


Healing

by bookishfran



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Elorcan, F/M, Gen, Multi, Post-KoA, elide's healing story that we didnt get, manon’s healing story that we also didnt get
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 98,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24551911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookishfran/pseuds/bookishfran
Summary: "You would be surprised how closely the healing  of physical wounds is tied to emotional ones"While Lorcan was away on a mission, Elide's foot has started to worsen. She makes the decision to travel to Adarlan and finally have her foot healed by Yrene.
Relationships: Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien & Rowan Whitethorn, Chaol Westfall & Yrene, Elide Lochan/Lorcan Salvaterre, Manon Blackbeak/Dorian Havilliard
Comments: 259
Kudos: 337





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Helloo! This is going to be a multi chapter fic where I'll explore Elide's healing - both physical and emotional. This was inspired by something that Yrene said to Chaol in ToD which was "You would be surprised how closely the healing of physical wounds is tied to emotional ones" 
> 
> I was honestly expecting for her foot to be healed at the end of KoA but we didn't get that and it was just implied that it would happen in the future. Elide has endured so much so I want this for her. So this is just me satisfying my need to have more Elide stories haha. 
> 
> Btw please bear with my writing. I'm balancing this with my work so I'll do my best to post quality writing as often as my schedule would allow me to haha. Feel free to leave suggestions about what you want to happen in the story. I have a general idea of how I want the story to go but I'm very much open to other ideas hehe. xx

“Are you sure that you will be alright?” 

“As I’ve told you plenty of times, I’ve managed to stay alive in Morath without you. I think I can handle a few days on my own.” Elide was trying to hide her amusement from the worry written on her husband’s brooding face.

It has already been a year since Elide and Lorcan have settled in their lives as Lady and Lord of Perranth and yet whenever Lorcan would need to travel, he was always anxious and hesitant to leave her behind. 

This time was no different. Lorcan was called to accompany Rowan and Fenrys in inspecting the walls of the different cities of Terrasen because of whispers about creatures that have been luring people deep into the woods only for them to be preyed upon. This made Lorcan more anxious than usual to leave Elide at home, but he knew the potential dangers if he brought her with him and he couldn’t risk it.

The moment Lorcan got the letter of Queen Aelin’s explaining that he needed to travel with cadre in two days, he has been extra fussy with Elide. He gave a long list of instructions and protocols for the guards, the cooks, the help, and everyone else in the manor to follow. It was his own way to ensure Elide’s safety and it also give him peace of mind that things will be running smoothly while he was away.

As if that wasn’t enough, he also took the time to set aside torn cloths that Elide can use if her cycle comes while he was out. He even taught her how the same sheets of linen can be used to make bandages if she got wounded. As if she would need to bandage herself like her life depended on it in the next few days. 

Elide just laughed at how ridiculous and overprotective he was. She always had to remind him that Perranth and their manor is safe, they have trustworthy and loyal staff that helps run the household, and that she could very much manage well on her own. 

The only thing that she loved about Lorcan’s pre-departure fussiness was when he would smother her with affection— which was something Elide never complained about. Lorcan would find any excuse to hold her, spend more time with her, and would shower her with kisses on her forehead, cheeks, neck, and everywhere else when they were alone.

“You’re completely sure you will be fine?” 

“I already told you yes” Elide rolled her eyes “And what would you do if I said no? Would you actually defy our Queen’s orders by not going?

He frowned “Yes. I can’t leave knowing you wouldn’t be alright”

“I’m sure you’ve already threatened everyone in this household to make sure I’m well and safe while you’re gone. So I don’t see why you worry so much”

“I didn’t threaten anyone”

“Maybe not with your words but I’m sure your scowl told them otherwise, love.”

His hands gripped her waist and pulled her tight against his body, finding comfort at the warmth of her pressed against him. Elide’s amused smile vanished as she studied his face. She brought her hand to caress his cheek when he bent down and pressed a soft kiss on her lips “Be safe”

“I should be the one telling you that” she whispered against his lips “Be safe please”

He nodded “I’ll be back in a few days. If anything happens, tell-“

“Nox, I know. He’s the only guard you trust with my life”

Nox came into Perranth looking for them, wishing to offer his services. He told them how he became friends with Aelin—back when she was Celeana, and how she saved his life. Initially, he went looking for Aelin in Orynth, hoping to be a member of her court to repay her a life debt; but she told him that he would be needed In Perranth more. Aelin suggested that he serve Lady Elide Lochan of Perranth because she would need as much allies in this City. So Nox made himself useful to the Lord and Lady by offering to be their guard and spy. Since he was a thief before, he knew how to move swiftly and remain unseen. It was easy for him to gather important information from unsuspecting people and he also knew how to fight if needed. It took a while to gain Lorcan’s trust, but his skill impressed them both. He proved himself worthy and loyal that he eventually became head of the guards of House Lochan.

“Go now. You wouldn’t want to keep Rowan and Fenrys waiting” Elide said, pulling away from Lorcan’s arms.

“They can wait all they want since they’re taking me away from you”

She laughed “Just for a few days, you oaf” 

He kissed her one last time and murmured an _I love you_ before he left.

She watched Lorcan as he walked past their gates and towards the road that led to Orynth, where he will be meeting with Rowan. She remained at their garden, watching as his form slowly disappeared from the horizon.

When he was gone from sight, Elide’s foot was already starting to ache. Lorcan has made it a habit to brace her foot at all times, so it was always an adjustment whenever he wasn’t with her to ease the discomfort. She walked back inside, trying to ignore the pain that was starting to grow, deciding that she could just rest and hope that the feeling will go away tomorrow. 

“It takes him forever to say goodbye” Nox commented, already waiting for her at the main door. As Elide neared him, his eyes already noticed her limp. He approached her and offered his arm so she can lean on him “Is your foot bothering you?”

She brushed him off “It’s nothing. I just got used to Lorcan bracing my foot all the time. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you going back to your room?”

“Yes, I’ll just ask Finnula if she can bring supper to our chambers. I want to rest my foot”

“I’ll tell Finnula. Let me carry you back, it’s a long flight of stairs”

She stopped in her tracks to look at him “You do realize that I used to do this all the time with shackles on my feet. I can manage to go up the stairs on my own.”

“It was in Lord Lorcan’s long list of protocols”

“He instructed you to carry me?”

“When necessary”

She rolled her eyes. _Such a fussy fae_ she thought to herself as she ignored Nox’s offer and continued limping towards the staircase. 

“Your husband will feed me to Manon’s wyvern if something happens to you” he called after her.

“I’ll feed him to Manon first before he does such a thing” she gritted out the moment she took her first step on the staircase. She let out a breath when she lifted her other foot again, then carried her mangled one next. She bit her lip as another wave of pain shot up her foot and ankle. Elide trembled which made her sway from losing her balance. 

Next thing she knew, Nox had his arms around her and was carrying her up to her and Lorcan’s chambers. She let out a breath in resignation.

“Thank you” she said when they got to the room and when he set her on the bed.

“I’ll let Finnula know to bring your supper here” was all he said.

When he left the room, Elide decided to finish reading the book that Aelin gifted her during her birthday last month. Lorcan has been teaching Elide every day how to read and write by doing writing exercises and reading storybooks together. Since she has been doing their lessons religiously for a year, Elide can read and write independently now. She realized that she enjoyed reading because it served as a good distraction from her daily life whenever it felt too monotonous or stressful. 

She sat against the pillows then started reading, trying her best to ignore the throbbing coming from her foot that didn’t seem to be going away.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The next two days, Elide had more time in her hands since their meetings have been postponed due to Lorcan’s trip. She used the opportunity to spend time with the different members of their household. She was first in the kitchen, watching the cooks bake and prepare their meals. Afterwards, she spent time with the guards and her maids and asked them about their families and friends. 

While she spent time with them, however, it was becoming more difficult to ignore the throbbing coming from her foot. It was starting to become more unbearable as the hours passed; her wincing and paleness was already being noticed by the members of the household. 

“Lady Elide” Satcha, one of her maids whispered “Are you still in pain?”

Elide bit her lip and nodded slowly, sinking herself on the couch “Can you please get the salves? It’s in my room on the bedside drawer.”

Satcha nodded and disappeared to their chambers when Finnula started rubbing her leg in comfort. “Should I call for Nox?”

She closed her eyes then nodded.

When Satcha appeared with the salve, she started massaging Elide’s foot with the salve that Yrene gave her. When applied, it often offered a satisfying relief. But as Satcha was working on her foot, the pain remained and seemed to have worsen. 

Finnula suggested that they wrap her foot with cloth that had ice to numb the pain and to reduce the swelling. Elide agreed, willing to try anything to make the pain go away.

“Elide” Nox stepped into the room then studied her face— her eyes closed, and her face crumpled in pain “What can I do?”

“Get a healer please” she gritted out, her voice barely a whisper.

He nodded then left immediately.

When her two maids left her to go to the kitchen to prepare a tonic for the pain, Elide decided to try to stand up on her own to test her foot again. Two small steps later, her leg started to numb then it gave up on her.

She fell on the floor, crying out as she forced her muscles to stretch and point her toes. Unbearable pain was digging through her bones and her flesh, paralyzing her leg. Sweat was starting to bead on her forehead and neck, the pain making it hard for her to breathe. She forced herself to take steadying breaths but moans were the only sounds coming out from her mouth.

Elide didn’t notice the set of arms trying to help her sit up nor did she hear the panicked noises coming from Finnula and Satcha as they were instructing her to lean her weight on them. All she could focus on was the numbing pain and the room that was starting to spin which caused her vision to become blurry.

She didn’t even notice that she was slipping into unconsciousness. 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Nox was trying hard not to panic when Lady Elide asked him to look for a healer. Elide really disliked it whenever anyone showed pity towards her and she often declined anyone who offered her help especially if she was very much capable of doing things on her own. So the mere fact that she was asking for a healer meant she couldn’t handle the pain anymore. It rattled him.

It was pride, he observed in the year he has known her, that had her holding her head high and acting as if everything was fine even if she was in pain or even if she needed help. She loathed the feeling of helplessness. 

It was amusing to see the contrast between her and Lord Lorcan. It was entertaining when a big and scary warrior such as Lorcan would fuss over a petite woman who has taken care of herself her whole life and disliked being treated like a child. 

He, along with some of the guards often laughed at how overbearingly protective and territorial her partner is when it comes to her, but he understood Lorcan’s need to protect her. The Lord believed it was his duty to keep the most precious person to him safe and happy. Nox understood him, he knew how it felt to be in love once. 

Elide was a delicate beauty. Her small frame and sweet face made her look like she was a damsel that needed to be guarded and protected. In contrast, it was her fiery personality, cunning wit, and courageous heart that made her very strong; she was more than just a delicate and pretty woman.

The people of Perranth have all heard the stories about the torture the Lady endured for years. Losing both her parents at a young age, trapped in a tower with just her nursemaid, her foot getting injured and her Uncle refusing to heal her, surviving the nightmare that was Morath; Nox didn’t know if there was any trial and torture she couldn’t endure. Not to mention, word got around that it was Lady Elide along with the healer Yrene Towers—no, Yrene Westfall who came up with the idea of how to defeat Erawan and all the Valg demons.

Nox knew that she was unbelievably strong mentally and emotionally for her to have survived all that and still remain as warm and kind as she is. He was also amazed at how she was able to keep Lorcan— one of the strongest and powerful faes alive, wrapped around her finger. 

So when he saw how pale-stricken Elide’s face was and her features that were crumpled in agony when she asked him to get a healer, he knew that she was letting down her pride because she really was in excruciating pain. He realized too that he would be in deep shit if something happened to her while Lorcan was away. The realization had him gathering the guards and rushing them to help him look for the closest healer they can find.

A moment later, one of the guards came back with an elderly woman named Neliah, who lived a few houses away. She was a trusted healer of Perranth; she spent her entire life practicing her healing and she helped aid a handful of soldiers when their city was sacked by Valg. Though she wasn’t as gifted as the healers in the Torre and was nothing compared to the revered Yrene Towers, she would have to do for now.

Nox led Neliah to the living room, to where Elide was unconscious and splayed on the couch. Finnula was patting the Lady’s head and neck with a damp cloth while Satcha was sitting on the floor in front of the Lady, at a loss of what to do.

“What happened?” he demanded

“We went to get her food and a tonic” Satcha started, her voice wavering “we were in the kitchen when we heard a thud then saw her on the floor”

“Gods above” he groaned, already imagining the wrath Lord Lorcan might unleash if he got home to this. He turned to Neliah “Please help her. Her foot has been injured for years now. She uses salves to soothe the pain but—”

“We’ve already used the salves, but it didn’t work” Finnula cut in “we decided to wrap ice around her foot to lull the pain but she stood up, perhaps to try to walk—”

“But she fell then went unconscious when we tried to help her up” Satcha finished.

Neliah nodded then took a seat in front of the couch to examine her foot. She wasn’t able to stop the gasp that escaped her lips as she surveyed the mangled flesh and felt the broken bones. “Would any of you know how long she has had this injury?”

“Ever since she was a child” Finnula said sadly. She was her nursemaid then and when the accident happened, Vernon forbid a healer from tending to her. Finnula was forced to watch Elide as a child struggle with her injury and endure it. It filled her with terrible sorrow and guilt until now.

“How has she been able to handle this pain?”

“Lord Lorcan is demi-fae. He uses his powers to brace her foot. She can walk and move around normally when he does” Nox explained “However, he had to leave for a few days. She was already limping the day he left, but she said her foot was just adjusting to not having his magic support her”

“But it didn’t get better. The pain only got worse” Neliah murmured, making the correct assumption on her own. She surveyed the foot in her hand again then started feeling her way up to Elide’s leg, noticing that her muscles were slightly enflamed. “Her leg had spasms from the injury. That must be why it was becoming more unbearable for her, and the pain might be why she fainted. She needs to see another healer as soon as possible.”

“What? Why can’t you heal her?” Nox demanded

“This is almost a decade’s old injury. I have not much experience with injuries this complex. I might do more harm than good if I try anything. I suggest she see Yrene or any healer from the Torre.” 

“Yrene Westfall is all the way in Rithfold! It would take days for us to send word and days for her to arrive. Can’t you at least recommend something for the pain? Or make her regain consciousness?”

“She can drink any pain tonic to make it tolerable. The salves might not be of use now, but the ice will help the enflamed muscles” was all she said, then stood up from where she was seated. “Don’t worry, she will wake up when her body seems it fit. Let her rest.”

All of them were too engrossed with worry over Lady Elide that they did not notice Lorcan’s presence in the doorway, his hard gaze already on his wife who lay unconscious on the couch.


	2. Chapter 2

“What happened?” Lorcan found himself saying, his voice near guttural. His brows were already furrowed; face hard as he approached Elide on the couch and kneeled in front of her. His hand felt her forehead, neck, then went to press on her wrists—feeling for her pulse. A small wave of relief rushed through him when he felt her steady pulse and saw rise and fall of her chest. But his relief was short lived; it was not enough to quell his overwhelming worry as he looked at how pale she was. He sent a surge of his power to brace her foot and to heal whatever was happening to her body.

“Her foot has been bad the past days. She could barely walk.” Nox started, knowing well that Finnula and Satcha were probably too afraid to speak “Then she fainted earlier”

He nodded grimly at Nox then looked at the elderly woman who was crouched in front of her earlier “What do we do?”

“I already told them I cannot do anything. Her injury is too complex for me to work on. It might be best for her to see Yrene or any healer from the Torre” 

“You mean to tell me that we have to travel all the way to Rithfold, while my wife remains unconscious and in pain just for her to be healed.” he said with a lethal calm. He clenched and unclenched his hand, wanting to break something because of their damning circumstance.

“I’m sorry. I have no experience treating injuries this complex. I might risk damaging her foot more if I work on it. She’s just unconscious because the pain was too much for her body to handle. Fainting spells are short, she will wake up soon” the healer told him “I was told that your magic has been bracing her foot. You may continue doing that, so her travel to Rithfold won’t be as painful.”

He nodded, knowing well that there wasn’t anything else the old healer can do. Despite his bad mood he forced himself to mutter a thank you and hand her a few silver coins for her time. Nox led the healer out of the house and walked her back to wherever she came from.

“Has she eaten?” he asked Finnula and Satcha, not taking his eyes off of his wife.

Finnula shook her head “She fainted right when we were about to serve her lunch”

“Her salve?”

“It’s here” Satcha squeaked, her hands scrambling to reach for the salve that was in her pockets “I massaged this on her foot earlier but it didn’t help. Finnula iced her foot afterwards to reduce the swelling and to numb the pain”

Lorcan was about to dismiss them when Elide groaned, her eyes taking in her surroundings. Her brows furrowed as she saw her maids looking at her wide-eyed, then Lorcan who was beside her, his hand holding hers. “Lorcan?”

“Elide” The fae let out a shaky breath in relief then brought her hand to his lips “How do you feel?”

“Dizzy” she whispered then frowned as she realized she was lying down on the couch “What happened?”

Finnula cleared her throat “You fainted. We were all in the kitchen, remember? But you wanted to sit because you were in pain. We put the salve and ice on your foot then went to get a tonic. That’s when you passed out”

Elide recalled how she tried to stand up on her own then remembered that her leg felt paralyzed and that’s when she fell. They must have carried her to the couch when she passed out on the floor. She looked at her husband “When did you arrive?”

“Not long after you fainted. I came home to the sight of you unconscious on the couch”

Despite everything, a half smile tugged at her lips at his sulking tone “You haven’t killed anyone yet have you?”

“You must be feeling better if you think this is funny” he grumbled “Does your foot still hurt?”

She shaked her head, realizing that indeed there was no trace of the unbearable pain she’s felt the past two days. Elide knew it was because Lorcan was bracing her foot. 

“Do you want to eat first or rest?”

“I want a bath” she tried to sit up then leaned in to sniff him “you can join me too since you smell of the road”

Her two maids must have heard her because they mumbled that they’ll bring up her lunch then scurried to the kitchen, their cheeks red.

“You’ve scandalized them, Lady” Lorcan murmured as he stood up and scooped Elide in his arms “Before you protest me carrying you to our room, let me remind you that I arrived from a 3 day trip to you unconscious and pale. I just want to get you to our room without you falling down or fainting. Okay?”

“Okay” she huffed against him then leaned her head on his chest.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

When they were both free of clothing and settled in the tub, Elide allowed her body to lean back against the cool marble and closed her eyes. The warm and scented water calmed her and soothed her leg muscles which have been twitching and spasming the last three days. She was so relieved that Lorcan was finally here to brace her foot, but at the same time, she disliked how she felt so dependent on him and his powers.

“Does your foot hurt?” Lorcan asked again, watching her body for any cues if she was in pain.

She shook her head, her eyes still closed “Not anymore. Thank you for bracing it”

“How bad was it?”

“Very… It’s never been that painful”

It was very bad. Her foot never ached that much. Even when she was escaping Morath and walked endlessly in the forest more than a year ago, even when her feet were chained; the pain in her foot used to be just like a nuisance. She didn’t know what changed over the past few days which made it excruciatingly difficult to bear. 

Elide recalled her conversation with Yrene over a year ago. The healer had told her that she has a few years until the bones in her foot will deteriorate. Elide would have to have it healed eventually or else her foot will be permanently injured. The thought led to her chest aching. She was able to survive all those years in captivity, escape the terrors that her Uncle has put her through, and lived through the war; and yet her stupid foot can’t heal itself. 

Others saw her injury as a symbol or a token of being strong enough to survive being chained. If it were someone else in her position, they would probably be proud to show off the injury and brag about how strong they were to have endured all that—just like how Aelin is proud of all her scars. But Elide wasn’t Aelin nor was she anyone but herself. All that the mangled foot was to her was a physical reminder of the youth she was robbed off, the cruelty she faced at a young age. She hated it. She wanted to be rid of anything that tied her to her horrible past. 

“Elide?” Lorcan whispered, filled with worry when he noticed tears sliding down her cheeks.

She kept her eyes shut, well aware that if she opened them, more tears would fall. Her throat felt tight and she realized she couldn’t trust herself to speak either. She doesn’t want to end up being a blubbering mess. Lorcan shifted in the tub as he pulled her to him, adjusting her body so that her back rested against his chest and so he could wrap his arms around her. He kissed the top of her head as he soothed her, allowing herself to cry. 

“Talk to me, Elide” he murmured against her hair, hating that he didn’t know what to do to make her feel better “Tell me what I can do”

Elide waited for the tightness in her throat to ease and for her tears to stop falling. A moment later, she allowed her body to relax against Lorcan’s. With trembling hands, Elide reached for the bottle of soap then placed the scented liquid into her palms. She glided her soapy hands along her arms, her neck, and then went down to soap her legs. “How was your trip?”

“Elide-“

“How was your trip?” she asked again with more force, hoping he understood that she didn’t want to talk. Not yet at least.

It took him a beat to reply “We found the bodies of the victims. When we inspected them they seem to be just animal attacks—possibly a wild beast.”

She nodded, taking in the new information. “How is Rowan and Fenrys?”

“They’re still bastards.”

She smiled at that. The three of them loved to get under each other’s skin and it was amusing when her husband tried so hard to hide his brotherly affections towards them by either being mean or aloof. Elide tried to picture the three strong fae spending days together on the road. A lot of insults must have been thrown. But then she remembered that they were tracking possibly a dangerous creature. The idea that Lorcan, Rowan and Fenrys could have been attacked sent a shudder through her body. She turned around to look at him “I’m glad you’re back safe”

Lorcan gave a small smile, but his eyes held hers—silently pleading her to talk about what happened earlier. 

“I think it’s time I should see Yrene” she whispered eventually.

He nodded “That’s what the healer told us too. A skilled healer from the Torre would be the best person to treat your injury”

“I guess I don’t really have a choice then”

“Is that why you’re upset? Because you feel like you have no choice?”

“Among other things” she sighed “Do you remember what I told you about the talk Yrene and I had about my injury?” 

“She said she can heal you. You were considering it, but it will be an extremely long and painful process”

She nodded and took a deep breath “I hate my mangled foot and everything it reminds me of. I want it healed. I want to get rid of anything that makes me think of Morath and Vernon. But I’m afraid of having to endure whatever pain awaits. I don’t know if I could do it again.”

“Why is it my burden to bear to be in pain as a result of the cruelty of others?” her voice shook “It’s not fair. I want to get this over with but I’m scared. I’m scared, Lorcan.”

Lorcan was silent, completely at a loss on what to say. It pained him, understanding exactly what Elide was saying—she has endured too much and she feels she has to endure more to fully cleanse herself from her past. In that moment, Lorcan wished he took forever in torturing her Uncle until his last breath. But he respected Elide’s wishes when she told them to make it quick. She didn’t want to be the same kind of monster that her Uncle was. If there was such a thing as the afterlife, Lorcan swore he would look for Vernon just so he can bring him more pain, make him get what he deserved for being a cruel animal to his innocent niece. 

All the thoughts that just went through his head were too dark and would be of no use for his Elide to hear. So he decided to wrap his arms around her again, as a way to offer comfort and he settled with the truest thing he can say. “I believe in you and your strength.” he said earnestly “Whatever you decide to do and whatever happens, I will be with you every step of the way. I promise.”

Elide nodded, grateful that he said those words. She already knew that he would support her and be there for her, but having him say it out loud was reassuring. She knew he meant his words and it gave her the courage sit up straight and level her voice as she said: “I guess we’re going to pay our friends in Rithfold a visit”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's just a short chapter update haha. Let me know what you guys think :) 
> 
> *Totally unrelated but I hope all of you are well. This pandemic and political climate is really messing w/ my mental health haha. Writing fics has been my coping mechanism & escape from our current reality. I do hope my nerdy fics also give you the same escape, even if it's just for a short while. Stay safe, healthy and sane yall <3

“You will never guess who will be visiting Adarlan in a few days” Yrene greeted, waving around an envelope between her fingertips as she strolled inside the King’s study where she knew Dorian and her husband was. There was a map splayed on the large table in the middle of the room, where both men were huddled in front of. 

Chaol and Dorian looked up from the map expectantly “Aelin?”

“That would be too predictable now, don’t you think?”

“Who is it then?”

“Lady Elide Lochan” Yrene said excitedly “It’s about time she visited. We haven’t seen each other since the coronation”

Both of the men's brows shot up, obviously surprised. 

“Why is she visiting?" Chaol asked, his hand reaching for the letter. Yrene handed it to him for him to read. 

"I examined her leg last year and told her I could heal her. She wrote that she decided to take up my offer because the pain was too much to handle the past days"

"How long will she be staying?” Dorian asked thoughtfully.

“I'll have to examine how bad her foot has become since the last time I checked it. But given the complications I observed last year, the healing process will be long. She’ll be here indefinitely; maybe a few weeks or so.”

Chaol studied the letter that explained the injury of Elide’s leg becoming worse the past days, the pain spreading to her entire leg and how much it swelled and had spasms for days. She wrote the letter after a fainting spell and explained how a healer from Perranth advised her to see any healer from the Torre as soon as possible.

Although Chaol didn’t have the chance to really get to know the Lady, she really left an impression on him when she rode Farasha and braved hell just to save Lorcan on that battlefield. Someone who loved that fiercely and was that courageous reminded him of his wife and of Aelin, so the Lady has gained his respect. Chaol also knew that Elide was the Queen’s friend from childhood and is currently a strong ally of hers so he really had no qualms about her visiting. 

He couldn’t say the same for Elide’s husband though. Chaol considered himself lucky that he hasn’t been alone in the same room with Lorcan before. He is known to be one of the strongest fae warriors known alive; blessed by Hellas, the god of death himself. Chaol always had reservations regarding people or beings with such power, because of the lack of checks and balances. It also didn’t help that he also knew that Lorcan was out to hunt Aelin before the war, and has threatened her life numerous times. Chaol also found out later on that it was the him who was responsible for Aelin being sent to Maeve since Lorcan was her former second in command. That was something that Chaol cannot easily overlook and he chose to remain wary despite his relationship to the Lady of Perranth. Even if he knew that Lorcan is now currently blood-sworn to the Queen, it was no secret that he just did it for Elide. It wasn’t because he suddenly had a change of heart towards Aelin or because he wanted to. 

“Does that mean Lorcan will also be here?” Chaol asked.

“I’m pretty sure. Do you honestly think Lorcan would allow her to travel all the way here injured and alone?” Yrene mused “Elide and I have been exchanging letters the past year, and if I learned anything from what she writes it is that her husband is as fussy and territorial as any fae male can be. Even if it was a year ago, I still remember how he was around her.”

Dorian was excited at the idea of the Lord and Lady of Perranth visiting his kingdom. He wanted to get to know better the lovely Elide who looked as delicate as a flower, yet possessed the sharp mind and wit of a fighter. Dorian clearly remembered how she came up with the plan to trap and defeat Erawan, despite her having no experience in battles—much less a war. Even when so much death was surrounding them and when everything was going to shit, Elide was quick on her feet. 

Of course, Dorian was also looking forward to sharing the news with a certain witchling who he knew would be glad to hear of the Lady’s visit to Adarlan. 

“Where will they be staying?” Dorian found himself asking.

Yrene stopped to look at him then at Chaol, realizing that she didn’t think that far ahead. Chaol knew his wife would have offered for them to stay at their home, but his mother and Terrin have already occupied their extra bedrooms. And to be honest, Chaol wasn’t sure how he would feel about the idea of Lorcan being in the same roof as his little Josefina, who was only five months old. It’s not that Chaol thinks so lowly of the fae, it’s just that he assumed that Lorcan probably wouldn’t know how to act appropriately around their child. For all he knew, Lorcan throws swords around and snarls at anyone as a morning routine. Of course there was also the fact that Chaol found the fae warrior absolutely terrifying. But he wouldn’t be admitting that to anyone. 

“If you can’t accommodate them, they can stay here.” Dorian offered, perfectly reading the thoughts that went through his friend’s head “We all know there’s plenty of room.”

“Are you sure? We don’t want to burden you-“

“I’d really love to. I want to get to know the Lord and Lady of Perranth better. Any friend of Aelin’s is mine too.” Dorian assured them “Anyway, I’m also sure that Manon would be happy to know that Elide will be here. She can drop by and they can talk.”

A smirk tugged at Yrene’s lips “Ah your true intentions come out”

Chaol threw a look to his wife; knowing well that the witch was a sensitive topic for Dorian. Though he tries to hide it, Chaol knew that he missed her and wished she visited more often than she allowed herself to. He often found his king throwing longing glances towards the open windows that showed the endless sky, as if waiting for her to suddenly appear.

“Things are still difficult for her. To lose a loved one is painful enough, but to lose thirteen?” Dorian sighed sadly, remembering the few times she has visited the past year. Though she put up a tough act, it was unmistakable the blankness in Manon’s eyes—devoid of any emotion. It was difficult for him, seeing Manon grieving and not knowing how to help her endure the pain. She would shrug off any efforts on his part to initiate talking about herself and her feelings. “I know she feels alone. It would be good to have Elide around. I know that my witchling is particularly fond and protective of her”

“I suppose you can write to her, to let her know that Elide will be here for a while.” Yrene suggested.

“I will.”

“Just remember that Elide is here for her leg to be healed. Don’t plan anything crazy, your Majesty.”

He threw an innocent smile towards her direction “You know me so well, Mrs. Westfall.”


	4. Chapter 4

Lorcan enjoyed watching Elide as she took in the Adarlan and its surroundings. She looked at everything in wonder and amazement; her eyes were wide as it scanned the horizons, her mouth parted as she made small noises in wonder if she found something particularly fascinating.

He never really understood why others loved sight-seeing and admiring the view during travel, since he never really cared for such things in decades. When he used to travel to different lands, it used to be for errands or tasks that Maeve wanted him to do as quickly and efficiently. If he had to look around, it was often just to find any imminent threat to safety or to survey his surroundings for enemies. He never found himself wanting or needing to bask in his surroundings. It felt like it was something that people did out of sentimentality— a feeling he used to think was a privilege he didn’t have. 

But as he watched the woman beside him bask in simple things like a field of flowers or a flock of birds, it was as if he slowly understood why people just pause and take a minute to admire their surroundings. 

Lorcan knew that Elide hasn’t travelled before, not really, since the only time she had to travel to different lands was to flee from her Uncle and to help find Aelin when she was captured by Maeve. This was her first time to be on the road, where she could actually enjoy sight-seeing without having any imminent threat to her life. As sad as that thought was, Lorcan was still happy that he was there to share another _first_ with her. Spending days on the road wasn’t exactly the most thrilling experience, but he enjoyed spending time with Elide. He gladly indulged her curiosity by answering her questions about himself, the cadre, and whatever she wanted to know. He also listened to every thought that passed her mind on those days on the road. 

It took them five days of travel on horseback to reach Adarlan. It might have taken them around three days if they minimized their stops but of course Lorcan wanted Elide and their horses to rest. 

Once they entered Rithfold and reached the main road, the streets were slowly starting to look familiar to Lorcan but at the same time it also seemed different from the last time he was there. When he visited this city over a year ago, the streets were dark, gloomy, and had something sinister in its air. The former King had made his kingdom a haven of Valg, and his cruelty to those who opposed him made its people live in fear. 

But now as they passed through the busy streets filled with shops, vendors, and bustling buyers; the kingdom has never looked more alive and in color.

Lorcan didn’t know if it had anything to do with how different and vibrant his life is now from how it was the last time he was here, that maybe it was affecting how he saw the city at present. Or maybe it was just that King Dorian has been doing a good job in rebuilding. If it was the latter, it was not a bad job for a mortal in his early twenties.

As they walked deeper into the streets of Rithfold, Lorcan saw the castle from the distance. Both of them decided to just follow the whole stretch of the road that would lead them to the castle and to Dorian, since they didn’t know where the healer and her husband actually lived. They can just ask the King for their residence. Lorcan also figured that perhaps his wife would want to say hello to the young King before she spends the following weeks bedridden from whatever procedure Yrene was going to do to her leg. 

Elide was still looking around and admiring her surroundings—eyeing the products being sold by the vendors, checking the art that decorated some houses, and watching the different townspeople interact with each other. This made her completely oblivious to the fact that a handful of passers-by were gawking at her. Lorcan watched as a few vendors' gaze followed her, and how a group of children were pointing her out to each other. 

This was a normal reaction for people who encountered his wife since she was very beautiful.  
Lorcan has gotten used to people staring at her but it didn't make it less infuriating for him when he can read and sense the lecherous thoughts some men had of her.

His blood started to boil when he caught the eyes of a few men who were openly staring at his wife, reading the desires clearly written on their face. Lorcan glared at them and snarled. Their backs straightened and they looked away immediately.

“Can you not do that? You’re not a dog” 

“While you were busy admiring the view, the people were busy admiring something else” he muttered.

She raised her brows at him “What?”

“People were ogling you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous”

“I saw their eyes fixed on you.”

The corners of her lips curved “They’ve probably been deprived of having a pretty face to look at. I might be making their day.”

 _Rutting gods,_ he thought to himself _she sounds like the bitch queen._

Lorcan narrowed his eyes at her then chose to look at the stone pavement in front of him, starting to settle into a brood.

“Gods, I was kidding!” she laughed “Don’t start with your moods, Lorcan. We’re being welcomed here, be nice, please.” 

When he didn’t reply, she reached her hand to hold his, her thumb grazing the back of his hand. That simple touch never failed to soothe whatever annoyance or anger that settled into his body. 

Lorcan kept his gaze ahead but his shoulders relaxed at her touch. He sighed “Fine.”

Elide hid her amused smile from him and shook her head. Both remained silent for the remainder of the ride to the castle. 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Lorcan dismounted from his horse first then went around to Elide to help her down. 

She was surprised that it was King Dorian himself who met them at the front steps of the castle when they arrived. Even if it did make sense because it was his castle, she just didn’t expect him to actually be the one to greet them at the massive entrance. 

As they neared him, she suddenly felt self-conscious of how dishevelled she and Lorcan must have appeared after spending days on the road. Regardless, she kept her back straight and chin high as both of them crossed the expanse of the garden and walked towards Dorian. 

“Your majesty” she bowed low when they met halfway “Thank you for meeting us despite our short notice”

“Please, none of that” the King laughed “After everything that happened a year ago, I think we’re way past such formalities.”

She gave a small smile “We apologize for intruding. You must be surprised by our sudden visit-“

“Do not worry, we were expecting you both. Yrene already told me you were coming. How is your leg?” he asked, eyeing her boots.

“Thankfully, it didn’t bother me the entire trip here. I have Lorcan to thank for that.”

Dorian smiled at her then at Lorcan, who just gave the King a quick nod.

“If it’s alright with you, I’ve volunteered for you both to stay here in the castle for your visit since the Westfall residence is currently full and also being occupied by Chaol’s mother and brother.” Dorian started “Both Chaol and Yrene are here for work almost every day anyway, so it would be easy for you and Yrene to have your sessions.” 

Elide was caught off guard by the sudden offer and she felt her cheeks starting to warm. She also felt Lorcan standing up straighter, a subtle tell that he was also caught by surprise. “It’s okay we don’t want to be a burden. We were actually planning to stay in the closest inn we can find.”

The King shook his head and smiled “That’s unnecessary. There’s plenty of room here and it’s safer too. You wouldn't need to go out to visit Yrene, so it’s better for your foot. She can just go to your room for your sessions. It will be easier for you and everyone else. It’s no bother, really, I insist. ”

She gave a glance at Lorcan— who hasn’t said a word yet, trying to assess what he was thinking. To both Elide and Dorian’s surprise, he gave a small smile and bowed “Thank you.” 

Lorcan was momentarily spared from saying anything else or having to do small talk because his wife squealed as she saw the healer emerging from the castle’s door with a baby in her arms. 

“Oh my goodness! I see a beautiful baby girl!” Elide gasped, excitement filled her as she focused on the little bundle of joy in Yrene’s arms.

“Elide! I’m sorry I was supposed to be the one to greet you, but I was trying to put Josefina to sleep. Perhaps she was too excited to meet you that’s why she was restless” Yrene smiled brightly as she crossed the distance between them, giving a peck on Elide’s cheek as greeting then gave a smile at Lorcan “How are you? How was your travel?”

“It was good. I’ve never travelled so I enjoyed the few days on the road” Elide answered then leaned in to coo at the baby “Hello, Josefina. I’m so happy to finally meet you.”

Josefina, who had the same light caramel skin of her mother, looked up at Elide with her big brown eyes. The baby smiled and babbled, then reached its hand towards the Lady of Perranth. Elide gasped in delight as she held the soft and small hand that was extended. “You’re such a beautiful baby, yes you are. You look just like your mama”

Yrene laughed “She may look like me, but this one is definitely a papa’s girl. Chaol spoils her too much.” 

“Of course you’re a papa’s girl, you’re too adorable not to have any man wrapped around your finger” She said as she tickled little Josefina’s cheek— to which the baby laughed in delight. Josefina raised her arms out to Elide, asking to be carried by her. 

Elide was beyond elated that the child wanted to be carried by her, but she realized she has never held a baby in her arms. Being locked up in a tower and secluded from society didn’t give her the chance to interact with anyone—including babies. 

What if she held her wrong? What if she dropped the child?

Elide glanced at Yrene, unsure of what to do. 

“You want to carry her?” the healer asked with a smile

Elide nodded “I do but I’ve never held a child before.”

“Here” Yrene lifted her arms higher, bringing her baby closer to Elide. Josefina made a delighted sound and still had her arms stretched out. Elide brought her hands out to gently carry the child from her mother and tried to imitate how Yrene was carrying her earlier. 

“I hope I’m carrying you right” Elide whispered to Josefina who was now lying comfortably in her arms “Lorcan, come say hello.”

Lorcan froze. 

He was trying to remember the last time he has interacted with children.

In his five hundred years, all he knew was how to teach males how to be warriors. The youngest person he probably had to mold into a soldier was an 80 year old fae. For faes, 80 was the equivalent of someone barely into adulthood for humans. Lorcan cannot recall of dealing with anyone younger than that age—save for Elide, but she had the wisdom of someone way beyond her years and has endured so much to be still considered young. 

He was definitely out of his depth when it came to children- especially babies. He wouldn’t know what to do with them. 

But Lorcan promised his wife that he’d try his best to be nice and he didn’t want to disappoint her. Especially considering how happy and excited she was as she held the child in her arms. She looked so young all of a sudden, and he realized he hasn’t seen her so… giddy. He sure as hell wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity to make her smile bigger. So he slowly inched closer to Elide, wary of each step.

Elide smiled at him in encouragement, as if she was telling him that he was going to be fine.

When he was beside her and close enough to be seen by the child, he looked down at Josefina to study her features. 

She definitely looked like Yrene.  
A small, tiny, and fragile Yrene. 

But Lorcan was already able to see a bit of resemblance to Chaol. She had the same eyes and frown as him. The baby teared its gaze away from Elide and focused on him. Her eyebrows deepened as her eyes assessed Lorcan. 

“She’s so…small” he found himself saying as he stared back at the baby. The baby was so tiny. It looked like she could be easily squashed by his foot if he stepped on her by accident. Her head was probably as big as his hand. He prayed that Elide wouldn't ask him to hold her. It was unsettling to him, having something as fragile as a baby near his dark power. 

As if reading his thoughts, Josefina’s brows further deepened the longer she fixed her gaze on Lorcan.

So he decided on giving a small smile, to try to ease up the frown on the child's face.

Elide snorted “That’s the nicest thing you can come up with?”

Whatever retort that was supposed to come from Lorcan died on his mouth when he saw the baby’s eyes widen and its lips starting to quiver. Panic rose in his chest as he realized what that look meant.

Josefina started thrashing in Elide’s arms, her legs kicking and flailing as she let out a wail. 

Elide’s eyes widened in panic as the child’s got more restless and started crying louder. Yrene immediately scooped Josefina into her arms and sang softly to soothe her. 

Dorian cleared his throat to hide the laugh forming in his throat “Perhaps we can all go inside so you can settle in your room. You both probably need to rest after your travel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya gurl found some brain cells!!! I'd like to thank my 2 and a half brain cells for carrying on with this chapter despite being stressed about work and current events!! lol
> 
> *Yes this chapter was kind of a filler chapter. I just wanted some light stuff before I attempt to dive into the deep emotional stuff. Plus, I just really wanted some interaction w/ Baby Westfall because I'm soft for babies. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! Pls stay healthy, safe, and sane! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *prepare yourself for some angst / emotional feels

Their chambers were located in a wing of the stone castle, and they were both surprised by how spacious it was. It was probably twice as big as their own room in Perranth. 

When they opened the door to their room, it led to a foyer and a small dining room. As they went in, Elide searched for the bed—already wanting to lie down and sleep. Their bedroom chamber was decorated with a colourful tapestry along the wall, and was filled with the red and gold furniture and fixtures. The bedroom also had a plush red couch at the foot of their massive bed. 

Elide decided to plop down on the couch instead, since her clothes wasn’t in the cleanest state after the days on the road. 

Lorcan, who was carrying the bags that they brought with them, went straight to the joined bathing and dressing room to put down their belongings. Once he set down the bags on the floor of the dressing room, he decided to do a sweep of the entire chamber first. He opened the cabinets and drawers to look for anything suspicious or anything he could use as a weapon in case he needed it. There were only a few robes and some dresses, but he took note of the hangers. Those could come in handy.

He reentered the bedroom and looked around to survey the number of windows. There were nine windows, and all of them opened to the sight overlooking a garden. There were no stairs or crevices where someone could easily go up and break into their room. 

“What are you doing?” Elide asked as she eyed Lorcan moving around.

“I’m surveying the room.” he explained as he strategically hid his weapons under their mattress “One can never be too sure.”

“Dorian is Aelin’s friend, we can trust him. He isn’t going to attack us”

“I didn’t say he was going to” he shrugged “But it doesn’t mean I’m going to be complacent. I’m not risking your safety”

“Perhaps you should survey the music and gaming room too” she said, her tone filled with sarcasm “Someone might be hiding inside the piano”

He ignored her teasing, but did go to check the said rooms anyway.

Elide sighed as she stood up from the couch and followed him into the gaming room. She grabbed his hand and made him look at her. “It’s been a long trip. Let’s get cleaned up first then rest.”

“Okay” 

Elide, still not letting go of his hand, brought them out of the gaming room and went into the bathing chambers. Once they were inside, she sat on the marbled edge of the bathtub and reached to undo the laces of her boots. Lorcan kneeled in front of her and slowly batted her hands away so he could do it.

Elide’s heart started to beat harder in her chest, fearing that her leg must have looked worse than the last time she saw it, which was before they left for Rithfold. Having Lorcan’s brace around her ever since her fainting spell has numbed the pain in her leg, so she had no idea of how bad her foot must have gotten. So she prepared herself for the worst.

When Lorcan was done unlacing it, he carefully tugged off the boot, cradled her foot then set it on his legs. Her foot and ankle looked somewhat the same— all mangled flesh, but she saw that it was, in fact, swelling. It wasn’t only her foot and ankle that was red and enflamed but it also extended to the lower half of her calf. Lorcan noticed this too, but he kept his gaze neutral.

“Lorcan” she said softly “Can you remove your brace from my leg for a moment?”

His brows furrowed “Is my brace hurting you?”

She shook her head “I just want to feel how bad it is. I need to know if it has gotten worse or not.”

He kept his face impassive as he looked up at her, trying to read whatever emotion passed through her as he slowly let his powers unwrap itself from her leg.

Elide tensed as the pain registered to her body. There was discomfort at first, the dull ache settling into her foot then slowly crept up to her ankle then her leg. She winced as she felt small needles of pain prickling her joints, and the bones of her foot suddenly felt too heavy.

A few seconds later, the dull ache turned to a throbbing pain and a burning sensation. She couldn’t tell where the epicentre of the pain was, if it were her bones or joints or muscles that hurt, she didn’t know where the pain started or ended, just that her entire right leg hurt. 

All of a sudden, she vividly remembered her fall down the stairs all those years ago. She could hear the soft crack her foot gave when her body fell on the floor. She felt how hoarse her throat was from screaming in pain, feeling helpless because there was no way to ease it. Panic and desperation settled into her body as she recalled how she begged Vernon to make the pain stop, and remembered how he refused to have a healer see to her injury.

The room closed in on her and it suddenly felt too hot, making it difficult for her to breathe. 

“Elide” Lorcan’s worried voice brought her back. She blinked and looked around to find herself in the bathing chambers. Lorcan was in front of her, worry written all over his hard face.

“Stop it” she rasped, her fingers digging hard into the tub “Make it stop!”

A cool wind wrapped around her burning leg to relieve the pain. Once the pain ebbed, she scrambled over to the toilet. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she retched, her skin feeling sticky from sweat. Lorcan was already behind her, his hand rubbing comforting strokes down her back and holding her hair back as she heaved. 

When nothing else came out from her mouth, she used the sleeve of her dress to wipe her lips then slumped against the wall. She was panting, her hands trembling as she tried to sit up straighter.

“Breathe slowly” Lorcan said with his face in front of hers, his fingers brushing her hair away from her face. “Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth” he instructed softly and demonstrated it for her, encouraging Elide to do the same. 

She mimicked his slow breathing; inhaling through her nose then exhaling through her mouth. She closed her eyes when her breathing started to fall into a steady rhythm. 

“I’ll call for Yrene” he whispered to her, ready to stand up but then her hand reached to stop him.

“Bath first” was all she said as she started to undo the laces on the front of her dress. 

He frowned “You need a healer. _Now._ ”

“Bath. First.” she ground out “I want to be clean. I’ll see Yrene after.”

Lorcan stood up, walked over to the tub and filled it with warm water. He opened one of the drawers on the vanity then reached for the soaps. As the tub slowly filled, he went over and helped Elide out of her dress. Once she was free from her dress and underthings, Lorcan scooped her in his arms and walked back to the tub and set her down gently.

When she was settled in the tub, half of her body submerged in the warm water, she suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. Elide wanted to be alone, didn’t want anyone to see her like this. She tried to hide herself from Lorcan by facing away from him, angling her body so that it was only her back that he could see. He remained where he was, warily watching her since he noted how she was shielding herself from him. 

“I’d like to be alone please” Elide said softly, her back still facing him.

Lorcan remained crouched in front of the tub, his jaw clenching and unclenching, as if debating whether or not he should argue. He wanted to bring his hand to her chin and force her to look at him so he could read what was going on in her mind. But there was something in her voice that sounded so vulnerable, that he couldn’t find it in him to question her. A beat later he just nodded and told her he’ll be waiting in their bedroom. He stood up then closed the door behind him.

As the minutes passed, Elide listened for movement at the other end of the room. When she knew that Lorcan wasn’t by the door listening, she slowly sunk her head under the water and wept. 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Every instinct told Lorcan not to leave her alone. 

Seeing the agony all over her face when he removed his magic that braced her leg wrecked him. It made him feel like a gods-damned bastard since she was in pain because of him. But he knew that she asked it of him, she claimed she needed to feel how bad her leg was. As if the sight of her red and swollen leg wasn’t enough of a sign that it was bad already. 

He thought of how her eyes shifted from discomfort, to pain, agony, then to being detached. Distant. It was like Elide retreated somewhere deep within herself in that few seconds were she was wincing and clutching on to the tub for dear life. He tried his best to remain calm and unfazed as not to rattle her, but he wasn’t able to stop the worry from his voice when he called out to her when she started shaking. 

When she stopped throwing up and told him she needed to be alone, the last thing he wanted to do was leave. She was upset and it was instinctive for him to want to make her feel better, make the pain bearable. But Lorcan had a feeling the pain she was in wasn’t only physical, but emotional as well. That’s why he decided not to push her. He saw that she was near her breaking point and if he argued or forced himself on her when she wants her space, he would be damaging something in her and would ruin the trust they have built between them. That was the last thing he wanted to happen, so he forced himself to respect her wish by leaving. 

He was pacing around the room, was probably going to be digging a hole through the carpets, as he considered going back inside to Elide or if he should go and call for Yrene.  
If he barged inside the bathroom, it would be disrespecting her personal space—space that she specifically asked for. However, if he left and called for Yrene, Elide might need him and he wouldn’t be there for her. 

His fists clenched at his sides as he realized he had no clue what to do. It felt useless to just sit and wait.

He actually considered getting the Westfall baby just so she can smile and be happy again. 

Lorcan tried to think of what Rowan would do if it were him in this situation. 

He recalled the advice Rowan had offered him months ago. It wasn’t like the centuries old fae suddenly liked to talk about their feelings and their personal lives with one another. It was just that Rowan was unfortunate enough to have walked in on Elide and Lorcan’s first real fight during one of their visits to Orynth, when they were just a few weeks into their marriage.

Rowan happened to overhear Elide’s furious shouts at Lorcan because of how ridiculously overbearing he was for not allowing her to go out around Orynth without him, then for being furious at her and Aelin for when they decided to take a stroll around the city.

“I understand that you want me safe. I don’t want to be put in danger either, Lorcan.” Elide shouted “But you can’t expect me to always follow your rigid rules. I’m not a soldier for you to command!” 

“I know you aren’t a soldier, you’re my wife. And I’ll be damned if something bad happens to you when I swore to always find you and protect you.” He gritted out, exasperated. 

He was angry. He couldn’t fathom why it was so hard for her to listen when it came to her safety. If he wasn’t with her, he wouldn’t be able to brace her leg. He wouldn’t be able to stop anyone who makes the wrong decision of attacking her, or stealing from her, or kidnapping her. Lorcan has seen men ogle his wife, even when he was right beside her. What’s to stop men from acting on their repulsive desires if she was out alone? Gods, given people’s selfishness and cruelty nowadays, the possibilities of something bad happening to Elide was endless. Nothing scared him more than the thought of losing her. 

The anger and frustration that was rolling off of him in waves came to a halt when he noticed Elide’s eyes starting to brim with tears. 

“Aelin was with me” she ground out “You might have forgotten but she was an assassin! She’s probably the most dangerous person out there, no one would make the mistake of crossing us. I accompanied her because I wanted to spend time with her. I’m not being unreasonable.”

“Is it so hard to understand that I’m doing this because I love you?” he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to reign himself in “I can’t lose you.”

“It’s too much, Lorcan! You’re stifling me!” she cried, her voice breaking “I didn’t escape Vernon’s shackles just to be held prisoner by you!”

Lorcan flinched from her words. His chest physically ached as what she said sunk in. The fact that she compared him to her gods damned Uncle was a slap to the face and a punch to the gut. He finally understood her and saw his mistake.

“Are you going to chain me too? The next time I disobey your orders?” she spat at him, tears still falling down her cheeks “Gods forbid I make my own decisions.”

The last thing he wanted was for her to feel trapped. Like a prisoner. Like how she used to be.

He was an ancient stupid fool and a gods-damned bastard.

Lorcan reached out a hand to touch her, to hold her against him, to apologize, but she backed away from him. 

As if she couldn’t stand to be held by him.

“This is not how I wanted my life to be now that I’m free and this is not how a marriage is supposed to work.” That was the last thing she said to him before she walked out.

He didn’t stop her then. She needed space, especially after what she felt. When she brushed past Rowan, he made no attempt to follow the Lady, his disapproving eyes remained on Lorcan instead.

“I know you have only the best intentions when it comes to Elide, but for some reason your execution is always off” Rowan started. “There is a fine line between being protective and being controlling. Learn where to draw the line”

“This is none of your business” Lorcan growled at him, furious but also embarrassed that he had to witness that. 

“Elide is Lady of Perranth, she falls under my protection which technically means she is my concern too, as King of Terrasen.” Rowan only held up his hands to show he wasn’t there to argue or fight.

“I just don’t want to see her get hurt” he said in resignation, too drained to put up a fight “Not after everything she’s been through.”

“I understand. But also remember how long Elide has been held captive, how young she was. She never got to live, not really.” Rowan said “When you smothered her, your main focus was your own wants and needs. You wanted control because you fear for her safety. As a result, you ended up overlooking her own wants and desires.”

Lorcan was already aware that he was in the wrong, after everything that Elide said. But having Rowan saying all of that to him made him realize more just how selfish his actions were. All of this was new to him. Being in love and being loved, having to consider other’s feelings, and having to reflect on his own actions were all foreign things he was trying his best to learn. For Elide. It’s the least she deserves.

“She hates me now” Lorcan said sadly. He couldn’t find it in him to say anything else. Elide’s words still resonated with him, and he feared that he might have ruined something between them.

“It’s normal to fight and disagree, but what’s important is that you talk and listen to each other, and compromise” Rowan clapped a hand against his shoulder “As much as it baffles us, she loves you and she married you. Marriage is all about learning, adapting, and adjusting”

“Just keep in mind” Rowan said before leaving “Holding on to her too tightly could be the very reason she would want to let go. Don’t let it come to that.” 

Lorcan nodded, believing his words. Hellas damn him, Rowan rutting Whitethorn actually made sense and wasn’t being a bastard for once. He suddenly sounded so wise, but he would never admit that to anyone.  
Under normal circumstances, Rowan would be one of the last people he would get advice from. But he respected the King when it came to his relationship with his Aelin. He witnessed how Rowan helped his mate out of a dark place in her life, how he was so good at being a support system for Aelin. They overcame the hell that was thrown in their way together, and they came out stronger. 

He wanted to do the same for Elide. He wanted to be a source of strength for her.

Lorcan has been listening to Rowan's advice ever since that fight, and he was following his advice now as he kept his fleet planted on the ground and forced himself not to barge into the bathroom to hold Elide in his arms. 

_She will come to you when she's ready_ he convinced himself _Don't force her to talk, let her come to you._

Lorcan decided that the most he could do now was to remind her how much he loves her and remind her that he would be there for her. If she asked anything of him, he will be there to give it. If she needed a listening ear, he'd offer his. 

A knock on their door brought him out of his thoughts.

He crossed the foyer to open the door and let out a sigh of relief when he found the healer on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked that angst chapter. I actually really enjoyed writing this lol


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end will explain why I changed the story's rating :)

A gasp tore out of Elide’s throat as she brought her head up from the water and took in her surroundings. She was in the bathing chambers. In King Dorian’s castle. Her chest hurt from the laboured breathing she was doing, not realizing that she held her breath underwater longer than she planned.

Elide liked the feeling of releasing tears under water. The water that embraced her body felt cleansing and cathartic as it washed away the salt of her tears. It also cleared her mind temporarily. She doesn’t cry often, only does so when she was extremely frustrated or angry.

Her eyes and mind usually felt clearer after a good sob but in that moment she just felt tired. 

She knew Lorcan would probably hear her, even if he didn’t intend to, because of his fae hearing. Crying under water was her way of drowning out the sounds she made. Elide didn’t want him to hear her crying, didn’t want him to worry any more than he already does. Lorcan was already fussy enough as he is, if he saw her breaking down she wasn’t sure how well he would handle it. The last thing she wanted was for him to blame himself for whatever she was feeling or going through. 

The only one to blame for everything she was going through was Vernon.

Elide hated how until now, he still had control over her. She swore to him before he died that she will never think of him again, his cruelty and all that he did will never cross her mind.

But she was wrong. Perhaps she was naïve for thinking that she could easily rid herself of him.

Despite how happy and content she has been the past year for rebuilding Perranth, making a home with Lorcan, and befriending different people, it didn’t stop the fears and worries that took over her unconscious mind when she was asleep. There were some nights where she was plagued by horrible dreams. 

The most often nightmare she had was the one where she found herself back in her tower, trapped once again. In those dreams, she would realize that everything that happened the past year was just an illusion, and she was never actually freed. Which meant Aelin and all the rest didn’t defeat Erawan and Maeve, she never escaped her uncle, and she never met and married Lorcan. When she came to that horrible realization, she tried to run away from the tower, only to have her fall down the flights of stairs again- reliving that incident from when she was a child and feeling that excruciating pain all over again. 

Some nights she dreamt that she was tied up, spread eagle on a cold and metal table. While she struggled to get herself free, she watched helplessly as Vernon and his lackeys impregnated her with a valg demon. Elide always ended up waking in cold sweat, shaking, whenever she dreamt of that. One time she actually soiled herself in fear. 

Those weren’t the worst though. The worst ones are when Vernon and Maeve worked together. They would order Lorcan, through his blood oath, to do different kinds of torture to Elide and worst of all, make him kill himself while she watched. 

She had no choice but to watch Lorcan, his eyes devoid of any love or emotion, prowl closer to her with a knife in hand. No matter how much she cried out for him, he always ended up slitting her throat or slitting his own. Elide had to watch the life die out from his eyes, his blood spilling from his throat as it coated her body.

Those dreams paralyzed her with fear, making it difficult for her to wake up. 

It was always Lorcan who brought her out of her out of them, shaking her awake and calling out to her. She hated how she would cower in his presence or flinch from his touch whenever he woke her up from those horrid nightmares. She always saw the hurt and pity that flashed through his eyes when she could not stand to be touched so soon after the dreams. 

Lorcan has always asked her about her nightmares, what she dreamt of, how bad it was, and how she felt. At first, she kept it to herself, not wanting him to worry on her behalf. But eventually, she slowly learned that she needed wanted to open up. She needed him. 

Thankfully she didn’t get those kinds of dreams often, especially on days where she was either completely happy or too busy with work that her sleep was too deep for any sort of dream to come. But when those nightmares came, it was like all the emotional scars which she thought has healed, has suddenly worsened. It took a while for her to shake the unpleasant feelings off.

Perhaps that was why she needed to be alone after what happened earlier. She didn’t expect the blinding pain to trigger her memories of her falling incident as a child. 

Despite wanting to be alone for a while, Elide still wanted to talk to Lorcan. She wanted to explain what happened, wanted his comforting presence while she recalled the horrible experience again. She needed him and loved it when he listened to her, loved when he shared his thoughts and opinions on whatever she was saying and feeling. 

Elide would try to be strong for him. At least strong enough to share what has been haunting her mind. 

She also encouraged him to open up about anything he wanted to. The rare times that he did and allowed himself to be vulnerable around her were definitely moments she treasured with all her heart. 

Realizing that she missed her husband already, Elide hurried with her bath, quickly washing her body then dried and dressed herself up afterwards. 

When she was dressed and ready to see Lorcan, she opened the door of the bathing chambers to go and look for him. Once Elide got to the bedroom, she found him seated on the small table at the end of the room and across him—to her surprise, was Yrene.

“Hello, I’m sorry for interrupting. I won’t stay long.” Yrene said, a blush forming on her cheeks as she took in Elide’s damp hair, realizing that she came from a bath “We forgot to invite you for supper later. Please join us in two hours at the dining hall. Chaol will be back from his trip with his brother by then.”

Elide smiled “Thank you. We’d love to be there”

Yrene wasn’t able to help herself as she eyed the Lady’s bare foot “Lorcan has already told me what happened to you five days ago and about your incident earlier. Do you want me to check your leg now?”

“Please” Elide said in relief then walked over to the bed to lie down, then she extended her leg towards the healer. Yrene sat on the edge of the bed then carefully brought Elide's foot up so that it would rest on her thighs. 

Lorcan walked over to them, but remained standing at the foot of the bed with his arms crossed, watching Yrene like a hawk as she examined the redness and swelling of her leg. 

Yrene remembered how damaged Elide’s foot was, recalled that despite the numerous patients she has helped before, the first time she saw the Lady’s injuries took her breath away. She carefully touched the scars on Elide’s ankles, felt the mangled bones, then pressed down on the muscles that were red and swelling. It has only been a year and her injury has already worsened much earlier than Yrene predicted. 

“Everything’s the same as last year” Yrene explained as she let her magic soothe Elide’s aching muscles “The only difference is that the arthritis has started to settle earlier than expected. It explains the redness, swelling and pain that you felt.”

“How could you explain the fainting and retching?” asked Lorcan.

“Nausea is very common when people are in extreme pain. It could also be from the arthritis too, it’s one of the symptoms.” 

Yrene continued to press down on Elide’s calf, letting her powers seep into the muscle to analyse what else could be wrong, trying to examine any other possible complications.

“When you fainted, that was when Lorcan wasn’t around right? He wasn’t there to brace your leg” Yrene clarified with Elide “And earlier, you asked Lorcan to remove his brace from you, then you vomited afterwards?”

Elide nodded “Yes”

Yrene gave a nod “Then the nausea was definitely due to the pain. Your injury has gotten worse because of the arthritis which is why the pain doubled. But, since you’ve been in a brace the entire time, you didn’t feel it worsen. Your body has gotten used to Lorcan’s magic to soothe and brace your bones and muscles.”

Lorcan frowned “So was it a bad thing that I kept her foot braced the entire time? Is this my fault?”

“I’ve already told Elide last year that the arthritis was going to kick in eventually” she explained “And no, I wasn’t saying that it was the wrong decision to use your magic because I understand how painful it is for Elide to walk around without it. But its effect is that Elide got used to the feeling of her leg being braced, she didn’t get accustomed with the intensity of the pain. So when you suddenly remove your magic, she is being hit with it full force. It went way beyond her pain threshold which could explain the fainting, vomiting, and the overall feeling of being exhausted.”

He nodded, but a part of him was still unconvinced that it wasn’t his fault. “So what do we do?”

Yrene looked at both of them thoughtfully “For now, I’ll give you another salve since Lorcan told me the eucalyptus hasn’t been as effective anymore. You may continue putting ice on your leg and massaging it to reduce the redness and swelling. I’ll also request for tea and ginger to be brought to you to drink from now on. It has properties that reduce inflammation.”

Elide managed a smile “Thank you so much Yrene.”

“Don’t thank me yet. Thank me when I get you standing and walking properly without Lorcan.” She said as she set down The Lady’s foot gently on the bed and patted her hand “Which reminds me, I’ll probably have to do more reading about your injury so I can decide on the best way to approach the healing. I’ll come back tomorrow afternoon so I can examine your leg again then I’ll brief both of you of what the healing will entail.”

“Thank you” Lorcan said.

Yrene gave him a smile in return and stood up from the bed. “I’ll leave you two now so you can rest. I’ll see you both for supper later”

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

When they were alone again in the room, Lorcan looked at his wife who was remained lying comfortably on the sheets, her face deep in thought. 

“I already know what you’re thinking” she told him, noting his frown.

He raised his brow.

Elide stood up and walked towards the foot of the bed, to where he was standing. His eyes remained intent on her as she stood in front of him then pushed him down softly, so he sat on the cushions of the couch. She followed after, choosing to sit on his lap so she could lean her head on his chest and curl up against him. 

“You’re going to get dirty again” he murmured against her hair “I haven’t bathed yet, remember?”

“I know what you were thinking earlier” she said again, ignoring his remark since she loved his scent anyways “Don't bother apologizing. You shouldn't blame yourself for anything I’m experiencing now. It’s not your fault.”

He nodded “I can’t help it, but I’m trying not to.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry” she murmured against his chest “I’m sorry for making you leave a while ago. I know you were worried I just couldn’t…It was too much.”

He let out a breath, relieved that she wanted to talk. He wrapped his arm around her body “Don’t apologize for wanting time alone. Of course you are entitled to it."

“Do you remember the dreams I get sometimes? The really bad ones.”

Of course he remembered. Lorcan stilled, recalling those nights where he has woken up to Elide thrashing and sobbing. The sight of her recoiling away from him and seeing the fear in her eyes when he woke her up is something that haunts his memories. Anger started to settle in him as Vernon came to mind, knowing well enough that he was the reason for her nightmares. “Yes” he ground out.

“I can’t explain it but it’s like I relived one of my nightmares. The one where I’m suddenly eight years old again, trapped in the tower and I fell down the flights of stairs again” she whispered “The pain I felt earlier…It was like I was a helpless child all over again.”

“It's not your fault that you felt that way as a child" he whispered against her "You’ve went through so much and came out strong”

She sighed, disagreeing with his words. She felt helpless now. Elide thought that if she were strong, she would have kept her promise and not have given any thought of Vernon at all. If she was strong, she wouldn’t be crying and vomiting whenever she remembered something bad. If she were as strong as Lorcan thought she was, she wouldn’t be so damned afraid to face whatever pain awaits for her injury to be healed. 

“I know what you’re thinking” Lorcan said admonishingly, mimicking her words to him earlier “Don’t even dare think for one moment that you aren’t strong. What you’re going through is understandable after everything you’ve endured. That doesn’t make you weak.”

She was going to retort but he kept going “When I told you that I still have nightmares about Maeve and what she forces me to do to you, did you think any less of me?”

Elide craned her neck so she could look up at him “No, I’d never think less of you for that”

“Then the same applies to you. Don’t be so harsh on yourself, Elide. We’re all trying our best to face our fears and be happy with our lives.”

She nodded but didn't say anything else.

He lifted her chin so she can look up at him and so he could read her eyes “Whenever you feel helpless like how you did earlier do not hesitate to tell me. We all need someone. We’ll work through whatever it is you’re feeling together.”

She kept her eyes on his, reading the sincerity of his words and absorbing everything he said. Her heart ached from love and gratitude for him. Elide lifted her back so she can cradle his face in her hands then gave him a soft kiss on his lips “I love you”

Lorcan’s insides softened, those three words always elicited the same warm feeling from him. His reply was to press his lips against hers.

A moment later, she decided that she didn’t want to talk about her fears and nightmares anymore. Elide wanted to do something that would give her a different feeling, something that would give her control-to make her forget the feeling being helpless.

“What do you want to do now?” she asked shyly, her hand tracing circles against his chest.

Lorcan smirked knowingly at her tone, then looked down at her “Perhaps I can finally take that bath that I was planning to have”

“But the dinner is two hours from now.”

“That didn’t stop you from washing up earlier, did it?”

“I can think of something better for us to do for two hours.” she said softly, looking up at him innocently despite the heat in her cheeks.

He furrowed his brows in fake confusion, trying to ignore his blood which was thrumming under his skin in anticipation “Do tell me, love.” 

Elide made a frustrated sound and sat up so she can straddle him.

His eyes darkened as she held his face in between her small and gentle hands, her legs on either side of him and as she pressed herself against him. Her fingers traced his lips lightly, loving the soft feel against her fingertips. She studied his dark eyes, trying to read the emotions simmering there. 

His hands went to her waist, digging softly against the material of her dress as she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. He wasn’t able to control the groan that went past his lips as he pulled her harder against him, and deepened their kiss. She let out a sigh and her mouth opened, allowing him to savor the taste of her on his lips. The Lady’s hands tangled in his hair, then later on grabbed a handful of his tresses to pull away from his kiss. He nipped her lips in response then pulled back. 

Elide rested her head against his forehead as she tried to catch her breath. Lorcan’s eyes were black as he watched her then his gaze went lower, transfixed by the rise and fall of her chest. He leaned in and pressed his mouth against her neck, inhaling her scent. He wasn’t able to help himself as he bit down on the flesh of her neck, losing himself at the taste of her skin. 

“Please” she gasped, her hands clutched on to his shoulders and she shivered in delight “Make me forget”

 _Make me forget my worries and fears._  
_Make me forget the nightmares which plagued me._  
_Make me forget the agony that the injury has brought me._

Lorcan indulged in her request, his lips finding its way back to hers as he carried her from the couch to the large bed. When he lay her down on the mattress, his body covered hers and they got lost in each other for the remainder of the afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! In case you guys hadn’t noticed, I bumped up the rating from T to M. Since the story would be dealing w physical AND emotional healing, I've decided that rating it M would be a good precaution in case the direction would go a bit darker in some chapters. We're going to be unpacking trauma and all, and I think those themes are definitely more mature.
> 
> Also, lol at the ending that's the closest thing to smut that I can write. I know that we have been DEPRIVED of elorcan smut in KOA, but as much as I wanted to fulfill that desire, I suck at writing sex scenes hahaha. I was tempted to include smut in this chapter (or in the future chapters) but It’s unlikely that I’ll be including schmexy times cuz I actually have tried to write it and I realized that I cannot write smut to save my life and it just ends up being ridiculous lol.
> 
> anyways thanks for reading! let me know what you guys think :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My two brain cells finished another chapter!

The servants and guards all stopped in their tracks to bow as Manon entered the castle doors and walked along its halls. She paid no heed to them and continued walking with her chin held high, trying to sense where in the palace were her companions. 

The moment she got word from Dorian that Elide Lochan would be staying in his castle for a few weeks for her injury to be healed, Manon decided that it would be a good time to pay Rithfold a visit. She can continue helping Dorian in training the ruks, and she could also check on the Lady of Perranth.

It was already night time when she arrived in the castle in Rithfold, her arrival delayed by a few hours because Abraxos decided that he wanted to sleep in a field of flowers they passed by on the way. 

Before Manon could ask any of the servants where Dorian or Elide was, her ears picked up the whispers of one servant explaining to the other that she was speculated to be a lover of King Dorian, that she was the one who warmed his bed.

Manon stopped dead in her tracks.

The world must have turned on its head for her to be referred to as just a lover to the arrogant King, and not be introduced as Queen of the Crochans.

She was Manon Blackbeak Crochan. 

It irked her that she was gossiped about being a lover and not revered for her power or how dangerously skilled she was in combat and in battle.

 _A lover_ she wanted to laugh. If she were going to be associated with the King in _that way_ at all, she’d rather preferred to be called _The lover_. At least that title had sounded more legitimate and was singular. She’ll be damned if she was just one of many. She shut down that thought immediately, disliking whatever emotion that was she just felt. 

Manon turned around and faced the servant, then prowled towards her. The girl’s eyes widened as she approached, her throat bobbing as she forced herself to stand up straight.

She bowed to Manon.

“Where are they?” she asked with lethal calm, letting her iron teeth out as she smiled.

“At the dining room, Your Majesty” she croaked, her head still down.

“ _‘Your Majesty?’_ ” Manon’s brows furrowed in mock confusion “Surely as someone who is merely a lover of the King, formalities are too much for me. What do you think?”

“I- uh” she stammered, her heart racing “But you are Queen of the Crochans, Your Majesty”

“Oh yes, I forgot. Thank you for reminding me” Manon smiled, satisfied. “Perhaps you can remind everyone else since you’re inclined to gossip that I’m someone who just warms Dorian’s bed”

“I apologize” the girl said quickly, her hands starting to shake “I apologize Your Majesty”

Manon stepped closer to the girl then leaned in to her, their faces only a few inches way. Absolute terror and fear coated the scent of the girl, her body trembling, her eyes starting to water. 

“Tell me” the Queen purred, her iron nail grazing the servant’s strand of hair “Has the Lady of Perranth arrived?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. She arrived this afternoon. They are all having supper together”

Manon nodded, satisfied to know that her travel to Rithfold was not a waste then. She would have thrown a murderous fit if she found out Dorian was lying about Elide just so that she would visit. 

“I am here for official matters” she whispered against the girl’s ear “Not that this is any of your business but I don’t warm the King’s bed. Our trysts are often spontaneous thus we’ve never actually reached his bedroom.”

With that, she winked at her, then turned to walked away, heading to the hall that led to the dining room.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

Manon heard the clanging of silverware and voices, so she knew she was near the dining room. The damn massive castle made it a struggle for her to move around and find what she needed. She strode to the end of the hall that had huge double doors as the entrance, knowing well that they were inside.

She ignored the guards who bowed and reached for the door to open it for her, pushing right past them and shoving the doors open herself.

All heads turned to her as she stood at the entrance of the dining hall.

“Witchling” Dorian said in surprise, a smile already on his lips “What a pleasant surprise. I’m glad you’re able to join us”

“Hello Princeling” she said as she strode in. Even if Dorian has been King for well over a year now, she still kept the pet name. _Kingling_ didn’t sound as nice.  
Manon walked towards the large table where they were all seated. She scanned the room and those who occupied the table: Dorian sat at the head of the table, Chaol, Yrene and the child was on his left side; Elide and Lorcan were seated at his right. “I apologize for interrupting your meal. I was supposed to arrive earlier but Abraxos got side tracked”

“Manon!” Elide exclaimed, her face filled with pleasant surprise as she excused herself from the table and walked over to her. Manon gave a smile as she approached, but was thrown off guard when the little lady threw her arms around her and enveloped her in a hug. 

“Well met, lady witchling” she said, frozen in place as Elide arms remained around her. When the Lady managed to pull away and look at her from arm’s length, the witch took the time to study Elide’s features. 

Elide’s cheeks were flushed and she had more color in her skin. She wasn’t as pale as the moon as the last time she saw her. She stood with her chin held high and her back straight, much more confident in herself. Manon also took in her frame—Elide definitely looked happier and healthier, she had more meat in her bones and shape to her curves. The frightened frail girl she met at Morath a year ago wasn’t there anymore. The woman in front of her was well and truly Lady of Perranth.

Manon’s eyes looked past Elide and landed on the Lady’s husband, who was standing a few feet behind, watching them with caution—as if ready to pounce should Manon harm his wife.

“ _Lord Lorcan Lochan_ ” she greeted him, always amused with his name “Good thing that your wife looks beautiful and healthy despite being married to you for a year. I would have killed you on sight if she looked anything but.”

“ _Manon_ ” Elide said in disbelief.

“She is perfectly capable of killing me on her own if she decided that I have been anything but a good partner to her” he said cooly.

Manon smirked at him and was going to reply, but whatever she planned to say died on her lips. A certain smell distracted her. Her brows furrowed as she leaned forward and slowly examined Elide, all while sniffing her scent. She smelled different. She normally smelled like berries and cinnamon but now something strong tangled with her scent. Manon’s eyes suddenly focused on the small purplish bruise that was at the hollow of her throat. A knowing smile played on her lips “That explains why my little witchling is glowing.”

Lorcan’s back stiffened as he realized that the witch could probably scent him on her after their earlier ministrations. Especially since he bit her. Anyone with their heightened sense of smell would be able to know that his wife has been claimed because of their entangled scents. He closed the distance between them and pulled Elide into his arms, as if to protect her from Manon’s scrutinizing gaze. 

Elide looked from him to Manon, wide eyed and confused.

“Mind your own business” Lorcan growled in warning, his hold on Elide was tight. “And she’s not your witchling, _she’s mine_.”

“I think you forgot when I told you your claim on her is at the bottom of the list” she crooned “And I was minding my own business but it’s hard to ignore your scent which is coming off from her in waves. There’s also the bite mark you left on her neck, you brute.” 

Elide’s hand flew to her neck consciously, her face heating. Lorcan’s cheeks also tinted with red. 

“I forgot how territorial fae males can be, especially after coupling.”

“What’s it to you?” he snarled “Aelin’s entire court never gave you shit for reeking of Dorian’s scent back when we were all on that ship.” 

Dorian and Chaol choked on their wine. 

Manon snarled then let her iron teeth show, to which Lorcan growled in return, reaching for the knife he sheathed in his belt.

“Stop it, both of you!” The Lady of Perranth demanded. 

Elide put her hands against Lorcan’s chest and pushed him backwards. She caught his eye and silently pleaded with him to stop how he was acting. His nostrils flared and his jaw clenched, but the tension slowly left his body. 

Elide sighed in relief, then walked back to the table, Lorcan following behind her. 

When they were both seated on their chairs, Chaol and Yrene exchanged amused looks.

“What?” the Lady challenged, glaring at her friends.

Chaol and Yrene just raised their hands in surrender and suppressed their smiles. Josefina, as if on cue, cackled in delight.

“Manon, don’t torment my guests” Dorian cleared his throat, then stood up from his chair “Please join us we were all having a lovely and civil discussion on how rebuilding has been for all of us.”

“That doesn’t interest me” she said airily, striding across the room to take a seat on the armrest of Dorian’s chair. “I came here to help train the rukhins. Not to talk about feelings with the rest of you.”

“Is that so?” Dorian said, a knowing smile on his face “The last time you visited to train the rukhs was two months ago. The moment I sent word that Lady Elide will be visiting, you arrive two days later. I’d assume that you actually wanted to talk about feelings—with her at least.”

“I’m a ruler busy with my own rebuilding too, your highness. I can’t drop everything and leave at your beck and call” she drawled, her golden eyes challenging him. “Though I can make an exception for the little witchling”

Dorian’s body tingled with excitement from their short exchange. He knew that look and tone she used when they challenged each other. It was often followed by their mouths finding each other, teeth gnashing and lip biting, as they used each other’s bodies to release the tension that brewed whenever they were in the same room long enough. The King’s train of thought was cut off from the Lady on his right. 

“You went here for me?” Elide asked in surprise, flattered at the thought of it. She has always considered Manon to be an older sister she never had, along with Aelin. She had two very powerful, dangerous and overprotective sisters. Both of which have tormented Lorcan mercilessly. 

Manon rolled her eyes “My rutting wyvern’s ears perked up the moment I mentioned your name and has not stopped bugging me ever since. He wants to see you more than I do.”

Elide smirked, knowing well that it was the closest thing to Manon admitting that she actually missed her, probably just as much as she did her. 

Dorian also noticed this and was pleased with himself because he was right when he assumed that Manon would come visit for Elide. But then a small part of him was disappointed that she was so quick to come here for her, but he had trouble in trying to make her visit him the past year. 

He understood though. 

Manon was Queen of the Crochans and Ironteeth, she was busy helping her witches rebuild and establish themselves. It also didn’t help that The Wastes took days of travel, so it wasn’t easy for her to drop by. And of course, he knew she was still grieving for her thirteen. 

She hasn’t spoken of them yet, at least not to him. She deflected any efforts on his part to try and get her to open up and talk about anything that went into the feelings territory. She would either bite his head off then ignore him or would shut him up the best way she knew how. Which was with her own mouth.

Now that Manon was here though, he wanted to maximize his time with her. He already planned on spending more time with her, get her to realize that he was there for her— not just for pleasure and a temporary relief, but someone who she could really trust and talk to. Someone to share the burden of whatever pain she felt. 

Dorian didn’t know how long she planned to stay in Rithfold but he was sure that he couldn’t watch her go again and be uncertain of the next time he will get to see her.

He’d worry about how he was going to navigate this thing between him and Manon later. 

For now, he was content with her perched on his chair’s armrest, while his guests and friends all talked and enjoyed each other’s company for the rest of the meal. 

= = = = = 

After supper, it was Yrene and Chaol who excused themselves first. Josefina was already starting to become restless and they agreed that it was time for them to go home so she can be put to sleep.

Yrene embraced Elide—reminding her that she will be seeing her in the afternoon of the next day; then hugged Manon too, to which the witch hugged back reluctantly. Chaol just gave a nod to all of them since Josefina was still crying in his arms. 

“I’ll have one of the rooms set up for you” Dorian told Manon, in case she was still uncomfortable with the idea of her staying with him in his room “I can bring you there if you wish”

Manon just looked at him and nodded “I’ll check in with Abraxos first. The worm’s been needy recently, wanting me to talk to him until he sleeps.”

“Can I join you?” Elide said “I want to see Abraxos.”

Lorcan—whose arm was around Elide, tensed. Elide looked up to him, ready to convince him that she will be fine but Manon beat her to it.

“I won't let anything happen to her” Manon reassured him, noticing his reaction. “I think you forget that I was the one who saved your precious Elide from Morath.”

“You can go ahead without me” Elide said, smiling up at Lorcan then gave him a quick peck on the lips “I’ll be with you in a while”

“Fine” he said, leaning down to kiss her again “I’ll wait for you.”

With that, Elide walked side by side with Manon as they walked across the huge halls and went towards the spacious garden at the front of the castle, where Abraxos was sprawled across the lawn. The wyvern perked up when he saw his rider and the Lady approach him.

Manon ran her hands along his head, Abraxos making a sound that was similar to a purring of a cat. Elide smiled and reached out to do the same. 

“How’s your leg?”

“It’s seen better days” Elide replied, noticing the look Manon was giving her foot “Lorcan’s magic has been bracing my foot. That’s why I can still walk around normally”

“What happens when he doesn’t brace it?”

Elide sighed, trying not to remember the incident in the bathroom hours ago. “Five days ago, Lorcan had to leave for a mission and he wasn’t there to brace my leg. I was in agony. My entire body felt weak and I couldn’t walk and I actually fainted. It’s gotten really worse.”

“I’m glad your Uncle died but I regret not torturing him first.” Manon said through gritted teeth.

“I’m sure Lorcan and Aelin tortured him enough.”

“Your Lorcan, how is he treating you?”

Elide paused, surprised by the question. She felt her cheeks heating.“I love him so much it physically hurts sometimes”

“I can imagine it being painful to love him”

“That’s not what I meant.” She lightly smacked her “He really is the most patient and loving partner I could ask for. He’s a great Lord too, Rowan and Aelin were surprised by how good he is in ruling and rebuilding. He can be fussy and overprotective but I've come to understand it's how he shows his love.” 

“I’m happy for you, Elide” she said, a genuine smile on her face. 

"Thank you. Though I'd also appreciate it if you stopped provoking him into fights."

The witch laughed “I'll try my best not to goad him, but I'm not promising.”

“He really takes good care of me, Manon. For a decade, I felt like I was alone and abandoned, forgotten by everyone. I don't feel that way now. I found a home in him.”

Manon kept quiet, her face solemn as she tried to comprehend all the feelings that Elide shared. “Is that what love feels like? Love makes you feel like you are at home?”

Elide nodded “It’s the best way I can explain it. Love makes you happy and you find a home in the people you love.”

Manon considered the Lady’s words. “Asterin once told me love makes you want to live and fight for it.”

“Have you felt that way for anybody?”

The image of Dorian smiling came to mind. She recalled how often he taunted her into small arguments to rile her yet always had this tenderness about him when he talked to her about anything. She thought of how he often asked how she was feeling and how he was able to read her as if she were an open book. She hated that she was in uncharted territory, that it was difficult to be around him because of the effort she has to put in placing walls between them. And yet it was also so easy to lose herself in whatever she felt when she was with him.

Manon shrugged “I don’t know”

Elide opened her mouth, about to ask about Dorian but Manon cut her a glare- as if she knew what she was going to say, so Elide decided against it. “How are you, Manon?” she asked instead.

The witch contemplated whether or not she was going to answer. But it was hard not to, with both Abraxos and Elide looking at her expectantly. Manon sighed “It’s been difficult. Being a ruler of a clan you hardly know, feeling like an outsider with people who are supposed to be your family. I always knew that I was going to be a leader, but I always imagined that the thirteen would be there by my side.”

Elide touched her shoulder, Manon didn’t flinch. Abraxos even lay his head on her feet, offering comfort.

“What do you do, when you miss them?” Elide asked softly

She shrugged again “What can I do, really?”

“Do you have new friends or companions with the Crochans?”

“In a way. But I’ve only been with them for a year. I’ve had my thirteen for a century.”

“You miss them.”

Manon nodded, throat tight. She turned away from Elide to look up at the moon. 

Every night she looked up at the sky, waiting for them to come. Hoping to see them atop their wyverns, flying back to her.

She knew it was stupid and useless to wish for such things. 

Still, it never stopped her from doing so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you guys didn’t expect this Manon chapter!!! I just wanted some big sister bonding w Manon because I really love my Crochan queen and I love her relationship with Elide. Even if I’m Elorcan trash, I would have also been down for Malide tbh haha. This was an effort to write though because of the ensemble of characters. Idk how SJM does it. I had to reread some parts of EoS, ToD, and KoA to make sure I get the characters right and so they don’t become OOC. 
> 
> *totally unrelated thought but omg I lost my mind when SJM announced A Court of Silver Flames!!! I’m Nessian trash too ok they come second to Elorcan, and I’m super stoked for their book! (I want some pining, angst, rough & hateful trysts between them both. And im also looking forward to Nesta’s character arc and development)!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello, I'm back! It's finally the weekend so I had time to finish this and edit. Enjoy!

As promised, Yrene arrived in their room the afternoon of the next day, just after they had their lunch. She had Elide lay down on the bed so she could examine her foot once more. Yrene asked Elide to describe the pain, point to which parts hurt the most, and asked her a series of questions about her routines that involved her leg.

After the questioning and answering, Lorcan was already tense from the deep furrow of the healer’s brows. Yrene looked like was in deep thought— and Lorcan couldn’t tell if it was because she was calculating the best way to approach the injury or if she had bad news to deliver. Like maybe the damage was too bad that even she couldn’t heal his wife.

The longer the silence stretched, Lorcan’s jaw clenched and unclenched and it took everything in him to not shake the healer and demand her to speak. 

Finally, Yrene nodded to herself then faced Elide “The best way to heal your injury is by reconstructing your foot and ankle. Just like what I told you a year ago, reconstructing means I would have to break apart your bones, take apart the ones that fused incorrectly, then regrow them.”

“Can you explain the process step by step?” Elide asked, trying her best not to let her voice waver.

“I’ll start with your foot first. I’ll be making an incision here” she held Elide’s foot in her hand pointed to its side “Then I’m going to be studying it from the inside to see the injuries myself. I’ll be using an instrument that would help me break apart the bones then my magic will be regrowing them. When I’m done, I’ll be stitching your foot closed then I’ll heal it so it will be nothing but a light scar when you wake up tomorrow.”

“Will I be awake for this?”

“I can give you a tonic that would make you unconscious for the procedure. It will also reduce the pain while I’m working on your foot. But the effect will only last for a few hours. When you regain consciousness, you will feel it.”

Elide let out a shaky breath and nodded.

“The same procedure will be done to your ankle. I’ll also be making an incision then I’ll repair your broken joints and torn ligaments. That would need me to cut the torn ligament short then I’ll be stitching them. Afterwards, my powers will strengthen the ligaments so your ankle can support your weight properly without pain."

“The actual process of taking out the bones and putting them back together will take a week or three at most—for both your foot and ankle. It will depend on how intricate the injury is, how much bones and ligaments I would have to break apart and fuse properly. I’ll have to evaluate it first when I make the incision. Afterwards, you would need another two weeks of rest and a month of learning how to use your foot again.”

Elide’s eyes widened as she slowly started to realize how long her stay would be in Adarlan. She and Lorcan knew that it would take a few weeks— a month at most, but as she calculated the timeline Yrene gave her, she’d be here for two months or more. She didn’t realize her stay would be that long, and she suddenly felt worried because of the duties they have left behind in Perranth. Elide glanced at Lorcan, to see if he was worrying about the same thing as she was, but it seemed like something else was on his mind. 

“Can I still brace her leg while you work on her?” Lorcan found himself asking. 

Yrene faced him and gave an apologetic smile “I’m afraid you may not. If I were to break apart her bones and ligaments while you braced her, your magic might interfere with the process. Your brace makes sure she doesn’t feel pain, which might contradict my effort to make an incision and break down her bones. I’m afraid there’s no escaping the pain that accompanies what I’ll do. I don’t want to risk further complications, so I suggest that you don’t use your magic while I work on her leg.”

Lorcan remained silent, his face hard as he absorbed the information. That would mean for weeks, he wouldn’t be able to ease the agony that Elide will be put in. He has to be by her side and watch her suffer. 

“Don’t worry. I’ll be making a tonic for Elide to drink so that she remains unconscious while I work on her. The tonic also has properties that temporarily numb the pain, just enough so she can endure it.“

“Okay” said Elide, accepting that it was the only way. Lorcan, however, seemed to have trouble accepting it judging by the deep frown on his face. 

Yrene gave a small smile at Elide then at Lorcan “I can give you time to decide if you still wish to push through with this. Remember what I told you before; you have the choice to decide how to go about this.”

Elide just shrugged, trying not to let her worries show “We’re already here. I’ve already decided that I want this for myself.”

Yrene nodded “We can begin as early as tonight or tomorrow morning if you wish. The earlier we start, the sooner you get healed.”

“I’d like to begin this evening if it’s okay” Elide said, looking between Yrene and Lorcan “I want to start as soon as possible”

“Okay, I suggest that you eat your supper early, atleast an hour before sunset. Make sure to also drink your ginger tea.”

Elide nodded silently as she watched Yrene stand up. 

“I can start at sunset so we have the entire night. You may rest first while I prepare my things.I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“Thank you Yrene”

The healer gave a small smile and a reassuring hug, then left their room. When her footsteps weren't in hearing distance, Lorcan faced Elide “Are you sure you can handle it?”

“I’m going to find out since I don’t have much of a choice, Lorcan.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose “I’m sorry. I thought that I would be able to help you. I didn’t expect her to say that I can’t use my magic—“

“Why are you saying sorry?” she frowned “It’s not like you want me to be in pain. We just have to accept that it’s the best way. I’ll be unconscious anyway and I’ll be taking the tonic. It’s okay.”

Lorcan nodded, trying his best to shake away the image of her crumpling down on the tiles of the bathroom and the memory of Elide pale and unconscious on their couch when he got home a week ago. If she said she'd be fine, he would have to trust her and believe in her. 

“I didn’t realize how long this was going to take” Elide started, distracting Lorcan from his brood “I expected a month at most, but based on what Yrene said it will take two months and maybe even more.”

Lorcan faced her, trying to read why that fact bothered her. He understood that her injury was complex and expected that they would be in Adarlan for long, so he was surprised that Elide mentioned it. As if she wasn’t expecting it. 

“I’m just worried that we’re leaving Perranth for two months” Elide explained as she read the confusion on his face “We left behind a lot of responsibilities. Our City is just starting to flourish again, what if something bad happens while we’re gone?”

“Elide, we have a group of councilmen and advisors who we already briefed before we left. We also wrote to Rowan and Aelin to explain our absence. Just focus on your healing first. Perranth should be the least of your worries.”

“You’re not worried at all about our home?”

Lorcan shrugged “I trust that we left Perranth in good hands.”

“Trust? That’s a big word for you.” Elide snorted “I think you just like the fact that the people are afraid to face your wrath if they do anything wrong while we’re away.” 

He rolled his eyes. “People can still move on with their lives if we’re gone for a month or two. The council and advisors are capable enough and Perranth will still be there when we return. Your injury however, will get worse if you don’t face it now. So it’s a matter of focusing on the most pressing matter, okay? You’re far more important to me.”

“You’re a terrible Lord if you think that. Perranth should be your first priority.” She joked as she poked his arm accusingly.

“I married you to become your partner and equal, Elide Lochan, not to be Lord of Perranth. I bound my life to yours. So my first priority will always be to you. Perranth is a close second.”

“Och, I can’t handle you being sentimental. It’s so unlike you.” Elide said despite the warmth she felt in her heart. 

He grinned “Blame yourself, you made me like this.”

= = = = = = = = = = 

Yrene held her child in her arms, smiling at Josefina as she stirred gently but easily went back into a peaceful sleep. She didn’t notice Chaol as he entered the room and slipped behind her to press a kiss on her temple. 

“How are my two angels?” he whispered against her ear as he wrapped his arms around his wife.

“Josefina had a good day. I carried her and walked around the garden in the morning. She was amazed by Abraxos who was out in the field”

Chaol raised his eyebrow at her to which Yrene laughed “Don’t worry, I didn’t let her get too close. The wyvern certainly wanted to make friends though. It kept rolling on the ground and made eyes at us.”

“I’m not surprised that my daughter is as fearless as her mother. Wyverns still terrify me.” he whispered then leaned in to press a soft kiss on Josefina’s forehead “I can already imagine her giving me a heart attack when she grows up and shows preferences towards all things dangerous.”

“She’s just five months old, Chaol” Yrene laughed softly “You don’t have to worry about that for the next seventeen years.”

Yrene glanced at the sky and saw that the sun was starting to set on the horizon. She loved watching sunsets, especially with Josefina in her arms. It was a reminder that another wonderful day has passed and it made her look forward to whatever the next day has in store.

But as she stared at the orange sky, she remembered that she needed to meet Elide for their first session. She turned around and faced her husband “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you. I have to leave in a while. I’ll be starting on healing Elide’s leg tonight. You can go home with Josefina so you can rest. I’ll be home in a few hours.”

Chaol reached out his hands so he could carry their daughter in his arms. Thankfully, the baby didn’t stir as Yrene passed Josefina to him. 

“We can wait for you or we can stay the night here. It might be too late when you finish, you would need to sleep afterwards.” Chaol said softly.

Both Chaol and Yrene were grateful that Dorian had already assigned them a bedroom in the castle. As the Hand of the King, Chaol spent a great amount of time in the castle for trainings and meetings which lasted for unpredictably long hours. Yrene was also in the castle often because she was busy with her plans to establish a Torre in Adarlan. Josefina also got used to staying in the large castle often, stealing the attention and hearts of everyone who came across her. So Dorian decided to give one of the guest rooms for Chaol and Yrene to use in case they worked long hours into the night and were too tired to go home. The room was like their second home already since they had their necessities and spare things there. The room even had a crib for Josefina. 

Yrene nodded then went to the end of the room to gather her things. Once she double-checked the equipment she needed, she went back to Chaol to kiss him quickly then bent down to kiss Josefina on the cheek “I’ll be with you both in a few hours. Good night. I love you.”

Once she reached Elide and Lorcan’s room— which was just at the other end of the hall, Lorcan immediately opened the door before she could knock on it. She gave him a smile, which he didn’t return, and followed him inside.

Elide was already lying on the bed, playing with the fabric of the pillow she had on her lap. Lorcan chose to sit down on the other side of the bed so he could hold his wife’s hand. His thumb grazed her hand in reassurance.

“Hi” Yrene greeted, trying to ease the nervous tension that filled the room “Were you able to rest well?”

The Lady of Perranth nodded “Yes thank you. How about you?” 

“I was able to spend time with Josefina and put her to sleep before I went here.” She answered as she settled on the edge of the bed, where Elide’s legs were propped. “I can bring her with me the next days, just so she can say hello.”

Elide’s face brightened “I’d love that.”

Yrene reached for the satchel she brought and carefully brought out the items she needed. She held a bottle of liquid towards Elide, a tonic, which she asked her to drink. 

“That’s the tonic that will make you fall asleep while I work on you” she explained as Elide examined the bottle in her hands “It will also be numbing the pain for a few hours. You can drink it now since its takes a few minutes for the effect to kick in.”

“What’s in it?” asked Lorcan.

“It’s called _dwale_ ” Yrene explained “It has bile, opium, lettuce, bryony, henbane, hemlock and vinegar. The opium and hemlock come in miniscule doses, so it’s perfectly safe.”

Elide wasn’t able to help herself as she scrunched her nose at the mention of bile and vinegar. Regardless, she tipped her head back then downed the tonic just to get it over with. 

Lorcan squeezed her hand as she fought the urge to gag.

“While the tonic sets in your body, I’ll just inform you of what I plan for tonight. I’ll start by making the incision on your foot so I can start examining the broken bones. I’ll be breaking down the ones that fused incorrectly so they can regrow properly. Hopefully I can be done with your foot tonight so I can move on to your ankle tomorrow. If not, I'll continue working on it tomorrow and the next days.”

Elide nodded “What do I need to do when you finish tonight?' 

“Once we’re done with the procedure tonight, I won’t be waking you up anymore so you can rest until tomorrow. I'll be placing two pillows where your legs should be propped up. When you wake up in the morning, your leg should remain elevated on the two pillows and you are not to move or walk at all, is that clear?”

Lorcan and Elide nodded.

“If you need to relieve yourself or see to your needs, Lorcan can carry you but do not move your foot nor put any weight on it. Continue drinking the tea I’ll leave you and I’ll also give you something to drink that’s for the pain. I’ll inform Lorcan about the rest. Okay?”

Elide took a deep breath “Okay”

“One last thing” Yrene said, her voice much more gentle “I want to let you know that the healing of physical wounds is closely tied to the healing of emotional ones. I’ve told this to my husband when I healed his spine and it’s something I like to remind some of my patients.”

Elide’s brows furrowed in confusion “Why are you telling me this?”

She gave her a small smile “Your injury has been a part of you since you were a child. You’ve endured so much and you’ve come so far, but the past has a way of coming back to haunt us especially if it is something that we haven’t completely moved on from. You have to acknowledge whatever it is that you might feel, but don’t let it win in the end.”

“I try my best not to give it power over me. I’m happy with where I am now.” she said as she looked at the tan hand that was holding hers “I just got brief nightmares recently right when my injury worsened.”

“Exactly”

Elide stared at her blankly, letting the words sink into her. She was going to ask Yrene what she meant by that and why it was important, but a yawn was the only thing that came out of Elide’s mouth. Her eyes suddenly felt heavy and her body went limp. She felt weightless. Elide leaned back against the pillows and wasn’t able to fight it when her eyes closed. 

= = = = = = = 

Once Elide was unconscious on the bed, Yrene lifted her damaged leg onto her lap, where a towel was placed. She reached for the scalpel beside her then looked at Lorcan. “Have you removed your brace from her leg?”

He nodded, his hand still holding Elide’s.

Yrene gently felt the side of her foot then wiped the surface with the same tonic that Elide drank, spreading the liquid on the surface of the skin that she planned to cut open.

Yrene then carefully dragged the knife against her skin, cutting the flesh on her foot open. She ignored the sound of Lorcan sucking in his breath so she could focus on getting a straight and clean incision. 

Once the cut was a clean straight line, Yrene reached for the metal instrument that would hold the skin open then gently inserted it so she could examine the flesh and bone that was damaged and that needed repairing. She pressed down a cloth to soak up the blood that was starting to flow so she could probe deeper.

Yrene let out a shaky breath as she saw the different kinds of damage there was. Some of the bones had a few fine lines on its sides, which meant there were tiny cracks in the bones. Some were displaced—which happens when a bone breaks and they end up not lining up properly. Yrene was really surprised that Elide managed to walk all this time and endured her broken bones to support her weight. 

“What is it?” Lorcan’s gruff voice pulled her out of her concentration.

Yrene hesitated telling him for a moment, but he started glaring at her. “There are small bones that have cracks on them. There are two bigger ones that broke and didn’t line up properly” she explained softly “Since her arthritis has already kicked in, the cartilage that cushions the end of her bones has started to thin. This caused some of her bones to rub together which explains the brittleness of its ends and the swelling of her foot.”

 _Gods above_.

Lorcan nodded, his face grave as he studied the healer as she further examined the injury. 

Even as someone who was raised to be a warrior, someone who has caused pain and bloodshed to his enemies; he didn’t think all those battles and wars would have prepared him for the sight in front of him. No words sounded as painful or vile as the words that the healer used to describe his wife’s injuries. 

His eyes and chest suddenly felt heavy. 

When he killed or tortured people under Maeve’s commands in his past life, he was brutal in dealing with them. The sight of blood and torn flesh never bothered him. 

But seeing this injury, having to see and hear for himself the effect of all the pain and suffering his wife has been forced to endure as a child until now made him sick with sorrow and anguish for Elide. 

He felt the overwhelming need to cry for her pain, for her loss. 

He couldn’t imagine how a child was forced to move on with her life with her bones broken, having to feel the pain every time she used her feet. He started seeing red when he tried to picture her already mangled feet being placed in shackles and was forced to be treated like a slave in Morath. 

Lorcan always considered himself as a pessimist because he knew and accepted that life was hard, unfair, and unjust. But _rutting hell_ , he never expected life to ever be that cruel to some innocent and helpless child. As if it wasn’t enough that she lost both of her parents. 

He was suddenly glad that Aelin threw all of those damned gods into the hell realm because that’s what they deserved after allowing such cruelty to happen to Elide and to a lot of other innocent people. Even if Elide claims that she was guided by Anneith growing up, that goddess bitch still didn’t do a damned thing to save her or help her injury. She just whispered riddles into Elide's ears. If given the chance, Lorcan would have hunted Anneith down in his afterlife. He would go into the hell realm just to torture Anneith for not being a better guardian to Elide. Then he would hunt down Hellas too for not making their paths cross sooner so he could have saved Elide from Vernon.

“Please don’t cry on me Lorcan. I can sense your anger and sorrow” Yrene said, though her gaze remained on Elide “I may be a very skilled healer but I can’t console you and heal her injuries at the same time. I might be tempted to watch a centuries old fae burst into tears instead.”

Lorcan narrowed his eyes at her but managed to huff out a laugh “I apologize. I’ll try not to let my rage get in the way of your work. Don’t mind my brooding.”

“I’m also thinking that same thing as you, you know” she said, her voice more gentle as she reached her hand into the opening of the cut “I’ve healed numerous of patients of varying injuries. Most of them are as serious and may be as disturbing to look at, but most were just accidents. This one, however, wasn’t. This was caused by long years of cruelty and that’s what breaks my heart the most.”

“It doesn’t help that Elide is someone who I consider a dear friend too. I’m trying hard not to imagine how she got each and every one of these cracks and how long she had to carry her weight on a broken foot. She is a very strong woman, but I wish she didn’t have to endure all this.”

Lorcan glared “You aren’t helping. This isn’t going to help either of us feel better about this.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel better" she said simply “I’m just thinking out loud to distract you.”

Lorcan brushed his thumb against Elide’s hand again, an act he often did to offer her comfort or support. But in that moment, as he watched Yrene break apart her bones, as his ears picked up the loud cracks and crunching sounds that it made; he brushed his thumb against her hand again and again. But the action wasn't only to try comforting Elide, but also to comfort himself from the unease and worry he felt for her. 

To remind him that Elide was still with him, and that she will be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, this chapter was a challenge to write. First, because of the "medical" aspect of the fic. I wanted to be as factually correct when it came to the terms, procedures etc. I had multiple tabs open on foot and ankle injuries, the anatomy of a foot, and even an ankle surgery video. Then I had to consider that this wasn't a modern fic so I had to research medical practices during different time periods. Crazy. But yeah take everything I wrote with a grain of salt. 
> 
> Secondly, work was crazy this week so it didn't help that this chapter was kind of heavy on the feels. I may or may not have teared up. multiple times. while writing this. Or idk maybe I was just projecting my work-related stress onto this fic hahaha.
> 
> Lastly, when I finished the draft of this chapter, I immediately went on to write the 9th chapter. I was really in an emotional mood and my two brain cells were on a roll to produce more words so yeah I'll upload the next chapter either tomorrow or in two days. The next one is worse though, not going to lie. 
> 
> Ok i know i talk too much i just miss human interaction after 111 days of being quarantined ok byeee


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised!

The sun was starting to set on the horizon, the sky turning a beautiful mixture of orange and yellow. 

Elide was on top of the hill that bordered their city, the hill that overlooked the Lochan Tower, the lake and the rest of Perranth. 

This was her favourite place to think or to simply have a moment on her own. Ever since she was locked in a tower, Elide would stare at the hills, wishing that one day she would be free to climb up the greenery and take in the view of the city. She was beyond happy that she got her wish. She was now a free person. She finally got to walk up the grassy slope and enjoy the view every single day.

The gentle breeze blew softly against her skin, which made her close her eyes and revel in the peace it gave her.

Strong arms wrapped around her torso, and she knew from the scent and the feel of his body that it was Lorcan. He pressed a kiss against her temple “It’s getting late. We should go back.”

She smiled up at him then pointed to the horizon “Let’s watch the sun set first. This is my favourite part of the day.”

“I’ve noticed” he smiled against her “You always find an excuse to go up here.”

They both fell silent as they listened to the wind that blew gently, the rustle of the tall grass as it moved towards the direction of the wind, and the birds chirping in a close distance. The sun slowly started to go down, hiding itself from view; making the sky turn a darker shade of orange then it slowly shifted to purple then darkness.

When the sun already hid beneath the horizon, Lorcan took Elide by surprise by carrying her over his shoulder-just like how he used to when they were first acquainted. 

“Put me down” Elide laughed while softly hitting the hard muscle of his back “Lorcan, I can walk!”

“I’m carrying you home since you walk too slow.” he said, laughing at her small fist hitting his body “We’ll be home by midnight at the rate you move.”

Lorcan took longer strides as they went down the hill and towards their home, laughing and teasing each other the entire way down. 

When their house was a street away, Lorcan set her down on the ground. 

“I should run away and call for help” she huffed “A brute has carried and held me against my will.”

“By all means go” he gestured for her to try and run.

Elide, for some reason, was in the mood to play games so she picked up her skirts then tried to sprint away from him and towards their home. 

Lorcan just rolled his eyes and continued his walking pace, amused at the sight of his small wife running away from him—as if there was ever a possibility of her outrunning him.

Elide was still laughing when she was a minute into her run, which made it harder for her to breathe. She turned around to see if Lorcan was running after her, but he was still walking—watching her in amusement.

“If you catch me, I’ll give you your reward tonight” she called out teasingly.

"What reward?"

"It's a surprise" she said, a wicked gleam in her eyes "Though I'm sure it is something you will enjoy immensely."

“And if I don’t catch you?” he challenged.

She scoffed in mock disbelief “Do you need any other incentive?”

Next thing she knew, Lorcan was charging after her. Her heart started pounding furiously in her chest and she shrieked then picked up her skirts and ran towards their home. She pushed her feet harder into the ground and took longer strides to make sure he wouldn’t catch up to her. 

Their home was getting nearer and nearer, the gate was slowly becoming larger as she neared. 

Lorcan was still behind her but only a small distance separating them. Elide wasn’t able to help the shriek she let out when his arm tried to reach for her. Luckily, she avoided his hold by ducking to her left. 

When she was only a few steps away from their gate, Elide noticed two familiar figures standing in front of their house. 

The two visitors waved their hands.

She took a quick glance at her surroundings to see if they were calling the attention of someone else, but there was no one else in sight except for her and Lorcan—who was still a few steps behind her.

As she neared, she was able to make out that they were a man and a woman. For a moment, Elide was confused because she thought that she was staring at herself. She focused on the woman who had the same petite and slim figure as hers, had the same long black hair, and her face —

“Mommy?” she gasped “Papa?”

Her parents continued to wave and called out to her “Elide!”

All thoughts flew out of her head as she sprinted towards them. She flew into her mother’s arms first, throwing her arm around Marion’s neck. Her mother started crying as she brushed her hand against Elide’s long hair and held her daughter in her arms. Her father then put his arm around them both and enveloped the three of them into a hug, until their hold on each other was tight. 

Elide was overcome with a mirage of emotions. She felt so light, as if her love for them brought her to new heights. She revelled in the feel of her mother’s arms around her, hearing her parents’ voices whisper her name over and over again. She never knew how much she missed hearing the sound of their voices. Elide thought that after so many years, she would have forgotten how they sounded like. But as her parents said her name, familiarity tugged at her heart which opened the dam of tears. 

“We missed you so much, my dear Elide” her mother whispered against her head “You’ve grown up into such a beautiful woman.”

“We’re proud of you, Elide” his father murmured “You have no idea how proud you’ve made us.”

“I missed you both so much” Elide whispered against her mother’s arms “It’s been so long.”

Someone coughed behind them which made the three of them look behind, and slowly disentangled themselves from their embrace.

Lorcan was looking at them, wide-eyed, confused and hesitant. As if he felt guilty for interrupting their moment. 

“Mommy, Papa” Elide brushed away the tears from her face then walked over to Lorcan, lacing her arm around his “This is Lorcan, my husband. Lorcan, these are my parents- Marion and Cal Lochan.”

Lorcan, to her surprise, smiled broadly at them and shook her father’s hand “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you both.”

“I hear you are to thank for keeping our Elide safe and happy” her father said as he shook his hand firmly.

“I try my best to, Sir.” He laughed nervously then scratched his head “I’ve heard so much about the both of you. Elide tells me how much she misses you both.”

“Come here” Her mother smiled broadly at Lorcan then enveloped him into a hug—which caught him off guard. Elide laughed at how stiff he looked as he bent down to meet her hug, his arms remaining at his sides. “What a handsome lad you are”

“Mommy, you’re making Lorcan uncomfortable” Elide laughed “He isn’t comfortable with physical affection. He only makes an exception for me of course.”

Marion pulled away from him, sheepish. “I’m sorry, dear. We’ve heard so much about you and what you’ve both been through together and I’m just grateful that you found each other.”

"I'm grateful that our paths have crossed too" Lorcan gave a small smile “I’m glad that I finally get to meet the parents who raised the wonderful woman that I love.”

Elide’s cheeks heated from his words then reached to hold his hand, but Lorcan draped his arm around her instead. Cal then put his own arm around Marion, both of which had knowing looks on their faces as they watched Elide and Lorcan stare lovingly at each other.

“To be frank, I was very worried when we heard that Maeve’s former second —one of the strongest and most powerful fae, was the one our Elide fell in love with. We’ve all heard the stories about you and her cadre.” Cal started, his eyes sizing up Lorcan. 

Her husband suddenly looked uncomfortable while her father eyed him, but he didn’t dare cower under his gaze.  
Lorcan kept his face cool and his arm remained wrapped around Elide.

“But, I’ve come to realize that I wouldn’t have anyone else take care of her. You’ve guarded my daughter with your life and I am eternally grateful to you for that. I can see it now just how much you love each other.”

Lorcan visibly relaxed then let out a shaky breath “I’ve vowed to always love and protect Elide, Sir. It is an honor to do so.”

 _Sir?_ Elide wanted to laugh at the formality. Still, her cheeks heated at their exchange, and looked up to see a similar blush on Lorcan’s cheeks. 

Her heart was overflowing with happiness. Not that it would change her mind at all about Lorcan, but her father approving of the man she loves made her happier than she could have imagined. 

They were all together now. She was surrounded by the people who she loves the most. 

“Let us show you around Perranth!” Elide said all of a sudden, remembering that her parents have been gone for so long “So much has changed. I can show you my favourite spot on top of the hill behind our home! It has a wonderful view that overlooks the city. You’ll both love it.”

Her parents looked between each other, and it was her father who spoke first “It’s okay, we were able to take a stroll earlier. We already saw how beautiful Perranth is again. You’ve both been a great Lord and Lady.”

She beamed at that. “Let’s all go inside then, it’s getting late. Let’s have supper together.” 

She gestured for her parents to come and follow her inside, but they remained standing on the pavement.

“It’s no problem, really. I’m sure there’s plenty to eat” Elide said in confusion, unsure of why they might be hesitant to come inside “I’m certain that you must be famished. You’ve travelled a long way.”

Her mother gave her a sad smile “We aren’t hungry, dear. We just dropped by to say hello.”

A frown decorated Elide’s face “What? You’ve come so far, there’s plenty of food for us and there’s also extra rooms upstairs where you can stay. You’re finally back home, Mommy.”

Marion eyes brimmed with tears and Cal stroked his wife's back in comfort.

Elide looked up at Lorcan, silently asking him to help her convince them but he just looked down at her apologetically. 

“We can’t stay, Elide” her father said gently, his voice filled with sorrow “We have to go.”

Elide’s heart dropped to her stomach “What? But you just arrived. I haven’t been with you for so long.”

“We know and we miss so you much” Cal said as he reached for his daughter “We just needed to see you, but I’m afraid we can’t stay.”

“No” her voice broke as she moved towards them and held on to her Father “Please stay”

Cal ran a soothing hand against her back “I’m sorry, I wish we can. We want nothing more than to be with you.”

She pulled away from him, her throat tight, her vision was starting blur from the tears that were falling down her face as she realized something “You’re leaving me again?”

Her voice sounded so small, so vulnerable. She didn’t recognize the sound of it, and she suddenly felt like she was a child again.

“Elide-“

“No! Both of you left me when I was a child. I was only eight!” she sobbed “You left me with a monster! I needed you both and you weren’t there. Why can’t you make up for it now and stay with us? Our family can be complete again.”

Her mother started weeping along with her, she reached out to her but Elide took a step back. “All my life I had no choice but to grow up fast and be strong. I had to live my life looking behind my shoulder, fearing for my safety. I had to be strong every single day for ten years.”

“I’m tired, Mommy." Elide paused as she choked on her words. Her tears were just falling down harder. She took a deep and steadying breath and tried to reign herself in "I need my family.”

“I’m so sorry” her mother gasped between sobs “We did what we had to do for a better world, a better future for you. We’re sorry that you had to face all of it alone but I swear we were watching over you the entire time. I swear it on your life, Elide.”

“You have made us so proud” her father chimed in, tears starting to fall down his face too “Despite everything that has happened, you got to where you are now. The entire time, we were with you and we watched over you. We love you with all of our heart, Elide. Never forget that.”

Elide continued to weep, her fists clenched at her sides as her body shook. 

Marion took a step towards her then held her daughters face in her hands “Anneith watched over me too, you know. When I was gone, she must have known how much it hurt me to leave you behind so she guided and watched over you too. You were never alone, Elide.”

Elide shaked her head as she sobbed harder. She grew up feeling alone, abandoned and forgotten by everyone. 

“You must go now. Your Lorcan is waiting for you and we need to leave as well.” Her mother told her softly, wiping away the tears from her daughter’s face.

“I’ll come with you” she cried desperately “Lorcan will understand. I’ll tell him I’ll be gone for a few days so I can be with you.”

“Where we are going isn’t the place for you. Not yet at least. You still have your whole life to live.” Her mother smiled sadly then pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You deserve all the happiness that this life has to offer, Elide.”

“I just want my mom and dad” she cries harder, clutching on to her Mother “Please don’t leave me again.”

She felt Lorcan’s hand on her shoulder, gently pulling her back to his arms. Elide shrugged his arm off and tightened her hold on Marion, not wanting to let go.  
Cal brushed her hair away from her face then kissed her forehead. “Continue being strong, Elide. We are with you always.”

= = = = = = = 

Sweat was starting to form on Yrene’s forehead and neck as she used all her strength to regrow the bones she broke apart. She was halfway through, grateful that the procedure took faster than expected. 

It’s been around two hours since she started working on Elide’s foot. Lorcan remained alert the entire time, his hand never leaving Elide’s as Yrene worked on her injury. If she continued the pace she has set for herself, she could be finished in an hour or so.

“Elide” Lorcan whispered in surprise then he shifted in the bed to sit closer to her “Elide?”

Yrene tried to drown out Lorcan’s voice as she closed her eyes and focused all her energy and magic towards fixing bones in front of her. She didn’t have time to console him or indulge in his tendency to worry too much. She let her healing magic caress the splintered bone, allowing her magic to soothe the broken edges and brittle exterior. 

“ _Yrene_ ” Lorcan gritted out “What’s happening?”

The healer kept her eyes closed, still focusing on her magic as it wrapped itself around the bone that was starting to heal. The bone was getting stronger; its exterior wasn’t as brittle as it was earlier. The cracks were starting to blur and erase completely. 

“ _Yrene._ ” he called louder and more demanding this time.

“Hush. Another bone is starting to heal.” 

“Something’s wrong.” he said, the panic clear in his voice “Elide’s crying and shaking”

Yrene broke her concentration to look at Lorcan, whose eyes were wide as he brushed away the tears that were streaming down Elide’s face. 

“Finish up. Stop it now, she might be awake.” He said as he held her hand and brought it to his lips to calm himself “Stop it!”

Yrene ignored him and kept her magic around her bones, another one was just starting to heal—

“Elide might be awake! She’s going to feel her foot gaping open and her bones jutting out of it! _FINISH UP!_ ” Lorcan barked at her.

“Don’t raise your voice at me, Lorcan. I make the decisions where my patients are concerned.” Yrene said, her patience thinning at the commands he was giving her “I already got one of the bigger bones to heal! Her foot could be healed by tonight.”

“But Elide-“

“Elide hasn’t woken up yet!” she snapped “The tears are just the body's natural reaction. And if she did wake up, her body would be numb. She will not feel anything. Calm down and let me finish.”

Yrene shifted her focus to the other broken bone, letting her magic soothe its broken edges. She let her magic coax all the damage away, slowly replacing it with a healed and better version.

Just as another one of the bones was starting to heal, Elide’s leg twitched.

This made the healer finally look up from her work to observe Elide's face. Her eyes were still closed but the tears didn’t stop falling. Her hands started to shake and her breathing became laboured. 

Yrene cursed silently then stopped her magic, quickly working on her foot so she can finish up and stitch the tear on her skin shut. 

When she finished, she washed the blood on her hands in the small basin beside her. She quickly used the towel to dry up her hands so she could carefully lift the foot up and elevate it on two pillows. 

Yrene grabbed Elide’s wrists, feeling her pulse beating madly. She looked up and saw the sharp rise and fall of her chest, as if she was gasping for air. Tears were still streaming down her face and she started sobbing. Her mouth opened and let out hoarse moans.

“Move away” she informed Lorcan as her fingers quickly unlaced the strings of Elide's dress “She needs to breathe properly. Her surroundings shouldn’t be crowded.”

He reluctantly let go of her hand then stood up from the bed, watching with worry as Yrene hovered Elide.

“Breathe Elide” Yrene said softly as she loosened the top of her dress from her body “Breathe”

Elide choked on her tears then ended up coughing a fit, her eyes finally opening. 

But her gaze didn’t fall on Yrene or Lorcan. 

Her eyes were just focused on a random spot in the room, like it was the only thing she could see. They both instantly knew that though her eyes were wide open, she wasn’t awake yet. Not fully. 

“No” Elide cried weakly in between pants “Please don’t leave me”

“I’m here Elide” Lorcan ignored Yrene’s advice by settling beside Yrene and holding his wife’s face in his hands “Wake up.”

Elide was still sobbing, her sounds were unlike any other cries Lorcan has heard from her. He felt the raw pain and anguish in them. It got harder and harder for him to remain calm the longer she cried, he wanted to shake her awake.

“ _Elide Elide Elide_ ” Lorcan whispered again and again as he cradled her face in his hands.

Just when Lorcan was about to shake her, Elide gasped out loud then her eyes quickly scanned the room.  
Her eyes darted from the bed, to Lorcan’s face, to Yrene then around the room.

“Elide” Yrene started, her voice gentle “How do you feel?”

Elide pressed her hands into her eyes, trying her best to stop the tears that were falling. She pursed her lips together to cease the sobs coming out of her mouth.

“Tell me, are you in pain?”

“What do you need? Do you need my brace?”

“Do you need another tonic for the pain?”

“Elide, talk to me.”

Yrene and Lorcan continued speaking to her, but Elide couldn’t focus on anything that they were saying. She could still hear the voices of her parents, could still feel their embrace.

Elide couldn’t find it in her to speak, not after being left behind again. 

Her chest and body felt heavy with sadness and exhaustion. 

She just wanted to cry herself to sleep and forget. 

Elide removed Lorcan’s hands that cradled her face so she can lean back against the pillows and close her eyes. 

It wasn't long until sleep claimed her once more.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zzzzz working during a pandemic sucks

Yrene and Lorcan watched Elide in silence as she leaned back on the bed and shut her eyes, refusing to talk to them.

They sat on the bed idly, waiting for her to say anything or at least look at them. But in no time, the tension slowly left her body then she was already asleep. Her cheeks had streaks of where her tears have almost dried. 

Lorcan sighed in defeat then draped a blanket over Elide’s upper body so she would be warm. When her breathing settled to a steady rhythm, he leaned in to kiss her forehead then gently wiped away the tears on her cheeks.

“She’s probably just exhausted” Yrene offered with a sad smile “Let her sleep. She can tell us what happened tomorrow.”

Lorcan nodded, his gaze never leaving Elide’s face. Her nose, cheeks, and the corners of her eyes were still pink.

“Does she cry like that often?” the healer asked him softly “when she’s hurt or when she gets nightmares?”

He shook his head. Elide never cried like how she just did. She only cries out of frustration and anger, hardly because of hurt or sadness. Lorcan has never felt such raw pain from her. Her racking sobs echoed in his mind and sent a chill down to his bones. It unsettled him, not knowing what caused her to do so.

Was she actually conscious the entire time? 

Could she possibly have felt Yrene opening her foot then breaking apart her bones? 

Was she angry at them for allowing her to be put in pain?

What if she decides she can’t endure it and wouldn’t want to push through with the healing anymore?

As a thousand questions and uncertainties went through his mind, Lorcan flinched in surprise when Yrene gently touched his shoulder—a simple gesture to comfort him. 

Yrene could only imagine how frustrated at a loss Lorcan must have felt. It must have been driving him mad not knowing what happened to Elide and not knowing how to help. She knew it was instinctive for him to protect her, so seeing her thrashing and crying out loud earlier must have tugged on some feral part of him. 

Despite the painful process that the Lady had to endure, Elide was lucky that she had someone who was there to be with her and support her. It was clear to Yrene how deeply Lorcan loves and cares for her. There was no doubt about it from the way he looks at her, acts around her, and how he shows concern and worry for her. Yrene was sure that there wasn’t anything that the fae wouldn’t do for his wife if it meant making her happy. And as the healer looked studied how helpless and clueless the centuries old fae looked, she knew it was very difficult for him to watch the woman he loves suffer. 

“You should rest. No good would come out of thinking too much.” Yrene said, removing her touch from his shoulder. Instead, she asked him to move back so she can lean in to carefully wrap Elide’s leg in a white bind “Elide wouldn’t want you to worry.”

His face remained hard and unreadable when he looked away from his sleeping wife to watch as Yrene wrapped Elide’s leg “Do I need to take note of anything else? Aside from keeping her foot elevated?”

“This bandage is supposed to help reduce the swelling. She is to keep this on.”

“When she wakes up, have her drink the tea. I already added herbs that also reduces inflammation” she said when she finished with the wrap. Yrene then carefully removed her things from the bed and placed it back into her satchel. “If she says she needs the entire day tomorrow to rest, it’s fine. She can sleep the whole day or do anything for leisure, as long as she remains on the bed. I can continue when she is ready.”

“What do I do if she needs to use the bathroom?”

“Her foot and bandage can’t get wet yet. In the meantime, no baths. She may use a wet cloth to wash up. If she needs to relieve herself, you may carry her to the bathroom but again, no using of the leg.” 

“Okay.” 

Yrene slung the satchel around her shoulder then stood up so she could leave. “I can check in with Elide in the morning, just to see how she is doing. She can tell us tomorrow what happened…and if she still wants to push through with the session.”

Lorcan gave a nod then faced Elide again. He studied her face, how sad she looked even in her sleep. His heart ached, wanting to replace her sadness with peace or happiness.

“Elide is so strong” Yrene said softly, breaking Lorcan's train of thought “But we forgot sometimes that everyone has their own vulnerabilities. Don’t blame yourself for whatever pain she might be going through now. All you can do is to be here for her.”

Before Lorcan could respond, Yrene closed the door behind her. 

= = = = = = = = = =

It was around the early hours of dawn when Elide woke up. At the end of their room stood a grand clock that made a faint ticking sound in tune to the seconds passing. Elide used the beats produced by the mechanical ticking to steady her breathing. She used the first three ticks to take a deep breath then took five beats to exhale. When she her breathing was steady, she stared up at the ceiling, suddenly feeling wide awake. 

After the incident hours earlier, she just wanted to fall into a deep numbing sleep so she could avoid thinking and having to explain anything to Lorcan. Her mind, however, didn’t want to cooperate with her. The depth of her thoughts and unpleasant emotions pulled her out of her sleep and made her unable to have hours of peace within herself.

She knew Lorcan would want her to talk about what happened. She knew he would have done everything he could to process whatever it was she was feeling.

But her emotions were still so strong and she still felt too vulnerable to comfortably share anything yet. It was a practice of theirs to be open with each other’s thoughts and feelings, but Elide hasn’t talked to him about her parents. Not in any deep or meaningful way at least. He never pushed her about it too.

The most she has shared with him about her mom and dad was that they showed her that love makes you happy. She has told Lorcan that they were good parents and good at loving others as well. She rarely vocalized how much she missed them because it seemed futile. Nothing would come out of missing people who have been gone for more than a decade. Heartache and pain were things she has felt her entire childhood and she was tired of it. Elide decided to move on from those feelings a few years ago.

Elide hasn’t dreamt of her parents in the longest time. She often dreamt of them when she was a child but those dreams slowly faded away the older she got, as more years have gone since they passed. 

At first she felt guilty, feeling like she’s betraying them by not always missing them. But she knew her parents wouldn’t want her to be stuck wallowing in sadness. And given her circumstances then, she had to worry about survival first which didn't really allow her to properly grieve. She didn't know how her younger self did it- how she managed losing her parents in a span of a few days and having to live her life locked up with a monster. 

Tears started to form in her eyes once again. But instead of trying to stop the tears, she allowed them to flow. She was grateful for the darkness of the room because she didn’t have to wipe then away or hide them from her husband.

As she cried softly, she felt Lorcan’s hand reach for her own. His thumb grazed the back of hers then squeezed her hand in the darkness. She squeezed his hand in return.

Elide wanted to scoot over to lay her head on his chest, but she remembered that she couldn’t move her leg and that it had to remain propped on the pillows. Her emotions were so strong and she was too deep in thought that she didn't even pay attention to how sore her entire leg was. 

By some miracle, it was as if Lorcan read her mind because Elide felt the bed dip, then saw him scoot over to her side then sat up against the bed. This allowed Elide to lean her head on his chest and it made it easy for Lorcan to hold her as she continued to cry softly. 

He rubbed his hands against her arm in soothing strokes, letting her body release another wave of pent up emotions. After a few minutes, the tears have stopped and Lorcan gently wiped them away from her face. 

“I’m sorry I woke you” she whispered against his chest.

“Don’t apologize, I couldn’t sleep anyway” he said, his voice deep “What’s on your mind?”

She sighed “Too much.”

“Is this because of what happened earlier?”

Elide nodded.

A beat passed before Lorcan said anything “Were you calling out to me? When you said _don’t leave me_?”

“No”

He nodded in the dark, a part of him relieved that she didn’t have nightmares about him leaving her. At least she felt secure enough with him. But that small relief was quickly forgotten when an uneasy thought settled into him. _Then who could she have been calling out to?_

Her nightmare usually had to do with ilken and Vernon, and he was sure as shit that she wasn’t calling out to her garbage uncle. 

“What happened earlier?” he asked, a hint of his edge in his tone.

Elide looked up at him and was able to make out the frown on his features even in the darkness. She gave a sad smile as he looked down at her, trying to read her eyes.

“You’re frowning” she said softly, studying his face which was inches away.

“I didn’t mean to” He said, which made his brows furrow deeper “You were shaking and crying so hard, Elide…You scared us.”

She let out a shaky breath “Did I...say anything?”

“All you said was ‘don’t leave me’ then the rest were cries.”

Elide sighed in relief, grateful that she didn’t say anything else, that she didn’t mention her parents. 

"Does anything hurt now?" 

Her chest did. She felt like it was gaping open. Her throat suddenly felt tight again. 

“What can I do?” he asked, carefully trying to coax any of her thoughts from her.

She shook her head. Nothing.

“What do you need?”

 _Her parents._ But they’ve been gone for years now.  
So she remained silent, since it’s not like anyone can bring them back.

“Okay” he said eventually when the silence stretched. He pressed his lips to her temple instead “Try to get some sleep, love.”

Elide closed her eyes and sighed in relief. 

She felt guilty for not opening up to Lorcan. She knew how concerned he probably was and that he just wanted to understand and help. But the last thing Elide wanted was to relive that painful dream and release another dam of tears. It felt useless to cry over things that couldn’t be changed anyway. She was already frustrated with herself for doing so.

So she settled with silence for now, praying to the stars that Lorcan would understand.

= = = = = = = = = = = 

Since her session with Elide got cut short, Yrene was able to make it back to their room two hours before midnight. Thankfully, Chaol and Josefina were fast asleep when she reached their room so it meant that she would have a good night of uninterrupted rest. The moment Yrene’s body lay on the mattress of their bed, she fell asleep.

In the morning, the Westfalls were asked to join Dorian for breakfast.

Yrene already had Josefina bundled up in her arms, Chaol beside her, when the three of them strolled into the dining room.

Instead of Dorian being seated at his usual spot at the head of the table, it was Manon lounging on the big chair, her feet propped on the table. Dorian, bright eyed, was seated at her right.

“Good morning?” Chaol greeted, his eyebrows raised at their seating arrangement but he didn’t saying anything as they took a seat opposite Dorian. Yrene put Josefina down on the high chair beside theirs.

“Good morning Chaol, Yrene, and to the adorable Josefina” The King greeted back with a smile “Thank you for joining us for breakfast”

“The pleasure is ours. We love it when you spoil us with food.” 

Dorian smiled around the rim of his goblet as he took a sip of his drink, then regarded Yrene. 

“How did your session last night go?” He asked her.

Yrene held up her hand “I need some food in my system before I talk about that.”

He blinked “That bad?”

“She hasn’t even told me anything yet” Chaol started, his hands reaching for a piece of bread “She got to bed last night exhausted then woke up evading my questions about how Lady Elide is doing.”

“I just want food first, okay?”

“You better eat up then” Dorian said then gestured towards the dishes splayed in front of them “You too, Chaol. We have a busy day.”

“Oh?”

“You will be helping Manon and I with the rukhs. As you know, I’ve been planning to train them for our aerial legion.”

Chaol raised his brow “Why am I needed for this task?”

“It’s because you and I will be riding rukhins today” Manon answered, excitement gleaming in her eyes “Riding and getting my wyvern to follow my every command is something I can teach you and something you can teach the rest of your men.”

“The rukhins are still untrained” Chaol said, his brows already furrowed with worry “They might very well bite our heads off the moment we get close to them.”

Manon rolled her eyes “That’s why we’re going to train them. We have to earn their trust and respect.”

Chaol eyed her warily “Rukhins are different from wyverns though.” 

“They’re the same when it comes to the fact that it can be tamed by its master.” 

“I was hoping that perhaps Lorcan could also help train the soldiers” Dorian said thoughtfully before he took a bite of the pastry from his plate. “I’ve wanted to see his abilities and skills in combat. I’m sure our men could learn a great deal from him.”

Yrene looked up from her food “That’s a great idea actually. I think Lorcan needs a good distraction. I’m going to ask him to leave me and Elide alone if I am to continue working on her leg.”

“What did he do?” Manon asked with a lethal calm.

“He didn’t hurt me or Elide” she said quickly, noticing the look on Manon’s face “It’s just… seeing Elide in pain is difficult for him. Last night was very bad.”

“What happened?” Chaol asked softly.

Yrene sighed “I was successful in breaking apart some of Elide's bones and I was able to regrow a few correctly. But when I was halfway through, Elide started crying.” 

“Was she awake the entire time?” Dorian asked, his eyes wide.

Yrene shook her head “She wasn’t, I gave her a sedative. We didn’t think so at least. At first, I continued working since I was almost done but Lorcan was panicking and commanding me to stop.”

“You didn’t stop the moment Elide started crying?” Manon demanded.

“She didn’t give any other indication that she was conscious. It’s normal for tears to appear even when one is in deep sleep. It’s a natural reaction for our bodies to make.” Yrene said defensively, her face sad as she remembered how utterly anguished Elide looked “But then Elide started shaking and sobbing harder. Lorcan was already getting worked up by the second, even I started to panic. That’s when I stopped and finished up with my work.”

“She was bawling hard and gasping for air so I had to wake her up. Lorcan and I had to shake her awake and call out to her. When she opened her eyes, she said something like _Don’t leave me_ then continued sobbing.”

“Perhaps she meant Lorcan?” Chaol offered, his face grave.

Yrene shook her head “It didn’t seem like it. She didn’t look relieved to see him when he tried to comfort her.”

“Maybe she’s calling out to a lover we don’t know about.”

They all faced Manon, incredulous.

“What?” the witch said defensively “I wouldn’t be surprised if she had one.”

Dorian shook his head “Did Elide say anything else when she woke up?”

“She didn’t, she just tried to stop herself from crying when she saw me and Lorcan. We asked why she was crying, if she was in pain, or if she needed anything but she refused to talk to us. She didn’t even look at us. After a while, she just leaned back, closed her eyes then went to sleep.”

Chaol reached to hold Yrene’s hand then gave hers a soft squeeze  
.  
“Poor Elide” Dorian murmured sadly “I can’t imagine how Lorcan might be feeling too.”

“I’m sure you could already imagine how he is taking it. He’s very fussy when it comes to her…so it’s difficult for him to see her like that and not being able to do anything. He looked so helpless last night. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone feral on me.”

Silence filled the room as they all looked at Yrene, absorbing everything she just shared.

The silence stretched and they ate the rest of their meal in solemn silence. 

To lighten the mood, Yrene reassured them that she will be checking in with Elide after breakfast and that she would try to get her to talk. Dorian and Chaol just nodded and promised to visit the lady later in the afternoon.

Thankfully, Josefina’s babbling and cooing broke the tension and they allowed themselves to get distracted by the child. 

Manon, however, was the only one unaffected by the charms of the babbling baby.

Despite Manon’s earlier remark to ease the tension, she knew that Elide would never take a lover outside of her marriage and that the little witchling wasn't calling out to anyone they knew or expected. 

As the rest of the room delighted in the faces and sounds Josefina made, Manon took the time to analyze the details Yrene shared, and tried to think of possible reasons or explanations as to why Elide might have cried the way she did.

If Elide was actually conscious the entire time she was being worked on by the healer, then she should have reacted the moment Yrene cut open her foot or broke down her bones. She would have flinched in pain at the very least, then would have started crying. She would have asked Yrene to stop.

But based on what the healer has shared, she has been working on her foot and bones for a while. It was only when Yrene was almost done that Elide started crying.

Manon then knew that the reason behind whatever pain she felt wasn’t physical but emotional— unresolved feelings and thoughts that might have plagued her mind. 

Perhaps the Lady had a bad dream. After everything she has been through, Manon was sure that nightmares were a reoccurring thing for Elide. She could have possibly dreamt of her Uncle or of the horrors she has seen in Morath. Or perhaps she relived the moment where Maeve held her hostage and she had to watch as Lorcan had no choice but to follow Maeve’s orders. Only dreams that bad could elicit that sort of reaction that Yrene described.

Suddenly, Manon remembered the nights when she herself would wake up crying and gasping for breath when she dreamt of her thirteen. Those nights where she was filled with grief and sorrow for them were nights where she felt the emptiest. 

Grief and sorrow were emotions new to her and she hated how overwhelming it felt. It ate her up inside when she let herself feel it. Perhaps Elide was also experiencing the same emotions as her. Her thirteen were the closest thing to family that Manon had, and Elide also lost hers but at a young age. Perhaps they could enlighten each other about these unpleasant emotions. 

Manon stood up from the table.

Dorian, Chaol and Yrene looked at her with their brows raised.

“Where are you going?” Dorian asked, his hand reaching out for her.

“I’m going to see how the little witchling is doing.” She said then walked over to Dorian, who already had a frown on his handsome face. She leaned in to whisper in his ear “Don’t pout, princeling. I’ll make it up to you later.”

He blinked then a smirk already tugged on his lips “Make sure you’ll be with us in the field to help with the rukhs.”

“I’ll be there” she crooned against his ear, then allowed herself to bite his ear lobe. 

Before Dorian and the Westfalls could say anything else, she sauntered off and left the dining room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain cells have left the room pls return if you do find it


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why it's getting harder and harder for me to finish a chapter *deep sigh*

Manon suddenly realized that maybe it was not a good idea to visit their room so early. 

After last night’s incident, Elide and Lorcan might still be asleep.

Or they might still be eating their breakfast.

Worse, they might be preoccupied doing … something else. And the last thing Manon wanted was to stand in a room where she interrupted them doing _that._

But as she stood idly on the door, she heard heavy steps on the other side, as if someone were pacing. She leaned in to listen if there was any other noise, to hear if either of them were talking, but there was only silence.

Before Manon could hesitate, Lorcan opened the door.

“What?” he glowered “Now isn’t a good time.”

Manon raised her brow “Good morning to you too.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I wanted to check on Elide. I heard what happened last night.”

Lorcan’s eyes softened marginally at the mention of his wife but he remained standing straight, blocking the door as he contemplated letting the witch in. 

Manon looked behind his shoulders “Is she still asleep?”

He shook his head “She just woke up but she won’t talk to me.”

“Perhaps she’d care to talk to me.”

Lorcan glared “If she doesn’t want to talk to her own husband, what makes you think she’d want to talk to you? Or anyone else for that matter?”

“Don’t be so full of yourself. Just because you’re married to her doesn’t mean she is always going to prefer your brooding face over the company of others” she said, rolling her eyes “She needs other people in her life, _Lord Lorcan Lochan_. Just let me try to talk to her.”

“Who is it?” Elide called out softly at the other end of the room, breaking their exchange. 

Lorcan glared at the witch for a beat then eventually sighed and removed himself from the door, allowing Manon inside. 

“It’s me” Manon greeted as she entered the room then plopped down on the edge of their bed. Elide looked at her in surprise as Manon sat comfortably on the sheets “How are you?”

Elide blinked, her gaze went from Manon to Lorcan “Did you ask her to be here?”

“I’m here out of my own free will, Lady” Manon answered “Lorcan could never make me do anything”

Elide just stared at her then leaned back against the headboard.

“You didn’t answer my question earlier. I asked how you were doing.” Manon said, noting stubborn set of her chin.

“I’m fine.”

“That’s good to hear” Manon said then traced her finger against Elide's bandaged leg then poked her calf “So it doesn’t hurt if I press on it like this?”

Elide tried to hide her wince and Lorcan growled in warning “I allowed you in here to check on Elide, not to put her in pain.”

“She said she was feeling fine so I just wanted to see if she meant what she said.”

Elide frowned “Just because I said I’m fine doesn’t mean my injury suddenly healed.”

“Then you could have said _‘I’m fine, but my foot’s still a bitch’_ or _‘I’m still in pain and Lorcan is getting on my nerves’_ ” 

Lorcan stepped into Manon’s view then stared down at her “ _Get out._ ”

Manon raised a brow at him then turned to Elide “Do you want me to go?”

“I said get the rutting hell out of our room.” Lorcan snarled, his voice lethal.

“It’s fine. She can stay” Elide said, her voice more commanding “As long as you don’t play games with me for your amusement, Manon. I’m not in the mood.”

Manon gave a smug smile to Lorcan, feeling triumphant that she won this round. 

Lorcan’s nostrils flared in seething anger, but he moved away and sat at the chair opposite of the bed.

“Tell me the real reason why you’re here” Elide told her.

Manon sighed as she leaned against the poster of the bed “I’ve been craving for different company. Dorian and Chaol are starting to bore me.”

“Even Dorian?”

“Especially Dorian.” 

Elide looked at her in disbelief “But aren’t you…?”

“It’s tiring how he always wants to talk about me and how I’m doing. It’s like he’s always walking on eggshells when we’re alone, it’s exhausting. You’d think being King would have made him more selfish and heartless, but he’s still the same.” 

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Elide asked, brows furrowed in confusion “Asking about how you’re feeling and wanting to talk about it means that he cares about you. You should talk to him.”

“Hmm I’ll see” Manon made a face as she studied her nails “But since you’ve already brought it up, how come you aren’t doing the same?”

“Doing what?”

“Talking about how you’re really feeling.”

Elide narrowed her eyes at her then pursed her lips. 

“You said so yourself” Manon started “When someone asks how you’re doing, it means they care. Lorcan and Yrene were asking you last night. I’m here asking you right now.”

Elide sat up straighter, holding her chin high “I told you I’m fine.”

“Lorcan and Yrene tells me otherwise.”

“So you’re going to take their word over mine?” she said in frustration “and since when are you and Lorcan buddies? Suddenly you’re ganging up on me.”

This time, it was Lorcan who replied “You were sobbing so hard last night, Elide. I’ve never seen you cry like that. You hardly got sleep too since you were crying in the early hours of dawn. So I’m sorry if I don’t want to believe that everything is fine. You’re clearly upset about something and it’s damned frustrating that you won’t tell us why!”

Manon blinked in surprise but watched Elide’s face as it changed from surprise to annoyance. The Lady took a deep steadying breath as her hand clutched the blanket pooled in her lap.

“I’m just trying to understand, Elide” Lorcan explained, a hint of desperation present in his voice “I’m trying so hard not to force you to speak because I know that you don’t want to. But I can’t watch you get consumed by whatever it is that is bothering you either.”

“What do you want me to say?” Elide ground out.

Lorcan brushed his hand through his hair in frustration then stood up from where he was seated “I’m not the enemy here, love. I just want to know what happened so we can help.”

“I already told you, there’s nothing you can do to help!” she shouted.

“How would you know? You aren’t giving me the chance to do so!” he shouted back.

Manon’s gaze went back and forth between the two of them, suddenly feeling uncomfortable to be in the middle. She was witnessing a heated discussion that should be just between the two of them. 

But the Lochans didn’t seem to mind one bit, it was as if they forgot that she was in the same room. 

Elide seemed unfazed by Lorcan raising his voice, because she stared him down “Do you really want to know what happened?” 

“Yes! That’s all I’ve been asking, Elide.”

She glared at him then took a deep breath “I dreamt of my parents! I dreamt that they were alive and that they were at home with us, and that my family was finally complete.” She said, her voice wavering. 

Lorcan and Manon stilled at the admission.

“They were home in Perranth. They were proud of me and said that they love me so much. They even liked you too, Lorcan. It all felt so real, I felt their love for me and I’ve never felt so happy.” she said with as much force despite the tightness in her throat and the tears starting to fall on her face “But when I asked them to stay over for dinner, they told me they couldn't stay and that they were only dropping by. They had to leave me again and I had to beg like a child for them to not to go but they left anyways. Then I had to wake up to the reminder that they’ve been gone my entire life and that I have to endure whatever kind of hell that my damned foot is in just because they left me with a monster.”

“So I’m sorry, if I didn’t want to share it to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t want to admit how angry and heartbroken I am with the circumstance they left me in, because I’ve never acknowledged that feeling my entire life! What kind of person does that make me? I’ve been carrying this weight, this suppressed anger towards my own parents for leaving me all those years ago! I know they had no choice and I know that they did it for me, but it doesn’t make this easier to handle. I know it is useless to cry over things that we cannot change, and I hate that it bothers me so much!”

“But since you’ve been dying to know all of this perhaps to comfort me, I am telling you now that this” she gestured between the two of them “doesn’t make me feel any better. Whether or not I shared it to you wouldn’t have made a difference! It hurts and I am not okay and I just want a day where I can choose to not be the bigger person because for once, I do not want to suck it up!”

Elide was already panting at the end of her rant, not bothering to wipe away the tears from her face. 

Lorcan crossed the room then kneeled in front of her, his hand reaching to hold hers but she moved her hand away from him.

“Don’t” she said weakly, inching away from him and his touch “This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone. I can’t stand it when you all look at me like that. I don’t want your pity.”

“I’m not pitying you” he said, hurt “I want to hold you, to make you feel-“

“ _Better?_ ” she cut him off then finally wiped the tears from her eyes “Didn’t you hear what I said? There’s nothing anyone can do to make me feel better. They’re gone! My family is gone!”

“Damn it, Elide” Lorcan wasn’t able to hold himself back when he barked at her “Then what do you want?” 

“Don’t yell at her” Manon said in warning, her stance getting ready to lunge at Lorcan if he made a wrong move. 

“ _I want my family!_ ” Elide cried, her voice cracking. Her vision started to blur once more from the onslaught of tears “I just want my family with me!”

The room went completely silent, save for the small sobs escaping Elide’s mouth. 

She wished she wasn’t bedridden, because she wanted to leave when the room suddenly felt like it was closing in on her. 

She wanted to breathe in some fresh air. 

She wanted to be anywhere but there. 

Elide was too engrossed in her thoughts that she wasn’t even able to see how Lorcan stood up on shaky legs, how his usually hard face was now contorted in pain. 

She didn’t even notice the tears that brimmed in his eyes. 

Lorcan studied her for a moment, watched as another set of tears ran down her face. He observed the stiffness in her body and how she refused to look at him.

“Am I not your family, Elide?” he asked softly, his voice the most vulnerable it has ever been. “I consider you as my family. I thought I was yours too.” 

_What?_ Elide’s brows furrowed in confusion.

When she turned to face him, Lorcan was already halfway across the room—moving towards the door. 

Regret instantly washed over her as Lorcan’s words settled into her. Elide finally understood the implications of what she just said—what it meant to him.

Elide knew how much the idea of being bastard born hurt Lorcan. His own mother disowned him as a child, he never got to even know his parents. He never knew what it felt like to be loved and accepted into a family for centuries.

That was until her. Her husband has told her numerous times how happy he was for finding a home in her. That he fell in love with her because she offered a place for him, a home with her, despite him being a dishonoured male at that time. 

Being the loving and protective partner that he is, of course Lorcan just wanted to help her. Instead of being grateful, she pushed him away and she spat in his face by implying that she didn't have a family— that he wasn't enough to be considered her family.

Insensitive. That’s what she was. She was being an insensitive child. 

“Lorcan” Elide gasped out softly, silently pleading for him “I’m sorry… that’s not what I meant.”

He was already in front of the door, reaching for the door knob, when he paused for a second— waiting for her to continue. 

It suddenly felt too familiar for Elide. It was exactly the same as her dream. She was begging for someone she loved to stay. Except this time it was Lorcan instead of her parents walking away. 

This felt so much worse though because it was real. It wasn’t a dream.

And she was the reason why he was leaving. 

When she couldn't find it in her to say anything else, Lorcan looked over his shoulder “I’m sorry I’m not enough.”

Then he left the room.

= = = = = = = = 

Manon remained where she was, completely frozen. 

She never expected for her conversation with Elide to escalate to whatever just happened. She just wanted to rile the Lady hopefully to get her talking. Instead, she just witnessed a marital fight. 

Manon would have honestly been amused to see them bicker on a normal occasion, but the reason for their fight now was far from entertaining. This one was painful to witness. Manon wasn’t exactly sure why. 

“Wow” was all she said, at a loss for words. She was honestly surprised by how hurt Lorcan was by what Elide said. What’s worse is that Elide didn’t even mean for him to get hurt when she admitted what she said. 

Elide pushed the blankets off from her body then sat up. As she swung her left leg off the bed, Manon stood up then held her legs down “Where do you think you’re going?”

She sniffled then wiped the tears from her face. She used her good leg to kick around “I’m going after him.”

“Witchling, I do not need to be a healer to know that you can’t walk around yet.”

“Let me go.”

“I had a feeling that you dreamt of your parents, you know. That's why I wanted to check on you.” Manon said, hoping that distracting her would work.  


Elide stopped struggling then looked at her “How?”  


“When I listened to how Yrene described your crying, it reminded me of the times when I dreamt of my thirteen” she said with a sad smile “It was the same with how Yrene described you. I'd wake up from my sleep sobbing and shaking.”  


Elide studied Manon, tried to read whatever emotion went through her features but she remained calm and held her gaze.  


“We’ve both lost our family, we’re similar in that regard” Manon continued “and also in the way that we both don’t want the people we care about to know just how painful it is for us. I thought you might have wanted to talk to someone who understood.”  


The Lady took a deep breath then leaned back against the pillows “I hurt Lorcan.”  


“You did.”  


Elide's lips quivered but attempted for humor “You’re not going to make a joke about how amusing it was to see him hurt?”  


Manon settled again on the foot of the bed, leaning against the poster “I poke fun at him because I see how much he loves you. I would delight in seeing you filet him _if_ he did something to deserve it. But I ask you now, Elide, do you think he deserved all that?”  


“Why are you giving me a hard time about this? You just admitted that we’re the same. You’re doing the exact same thing to Dorian.” She frowned, defensive.  


“Am I? I’m not married to Dorian. We have no commitments to each other, we don’t owe each other anything. You, however, are married to Lorcan. There’s a difference.” She said matter of factly “ _For better or for worse,_ if I recall the human wedding vows correctly.”  


Elide knew, of course. She just didn’t want to admit out loud that she hurt him and that she was in the wrong. She and Lorcan rarely fought, their disagreements were often small and were easy to just laugh over afterwards.  


This time, however, she knew she struck deep— even if it was unintentional. This was exactly why she didn’t want to say anything. She knew that admitting those things out loud would just hurt her further, but she never expected it to hurt others too, especially Lorcan.  


There was a knock on the door that brought Elide out of her thoughts. Her heart picked up for a second as she thought that it would be Lorcan walking through the door, but it was just Yrene.  


“Good morning” the healer greeted with a tentative smile.  


When Yrene saw Elide’s red and puffy eyes, it confirmed her suspicions that Lord and Lady Lochan indeed got into a fight.  


Before Yrene reached their room, she was able to pass by Lorcan who was storming out of the hallway. When Lorcan saw her, he stopped in his tracks and told her to update him with whatever happens in their session for the day and to call for him if Elide needed him. Lorcan didn’t even wait for Yrene’s reply when he stormed off.  


Yrene walked over to the bed then set down her things. She eyed Manon, silently asking her if Elide was okay. The witch shook her head slightly.  


“Do you want to start with the good news or bad news?” Yrene asked as she sat on Elide’s side, opting to skip the small talk and pleasantries.  


“Good news please.”  


Yrene smiled “The good news is that it took me a shorter amount of time to work on your foot. Last night I was able to regrow a good number of your bones. If I continued working on it, I could be finished with your foot in a day or two. Then I could move on to working on your ankle in the coming days.”  


Elide’s eyes widened, despite how sore it was from crying “Really? I thought you said it would take days— even a week for just my foot.”  


“I know. I guess I either overestimated how bad your injury was or I underestimated my own skills”  


She forced a small smile “Thank you, Yrene.”  


“What’s the bad news?” Manon asked, her arms crossed over her chest.  


Yrene gave a sad smile “The bad news is since our session last night was cut short, I had to quickly work over the last bone I was regrowing then I had to sew your foot closed fast. I have to check on it as soon as possible to see if there are no complications.”  


Elide nodded then leaned back against the bed “Okay. I’m ready.”  


Yrene nodded, surprised that Elide wasn't hesitant or didn't seem worried to have it done so soon. But Yrene didn’t say anything as she reached over to carefully unwrap the white bandage from Elide's leg “Have you drank your tea?”  


“Yes”  


“Have you eaten breakfast?”  


This time, Elide shook her head. “I wasn’t hungry.”  


Yrene decided against lecturing her—remembering that she and Lorcan just had a fight. Perhaps that was one of the reasons why.  


“Does your foot and leg feel sore?” she asked instead  


“Yes… but it’s not too bad”  


“Okay, that’s normal because of the incisions I made last night.” Yrene said then decided that it was time for her to ask “Before I continue today, I need to know what happened last night…Were you conscious the entire time I worked on you?”  


Elide shook her head, confused “I wasn’t. Why?”  


“It’s just… you were crying and your body was shaking. I was afraid that maybe it was from the pain because you were awake the whole time. I prepared a heavier dosage of the sleeping tonic just in case.”  


“I wasn’t awake. I actually wanted to suggest that I be conscious for today’s session”  


Yrene paused then looked at her, wide-eyed. “What?”  


“I don’t want to drink the tonic” she explained softly “I want to be awake for the procedure.”  


“Elide, I’m going to be opening up your foot and I’m going to break apart your bones. That is going to be excruciatingly painful… I don’t think it’s the best idea for you to be awake while that happens.”  


She shook her head “I don’t care. I don’t want to fall asleep.”  


Yrene looked between her and Manon “Perhaps you can discuss this with Lorcan first?”  


“It’s my decision to make and I’ve decided that it is what I want.”  


She sighed, knowing well there wasn’t any point in arguing since her mind seemed to be made up “Okay then.”  


Manon stood up from the bed “I’ll leave you to it. Chaol and Dorian are waiting for me. I’ll get Lorcan.”  


Elide immediately reached for Manon “Stay, please.”  


The Crochan Queen looked between her and Yrene, uncertainty written on her features.  


“Please” Elide pleaded, her eyes wide.  


Manon sighed then sat back down and tried to give her a reassuring smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes this is a reminder that men have feelings too. Even brooding demi-faes like Lorcan 🥺 
> 
> (Random ramblings again) 
> 
> At first, I was hesitant to post this chapter because I thought Elide was a bit OOC here but then I remembered that she was kinda savage when she was angry at Lorcan at the start-middle of KoA. Plus, dealing w grief and trauma is really a heavy burden to bear and it makes us do and say things we wouldn’t normally do. So hopefully what happened here and in the past chapters are believable. 
> 
> Honestly, my mind’s still a mess and I’ve been having difficulty trying to condense my thoughts and ideas for this fic. Pls donate juice for my brain.
> 
> ((also I’m so so so tempted to make Elide pregnant because I’m soft for pregnancy fics but I have to remind myself often that this is a healing fic so no children until THEYRE MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY READY!!!)) 
> 
> ((But CAN U IMAGINE HOW CUTE ELORCAN WILL BE AS PARENTS MY GOD??? Not a day goes by where I don’t indulge myself in the idea of a pregnant Elide and a mother henning Lorcan lol))
> 
> Let me know your thoughts so far! I hope you are all doing well! 🥰


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is thank you universe for not making work crazy this week :)

The moment Lorcan stepped out of the room, he instantly regretted it. Elide's pleads still rang in his ears as he stomped away and went down the hall. It was instinctive for him to always make her safe and happy, but he was doing the opposite by walking away. He tried to convince himself though that it was better if he left. He didn't want to stay in the same room while his emotions were so strong for fear that he might say something he will later on regret. 

Lorcan knew he was probably overreacting but Hellas damn everything, he was allowed to feel hurt and be frustrated too. 

Elide was the only one who made him feel the entire spectrum of human emotion so strongly. 

In his past life, he has only been driven by anger, bloodlust, or lust. Perhaps he’d feel small kernels of worry and concern for Rowan, Gavriel, and even rutting Fenrys but that was mostly because of the fact that they’ve spent centuries of their sad life together. He didn’t admit it to himself then but the idea of them gone would have bothered him more than he would have liked to admit then.

He used to be so out of touch with his own thoughts and feelings that he actually believed to be in love with Maeve. As if he knew what love actually felt like then. He mistook his blind loyalty to her as adoration, when in fact it was just him clinging to a person who manipulated him into thinking he belonged to any semblance of family. Whenever Lorcan remembered how he thought that what he felt for that Valg Queen was love, he wanted to retch and dig himself a hole where he can hide for eternity. 

All of that changed though the moment he met Elide. Ever since he bumped into that raven haired girl who captured his ancient and wicked heart in Oakwald, Lorcan was unnerved by how much emotions she made him feel in just a short span of days that they've been travelling together. 

At first, she annoyed him. She demanded him to follow all sorts of requests, as if she didn’t care that he was a powerful demi-fae who could easily use his power to kill her. She had that air of naivety that made her expect everyone to follow the same moral compass of hers. He’s never felt that feeling of being irritated—it was like a weaker form of anger, but it wasn’t strong enough for him to send someone to death.

After getting past the irritation, he recalled how he found himself curious to know more about her. She was a simple human girl to him, nothing out of the ordinary. And yet, she knew how to read people well enough to manipulate them if needed. She even fooled _him_ that she was a weak little girl. Little did he know then that _Marion_ actually possessed one of the third wyrdkeys. Lorcan didn't even consider the possibility of her being capable of keeping her own secrets. It fascinated him how someone so mundane could be so cunning.

Next was sadness. After piecing the different things she has shared about herself— about her Unlce, her being locked away in a tower, the chains, not being able to read or write…he didn’t know why her sad life bothered him so much. She wasn’t even trying to get him to pity her, she just answered his questions about her and yet the frankness in her statements knocked on his callous heart. 

Fear. That was one of the emotions that hit him the strongest. He has never known what true fear felt like until Elide threw herself on his back to protect him from Fenrys. Hearing her flesh tear and her bones break from the bite made him see red. Even when his life was on the line, every instinct in his body was to protect the girl. He didn’t want to entertain the thought of her being in pain, of him losing her. Seeing Elide being held hostage by Maeve, with a knife pointed at her throat was also one of the most frightening moments in his life. He would have begged, crawled, done _anything_ to have her released. In those moments, he knew that his greatest fear was losing her.

Out of all the feelings though, the most foreign one was love and happiness. Being with Elide made him happy. The first time that she pressed her lips against his in those damn Marshes, he didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. When they swung against the hammocks on the boat, hands touching, for once in his life, he felt content. Even when he was near dying with his insides spilling out in Anielle, the moment Lorcan saw that Elide came for him, he was so happy that he didn't fear dying then. He was willing to pass on to the afterlife with the knowledge that she braved hell just to find him. 

Even if being happy and feeling loved was the most unfamiliar emotion of them all, it was his favorite. He has never felt such warmth and light inside. And there was no vow he took more seriously than the one where he promised to spend his entire life making Elide know she was loved and making her feel the same happiness he felt when he was with her. 

All the other emotions in between, he has felt too, though it took getting used to. Elide had laughed at how he struggled to name and acknowledge a lot of what he felt, but she loved to help in that regard.

"You're not supposed to ignore whatever you're feeling" she has told him numerous times "Acknowledge what you're feeling so you can help yourself deal with it." 

So the moment he rushed out of the room and felt his chest ache and his throat tighten, he tried to think of why it all felt so unpleasant. It took him a few minutes to realize that he felt hurt and jealous—like a rutting child. Hurt and jealousy were another set of feelings he wasn’t used to dealing with. Elide never gave him reasons to feel that way in the year that they’ve been married so he didn't know how to handle it. Sure, he knew he was territorial. He would have scared off anyone who looked at his wife with want or desire, but Elide never actually entertained others' flirtatious glances and advances. So he never truly felt threatened.

Until now. 

Lorcan was just trying his best to make Elide open up to him. He wanted her to talk because she was obviously depressed about what happened the night before. He couldn’t stand seeing her that way, couldn’t handle her retreating into some dark part of her mind. After different attempts to comfort her, she remained closed off. It also didn't help that she was giving him an attitude the entire morning.

But when Manon comes in and continues being a pain in the ass, suddenly Elide starts talking?

Damn it all, how could he not get jealous? 

Manon didn’t have the same level of trust and commitment that they had, and yet it wasn't long until she got Elide to talk. It hurt because he always had to tread carefully with Elide, to always make sure she was comfortable to share any thoughts she had with him. And even now that they’ve endured and gone through a lot together, there are still times when she distances herself. He respected that, he truly did. He understood that there are times where she would prefer to keep to herself.

But how come it seemed so effortless on Manon’s part to get Elide to talk to her? The damn witch knew what words to say and how to say it without even trying. That rutting witch just opens her mouth and starts yapping and for some reason it earns the trust of his wife? Why would Elide prefer to talk to anyone else than her own husband? 

For some reason this felt worse than having men gaze at Elide with want. He’s never felt this threatened when men would flirt shamelessly with his wife. A different kind of jealous rage filled him as he thought of Manon having more emotional intimacy with his Elide than him.

Lorcan suddenly felt the strong primal urge to go back to the room to touch Elide, hold her, mark and claim her. He needed the reassurance that she was still his, wanted to feel her need and desire for him. He needed to hear those soft sounds she made only for him. He needed to know that she still loved him and that he was the only one who could have her in the most intimate way.

It didn’t make sense.

What did he do wrong? He tried to give Elide space, didn't push her even when she cried and cried. He had been so gentle with talking to her and trying to comfort her. Even if he was being eaten up inside with worry over her, he didn't force her to explain anything. But when it was too much for him to handle and he expressed how frustrated he was with her silence, suddenly _he_ was the bad guy? 

Rutting hell.

He needed Whitethorn to explain how this made sense. Feelings sucked. 

His heart broke too as he listened to Elide cry her heart out over her parents. That was definitely uncharted territory. Lorcan hated that he didn't know how to comfort someone who grieved for her family, since he never really had one to begin with. He didn’t even realize how much Elide was still hurting from the death of her parents because she didn’t really talk about them often. It never even occurred to him that she missed them badly. 

But as he thought about it, he felt stupid for even thinking that. They’re her parents. Of course she loved and missed them. Elide probably didn't tell him anything because she knew he wouldn't be able to relate at all.

_"I just want my family!"_

His heart ached for her when he heard the pure agony in that statement. The pain and longing that she still felt for them was reflected in her face and voice. He would have done anything to ease her pain but he knew then that losing a loved one wasn't a pain one can just get over. 

What took Lorcan by surprise was how hurt he was when she said that she just wanted her family. Lorcan knew that she meant her parents. But the way she said it made it seem like she believed she was alone, that she had no one. And it hurt him beyond all reason that she didn’t even acknowledge that _he_ was there for her— that he was family. After all the times he laid himself open and told her that she was his home...he wouldn't know what to feel or how to react if she didn't feel the same way.

The irrational and territorial part of him wanted him to be the centre of Elide’s life. She wouldn’t find the need to confide her secrets and share herself to others except for him. But he knew that that wasn’t love. That was possession. He would be keeping her prisoner if he asked or even wanted that of her. Not to mention, Elide would whack him on his ass and would have Aelin and Manon light him on fire then rip him to shreds if he ever told her that.

He groaned then brushed his hand through his hair again for the nth time. He blinked away the tears that formed and quickly wiped his eyes.

He found himself in the garden and saw Dorian, Chaol, and the Westfall baby in a stroller. 

“Lorcan” Dorian greeted in surprise “Is everything alright?”

He squinted against the light that shone on the garden and covered his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to make small talk, especially considering how tempestuous his mind currently was. But it would have been rude if he ignored them and walked away. Especially since Dorian graciously accommodated him and Elide. “I just need some air.”

Dorian nodded then offered a smile “How’s the Lady?”

“She’s with Yrene and Manon” he said, not wanting to explain what happened. 

“Oh” Chaol and Dorian looked between each other “Did Manon say if she planned to stay with Elide? She was supposed to meet us.”

“She didn’t mention anything. She just got Elide to talk so I think they’ll take a while…”

Dorian tried to hide his disappointment with a smile, but Lorcan saw it. He felt suddenly felt awkward having to inform him about Manon apparently not following through with an agreement. He scratched the back of his head “What was she supposed to help you with? Perhaps I could help.”

At that, Dorian beamed “She was supposed to help train the rukhins since she has experience with wyverns. But Chaol and I were actually talking about how we would be really grateful if you would be able to teach our men a few things when it comes to battle strategy.”

Lorcan nodded, relieved that there was an opportunity to take his mind elsewhere. Training for battle was something he was familiar with. He didn’t have to think twice or second guess himself, didn’t have to navigate the frustrating and unfamiliar territory of emotions. He supposed losing himself for a few hours of training could help put him in a better mood. If he blew off some steam, he would allow himself to go back to Elide. She needed someone level-headed.

“If I agree to train your men, I’d like to ask for something in return.” 

Chaol raised his brow, wary “It depends on what you’re asking.” 

When Lorcan told them his request, Dorian gave a genuine smile. 

= = = = = = = = = = 

Sweat has been beading on Elide’s forehead for a good hour.

She looked pale and frail as she trembled when Yrene continued working on her. 

Manon was worried because of how weak Elide looked in that moment. It didn’t help that if she looked down, she could see Elide's foot gaping open. She had to give Elide credit though, she didn’t give much indication that she was in pain save for how deathly still she was when she wasn’t trembling, and how hard she was biting on her lip. 

“What do you do” Manon started, trying to ignore the bones she saw jutting out of Elide’s foot “when you miss your parents?”

Elide smiled weakly and thought for a moment “I just think of them. I like to imagine my mother when she sang me to sleep before bed and when my dad would carry me around the house. I like to recall the happy moments.”

Manon’s brows furrowed “But when you think of them, doesn’t it hurt? My heart feels like it’s being crushed in my chest when I do. I can’t stand it.”

“I guess it’s always painful regardless” she replied thoughtfully, then winced. Elide took a steadying breath “But I think it’s better if we remember them for the happy times instead of focusing on regrets and what ifs. I don’t think they’d want us to just be sad.”

Manon considered the little lady’s words. 

Would Asterin approve of the fact that Manon refused to accept their death and has lived the past year in sorrow and grief? Or would Asterin have wanted for her to move on with her life, to live it as if she never lost them?

The second idea seemed preposterous.

How could she have easily moved on with her life when she has lost the witches whom she grew up with and endured a lot with for years? Even when her grandmother was alive, she never felt like family to her. Her twelve however, was her home. Elide told her the other night that love felt like home, and she knew without a doubt that that's how she felt about her twelve. She was unafraid to face any enemy, any clan, any problem as long as they were with her. 

_Live, Manon. Live._

Manon’s throat tightened as she remembered her second’s last words to her. She could hear her voice perfectly, as if Asterin was just whispering it to her now. She looked up at the ceiling to stop the tears that were starting to form on her eyes.

“Did you know that it was Aelin who was with my mom in her last moments? Before she sacrificed herself for Aelin to run, her only request was for her to tell me that she loved me very much” Elide whispered, her voice breaking “I think of that often. That even as she faced whatever was waiting for her, her last thought was of me.” 

_Live, Manon. Live._

“Witchling” Manon laughed while wiping away the traitorous tears that fell from her face “I’m starting to think you’re pouring it on thick to just to see me cry.”

Elide looked up at her in surprise, and indeed her eyes were lined with silver “I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention. But I do appreciate that we get to talk about this...and that you’re here with me. Thank you, Manon.”

“If the two of you are going to continue with your emotional heart to heart I’m going to end up getting tears on Elide’s flesh which would be unhygienic and would possibly lead to infections” Yrene said, looking up at the both of them.

Manon snorted “Don't ruin this for us, Westfall. This is a rare moment. The only time I’ve ever been vulnerable this way around anyone was with Asterin.” And Dorian too—when she tried suggesting a union between them, willing to do or say anything just so he would stay and not go to Morath during the war. But they didn’t need to know that. 

Elide gave a weak smile as she placed her hand over Manon’s “It’s okay to miss them and to be sad every once in a while. But I know that Asterin and the rest would have wanted you to be happy. They loved you.”

_Live, Manon. Live._

“Both my mom and your twelve did what they had to do for a better world. I remind myself that whenever I feel resentment towards them for leaving me.”

Manon squeezed her hand in return but didn’t say anything else.

As the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes turned to an hour, it got harder for Elide to fight with everything in her to not lose consciousness. But as she heard and felt her bones being broken apart, the waves of pain started to become more and more unbearable. 

Elide tasted blood in her mouth, only to realize a minute later that it was from her biting down hard on her lip from trying not to scream. Her body felt too weak and it was demanding sleep— the quickest escape from the torture. When the agony was too much, it started to make her delirious. 

Manon remained seated at her side and continued soothing her, trying to distract Elide who was alarmingly pale and writhing in pain.

Yrene was silent, still focused on the work in front of her. 

“Mommy” Elide whispered weakly, her eyes glazed as she looked at Manon “It hurts.”

Manon brushed away her hair from her face and spoke softly “You can go to sleep if it hurts too much, so you won’t feel the pain.”

She shook her head gently “You’ll leave if I sleep”

“I’ll still be here. Sleep, Elide.”

Her eyelids drooped “How about Lorcan?”

“He’ll be back when you wake up.”

When Elide nodded, she closed her eyes and unconsciousness finally claimed her.

When Elide’s body relaxed and as her breathing steadied, Manon started chanting the names of the twelve in her mind. 

_Asterin. Sorrel. Vesta. Faline. Fallon. Edda. Briar. Thea. Kaya. Linnea. Ghislaine. Imogen._

= = = = = = = = = = 

It was already past noon when Lorcan dismissed Dorian's guards and allowed them to take a break and have lunch. 

Dorian asked Chaol to accompany Lorcan to the library, as per their agreement, while he found himself in front of the chambers where Lady Elide was staying. He wasn’t sure exactly if Yrene was already done working on Elide’s foot, but he wanted to check in on her.

He knocked twice on the wooden doors, listening on the other side for any sound or conversation. 

Manon opened the door and her golden eyes widened at the sight of him “Princeling”

Dorian gave a smile, enjoying the sight of her surprised. He peered behind her “How is she doing?”

“Not too good” She closed the door behind her and sighed “The procedure is fine so far but she and Lorcan got into a fight then he left. I witnessed that fight, by the way. It was not pretty.”

The King’s brows shot up “That would explain why Lorcan exerted himself so much earlier. He trained my men this morning. All of them were worn out halfway through training but Lorcan was like a machine the entire time.”

“I was just supposed to drop by and check on Elide” she found herself explaining, suddenly feeling embarrassed to have not shown up to their agreed training “I really planned to help with the rukhs but after their fight earlier…Elide asked me to stay.”

Dorian nodded, understanding. “It’s okay.”

She was relieved that he understood. She was worried that her not showing up would have hurt his feelings or that he would make a big deal out of it. 

To show how grateful she was for his understanding, Manon stepped closer, until they were sharing breath. Dorian’s eyes gleamed in excitement and met her stare. Her fingers trailed his chest and played with the buttons of his tunic.

“As promised, I’ll make it up to you later.” she murmured sweetly against his lips.

Dorian let out a soft growl then pushed her back gently against the door and put his arms on each side of her, caging her. He leaned in, his lips inches from her neck then blew softly against her skin. She shuddered as goosebumps formed on her body, and Manon wasn't able to stop the soft gasp that left her lips.

“First you didn’t allow me to walk you to your room the first night. Then you leave breakfast early. Then you didn’t show up to training” he whispered, his voice deep “I’m starting to think that you're playing hard to get, witchling.”

She scoffed "Don't be so full of yourself, princeling." 

His lips pressed a soft kiss at the hollow of her throat then he leaned back to gaze at her with those blue eyes "Do you want me to beg for your time, Crochan Queen?" 

“Please do, you know how much I love listening to men beg” she crooned against his ear “But since you’re so worked up already, I can think of a few things I can do to make it up to you.”

Manon licked the shell of his ear then let her fingers trail down his chest, down to his stomach, then lower —

Dorian grabbed her wrists then pinned it behind her “We’ll save that for next time. I already know how you can make it up to me.”

She narrowed her eyes at him “What?”

“Spend the night with me.”

“I was getting to that part but you rudely interrupted me.”

“No” he laughed and shook his head “I meant spend the evening with me. Have dinner with me. Then maybe we could do something nice together... that doesn’t involve sex.”

She scrunched her nose then stared at him in disbelief “Like what exactly, Your Highness?”

He cocked his head, thoughtful “We can decide when we get there. If you have any ideas, I’m all ears.”

Manon rolled her eyes then pushed him off of her “Here I was, planning to make it up to you by making you lose all coherence from pleasuring you so good and so hard. Apparently being King has made you soft.”

“Is that a yes?” he asked, grinning.

_Live, Manon. Live._

Her heart started pounding in her chest as she studied how bright his eyes were, how handsome he looked when he smiled at her excitedly like that. She grabbed the door knob behind her.

“I'll find you once Yrene finishes with Elide.” she mumbled then shut the door on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I realized in this chapter that I made a mistake in the earlier ones when I kept referring to the twelve as "the thirteen" when in fact Manon was the thirteenth. I can't do basic math apparently. So yeah let's forget about that. lol moving on. 
> 
> (pls allow me to ramble as always but its ok if u don't want to read this) 
> 
> I hope u like the Manon and Dorian scene at the end! The past chapters were starting to get heavy and it got harder and harder for me to write and proofread them.So yeah I wanted to end this chapter on a lighter or playful note for a change.  
> Also, what are your thoughts on Manorian??? I know a lot of people don’t like them together and I understand when they say that their relationship seems forced and too sexual. But idk I can’t explain exactly why I like their dynamic and why I ship them HAHA. Manon is such a ruthless badass but is a softie for abraxos and elide. Then Dorian is just like an innocent (yet kinky) puppy but also very smart and powerful. I just love the duality and range these two have. 
> 
> And now that I think about it...out of all of SJM's ships in both ACOTAR and TOG, Manorian is the one with a different dynamic!!!! Because literally every other ship in sarah's series always start with the guy and girl hating each other wildly then they slowly come to realize that they care for each other then they lust and yearn for each other then bam theyre suddenly so in love??? THINK ABOUT IT! ALL HER RELATIONSHIPS START OFF THAT WAY! From Celeana & Chaol, to Aelin & Rowan, to Yrene & Chaol, even Elide & Lorcan. ( _SPOILERS FOR ACOTAR IF U HAVEN'T READ_ ) Then there's Feyre & Tamlin, to Feyre & Rhysand, to Nesta & Cassian etc etc. So yes Manorian gets one point for that. I'm excited to write what happens in their evening together haha!
> 
> anyways thank you so much for reading me oversharing my thoughts like a crazy person again lol. i plan to post the next chapter on sunday. hopefully my brain can do it! i will give myself an award if i successfully post three chapters in a week.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Thank you all for reading and keeping up w this fic! I’m so happy that this reached 2k+ hits and 100+ kudos ♥ The idea of this being opened two thousand times by different people puts me in awe. I’ve only started writing fics out of boredom & as an escapism this quarantine. So far it’s one of the few things that has kept me sane so it makes me super glad that a lot of you also enjoy this!!! I also love the interacting with you through the comments so thank you to all who have engaged with me, joked with me, and made me feel loved & validated. ♥ Reading and replying to your comments is something I always look forward to when I post a chapter. Yall make me soft. I hope you are all doing well!
> 
> So yay here is chapter 13, dedicated of course to none other than our Queen Manon.

The sun was already starting to set when Manon found herself walking along the hallways, trying to listen to the different voices, listening for Dorian’s. 

When Yrene finished working on Elide, she stayed for a while with the Lady in case she woke up. She didn’t want Elide to wake up to her gone, especially after Lorcan walked out on her in the morning. And she promised that she would stay with her.

Lorcan eventually arrived, half an hour after Yrene ended. Manon knew he wanted want some time alone with Elide even if she was still asleep. She saw from the longing look on his face that he regretted their fight. So Manon took the hint and left. 

Anyway, she had told the princeling that she would find him after Elide’s session. She didn’t want to let him down again after she failed to show up to help with the rukhs. 

But as Manon stalked most of the halls and rooms where Dorian would most likely be, he was nowhere in sight. She had checked his room, the library, the throne room, even the dining hall and yet he wasn’t there. 

_Where could he possibly be?_

She was inclined to ask Chaol. But he was probably with his wife who was resting after she spent the entire day using her magic to heal Elide. So she decided against it. Anyway, she didn’t want them to know that she was looking for Dorian. 

It didn’t seem to be a secret around the castle that she and Dorian have been physically intimate with each other during the war and after. She couldn’t blame anyone though because both of them weren’t the most subtle. Their trysts were often spontaneous and they often ended up releasing months’ worth of pent up frustration before they could even reach a bedroom. They often found themselves doing it in secluded parts of the castle like the library, an empty hallway, the throne room, and even a rutting broom closet. 

Manon wouldn’t be surprised if a few people have walked in on them or have heard them by accident. 

It irked her when Yrene and Chaol gave her and Dorian knowing looks. Their reactions came with the expectation that there was _more_ going on between her and The King. She didn’t like people assuming or expecting anything from her. It was enough that her infrequent visits and detachment was letting down Dorian. 

She didn’t like it when she saw Chaol, Yrene, and the rest of fucking Adarlan being let down too. As if all were just waiting for them to get together. 

Manon didn't allow herself to think of possible feelings either of them had for each other. She was a ruler as was he. To try anything more serious between them wouldn't last. Manon sure as hell wasn't going to give up her being Queen just to be with him and Dorian also took the responsibility of him being King seriously. Then there was also the issue of Dorian being human while she's immortal. It was stupid for one to give up their duty & responsibilities just for a few years between them. The idea was futile and foolish.

She was glad that despite her offer of a union between them a year ago, Dorian chose to leave for Morath anyway. Manon knew that one of the effects of war was that it heightened emotions and threw all common sense out the window. She didn't even think of the real implications of a marriage between them then. She just wanted him to stay and be safe. 

Manon shut out the thought. She had her own kingdom and her own self to worry about. 

The sky was already turning purple but Manon was still unsuccessful in locating The King. 

Where hasn’t she checked yet? Was he seriously playing with her?

Suddenly, she realized she hasn’t checked the garden where Abraxos was yet. She rolled her eyes as she realized that he was probably with her wyvern.

Manon stormed the hallways, went down the stairs then went out to the open garden.

Her steps faltered as she saw Dorian rubbing his hand against the snout of Abraxos. Her traitorous wyvern was making doe eyes at The King, tongue out and tail wagging like a dog.

“Abraxos, you soft worm” Manon barked “You’re supposed to always be on your guard, not to make pretty eyes at anyone who gives you rubs.”

Abraxos paid her no heed, enjoying the attention he was receiving from the King. Dorian smiled at Manon as she settled in front of him, rubbing the side of Abraxos’ face “It took you long enough. I decided to give your wyvern a visit, in case you decided to escape our agreement for tonight.”

“I'm no coward. I stay true to my word” she said then batted his hand away, replacing it with her own as she rubbed Abraxos’ head “Now, is this the eventful evening that you planned for us? We’re supposed to stand here petting this worm’s head?”

Abraxos narrowed his eyes at her and huffed.

“Actually, I was hoping you could take us somewhere else. Being King doesn’t give me too many opportunities to leave the castle. I’ve missed being up in the air.”

Manon blinked, surprised by his request. She figured nothing bad would come out of it, so why not? She nudged her wyvern’s head “You heard that? Your Highness wants to go for a ride. Are you up for it?”

Abraxos blinked at her then rose slowly, letting them know that he was ready. 

“Good boy” Manon said as she climbed up his back, reaching her hand out to Dorian so he could settle behind her. “Where to?”

Something sparked in Dorian’s eyes as he patted the wyvern’s side “Surprise me, Abraxos.”

= = = = = 

Dorian’s arms were clutching on to Manon’s waist as Abraxos soared the sky. 

He forgot how it felt, being up in the skies, feeling the wind blowing past him. As Abraxos dipped down playfully, the wind was so strong that he felt like he would be blown away if he loosened his grip on Manon. 

“Don’t worry” Manon shouted, the wind whooshing past their ears “You won’t fall.”

“I doubt that” he shouted back, his arms tightening more around her. It felt like his insides were mush and he was grateful that he didn’t eat anything before leaving because if he did, he would have been spewing it out now. 

He closed his eyes and let himself focus on the wind caressing his face. 

Despite how absolutely terrified he was at the feeling of the drop, it was exhilarating too. For some reason, it felt so liberating to be up in the air. It was like nothing else mattered except for the wind blowing past them, and the only thing he had to focus on was trying not to fall. All thoughts about his kingdom, his people, his own problems and worries he’s been trying to deal with left his mind. 

There was also the fact that he had his arms around Manon. 

He has longed to hold her like this, just to feel her body pressed against him in comfort. 

Despite their physical relationship, he has not been able to hold her like this outside of their coupling. She didn’t like hugs, or hand holding, or even a pat on her shoulder. She’d growl at him then distance herself whenever he had tried. It bothered him more than he’d shown but he respected that boundary she set for them—even if it killed him inside. 

He felt her body shake softly in his embrace, only to realize that she was laughing. Laughing at him. 

Dorian buried his face at the back of her neck and whispered in her ear “What’s so funny, witchling?”

“You” She turned around to look at him “You’re a powerful King. You were able to outsmart Maeve and Erawan in Morath and make it out of the war alive, and yet a little dive has gotten you clutching on to me for dear life.”

He laughed against her “Maybe I’m just using this as an excuse to hold you.”

She turned to face the front and didn’t say anything for a while. When Abraxos slowed down his movements, she replied “I don’t know if that makes you stupid or brave. Forcing yourself to endure this fear of yours just to do so.”

Before Dorian could reply, he looked down to see a beautiful field filled with wildflowers. He gasped in wonder, which had Manon looking down too. 

“Oh no” she groaned. 

“Why?” he asked then almost let out a surprised scream as Abraxos dived down again, racing towards the field of flowers below them.

“Ugh!” Manon screamed in frustration as she thumped the back of her wyvern’s head “I didn’t tell you to go down yet!”

Abraxos turned its head to look at her, probably to tease her then continued flying down towards the field. 

Abraxos landed swiftly, his tail wagging in excitement as it landed amongst the flowers. When the wyvern was settled, Dorian unlaced his arms from Manon’s waist and took a steadying breath. Manon gave him an amused expression then hopped off from the wyvern’s back. Dorian followed.

Once they were standing on the field, Abraxos lay on his side and started sniffing the flowers. He looked like he was in utter bliss, his eyes half closed. As he sniffed the flowers, its tongue peeked out to lick it then bit one of the flowers off. 

“You weren’t kidding about his obsession with flowers.” 

“Stupid” Manon said, shaking her head “What a stupid softie.”

Dorian laughed then nudged her side with his elbow “You love him anyway”

“I do” She glared at him then sighed “For some reason I do.”

Abraxos turned its head towards them and gave the closest thing to a smile. He bit another one of the wildflowers then laid it down in front of Dorian and he eyed them both. As if he was commanding the King to give it to her. 

Manon’s brows rose in question as she stared at the flower Abraxos picked but Dorian smiled and moved towards him, bending on one knee to reach for it. Manon shook her head then started to walk a few steps back to sit amongst the wildflowers. Dorian followed her and offered her the yellow flower that her wyvern picked.

“What am I supposed to do with that?” she said, brows furrowed in confusion and distaste at his outstretched hand. 

He shrugged “You can do whatever you want with it.”

“I’m sitting in a bed of flowers” she said, exasperated “If I wanted one, I’d pick one myself.”

“Don’t be such a grumpy old hag” he crooned. When she just stared him down and didn’t make any move to accept the flower, Dorian rolled his eyes and reached over to tuck the strands of her white hair behind her ear and tucked the flower there. 

Beautiful. 

Manon had always been beautiful, but as she sat comfortably against the grass with wildflowers surrounding her, the moonlight shining on her, she looked breathtaking.

He also loved how the yellow color of the flower he tucked behind her ear matched both her golden eyes and the crown of stars she wore perfectly. 

Before Manon could swat his hand away, he moved back and sat down beside her. 

“When are you going back to The Wastes?” he asked, leaning back and stretching his legs before him.

“I’m not certain yet. In a week, probably” Manon kept her gaze on Abraxos “I haven’t helped you with the rukhs yet. Then there’s also Elide. I need to see that she will be alright before I go back.”

He nodded “Your witches are okay with you leaving them for while?”

“I’m their ruler so they don’t really have much say where my personal life is concerned.”

Dorian smiled at that, liking that she considered her visits to his kingdom as _personal_ instead of an obligation from one ruler to another. It gave him the impression that she wanted to be there and it was ridiculous how happy that simple thought made him. Though he knew that she hardly visited before and only did so now mostly for Elide, but a man can only hope. 

“You’re really fond of Lady Elide, aren’t you?” 

She looked at him and didn’t bother denying “Yes.”

“Why?” he asked “And give me a real reason aside from her possessing Blackbeak blood.”

“Why are you suddenly curious about Elide? Don’t tell me you plan on stealing her away from Lorcan.”

“I wouldn’t dare. I don’t have a death wish.” He laughed and shook his head “It’s just nice to see you so protective of her, like she’s your sister. I knew that you saved her from Morath but I don’t know anything else about your relationship.”

Manon leaned back against the field and thought about what to say. “I saved her because in the short time I got to know her, I decided that she was someone worth saving. She appeared to be a meek little servant girl but I immediately saw how cunning she can be. How smart she was. Those traits are things we value as witches alongside ruthlessness. I didn’t think one can be smart without being ruthless and yet she was warm and kind. And it surprised me how she could be both.”

Dorian listened intently, getting a better understanding of why she loved Elide so much. He tried to picture a ruthless and dangerous Manon meeting that small and probably frightened woman then. Elide must have been terrified to have dealt with Manon. 

But he remembered that it was Elide they were talking about, and he doubted that she was afraid of anything. The Lady had strong and powerful beings like Lorcan, Manon and Aelin wrapped around her finger. He would have paid good money to have witnessed how her friendship with Manon unfolded in Morath.

Dorian found that it was nice that Manon felt that fondness for Elide. That she cared for someone outside of her twelve witches. He was glad that Manon had Elide to bond with or possibly get emotional support from. Since she certainly wasn't accepting any help from him. He knew that it probably wasn’t a natural thing for her to show love or affection for the few she actually cares about, which is probably why she masks her affection towards Lady Elide by being a pain in the ass both to her and Lorcan.

He was surprised when Manon continued speaking “When I met Elide, it was also at that time when I decided that I didn’t agree with the ruthless way my grandmother ruled. She didn’t care about any of the clans, any of the witches that we were supposed to protect. I didn’t want to align myself further with her. Now Elide doesn’t know this but the preachy speech she gave me about ideals and hope for a better world had influence over my decision.” 

“Really?” Dorian let out an impressed whistle "She was brave enough to get preachy with you?"

She laughed "I know. I wanted to bite her head off when she kept talking. But her bravery earned my respect and her words struck me."

“Wow. I already had high respect for the Lady for the plan she came up with during the war, but after hearing you speak so highly of her, I might start to revere her. Perhaps she could tutor me on how I could get the mighty Queen of Witches to regard me so highly too.” he joked.

“You’re a hopeless cause. Even someone as patient as Elide wouldn’t be able to teach you.”

He laughed at that. And Manon allowed herself a small smile. 

It took a beat of silence before Dorian gathered the courage to start a conversation he has been meaning to have with her for the past year “How are you, Manon?”

Her smile from earlier was instantly gone. She looked at him, her eyes blank, revealing nothing of what she was feeling or thinking “What do you mean?” 

“I mean how are you adjusting as Queen?"

She shrugged "Fine, I suppose."

"How is your kingdom?"

"Well."

"How are you handling your duties and responsibilities without your…” he trailed off after he observed her tensing, knowing what he was about to ask. Dorian knew he was pushing into uncharted territory, asking about her twelve. Dorian knew how much her grief for them consumed her. He tried his best to give her space and wait for her to talk about them. But she never did. And whenever he or Yrene came close to the topic, she always found a way to evade it. 

Dorian already prepared himself for an outburst, expecting that she was going to hit him or spew angry barbed words so he could drop the conversation. The last thing he expected was that she’d tackle him to the ground and press herself against him. Her fingers worked to unbutton his tunic as she brought her lips to his neck “I’d rather do other things with my mouth than talk, princeling.”

He fought a groan as her mouth nipped and sucked on his skin, as he felt the heat of her body underneath the leathers she wore. His hands gripped her waist, wanting to hold her while she continued sucking on a sensitive spot on his neck. 

His eyes closed as her mouth travelled from his neck then went lower, her lips pressing hot kisses down his chest. His hands drifted higher, his fingers grazing the underside of her breasts. She shuddered then grabbed his hand and made him cup her breasts harder. Her eyes closed and let out a soft moan. Dorian started to feel himself straining against his pants and Manon definitely felt it too as she looked up at him with a wicked gleam in her eyes. She ground herself against him and both of them let out a moan. 

"Good princeling” she murmured against his skin then ground her heat against him once more.

Fast. Things were moving too fast, even for his liking. 

Dorian suddenly remembered how they got in that position in the first place. The only reason why she was on top of him, getting pleasure from him was because she was avoiding this long overdue conversation. He has wanted to truly talk to her for the longest time and she was using their bodies as a distraction.

He forced himself to sit up then let his invisible hands pry her body away from his. 

Manon’s golden eyes were wide with disbelief as his hands settled her back down on the grass, a few inches away from him. She was panting hard either from her earlier ministrations or from her seething anger as she realized that this was the first time Dorian was saying no to this. To her.

A part of Dorian felt genuinely scared as her eyes were blazing and as it shot daggers at him, but he remained where he was. He stared back at her, worried that if he made any move she would throw herself against him again but with the intention to bring harm this time.

As the heat from her glare slowly subsided, the side of her lip curled upward in bemusement. She brushed her hair back with her fingers and smoothed her leathers. 

"Manon" he started "Trust me, as much as I want to take you on this field now-" 

"Nevermind. It was a mistake." she said coolly as she stood up gracefully, like nothing happened.

"You miss them, Manon. Asterin, Sorrel, Vesta-" 

She whirled on him, her eyes giving a clear warning. _"Don't!"_

Dorian stopped then watched as Manon turned her back to him and started walking back to Abraxos. 

“You think I don’t know that you’ve been dodging this conversation?” he called to her.

“I had no doubts that you didn’t notice. I just thought you were smart enough to keep your mouth shut.”

As she neared her wyvern and didn’t stop to look back at him he called out again “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m leaving.” she shouted “I’m going to look for someone I can rut like an animal and can pleasure me until I can’t walk!”

As she climbed on top of the back of Abraxos, she didn’t bother turning around to check if Dorian was still seated on the bed of flowers. She patted the wyvern’s side to signal him that she was ready to go, but Abraxos turned around to look at her then looked at Dorian who was still on the field. 

“Abraxos, let’s go!” Manon demanded then firmly tapped her hand against his back. 

Abraxos remained where he was, making no plans to leave the King behind. Dorian released a sigh in relief, grateful that the wyvern was on his side. He stood up from where he was seated then closed the distance between them. 

“It doesn’t get easier, does it?” he asked softly once he was near “You thought time might make it easier to handle but it just gets harder because you truly feel someone’s gone when they aren’t with you every day.”

When she didn’t reply he continued “Do you think the pain goes away if you don’t talk about it? As if by not acknowledging it, it would cease to exist?”

“Stop it.” She growled, her head down as she tried to ignore his words.

“The routines you have, the things you do, the places you go aren’t the same because they’re not with you. While the world has gone back to normal, you’re in the exact same place as where they left you.”

Manon closed her eyes and tried to shut out every word coming out of his mouth. She clenched and unclenched her fists, her iron nails retracting. “Shut up, Dorian.”

“You might have thought at one point that you were over it. But then you hear something or see something that reminds you of them and suddenly it’s like they’re right there with you. I see how you look up at the sky waiting for them to show only to realize that they aren’t coming back. You see them, hear them, even feel them everywhere you go and the most painful part is having to remind yourself that they’re gone.”

 _“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”_ She snarled as she jumped down from Abraxos to grab Dorian by his collar. Her iron nails were gripping his clothes so tight that the upper part of his tunic ripped. It took everything in her not to tear the skin on his neck too.

“I want a lot of things but what I don’t want is to see you consumed by grief that you aren’t dealing with.”

“ _How. Dare. You._ ” She enunciated each word with a jab of her iron claws against his chest “You have no idea what I feel or what I think. I’m over a hundred years old, _Your Majesty_ , I don’t appreciate being condescended to.”

“I’m not trying to. Trust me, I have my own fair share of baggage I’m dealing with. But Chaol and Yrene have been there for me. And it’s helpful having others to listen to you and be with you to offer comfort.” He said, trying his best to be unbothered by how Manon made it difficult for him to breathe since she was still holding him by his collar. “I just want to help.”

“ _Why?_ ” She demanded, her golden eyes fiery.

“I already told you this a year ago. I care about you.”

Manon laughed without humour then released his collar “And I’m telling you the same thing I said a year ago. You’re a fool for doing so.”

“Tell me why, Manon. Why am I a fool for caring about you?” he demanded, his gaze hard. “You pretend like caring for others is such a disease and yet you did care for your twelve. You care for Abraxos despite your talk about him being soft. You care for Elide. And I’m also sure as hell that you care about me too.”

Her nostrils flared but before she could say anything he continued “Tell me, why did you agree to do this? Why bother visit Adarlan at all? Your visits aren’t as often as we’d both like but you still make the effort to do so. You care for me and maybe you don’t want to admit it to yourself but it feels nice to have someone that you care about care for you in return, doesn’t it?”

“Of course it does!” she growled “Do you know how hard it is to rule a clan of witches you hardly know? I may be their Queen but how could I expect them respect me and work with me the same way my twelve had? They don’t know me the way they did!”

“The only ones I’ve cared for who cared for me in return was my twelve, and all of them are gone!” she shouted, ignoring the tightness in her throat. “A century of companionship, gone. They sacrificed themselves for a better world and so I could reign and bring change. But all I’ve wished this entire time was for me to have gone with them!”

He took a step back, relieved that he was finally getting something from her. 

“I should have gone with them. I should have done the yielding with them.” she said softer this time, resigned. “Especially after how I treated them before all this happened.”

She closed her eyes again, seeing Asterin whom she had smacked and demoted for questioning her. For enforcing hierarchy and rank on them to the point that she didn't even listen when they had something to say. 

“So yes, maybe I do like spending time with you sad sacks no matter how infuriating you all are because at least we have been through things together. You all are the only ones alive who have been alongside me during that hell” she admitted. “Now, I’d make more of an effort to visit all of you if you stopped worrying over me like a mother hen! I see how you all look at me with pity. It's like you're all walking on eggshells around me, especially you Dorian! You’re all as ridiculous as Lorcan when you fuss over people and I. Cannot. Stand. It.”

By the end of her rant, she was already panting heavily. She glared at him the entire she tried to steady her breathing. 

After a beat Dorian gave a reassuring smile and his hand reached for hers “Now, that felt good didn’t it?”

Manon didn’t return his smile and backed away.

“No, it didn’t." she said as she turned her back to him and climbed up Abraxos again. She barely gave him a glance when she said in low and tired voice "I don’t understand why you want to do this or how you think it’s going to achieve anything. But I’m warning you to back off.”

“No. You need us more than ever, Manon.”

“This is the last time you cross a line like that, Dorian. I mean it. Don’t expect to ever see me again if you plan on crossing one more.” she warned, her voice cold. 

She waited for him to climb up and settle behind her but he remained standing on the field. 

He shook his head, disappointed. “Then it will be fine by me. I’d rather have you broken and vulnerable than whatever this is you’re convincing yourself to be.”

"Oh _'you'd rather have me'_?" She laughed in disbelief and rolled her eyes. What gall. She nudged Abraxos to stand up 

“Last time I checked, I wasn't offering myself to you. I’m not a damsel that needs saving. I'm not a prize you get to keep for feeding your ego by thinking you're helping me.” Manon spat.

A rush of wind blew past them and sent Manon’s hair to blow around. The yellow flower that was tucked in her ear threatened to fly away which led Manon to grab it with her iron claws then rip it to shreds. She threw the tattered petals on the ground and commanded Abraxos to fly.

Her wyvern turned around to look at her with sad eyes but she just screamed “Now!”

With a whimper, he stretched his wings and lifted itself off the ground. Manon kept her gaze ahead and didn’t look down at Dorian who she was leaving behind the field. Abraxos was still making sad noises from the back of his throat, Dorian getting smaller and smaller as they flew further away.

“He can shapeshift, Abraxos. He’ll get back just fine.” She told him to reassure her wyvern and also herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes. i don't know which fight was more yikes, this one or elide and lorcan's. 
> 
> are you guys sensing a pattern here? am I obsessed with fights and confrontations? yes I am. idk if that's concerning but my life is dull so im living vicariously through these people's drama. 
> 
> Hahaa anyway, I’m sorry I know I said in the previous chapter that I was planning to post this last Sunday but alas when I finished the draft, I was unsettled with how off it felt. I was supposed to focus on the "aftermath" of Elide and Lorcan's fight but I didn't like the draft I made. Then I realized that since this was chapter 13, I felt obligated to give it to Manon in memory of the 13. So basically I rewrote everything Saturday night hahaha -_- 
> 
> Then when I finished writing a chunk of it, for some reason the draft didn’t save or autosave. So that was fun. I threw a temper tantrum for a good ten minutes then skimmed through QoS instead lol. I wanted to read about Manon again and wow she was reaaallly ruthless and savage in that book. Also, I remembered how much I hated Lorcan in QoS loool I guess that's why I was really surprised by him and Elide in EoS. Awww my babies came so far. ♥


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo!! I finally posted huhu! I'll explain why later.
> 
> The chapter starts out from when training ended. Before Manon and Dorian’s evening in ch 13.

“Was there anything in particular that you were planning to borrow?” Chaol asked Lorcan as he scanned the vast library. It was an odd sight, seeing someone as hulking and powerful as Lorcan in between the shelves, searching quietly for a book. 

It was also particularly odd that this was the favour that Lorcan asked in return for training their men. Chaol was expecting something more…scary. Dorian didn’t seem to mind and was actually happy that Lorcan requested to borrow books.

“Storybooks are preferable.”

Chaol had guessed that whatever books he wanted to borrow weren’t for himself but rather for Lady Elide. Chaol smiled to himself, happy to know that she liked to read. She had the same interests as Aelin and Dorian then. He had doubts that the warrior liked to read for leisure. As he thought of it, he couldn’t imagine Lorcan doing any sort of leisurely activity. 

Chaol didn’t visit this library often, but he recalled how this was the place where he read more about Terrasen’s family history when he figured out that Celaena was in fact Aelin Galathynius, the lost Queen of Terrasen. 

Chaol walked over to the other side of the library that had the textbooks and scrolls that had information on the geography, history, and culture of their neighboring countries. He reached for the books and scrolls that contained the genealogy of the Galathynius’ and the other ruling houses of Terrasen. Chaol skimmed through the multiple pages, trying to look for information on each of the Houses of Terrasen—which included House Lochan. Perhaps Lorcan or Elide might be interested in reading about the news and current affairs of their city during the time Elide was held captive. Perhaps she would get ideas on what she and Lorcan could do now as Lady and Lord of Perranth to help their city thrive once again. 

One of the scrolls caught his interest since it had chronicles of the Lochan Family. The first one was dated twenty years ago.

_Cal Lochan, the eldest son of Lord Robert Lochan, has proposed to Marion Alinac—lady-in-waiting and a dear friend of Queen Evalin Ashryver Galathynius. Marion has accepted Cal’s proposal and they are to be wed this summer._

Chaol moved to another scroll that was dated one year after the first one. His eyes widened as the paper revealed an artwork on the center.

In the middle of the paper was a handsome man with shoulder length hair and a muscular built, beside him was a beautiful petite woman with a delicate face, and long black hair. The woman had a baby girl in her arms. The baby was probably a year old, since she looked the same size as Josefina. The only difference was the baby girl in the artwork had very light skin and black hair. 

Underneath the artwork was written: _Lord Cal Lochan with Lady Marion Lochan of Perranth, and their daughter, Elide Lochan._

Yrene has told him of everything that Elide has shared to her about her parents. About how Lady Marion was with Aelin the night that the soldiers attacked, and how she was the one who bought Aelin time to run. During that time, Lord Cal was also helping plan a rebellion against the former King of Adarlan—Dorian’s father, who sacked Terrasen. When information leaked about their plans to rebel, Cal was branded as a traitor and was executed in public. His brother—Elide’s Uncle Vernon, took over being Lord of Perranth.

Goosebumps rose on his arms as he looked at how happy the couple looked in the picture, completely contrasting their dark demise. He studied the baby closely and smiled as he noticed that she definitely looked like Elide. She had the dark eyes and dark hair, and gentle face.

Chaol took the document and walked back to Lorcan, who already had a few books tucked in his arm. 

“I found something” Chaol said then offered the scroll to him “Elide might want to see this.”

Lorcan’s brows furrowed in confusion at first, but when he opened it and saw the artwork, he froze. He put down the books he was holding on the near table so he could hold the picture on both his hands. 

A handful of emotions seemed to pass through Lorcan’s face that Chaol was taken aback. He was used to seeing Lorcan either scowling, glaring, or having a bored expression on his face. But as he studied the picture, he looked at it with such tenderness. His finger traced over the picture. 

“Thank you” Lorcan managed to say with a smile after a while “I’m sure Elide will be glad to see this.”

Chaol shrugged, suddenly feeling awkward seeing the demi fae smile. The sight wasn’t unpleasant. In fact, Lorcan looked younger when he did smile. But it was the first time he saw the male do so to anyone other than his wife. 

“Does your home in Perranth have portraits of her parents?”

Lorcan’s expression suddenly darkened “Her Uncle did a thorough job of making the place his. We hardly found any of her parents’ belongings save for a few boxes and trunks that had a few of their things.”

Chaol nodded, feeling bad for Elide. She must have wanted some reminders of her parents after everything that happened. He felt glad that at least he found the picture and Lorcan would be able to show it to the Lady. She’d get to be reminded of how happy they looked. 

“I’m assuming that I can’t bring this home with us?” Lorcan said as rolled back the scroll and put it on top of the pile of books he borrowed.

Chaol, to his own surprise, laughed “I’m not sure. Dorian loves his books and this library is special but he also loves lending and gifting things here to his friends. You could try asking.”

Lorcan nodded, a plan already forming on his mind on what he could do with the portrait. He wanted to do something thoughtful for his wife, do something so that she would be reminded of how her parents and how much they loved her. 

“Does Elide talk about her parents often?” Chaol asked him.

Too soon. 

It was too soon to be reminded of her silence when it came to them. That she probably didn’t feel comfortable or safe enough with him to discuss her parents.

Despite his effort to remain calm or unfazed, Lorcan’s face must have betrayed him because Chaol immediately said “Yrene grew up without a father and her mother passed away when she was just a teenager. She doesn’t talk about her mother often but she has her tells when she thinks of her and misses her”

“What kind of tells?” Lorcan asked, his interest piqued. Perhaps he could learn a thing or two from the Hand of the King of Adarlan when it came to understanding his wife. 

Chaol gave a smile “The most obvious one is the fact that she named our daughter Josefina the moment we found out she was a girl. Her mother’s name was Josefin.”

Lorcan nodded and suddenly the thought of him and Elide having a child came to mind. If they were to expand their family, would Elide want to name their child Marion or Cal or some variation of her parents’ names? 

Before he could further entertain the thought, Lorcan reminded himself that the last thing Elide needed now was a babe. Especially with him. He had no parents to model himself and there was also the fact that he’s been a brutal warrior who caused death and destruction for centuries. He’s the last person who could properly raise a child.

But he knew without a doubt that Elide would be a wonderful mother. She is the most loving and nurturing person he knows, it’s why he falls in love with her every single day. If she were to be a mother, her child would be the luckiest baby. Elide would protect her own with such fierceness but would also care with in an infinite tenderness. 

Now that he thought of it, there was this unexplainable want in him to give her that. To share that with her, creating life and taking care of a child—a product of their love. 

Lorcan shook his head. He had the gall to entertain the idea of having a child with Elide after he shouted at her then left her. He couldn’t even make Elide happy, what more a child? 

“Does Yrene cry when she misses her mother?” 

Chaol looked up, his face thoughtful “She doesn’t really cry but I’ve come to notice when she feels sad or when she misses her. It’s mostly when she has our daughter peacefully sleeping in her arms, there are times when she whispers Josfina’s name with a sad smile. I know that she’s thinking of her mother when that happens.”

“What do you do when that happens?” Lorcan asked almost eagerly “How do you be what she needs?”

“There’s not really much I can do but make sure that she knows that I’m there for her. Of course I show affection but I also ask about how she feels, I listen to her—“

“ _Gods damn it!_ I know all of this already” Lorcan groaned, exasperated “I’ve been doing all those and yet she doesn’t want to open up. I don’t know how to help!”

Chaol blinked then stared at him in surprise. As realization started to set, he finally understood why Lorcan was suddenly interested in his marriage. Chaol gave him a rueful smile and took a few seconds to properly word his reply. Lorcan also tried to compose himself as the seconds passed. 

The last thing Chaol expected was for him to give marital advice to Lorcan while he accompanied him to the library and yet there they were. 

“I’m assuming this has to do with what happened during Elide’s procedure yesterday” Chaol started carefully “My wife told me what happened…How do you feel about it?”

Lorcan rolled his eyes then pulled out one of the chairs on the table then took a seat “I don’t think my feelings matter in this situation. Elide is the one who’s having a difficult time. I just want to help but she’s not making it easy.”

“Whatever you’re feeling does matter. You’re her partner and it makes sense that you want to be there for her” Chaol said as he settled into the chair opposite Lorcan “What do you mean by she isn’t making it easy?” 

“I told you, she didn’t want to tell me what happened and how she was feeling. I tried to give her space but I couldn’t take it anymore. You should have seen her, Westfall. If you saw how she looked, heard how she cried, that isn’t something you could just easily shake off.” 

Chaol nodded, trying to understand everything Lorcan was saying. 

“If that was Yrene or your daughter who was in Elide’s position, would it not have driven you crazy?” Lorcan continued, his eyes wide “Seeing how much it affects her and not knowing what to do to help?”

"Of course it would bother me, but I'd make sure that I was there for them." he said then eyed Lorcan “Don’t take this the wrong way but why are you here then? Why aren’t you with her?”

Lorcan narrowed his eyes “I’m not going to force myself where I’m not wanted.”

Chaol blinked again, taken aback once more. He realized belatedly that Elide and Lorcan must have had a disagreement recently, which was why he stormed out the field and bumped into him and Dorian. It would also explain how hard he exerted himself during training. He wasn’t able to stop himself when he blurted out “You left Lady Elide alone?”

The moment he said it, Chaol wanted to take it back from the thunderous look on Lorcan’s face.

“I’m not a monster, I didn’t leave her alone. I already told you earlier Yrene and Manon are with her.” he gritted out “She prefers the witch’s company more than mine anyway. I don’t see why my absence matters.”

Chaol raised his brow at that, realizing that perhaps Lorcan felt jealous. He knew from Dorian that Manon liked the Lady and was also very protective towards her. She was the one who saved Elide in Morath anyway, so it made sense that she liked her if she made the effort to help Elide escape. 

Maybe Manon and Elide had the same kind of friendship that he had with Dorian. 

“Manon and Elide have much more in common than you realize” Chaol started “Aside from their heritage, both of them have experienced the loss of their family. Maybe that’s why Elide might find comfort in talking to her about it, because they’re on equal ground when it comes to that.”

“But why wouldn’t she want to talk to me?”

“Elide probably just wants to talk to someone who understands what she’s going through. Don’t take it personally.”

Lorcan opened his mouth to argue but he kept his mouth shut as Chaol’s words sunk in. 

The thought never occurred to him. 

“In my case, I love Yrene with all my heart. She knows me best and has seen the ugliest and beautiful parts of me. But there are also times where I choose to confide in Dorian because he is my best friend and we’ve been through so much together. But it doesn’t mean I love Yrene any less. The same also goes whenever I confide in Yrene, a lot of those things I share to her are things I haven’t told Dorian because me and my wife have also gone through different things.”

Lorcan’s frown deepened further, as he absorbed what Chaol was saying.

“I guess what I’m saying is, we cannot be everything a person needs nor can we get everything from just one person. That’s why we have friends and family because there are bits and pieces of ourselves that we share with different people. But just because we have other people in our lives, doesn’t mean we love the others any less.”

“But—“

“As her partner, you have to be there for her and make her feel loved. Allow her to open up herself to you if she wants but also respect when she chooses not to. What’s important is you both communicate and listen to each other.”

Before Lorcan could reply, there was a knock that came from one of the bookshelves behind Chaol. They both looked up to see Dorian peeking his head through the shelf “I’m sorry to interrupt. Chaol, I need you to help me with something.”

Chaol nodded and stood up from the table.

“Dorian” Lorcan called “Thank you...for the books.”

The King of Adarlan blinked in surprise then smiled as he eyed the pile of books Lorcan had on the table “It’s my pleasure. Thank you for helping us earlier.”

= = = = = = = = 

Once Lorcan made his way back to their room, Yrene was already packing her things neatly in her satchel. 

Yrene informed him of everything that happened while he was gone and his heart ached further. He tried his best to remain calm the entire time she spoke, but he felt anything but.

When the healer left he immediately crossed the room to sit on Elide’s side of the bed, brushing away her hair which was plastered on her forehead and cheeks. Even with her eyes closed, he could see that her eyes were puffy and had dark circles under it. He leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead then breathed in her scent her for a moment. 

Her scent always smelled like home to him.

The thought led his thoughts to their fight earlier and suddenly he felt sick.

When Yrene told him of how Elide decided that she wanted to push through with the procedure while entirely conscious, he wasn’t able to stop a surge of his dark magic when it blew out the candles in the room. He didn’t even want to think if that decision had anything to do with their fight.

 _Gods._ Of all the times, he chose to walk out when she needed him. 

Lorcan wasn’t able to stop himself from imagining how much pain Elide must have been the entire time if she really was conscious. He vividly remembered the sight of her foot gaping open as Yrene worked on her. If she was awake while Yrene cut open her flesh and broke down her bones—

He wanted to break something. Or cry. Or do both. 

Then there was also the little chat Elide had with Manon. Yrene told him what they talked about, since she figured it was something that he needed to hear so he could further understand his wife and what she was feeling. 

Everything that he wanted to hear from Elide, her opening up and pouring out her unfiltered thoughts, all happened when he walked out and was left with Manon. If he had stayed and talked to her like a calm sane person would, she probably would have opened up to him too.

But he remembered Chaol’s words to him earlier. _“Manon and Elide have much more in common than you realize.”_

It would make sense if she wanted to talk to someone who went through the same things as her, someone who shared her grief. 

Lorcan put his head down on his hands. He hasn’t felt this ashamed in a long time. 

“I’m sorry, Elide.” He whispered, reaching out to hold her hand for a while .

He hated the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing what to do. 

The only thing he could think of was getting some books for Elide to read, since she has learned to enjoy reading. When Lorcan taught her how to read, they established a routine where they would do lessons at night; and before they went to bed, they would read a story together. It was something that started out as more of a requirement but it quickly became something they both looked forward to every night. 

Even when Elide eventually became an independent reader, they still kept their routine of reading a story together. She claimed that she loved snuggling close to him while listening to his voice. Lorcan never had anyone comment on how deep and lovely his voice was, so he enjoyed indulging his wife by reading to her. He loved feeling her against his chest anyway, and her reactions to every little thing a character would do always amused him. 

It reminded him of simpler and happier times. Hopefully the books he borrowed from Dorian would bring comfort and make her feel better. Lorcan also wished that it would make her want to spend time with him again. 

As for the family portrait that Chaol showed him, Lorcan asked to borrow it but he still has yet to decide what to do with it. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to show her yet after what happened recently. He didn’t know if it would trigger her sadness or longing more. 

But he already had an idea with what to do with the portrait and how it can elicit happiness from Elide. Hopefully he had time in the coming days to sneak out to the city to accomplish what he needed to do. 

Lorcan reached over to set the books on the other side of the bed, so that when Elide wakes up she could check what she would want to read. He also filled her glass with water then replaced her barely eaten food with fresh bread and pastries. 

When everything was set and within reach in case she woke up, Lorcan decided to head for the bathing chambers to take a quick bath. He leaned in once more to kiss Elide on her forehead then stood up from the bed.

= = = = = = =

Elide woke up to the sound of water running and splashing coming from the bathing chambers.

She forced her heavy eyes to open and look at her surroundings. The room was empty. She looked at her leg which remained propped up on the pillow. She gently moved her foot to see how it felt. 

It was still sore, but there was a different feeling she couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t exactly painful, but there was something unusual about how it felt.

Where were Yrene and Manon? she thought then frowned.

Her stomach grumbled then she remembered that she hasn’t eaten anything yet.

Elide winced as she carefully sat up. She reached for the saucer of pastries that was placed on top of the bedside drawer. She took one of the croissants and bit on it, savouring the buttery taste. She gobbled it all down in a less than a minute then reached over to pick up another one. 

As she took a bite from her second croissant, Lorcan came out of the bathing chambers.

His hair was wet and his chest bare while he was in loose pants.

Elide loved staring at him especially when he just came from a bath. For some reason, she always found herself transfixed at the sight of him with his hair and chest damp. After a bath, he’d always walk around their room in just loose pants then would continue preparing whatever he needed to. The fine sight almost always made her crazy with desire.

Lorcan halted when he saw that she was awake and looking at him while taking a bite of a piece of pastry.

“Hi” he greeted while still standing at the door of the bathroom.

“Hi” she said softly then put down the pastry she was eating. Elide noticed that he didn’t make any move towards her and her chest ached. 

He was still mad. The croissant she was just eating suddenly turned stale in her mouth.

“Where are Yrene and Manon?”

For some reason, something like hurt quickly passed through his eyes but he cooled it into a cool expression “Yrene finished with your foot about an hour ago. I told her she could leave so both of you can get some rest.”

“And Manon?”

“I believe that she’s with Dorian.”

She nodded then leaned back against the headboard and reached for her glass so she could take a drink of water.

Elide didn’t realize how dry her throat was, how parched she was. She ended up drinking the entire glass in one sip. Lorcan remained standing by the door of the bathroom, watching her intently. 

“Where did you go?” she asked after drinking, forcing herself to look him in the eye.

Lorcan finally moved away from the door then slowly walked towards her. He sat down on the edge of the bed, beside where Elide’s foot was propped “I bumped into Dorian and Chaol who asked if I could help train their men. So I did.”

Elide nodded, somewhat relieved that he was in the castle premises the entire time. She expected the worst and thought that he would go somewhere far, and she was worried that if something happened to him she wouldn’t know where to look. A small part of her even worried that he might have decided to go back to Perranth and leave her there after their fight. 

“How do you feel?” he asked, trying to read her face and body for any indication of discomfort or pain “Yrene left a tonic that you need to drink for the pain and swelling.”  


“Lorcan” she said softly as her hand reached for his, ignoring his fussing “I hurt you earlier…I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He replied, looking away “I should be the one apologizing…”

“No, it’s not fine. I hurt you.” Elide said then tried to scoot closer to him “Let’s talk about it please.”

Lorcan looked down at their joined hands and sighed “I don’t want to fight again.”

“We’re not going to fight. I promise. Let’s just talk.”

She shifted in the bed then patted the empty space beside her, asking him to sit there. Lorcan exhaled in relief, glad that she wanted him near and he scooted over to where she was seated. He draped his arm around her so she could lean against him. 

“Let’s make a deal” Lorcan started “If we are to talk, you need to finish whatever you’re eating now.” 

Elide nodded, reached over for the croissant and took another bite.

When she swallowed her food she started “I’m sorry I was being difficult yesterday and this morning…It’s just, dreaming of my parents took me by surprise. It was such a good dream that I believed it to be true. Then I woke up, and it wasn’t.”

Lorcan nodded, listening then turning over her every word in his mind. He didn’t ask what she dreamed about because he recalled how she said that they were back home in Perranth and they had a loving family reunion of sorts only for it to be cut short because her parents needed to leave again. That’s what caused her distress. 

“I’ve never had a dream like it, where I actually believed that they were back with me. For good.” She said softly after she swallowed another bite of her croissant. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t trust you enough to share it…it was just too much for me in that moment.”

Lorcan wasn’t able to stop himself when he grumbled “It didn’t seem like too much when it was Manon you were talking to.”

Elide looked up at him, her brows furrowed in disbelief "Are you jealous of Manon?" 

"Of course I was" he said, resigned "You talked to her so easily, like it was natural for you to do so. Meanwhile, you refused to talk to me about anything that you were feeling. How could I not be jealous, Elide?" 

She studied his face, surprised by his admission. “Manon and I are going through similar things I think. She’s still grieving for her thirteen who was her family and I’m going through the same thing because of my parents.”

“Chaol pointed out the same thing to me” he said quietly, his fingers fiddling with the ends of Elide’s hair “I feel like a fool for being so worked up over this.”

"I saw how much Manon is hurting and I chose to talk to her about it because we share the same pain. Me talking to her was comforting to me just as much as it was to her." Elide said firmly but gently "Just because I chose to talk to someone else about something personal doesn't mean I don't trust you, Lorcan. I need you to know that. I love you and you are who I trust the most with my life, but you shouldn't take it personally if I seek comfort or help from others."

He nodded, his arm tightening around her shoulders, bringing her closer to him "Okay."

A beat of silence passed between them and Elide looked up at him.

“What else was going through your mind?” she asked softly, reaching up her hand so that her thumb grazed his jaw “I saw your face, Lorcan. You looked so hurt and I want to know exactly why.”

“It’s stupid.”

Elide cupped his cheek then made him look at her “It isn’t stupid and what you feel matters to me. Tell me please.”

“This for example, frustrates me” he said after taking a deep breath “You always tell me to talk about how I feel, and I do. But when the situation was reversed, it made me feel like I was in the wrong when I wanted you to talk to me.”

She nodded “I know. That was unfair of me.”

“Gods, even now I feel bad for saying it” he said then ran his hand against his hair “It’s just…you know how much I love you, right? I need to know that you know.”

“Of course” she said, her brows drawn together in confusion.

He nodded, relieved to hear that “And everyone knows that I’m an overprotective fussy bastard. So it was especially difficult for me to witness you like that, all while you refused to tell me what was wrong. I felt like I was left to figure out on my own what you need.”

“I was going out of my mind trying to understand what you were going through, what you were feeling, and trying to figure out what I could do to help. When you closed yourself off from me, I started to panic more so than I already do. My mind went through a hundred scenarios of what could have gone wrong and it was rutting hell. But I was trying to understand that you needed space so I did my best not to push.”

“Then Manon shows up and suddenly you start talking to her even if she was being a bitch the entire time and—“ he sighed “It hurt. How easy she got you to talk, to tell her how you felt.”

“Lorcan—” Elide said softly.

“I thought that I must have done something to make you not trust me enough to tell me. Then you went on and cried about you not having a family and it wrecked me, Elide. I’m sorry that I can’t bring them back nor I am enough to replace them—” 

“Lorcan” Elide leaned away from him so she could sit up and look at him “You are enough and so much more. You are my family and I’ve been thanking the stars for that each night.”

Her husband looked at her, doubt in his eyes “You mean that?”

Elide nodded “I love you Lorcan, of course I mean it” 

Lorcan's eyes softened as he leaned in to press his lips against hers “I love you”

Elide put her arms around his neck and kissed him back, glad that they were no longer fighting and that they made progress in communicating. She kept her arms around him as she leaned back against the pillows, bringing him on top of her. Before Lorcan could deepen their kiss, she pulled away. 

“I know it was difficult for you, how I was acting and I’m sorry. But please understand I’m not at my best right now. The pain of the procedure, the feeling of being weak, and my heightened emotions from everything is taking a toll on me but _I’m trying._ ”

“I know” Lorcan whispered as his hand cupped her cheek “I know you are trying. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to question you. This is why I didn’t want to say anything, it’s rutting stupid.”

She narrowed her eyes “I told you what you feel isn’t stupid. Thank you for talking to me about it.”

“No, _thank you._ For being my home.” He leaned in again, resting his forehead against hers and whispered “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have shouted at you and I shouldn’t have left.”

“I understand” she whispered back “I’m pretty sure I started the shouting anyway, so you're forgiven." 

He allowed himself a smile but his eyes remained studying hers “Are we all right?”

“More than all right” she replied with a smile "We have to make it up to each other though."

He raised his brows "How?"

She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. Elide leaned over to reach for a piece of bread from the bedside table "We can think of how we can make it up to each other. In the mean time, I'll continue eating because I'm famished and I don't want to put to waste the good food you brought me."

His lips twitched in amusement "Are you making a show out of you eating just so I won't scold you for skipping meals the whole day?"

She made a face then took a bite from her food.

"Don't think that I don't know about you being conscious the entire procedure too. But we'll talk about that later."

Elide narrowed her eyes at him "You know, I'm reminded of your old age whenever you act like a grumpy old man who gets off from scolding others."

His eyes became darker, his gaze predatory "Elide, love, you know all the things that get me off and we both know scolding is definitely not one of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did yall find this chapter? Let me know please I love reading all your comments. 
> 
> And yes I know this chapter took longer than usual to be posted and I apologize huhu. I’m afraid that my past routine where I was able to post twice a week will be unlikely to happen now because online classes have already started in my school. 
> 
> Just like all the teachers everywhere, I’m still in the process of adjusting to online teaching because of covid.  
> But yes pls bear with me I’m still pushing through w this fic because I’m not a quitter!!!
> 
> Stay safe, sane, and healthy yall!!!


	15. Chapter 15

After Elide finished eating the pastries that Lorcan brought her, both of them ended up reading two of the few books that he borrowed from Dorian’s library. They spent an hour or so reading—Elide leaning against Lorcan while he kept one arm around her while his free hand held open the book. 

After they read together, they talked for the remainder of the night. Elide started to share to him everything she told Manon, wanting to share her unfiltered thoughts and feelings with her husband. Though Lorcan tried to hide it, he was so honoured to finally have her talk to him about what went through her mind and everything she felt.

Lorcan listened intently to everything Elide told him and he also found himself sharing parts of himself that he realized he doesn’t talk about often.

Like Gavriel. 

Elide knew of course that Gavriel’s death affected Lorcan more than he let on, but she was surprised that he brought him up when they were talking. She knew her husband didn’t like discussing anything that had to do with how he feels; and if he did, he only did it because she asked him to. But the way he brought it up on his own and talked about his fallen friend so solemnly made the moment so intimate and all the more meaningful. 

Lorcan considered Gavriel as a brother whom he had deep respect for. Out of everyone in the cadre, he was the most level-headed and tolerable, the least infuriating. He was the most-liked and well respected in the group not only because of his age and power, but also because of his wisdom. 

They ate supper in their bed while they talked and reminisced about Perranth, their friends, and themselves—how funny it was that they both joined a circus, Lorcan’s seemingly unlimited supply of shirts which he always willingly torn for her cycles, and everything in between.

Both didn’t realize how much time has passed and were surprised to see that it was an hour before midnight. 

“It’s late” Lorcan murmured against her, his hands absent-mindedly brushing through her hair, her head on his chest “You should rest. It’s been a long day.”

She pressed a kiss on his chest “I love talking to you. I didn’t even realize how late it is.” 

He smiled, his heart warming “Yrene said you can have the entire day tomorrow to rest. You may sleep in if you want.”

“What about you? Will you be sleeping in?”

“I’ll stay in bed with you. We can have a lazy morning together.”

Elide raised her head to look at him with a raised brow “I don’t think you’ve ever slept in your whole life, Lorcan. I’m curious to see how long you’d last in bed without needing to train or do something productive.”

“You’ll be in bed with me. There’s nothing that would make me want to be anywhere else.”

She rolled her eyes but curled up against him once more “Good night, Lorcan.”

Lorcan laughed as Elide yawned, obviously tired from the day she had. She spent the morning fighting with him then the spent the rest of the morning conscious while Yrene cut open her foot, broke apart her bones, and regrew them. Of course she was exhausted and needed rest.

She was already asleep when Lorcan wrapped an arm around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Her sleep was so peaceful, much better than the one she had the day before. Lorcan’s presence always made her feel safe. Whenever she fell asleep in his arms, it was a guarantee that she’d have a good night’s rest.

It was in the early hours of down, however, when Elide stirred in her sleep.

There was a soft sound and movement in the other end of the bedroom which woke her up. She opened her eyes groggily and frowned when she found herself alone on the bed. She reached her hand to feel Lorcan’s side of the bed, to see if it was still warm. There were times when she woke up in the middle of the night to an empty bed because he needed to get a drink or go to the bathing room.

But cold sheets greeted her skin, and his side of the bed was made up. 

As if he didn’t sleep in it at all. 

“Looking for someone?”

Elide sat up from the bed, her wide eyes scanning the room. She felt her heart beating wildly in her chest as she recognized that voice. The arrogant and taunting voice which she hated all those years. 

She quickly reached under the mattress to get one of Lorcan’s daggers which she knew he kept hidden for emergencies. But as her hand patted around, she didn’t feel the cool metal. She bit her lip to stop a cry forming in her throat as she looked around, desperate to get anything that could be used as a weapon. 

“You won’t find anything to use against me, my dear niece.”

“Where is Lorcan?” Elide demanded as she squinted at the figure in the darkness “What did you do to him?”

Vernon laughed as he walked closer to her, his face illuminated by the moonlight spilling from the window. Elide forced herself to steady her breathing and made a quick look around the room, deciding the best way to escape. 

“That’s the funny thing, Elide. I didn’t have to do anything” he said with a smile as he neared her “He left.”

“You’re lying. Lorcan would never leave me.”

Vernon made a show of looking around the room “Do you see him around? I certainly don’t. I do not see his belongings here either.”  
Elide felt her heart drop to her stomach as she looked around the room. Lorcan’s side of the bed was made up, his satchel that was placed on the couch was gone. The dagger which she knew he hid under the mattress wasn’t there. 

She scrambled out of the bed, ignoring the pain that shot up her leg. She moved around the room searching for him or his things.

As she limped around and saw that the room was indeed empty except for her own belongings, Elide wasn’t able to help the tears that formed in her eyes.  
Lorcan left. 

“My poor little niece” Vernon crooned as he sauntered over to her. Elide backed up against the wall and flinched when his fingers tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear “Don’t look so heartbroken. I’m surprised he even put up with you for more than a year. Did you honestly believe that you had any effect on one of the most powerful members of Maeve’s warriors?”

She didn’t reply but kept her gaze hard as it met his. She refused to cower from him. Never again. 

“Don’t be surprised he left you. You should be used to it actually. The people you love always end up leaving you anyway.”

_No._

_Don’t let his words get to you._

The moment Vernon’s fingers touched her cheek, Elide grabbed his hand then twisted it. He let out a yelp in pain as she pressed her nails against his skin. She lifted her leg, planning to kick him in his crotch. But blinding pain shot up her calf which made her crumple to the ground instead. 

She moaned as her leg was having spasms and pulsing in pain when she forced herself to stand up once more.

“Pathetic.” he said disapprovingly as he examined his hand. Vernon crouched down so he was facing her “You were so close to inflicting real pain but you’re too weak. This is why people leave you and forget about you.”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re nothing. You can’t even stand up and defend yourself.”

“Yes I can” she gritted out, sweat forming on her forehead and neck as she forced herself to sit up by putting her weight on her leg. As she made a move to stand up, she was in so much pain that her leg felt numb. She cried out but still made another move to stand once more. 

Elide leaned her body on her arms and forced it to carry her weight. As she scrambled on the foor and struggled to get up, Vernon just watched her with an amused expression the entire time. “I’m glad that I didn’t let a healer fix your foot then. I think it’s a humbling reminder of what you are. You’re nobody.”

“Shut up” she shouted then spat on his face “I am Lady of Perranth. I fought in the war. I’m not a nobody.”

“No Lady would spit on someone else’s face.” Vernon said as he wiped the spit that landed on his cheek “The only reason why you think you’re someone is because you whored yourself to the most powerful beings you could find. First, the Queen of Witches, then Maeve’s second, then the Queen of Terrasen.”

“I’m not a whore. I serve them because I love and trust them with my life and the life of everyone elses.”

He rolled his eyes “I wouldn’t be surprised if you opened your legs to the handsome King of Adarlan too. What a powerful partner he’d be, with all the raw magic he has. At least Dorian is closer to your age. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t mind since he already left you.” 

Elide hated that his words made her cheeks heat from disgust and indignation. She knew better than to let him get under her skin and yet his words were hitting its target.

“I have to give you props though, Elide. You are ambitious. We’re similar in that regard, I’ll give you that” He said as he reached over and toyed with the strands of her hair. “But what sets us apart is I can do things on my own. While you my little niece, rely on others. You’re nothing without them.”

She kept her glare despite how her body was starting to shake—both in anger and in fear. 

“If you respected me and all I did for you, then you could have used that ambition we both share and learned a thing or two from me. Instead, you got lazy and relied on the comfort of others. It’s your fault you’re useless.”

“What do you want?” she whispered, resigned. She was slowly starting to accept that she couldn’t stand a chance against him, that no one would come for her just like how no one came for her for ten years. It was so easy for her to be forgotten back then and it would probably be the same now. Elide knew that her damned leg wasn’t going to help her either, so she might as well save herself from the pain. “I don’t want to play your games. Just take me or kill me and get it over with.”

Vernon laughed harshly then stood up “As I said, you’re useless. You no longer have use for me. I went back to see if slumming it with faes and witches have brought out any special powers hidden in you. I can see I was wrong.”

= = = = = = =

Elide was trembling and gasping for air when she woke up. 

She shot up, her eyes wildly scanning the room. She looked down and exhaled in relief when she saw Lorcan’s sleeping form beside her. It took a full minute for her to steady her breathing. Elide couldn’t help but brush her fingers against her husband’s hair to convince herself that this was real. That Lorcan was here with her and he didn’t leave.

That Vernon was dead and she just had another terrible nightmare. 

_You’re nothing._

Elide closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to get rid of Vernon’s voice. She knew it was all a dream and that he was gone and most likely burning in hell, but damn it if his words didn’t affect her. The dream was realistic because she endured all his taunting and harsh words for ten years. 

She needed to bathe or to wash the feeling of his touch off her skin. The thin material of her sleeping gown clung to her body which was already drenched in sweat despite the cool. It suddenly felt too hot. She needed air and she wanted to move around.

She looked over at Lorcan, considering waking him up so he could help bring her to the bathing chambers. When she reached over to shake him awake, Vernon’s voice rang in her head again.

_You’re nothing without them._

Her hand froze then pulled it back to her lap. 

Elide stared at her leg which was still propped up on the pillows. She tried to flex her muscles, trying to see if there was lingering pain. It felt sore but nothing out of the ordinary.  
She leaned forward to press down on her calf, then her ankle, then her foot. She bit her lip as pain greeted her but she tried her best to ignore it because she was not weak. 

Elide reached over to gently carry her leg off from the pillows then set it down on the bed. When the wave of pain subsided, she eased her leg off of the bed and used her arms to lift up her body so she was sitting at the edge of the bed.

“You’re not useless” she whispered to herself as she slowly stood up from the bed, putting all her weight on her good leg while she kept her injured foot off the ground. She reached over to lean on the bedside table then made a small step forward. 

Her body wavered for a bit which made her clutch on to the bedside table for support. When a few seconds passed and when she was more stable, she made another step forward using her good leg. 

Elide studied the distance of the bed to the bathing chambers and decided that the most efficient way to get there was to hop on her good leg quickly then use her hands to land on the edge of the tub, where she could sit down. 

Elide let out a breath, trying to steady herself, then let go from the side table then hopped.

Thankfully, her body didn’t make too much noise as she struggled to cross the room. The last thing she wanted was to wake Lorcan from his sleep and have him mother hen her as he always did.

_It’s your fault you’re useless._

Suddenly the bathing room felt so far away.

She reached for the wall when she was halfway. Elide leaned against the wall and bit down on her lips to stop the cry which was forming on her throat. Tears were already starting to spill from her eyes but she refused to cry out. She took a deep breath then pushed herself away from the wall, intent on getting to the bathing room.

It’s only a few steps away. She suddenly felt so ridiculous, so useless that she couldn’t even walk a few steps on her own.

Elide decided to get it over with. She put down her injured foot and let it touch the ground.

= = = = = =

Lorcan reached over to Elide’s side of the bed, wanting to feel her warmth against his skin. 

Cold and empty sheets greeted his hand.

He opened his eyes groggily then bolted upright when he realized that Elide wasn’t beside him. He scanned the room and panicked when he didn’t see her in sight. 

“Elide?” His heart was pounding in his chest as he shot out of the bed and called her name, trying to push away the worried thoughts which were bombarding his mind. 

There was no sign of any intruder—their belongings were still in place, the windows were closed, the door was locked. It was also unlikely that someone took her in the middle of the night, since he would definitely have woken up if there was anyone else’s presence in the room. There was also the fact that he was attuned to every sound Elide made and would definitely have woken up at any distressed noise she’d make. 

His ears picked up the sound of water in the bathing room and he found himself running across the room to get there. 

“Elide” He exhaled in relief when he saw that she was there, but horror settled in him as he took her in. She was seated at the edge of the tub in just her undergarments, her hair and face damp, her sleeping gown pooled on the floor in front of her, her injured foot dangling and not elevated. Her brows were furrowed in frustration as she scrubbed a damp cloth furiously against her arms, leaving her skin pink from where she scrubbed. 

Lorcan approached her carefully then knelt in front of her, looking up at her as he gently took the cloth from her hand “What are you doing, love?”

“I need to be clean” she whispered, eyes not meeting his as she reached for the cloth again.

He nodded but ignored her hand as she tried to get the cloth from him. Lorcan’s hand clasped around her wrist and held out her arm. He let the damp cloth glide across her pale skin gently. Her eyes were vacant the entire time as he helped her wash up. When he was done washing her right arm, Lorcan brought the cloth to her other arm and looked up to study her face. 

He wasn’t able to help himself when he reached out to tuck her damp hair behind her ear then let his thumb graze her cheek, to wipe the tears that were starting to dry.

Elide held her breath and flinched from his touch.

His body went rigid and he pulled his hand back quickly.

Lorcan suddenly knew what happened. She only ever flinched from his touch when she woke up from a nightmare about Vernon or whatever horrors she faced at Morath.

“I’m sorry” He said as he pushed himself back and moved until he was a few steps away from her. He sat down on the bathing room floor then studied her as she trembled for a few seconds then proceeded to clean herself off. 

“I can do this on my own” she says quietly “I feel dirty and sticky so I need to clean up.”

“It’s okay, Elide. Go ahead.”

This made her look up from what she was doing then stared at him “I want a bath.”

Lorcan met her stare and didn’t look away despite him grappling for the right words “We both know you cannot yet, love. Yrene said your foot shouldn’t get wet yet. It’s just for a few days.”

“Okay.” Was all she said then proceeded to wipe the cloth against her neck, her chest, and stomach.

“It was just a dream” he reminded her gently “Don’t let him win.”

She nodded.

“You’re here, alive and free. I’m with you and I love you. Don’t let him win.”

“I won’t” she said in an exhale then put the cloth away when she was done. She looked at him and tried to give a smile “I’m okay now.”

Lorcan exhaled in relief to see her smile at him, no matter how small the smile was. He stood up then went over to the wardrobe and reached for a robe. He walked back to her and made to help her with it.

“Thank you” she whispered, but ignored his attempts to help her wear it. Instead, she took the robe from his hands and wore it on her own and tied the robe securely “You don’t have to baby me, I can do it.”

“I know you can…I just like helping you.”

Elide nodded then braced her arms against the edge of the tub so she can push herself up. But before she could stand on her feet, Lorcan already bent so he could scoop her into his arms. 

Elide would have usually protested but she didn’t want to push her luck with her foot. It’s been less than a day since Yrene finished working on her foot and she didn’t want the healer to have to redo her work just because she was being hard headed. 

Once she was settled on the bed and her leg was propped once more on top of the pillows, Lorcan went on over to his side then laid down, his arm propped so he was facing her.

“How did you go to the bathing room?” he asked carefully.

She shrugged “I hopped on my good leg.”

He bit his tongue, wanting to scold her for risking the healing process of her foot. But he knew how bad her nightmares were, how vulnerable they left her. The last thing she needed and wanted was a scolding.

“You could have woken me up, Elide.” he said softly instead.

“You were sleeping.”

His eyes bore into hers “If you need me, you tell me.”

“I don’t want to depend on you too much.” 

Lorcan blinked in the darkness, studying her face and turning over her words. “What was your nightmare about?”

Elide told him everything.

Every detail she could remember, every taunt, every word that Vernon said that bothered her.

She thought that she’d feel shame to say the words out loud, that she’d have to watch Lorcan’s face as he pitied her—or worse, agreed with Vernon’s insults and taunts. But she was glad that as she told her husband everything, it was only then that she slowly realized how silly Vernon’s insults were.

Elide knew in her heart that what he said about her wasn’t true. And it was so liberating that she came up with the conclusion on her own; that in the end, she truly didn’t believe in anything he said. 

Healing from his hurtful words and his abuse was a slow and long process. It wasn’t always linear too, since there are still times when he still he haunts her mind. 

But she was glad that despite his efforts earlier to scare her away or to make her doubt herself, she knew deep down that all of it wasn’t true.

What she was sure of was that she was a fighter who clawed her way to get free.

She was sure that even if she was an ordinary human girl, she had a good and fierce heart.

And she was sure of the male beside her and how much they loved each other. 

“All that he said about you was bullshit” Lorcan said, his eyes dark “I’ve never known anyone who is as strong as you.”

Elide scooted closer to him “I know. I had a moment of weakness when I let his words get to me but I know that everything that he said were lies. They mean nothing to me.”

Lorcan nodded, but kept his hands to himself despite how close she was to him. He didn’t want to risk it, especially with how she flinched from him earlier. “Good. Don’t ever believe whatever he has told you. His cruelty died along with him. You are the most loving person I know. You’ve helped people re-establish their lives and homes. You are strong, you’re free and you are loved by me and by many.”

She nodded “I know.”

“And I would never leave you. Remember my promise and my vows to you?”

“I will always find you” she whispered with a small smile. 

“I will always find you.” He repeated, his face solemn “I will find you if you get lost or if you lose yourself. I’ll be right beside you to help bring you out of whatever darkness you’re facing. If we pass onto the afterlife, I will find you even then. For as long as you want me to.”

= = = = = = =

Dorian got back to the castle a few hours past midnight.

He would have gotten back sooner if he shifted to a bird or anything that could fly, but he didn’t do that. He spent the entire night walking from the hill of wildflowers where Manon left him back to his castle.

It was a good way to clear his mind and he wanted time on his own anyways.

Being King didn’t really grant him much time to himself, especially since they’ve all been busy with rebuilding Rithfold and the rest of Adarlan for a year. He was just grateful that Chaol was there to work with him as Hand to the King. Otherwise, all the work and courtly duties would have driven him mad.

The few times that Manon visited the past year were also the few moments where he allowed to really enjoy himself. He loved spending time with her, teasing her and exchanging banter. He knew that despite not seeing her often, his feelings for her were deepening. His desire of having her as his Queen hasn’t changed. If anything, the desire only doubled over the year.

He never brought it up with Manon in any serious way though, knowing well that it was the last thing that was on her mind. Especially since she was still hurting from the yielding of her twelve, all while adjusting as Queen.

A marriage or any sort of serious relationship between them wasn’t as easy as he’d wish.

Even if Manon eventually healed over time, he didn’t even know if she felt for him what he felt for her. Sure, he knew that she cared for him. But until now, he didn’t know if that care was merely friendly concern or something deeper. Even though they still had their physical relationship, Manon never acted or showed that she wanted anything beyond pleasure.

Dorian supposed it was his own fault that he even entertained the idea of them in love and married. He knew from the start that it would be impossible for them to have what he wanted, but it never stopped him from hoping.

Once he reached the castle gates, the guards scrambled to open it for him—clearly shocked that he was walking home at such an hour.

“Thank you” he told them as they bowed “Would you happen to notice if Manon made it back here?”

The guards looked around then at themselves. One of them spoke “No, Your Majesty. Queen Manon nor her wyvern arrived tonight.”

He nodded, ignoring the pain that the statement brought “Do send word when she does.”

Dorian walked slowly as he passed the gardens, entered through the main door, and ascended the castle stairs. The entire time, he was looking out towards the garden—waiting to hear the flapping of Abraxos’ wings.

Even as he entered his bedroom he went over to his balcony—the one that overlooks the gardens, waiting for Manon to come back.

She didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo im back and barely made it through the first two weeks of online teaching! If any of you are wondering how it went, Elide's breakdown was inspired by the one I had at 3am :) :) :) To be fair, her breakdown wasn't entirely unplanned since it was part of the first draft i made. me crying at 3 to 4am last friday just reminded me that I had already written something similar and that i needed to include a vernon scene in this chapter lol. 
> 
> (side note: it has always bothered me that they didn't outright kill vernon. they just left him tied up to die if i remember correctly. my paranoid self was thinking that he'd come back and bite us all in the ass later BUT NO VERNON SHOULD BE DEAD.)
> 
> Anyways any guesses as to where Manon went???


	16. Chapter 16

Anger was still coursing through Manon’s body, not knowing exactly why it wasn’t going away. There was something about her conversation with Dorian that greatly unsettled and disturbed her but she wasn’t sure which part exactly.

She hated everything about their conversation on the damned field of flowers but she didn’t know the exact words that caused her too feel on edge despite the hours that have passed.

Manon knew she hated that Dorian had the nerve to bring up the names of her thirteen, but she was able to get over it after a while. In fact, she didn't want to admit it but hearing the names of her witches out loud comforted her. She was just mad that he used them as a bait to get a reaction from her. She was a Queen and she refused to be used as a pawn to whatever game Dorian was playing. 

But as she replayed their conversation in her head for the nth time, she finally realized the words that sent her flying away, not wanting to turn around and go back.

_“I just want to help.”_

_“Why?” she demanded._

_“I already told you this a year ago. I care about you.”_

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. _Humans and their emotions._ Nothing good often came out of caring for others. Emotions easily clouds judgement and could be used against you. 

Manon only ever truly cared for twelve other witches and look where that got her. She refused to ever feel that pain again. Especially over someone who was mortal—who would only be alive for an insignificant amount of years compared to the hundreds of years that she would face. 

Manon debated for a while if she should head back to The Wastes, but decided against it. It didn’t feel right to leave Elide so abruptly. Especially after how Lorcan left things with her. Elide still might need somebody to help her get through the healing procedure. And fine, Manon admits that she actually missed the witchling and enjoyed her company too.

But if she went back to the castle, she wouldn’t be able to avoid Dorian. Knowing him, he probably already had guards stationed around the city, ready to send word the moment she arrives in Rithfold.

So she ended up not going to either The Wastes or Ritfhfold. 

At this point, Manon wasn’t sure how long she and Abraxos have been flying. And frankly, she didn’t particularly care. 

The last order she gave her wyvern was to either keep flying or to land somewhere safe where they could sleep in the meantime. She can decide where to go next once she has slept. 

Abraxos nodded but didn’t turn around to look at her. 

Exhaustion weighed on her like a thick blanket, so Manon ignored the cold shoulder Abraxos was giving her. She leaned against his body and allowed herself to close her eyes, the cool wind sending her into sleep. 

= = = = = =

The sun was already shining brightly, which made Dorian groan then throw his arm around his face to cover his eyes from the brightness. His body was exhausted from spending the entire night walking home and from him staying up until dawn broke waiting for Manon’s return. He waited for her the entire time despite how drained he was from the events of their evening. 

Usually, he was already up and moving before seven am. But with the brightness and heat of the sun, he knew it was way past his usual routine. He was glad that neither his guards nor Chaol knocked on his door and forced him out of bed. 

He knew that Manon was annoyed, even slightly mad, but Dorian didn’t think that she would just leave as easily as she did just because he tried reaching out to her.

Dorian wasn’t sure which was worse: being at the receiving end of her anger or her absence.

He supposed it was definitely the latter. Her absence was worse because he would never be certain of the next time he would be able to see Manon again. That’s if she ever planned to show her face to him ever. 

Despite Manon being thrice as terrifying when angry, some part of him always got excited when she released her anger. She always acted so indifferent towards everything, so witnessing her fuming always felt like he got to understand her more deeply. 

Dorian groaned once more then shifted to his side, his arm reaching for one of the pillows. He used it to cover his eyes and ears the moment he heard footsteps and the sound of a cane at the other side of his door. 

“Dorian” Chaol called out then knocked. 

He ignored him. Hoping that his best friend will think that he was still sleeping or that he’d take the hint and realize that he just wanted a morning to himself. They didn’t have any scheduled meetings with the lords and council anyways. The rest of his duties can wait until the afternoon. 

“Dorian” Chaol said again, this time opening the door and entering the room “Lorcan offered to train the guards again. They’re all in the field now. You might want to join us.”

He kept his body still, his breathing steady and the pillow still thrown over his face. 

“I know you’re awake.”

Dorian said nothing.

“Who’s that? Is that Abraxos I hear?”

“Not funny.” he replied, then sent the pillow flying to the other end of the room—hitting Chaol’s chest.

Chaol threw the pillow back at Dorian then walked over to him. “I wasn’t kidding when I said Lorcan was training the guards.”

“And the Lady?”

“Yrene gave her today as a rest day. She’s out in the field watching them train. She’s also playing with Josefina.” Chaol said then eyed him cautiously “Do you want to talk about what happened or would you prefer to clear your head and exhaust yourself through training?”

Dorian sat up then squinted at him “Give me time to get dressed.”

========

Elide was beyond grateful that Yrene gave her the entire day to rest. The past two days were starting to take a toll on her physically and mentally, so a whole day of rest was a much needed reprieve. 

At first, Elide was looking forward to the lazy morning that her husband enticed her with the night before. But Vernon showing up in her dreams ruined any chance of sleep or comfortable rest she could get. Elide needed a change of setting, to feel the sun and wind on her face again before she went mad. 

That’s why she practically begged then demanded for Lorcan and Yrene to allow her outside even just for the morning. Elide was starting to associate their room with the excruciating pain from her ankle and the nightmares that all came along with the healing process.

Before Yrene could give any go signal, she examined her foot first to determine if it was okay for Elide to go out. This led to the healer scolding the Lady’s ear off when she saw the swelling in Elide’s foot. Yrene knew that she must have not followed one of the protocols she gave and was beyond livid when Elide explained that she used her foot to walk to the bathing chambers. Elide didn’t bother explaining that she did it mostly because of the nightmare she had.

“You should be grateful that it’s only swelling” Yrene said, exasperated “Your newly healed bones could have gave out! Your stitches might have opened! We would have to start all over and you'd endure all the pain again!”

Elide sat there, allowing Yrene to continue scolding her for her brash actions. She completely understood Yrene’s frustration because she knew that her actions could have brought on more complications. It would work in no one's favor if the condition of her injury worsened.

It was also doubly embarrassing since Lorcan seemed to enjoy himself as he watched the healer get mad at his wife. Elide just glared at him when he chose to remain silent, hiding a smile the entire time because he agreed with everything Yrene said. 

After Yrene’s rant, she begrudgingly gave Elide permission to spend the day outside the room provided that she remain in a wheelchair the entire time with her foot elevated. 

It was either that or Lorcan carried her around. 

She didn’t want to push her luck by refusing the wheelchair.

Elide stared out the field, watching Lorcan’s movements as he taught the guards different techniques for hand to hand combat. Elide was glad that Lorcan listened to her suggestion that he continue training the guards for that morning just like how he did the day before. 

She always loved watching him train. Even back when she and Lorcan were merely acquaintances who tolerated each other for their own agendas, she always found herself fixated on his arms and chest. It always drew out the want for her to reach out and touch him. And now that they were married, she loved that she could just openly stare and touch him affectionately.

She never had to hide her glances or look away since Lorcan was very much aware of his effect on her and he loved the attention his wife gave. 

Lorcan must have felt her eyes on him because he glanced up from his work to look at her then gave her a wink. 

She rolled her eyes but felt her cheeks heat nonetheless. Before Elide could be overcome with desire, she refocused her attention to the baby girl who was playing on her lap.

“Josefina, look at your papa” Elide cooed and pointed to Chaol who looked like he was concentrating hard on Lorcan’s every movement. Dorian was beside him but he looked distracted, like his mind was elsewhere.

Josefina didn’t turn around to look at her father but was staring up at Elide instead. 

This warmed Elide’s heart “You’re truly so adorable. Do you like the sound of my voice? I think you do, I think you do.” 

The child giggled then pressed her cheek to Elide’s chest. 

Elide’s smile widened as she ran soothing strokes against Josefina’s back. 

“I should steal you away and bring you to Perranth with us” she whispered to Josefina then gave a quick peck on her forehead.

“That can be arranged. I can distract Chaol and Yrene while you run away wih her.” Dorian said, breaking away from the Chaol and the guards, and settling beside Elide and Josefina “It will be a matter of time before they make another baby anyway.”

She laughed at that “Perranth will love her. We have lots of children in the city, she’d have so many friends.”

“I have no doubt about that. Everyone in this castle is in love with Josefina, I’m sure the people of Perranth would be too if she visited.” Dorian said, bending down on one knee so he could tickle Josefina’s tummy. The baby curled to its side and giggled. 

Elide smiled at the sight of the King of Adarlan playing with Josefina. Dorian always looked so regal, so bright and wise for someone so young. She supposed it was the burden of bearing the crown that always made him look older than he really was, but right now he almost looked his age.

“It’s good that you were allowed out” Dorian started “I can’t imagine how painful the procedure must have been. I’d go mad if I were just to remain bedridden the entire time. I would need a distraction.”

“I was close to losing my wits and it’s only been a few days. I needed a change in scenery.” she admitted.

Dorian looked down to stare at Elide’s leg. He was going to ask how she was doing but he suddenly remembered when he asked the exact same question to Manon and how she ended up throttling him to the ground. 

“Did you enjoy the books?” he asked, settling for that question instead “I was glad that Lorcan asked to see the library.”

She beamed “I did actually, Lorcan and I read a few last night. Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure. I love books and I love lending it to friends too.” he said “Do let me know if you want to borrow more.”

Elide blushed but nodded “Thank you.”

Their conversation was cut short when Josefina started wriggling out of Elide’s hold, her brows furrowed and lips trembling. 

“Oh no. Please don’t cry.” Elide said, worried. The last time Josefina cried, Yrene was there to get her. But her mother was still busy and she wouldn’t know how to soothe her if she didn’t stop crying. 

Josefina looked up at her, eyes watering and lips still trembling. 

Dorian tried to keep the child distracted by letting his invisible hands play with her hair, but this seemed to have agitated her further.

“It’s okay” Elide said softly, rubbing her back when she let out a soft cry “Your mama’s just getting something. She’ll be back soon.”

"She was fine a while ago!" Dorian laughed in disbelief "Our attention was drawn away from her for seconds and she's already upset."

Josefina wasn’t having it, soon enough she was crying harder and flailing in Elide’s arms. Dorian tried to reach for her to pick her up, but the child just shrieked louder. 

This caught the attention of all the men who were training and Chaol immediately went rushing to his daughter. 

Chaol gave a rueful smile towards Elide and bent to pick up Josefina. 

“Shhhh what’s the matter, princess?” Chaol murmured as he cradled her. The moment his daughter was in Chaol’s arms, her crying started to pacify. Seconds later, Josefina rested her cheek against his chest and started babbling soon enough.

Dorian chuckled under his breath “Papa’s girl.”

Elide smiled at that, briefly reminded of the time when her father used to carry her around and play with her in their garden. She ignored the twinge of longing and pain it brought. 

She cleared her throat, feeling it getting tighter. Elide made a conscious glance towards Dorian, not wanting him to see the shift in her mood. But she saw the same longing written on his face as he stared at his best friend with his daughter, which he quickly masked. 

This made Elide glance toward the space where Abraxos was staying the other day, just realizing now that it was empty. And that Manon hasn’t shown herself yet.

“Where is Manon?” Elide asked.

This made both Chaol and Dorian turn to look at her, their body stiff. Dorian replied after a beat “I don’t know.”

“Oh. Was she not with you last night?”

“She was.” he said then looked away “She left.”

Her eyes widened at that “What? She didn’t tell me she was leaving. She would have said goodbye.”

“I suggest not to take it personally, Lady Elide. This wouldn’t be the first time.”

Elide’s brows furrowed in confusion as she tried to understand. She studied Dorian but he just looked away. 

“Are you okay?” she asked him, even if it was clear that he was probably not. But still, she wanted to know how he was feeling. It was her way of offering a listening ear if Dorian needed one.

Dorian gave a small smile “No, Lady Elide, I’m not.”

“If you need someone to listen or talk to, I’m here” Elide offered, her voice gentle “Manon is someone we both care about.”

He nodded, considering her words “Thank you. I’ll let you know.”

“El” Lorcan called out, walking towards them. It looked like he allowed the rest of the men to finally rest since all of them were either sitting down or lying on the field. As Lorcan drew closer, he noted the slight frown on his wife’s face and immediately, his eyes darting between her and Dorian “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head “Manon left.”

Lorcan nodded, trying to to dissect this information. He regarded Dorian to see what they meant exactly but from the look on his face, he realized that the witch and the king probably had a disagreement which caused her to leave. 

If this made Elide upset, he would weigh the cost of offering to track Manon and bring her back. But he doesn’t like the idea of leaving Elide behind—

“I’m sorry” Dorian started, giving an apologetic smile “I knew that you two were enjoying each other’s company and I ruined it.”

“What do you mean? What happened?”

He scratched the back of his head “I tried to get her to talk to me but she got mad—to put it lightly.”

This made Lorcan huff out a laugh and look at Elide “I can see why you’re friends.”

“Manon will come back. She probably just got overwhelmed.” Elide told Dorian, after smacking Lorcan’s arm for the remark he made “I know she’ll be back.” 

But Dorian remembered the fury on Manon’s face.

_“Don’t expect to ever see me again if you plan on crossing more lines.”_ she told him.

He doubted that she’ll come back anytime soon, if at all.

But the woman in front of him said that she will, with such conviction that Dorian couldn’t even find it in him to disagree with her. So he just gave a smile.

= = = = = = 

All of them had just finished lunch when Lorcan told them that he received a letter all the way from Orynth that requested him to retrieve a tonic for Rowan. He said that the specific tonic he needed could only be found in Rithfold and that Lorcan wanted to do the task while it was Elide’s day of rest, so he wouldn’t have to leave her alone for the coming days when the procedure will continue. After he requested the guards to keep Elide safe, he left immediately for the city so he could return at once. 

Chaol and Yrene wanted to spend the afternoon catching up on sleep since the healer needed to rest and prepare herself for another session of healing, and Chaol wanted some time alone with his family.

This led to Dorian offering to keep Elide company by giving her a tour around the castle grounds, remembering that she wanted to spend time outside of her and Lorcan’s chambers. 

Dorian also decided that he wanted to take Elide up on her offer to talk. He’s been wanting to get to know her better and Manon’s sisterly affection towards the Lady definitely made him all the more want to befriend her.

It was already late in the afternoon when Dorian found himself in the castle’s garden— his magical hands pushing Elide in her wheelchair while he walked beside her.

“What’s a favorite book of yours?” Dorian asked casually, deciding that talking about books was a great way for him to get to know her better. Favorite genres, authors, and stories can tell so much about a person.

Elide didn’t look up at him and tried to hide the blush creeping into her cheeks “I’m not sure...I haven’t read plenty of books yet to know what my favorites are.”

“Then what are the books that you liked so far?”

She kept her gaze on the flowers “Right now I’m enjoying children’s storybooks. Mostly because those are the only kinds that I can manage to read on my own.”

Dorian looked at her, trying to understand what she meant. 

“I’m not sure if Manon or anyone else told you but I never learned to read or write until the war was over.”

Dorian suddenly recalled how the Lady was locked up and kept prisoner since she was a child. He felt stupid. He wished Manon told him this or mentioned it in passing. Dorian suddenly felt so embarrassed to have made Elide feel ashamed or insecure especially since it was the last thing he wanted her to feel. “I apologize, I didn’t know.”

"It's okay, really."

“It’s great though that you’re learning. It’s never too late to learn new things and to fall in love with books. Others definitely wouldn’t have bothered.”

She smiled “Yes, I had to learn as much as I can and as quickly as I could though because of my job. It’s hard to be Lady of Perranth when I can’t even read my own correspondence. That’s why I’m really lucky to have Lorcan with me. He’s helped so much in running the city and he’s the one who has been teaching me the past year how to read and write.”

Dorian tried to picture the warrior Lorcan teaching Elide. The idea fascinated him and he definitely would have wanted to witness that. 

“That’s very sweet of him” he found himself saying with a smile “Manon often jokes that the male is whipped but I find it endearing.”

Him mentioning Manon made Elide look up to study him “I meant it when I offered to listen, you know. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly happened last night?”

This time it was Dorian’s turn to avoid her gaze by staring at the flowers. It took him a while before he replied “I know how much Manon is hurting. It’s been a year already but I can feel her pain which is as strong as the first day. I never brought it up, knowing she’d talk about it if she’s ready.”

“But she hasn’t?”

He shook his head “No."

“So you finally tried to get her to talk to you last night? That’s why she got mad.”

“Mad? I wish. You should have seen her last night, she was furious. She tackled me on the ground. For a second, I was scared that she was seriously going to hurt me.”

Elide blinked at that. She suddenly remembered her first encounter with Manon at Morath. She clearly remembered how violent she became towards her witches when they questioned her. If she was able to act that way to the witches closest to her, she could only imagine how furious and physical she got towards Dorian.

Elide bit her lip, debating if she should tell the King how much Manon has shared about how she was feeling. She wanted to help ease his worry towards her and to help him understand what was going through Manon’s mind. But she knew that Dorian might also get hurt if he knew how much Manon has confided in her, then acted so aggressive towards him for trying. 

Lorcan expressed how jealous he got when Elide opened up to Manon instead of him, so she worried that Dorian might feel the same jealousy.

Her silence made him look at her “What’s on your mind, Lady?”

“How did you approach the topic?” she settled for that question instead.

“I tried easing it in our conversation. We were talking comfortably before I brought it up. The moment I asked how she was doing, she immediately started clamming up.”

“Ah.” Elide could definitely imagine that happening. Frankly, she was surprised that Manon even expressed her sorrows to her to begin with “When Manon was with me during the day, she witnessed me at a very emotional and vulnerable state. Me and Lorcan got into a fight and I was dealing with my own unresolved insecurities. Manon helped in keeping me grounded. That’s when we both realized that we understand each other because we’re going through similar things.”

This made him stop in his tracks and look down at her, his eyes wide “You mean to tell me that you got Manon to talk to you?”

She smiled sheepishly “Yes” 

“Elide Lochan, you really are something else. You must possess some magic if you got her to do so.” He said as he ran a hand through his hair “ _Gods_ , I wish I was there.” 

“Well to be fair, I didn’t make her do or say anything. She just started talking on her own.”

He blinked down at her, dumbfounded. He couldn’t possibly imagine Manon tolerating heart-felt conversation, much more _initiating_ it. 

He really couldn’t. 

But as Dorian thought more about it, it made sense for her to open up to someone who understood her, who was going through the same pain of loss. Of course, Dorian was still hurting and felt so much guilt over what happened with Sorscha and his father but he never talked about it with Manon. Chaol was the only one who he cried and talked to about all that. 

He realized that he was being unfair. He pushed Manon to talk about her own grief and loss when he didn’t even consider that maybe she didn’t want to because she thought he wouldn’t understand. 

Perhaps it was his cheery pretenses that made him the last person Manon wanted to open up to. He was happy when he was with her, yes, but he too was still healing from all the death and loss that the war has brought upon everyone. He just avoided any serious conversation assuming that it was the last thing Manon wanted to hear. 

"I like you, Lochan." he said with a smile "I can see why my witchling speaks very highly of you."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just needed some elorcan fluff to get by. enjoy!!!

It was already past supper time but Lorcan has not made his way back to the castle yet.

Though she tried her best to suppress her worry over his safety, Elide was starting to become antsy. She wished she could go looking for him on her own or atleast send someone to check on him. But she wasn’t in Perranth. She didn’t have authority over anyone in the castle for her to ask people to go and search for her Lorcan. 

Dorian noticed her worry progress as the hours passed and offered to have one of his men go to the city to check on him.

Elide declined at first, not wanting to trouble his men. Lorcan did say that he would need the entire afternoon to do his errand. Given Lorcan’s powers and strength, it was also highly unlikely that something bad happened to him. 

But it was already evening and he hasn’t arrived yet which didn’t help help her nerves. Her imagination was running wild over the possibilities of why he hasn't made it back yet. 

After they all had supper, Elide finally accepted Dorian’s offer to have someone look for him.

As Dorian and Chaol were instructing their guards on where to look for her husband, the main doors of the castle swung open and Lorcan walked inside. Everyone’s head swung in his direction, eyeing him and checking if he was alright. 

He looked unscathed. His face was calm—if a bit tired, his posture and walk was fine, no scratches or wounds on his body.

“Lorcan” Elide exhaled in relief then pushed the wheels of her chair hurriedly to meet him.

Lorcan's eyes roamed her body to make sure that Elide was okay, then moved swiftly to meet her halfway. He bent down to envelope her in a hug and Elide wrapped her arms around his neck. She tried to stand up from the wheelchair so Lorcan got a hold of her waist and carried her in his arms to make it easier for her. 

“I’m sorry I’m late” he whispered against her hair “The errand took longer than usual.”

She smacked his chest “I was filled with worry the entire day! We were going to send out guards to look for you.”

This made Lorcan look up and take in their surroundings. Indeed, a few of Dorian’s men were lined up in the foyer and were staring at them. Chaol and Dorian both looked relieved at his arrival and slightly amused at the sight of him and Elide clinging to each other. As if they haven’t seen each other for the longest time. 

“My apologies” he said towards the King and his second “I didn’t expect the errand to take this long. You can cancel the search party.”

Dorian nodded and smiled “We’re glad you’re back safe. Lady Elide was beside herself with worry.”

“I was about to go out and look for you myself" Elide said, burying her face in the crook of his neck "Yrene would have definitely dragged me back by the ear and kept me chained to the bed for the following days.” 

“I’m sorry” he whispered again then kissed her cheek “I’ll explain what happened later. I was also able to get you something that will hopefully make up for my absence.”

Dorian cleared his throat and faced his guards. “Well since Lord Lorcan is already here you can all head back to your stations. Thank you.” 

The men nodded and left the hall. 

Elide—who was still being carried in her husband’s arms, said her thanks to Dorian for staying with her the entire day. The King of Adarlan smiled and thanked her too for the pleasure of her company. After bidding each other good night, they all walked back to their own rooms. 

“I rather like being welcomed like this” Lorcan mused, as he carried his small wife back to their room “It makes me feel important.”

“You are important. You’re my husband.” She said, playfully jabbing a finger to his chest “I would wreak havoc if something happened to you.”

This made him laugh out loud “I have no doubts about that, I would love to see you avenge me. Perhaps I should orchestrate my kidnapping.”

“Brute.”

He laughed again then looked down to study her closely “How was your day?”

“It was pleasant except for the part where I was worrying about you. I had Dorian keep me company. We talked a great deal.”

“Any news about Manon?”

She shook her head “No, not yet. Dorian and I were able to bond over her though. I’m glad that we were able to talk. He cares for her deeply and I’m glad that I was able to offer insight.”

He smiled down at her "Look at my wise wife, offering love advice to a King."

"Don't patronize me" she said, poking his chest again "I give great advice. I also shared some wisdom to Manon the other day."

Lorcan smiled to himself. Elide did give great advice. Everyone always felt drawn to her and found themselves sharing personal things with her. 

Now she was sharing wisdom to the King of Adarlan and Queen of the Crochans. 

His wife really was a force to be reckoned with. 

When they reached the door to their room, Lorcan paused before going inside. He remembered how Elide explained to him and Yrene that she wanted to go out of the room because the space made her feel stifled after everything that has happened the past few days “Are you okay with going back inside?”

Elide nodded sleepily “I am actually. I’m ready to lie in bed.”

Lorcan reached over to turn the knob and led them inside their chambers, going over to the bed to gently set Elide down. He reached for the pillows and stacked them to keep Elide’s injured leg elevated. Once she was settled, he removed the satchel from his body and set it down on the foot of the bed.

He quickly washed up and changed into a clean shirt and linen pants in the bathing room. Lorcan tried to distract himself from how nervous to show the gift he brought for Elide. He wasn’t a hundred percent certain of how she would react.

When he padded out back to the bedroom, Elide’s eyes were already starting to droop. She tried to keep them open though as she watched Lorcan move around the room and settle on his side of the bed, clutching his satchel. 

“How was the rest of your day?” she asked after yawning.

He shrugged “Uneventful. The city is doing well but you weren’t with me so it looked dull without you in it.”

“I’m still not used to you saying things like that” she said, rolling her eyes “It’s so unlike you.”

“Then maybe I should say things like that more often. Gods know that I mean it.”

Elide stuck out her tongue to him which made him smile, amused.

“Are you nervous for tomorrow?” he asked seriously this time, his hand reaching for hers “I know the past days haven’t been easy on you.”

She shrugged “I’m dreading the pain and the possibility of another nightmare. But I’m also looking forward to getting this over with so I’m just trying to think of that.”

“I’ll be with you the entire time, for as long as you want me to.” He promised, squeezing her hand.

"Thank you" She smiled, her heart warming at the sincerity “I'm sorry in advance if I act unpleasant tomorrow or the following days.”

He nodded "No need to apologize. I'll understand."

“I wish I could do more to make all this bearable for you.” he said then reached over for his satchel, rummaging through its contents “Chaol found this when we went to the library the other day. I knew you would have wanted to see it so I asked if I could borrow it. I thought that maybe seeing this will make it easier for you to go through the next days of healing.”

He pulled out a thick yellowish parchment. The edges were browning which made Elide realize that it was old.

Elide frowned in confusion as Lorcan handed her the rolled up parchment. She eyed him curiously then focused her attention on the paper in her hands. 

“Open it” he said encouragingly, his fingers twitching. She wasn’t sure if he was excited or nervous, or perhaps both. 

This made her curiosity double and had her scrolling it open.

Elide wasn’t sure what exactly she was expecting to see but it wasn’t _this._

She gasped softly as the faces of her parents stared back at her, both of them smiling and looking completely happy. They both looked so young in the image, probably in their early twenties. Her father had his long and wavy hair down, making him look more handsome and rugged than she remembered. Her mother’s long black hair and soft features startled Elide because of how much she saw herself in her. 

She blinked at the artwork of them, trying to process what she was feeling. Seeing their faces took her completely by surprise so it was a few seconds before she could say anything.

“It’s mama and papa” Elide said fondly, her fingers tracing the artwork “They look so young and beautiful. I sometimes forget how they look like exactly but seeing this made me remember clearly.”

Elide was too moved by seeing the faces of her parents that she didn’t notice the third person in the picture. Lorcan reached over and pointed out the baby that was in her mother’s arms. 

Tears started to form as she studied the dark hair of the child and its light complexion. Elide looked up from the artwork to smile at Lorcan “It’s me.”

His eyes were filled with so much emotion as he nodded “That’s you.”

She looked down at the artwork again and traced her fingers over their faces once more.

“This is the only time I’m going to agree with something Aelin says” Lorcan started, studying the picture too “But she was right when she said how much you look like your mother.”

She laughed, despite her trying to fight back her tears “I didn’t even realize it until now.”

Elide wished that she could take the artwork home with them, wanting to frame it and hang it in their living room. But Lorcan did mention that he found it in Dorian’s library, which meant it was Adarlan’s property. After graciously and generously accommodating them into his castle, she’d feel too embarrassed to ask Dorian if she could have this. He already gave them so much in the few days they’ve been here. 

“Thank you for showing this to me” Elide said to her husband eventually, after she memorized every detail in the artwork. Since it was unlikely that she would be going home with the picture, she wanted it ingrained in her memory. 

Lorcan put his arm around her then kissed the top of her head “I know how much you miss them. I wanted you to see this and remember your family as one that is filled with love and happiness.”

She leaned up to kiss him “Thank you. I needed this.”

Lorcan held her close, finding comfort at the feeling of her warm body close to his. As she leaned her head against his chest and looked at the picture again, he decided to finally give her his real gift.

“I know that the healing has been difficult.” he started, his hand running comforting strokes down her arm “You’re being forced to endure the pain of having your bones being broken apart and remade, all while facing inner wounds too. It kills me to see how agonizing it is for you and I wish there was a way for me to take it away, to shield you from all this pain.”

“I thought of getting you this.” Lorcan said softly as he pulled out a small box from the pocket of his pants and placed it in her hand. Elide’s breath caught in her throat as she held the box, and looked up at him in surprise. She opened the box immediately and let out a small gasp as she took in the silver necklace with a heart as a pendant on the center.

Elide stared at the necklace in wonder and surprise, completely caught off guard once more by the gesture. “It’s beautiful” she murmured, her fingers tracing the delicate carvings that decorated the heart.

“I know it’s not much and it wouldn’t really ease the pain of what you’re going through. But I got it to remind you of how beautiful your heart is despite all that you’ve endured. It takes a great amount of strength and resilience for you to be as compassionate, kind, and loving as you are even when the world hasn’t always been kind to you. You’re the strongest woman I know and I fall in love with you every day because of it.”

Her throat bobbed and a sob finally escaped her throat as his words settled over her. She looked up at him, tears still in her eyes “I love it.”

“I love you” he replied as his fingers brushed away the tears that were falling on her cheeks.

“Open it” Lorcan said softly after a while “It’s a locket, there’s something inside.”

She smiled sheepishly, feeling silly for being emotional over a necklace when the real surprise was inside. Elide clasped the lock and carefully opened it, revealing her family’s portrait. It was identical to the one Lorcan showed her on the parchment, but much smaller so that it fit into the locket. 

He must have brought the portrait with him so he could have a smaller version made to fit perfectly inside the heart.

“Is this what kept you busy the entire afternoon?” she asked breathlessly.

He nodded “I had to ask around and look for an artist to get the job done. Of course recreating the portrait took time too because of the intricate details.”

“So your errand for Rowan’s tonic…?”

“I made it up.” he said a bit sheepish “May I?”

Lorcan reached over to get the necklace from her hands so he could help her wear it. He swept her hair to the side as he placed the necklace around her neck, then locked it into place. “I never knew your father or your mother but from how much you love and miss them, I have no doubts that they were perfect parents to you. Even the people of Perranth still talk about them and grieve for them until now. I know that I could never replace what they were to you nor can I fill the hole that their absence has left in your heart, but I do hope that this gift will remind you that you are loved.”

Elide sat sill, closing her eyes and biting her lip to stop the fresh wave of sobs that left her. Elide knew that she should say more, thank him endlessly, but she couldn’t find her voice. She was too overwhelmed by everything he was doing. Lorcan was never really good with words. He usually showed his love through actions. But hearing him speak from his heart and knowing that he went out of his way for this was too much for her.

Her hand rested on the heart pendant that now lay at her chest. 

“This way, you can easily open the heart and look at them when you miss them. Even with your parents gone, you’ll always have a piece of them with you. I hate that your nightmares make you feel alone and forgotten, and I wish you never have to feel that way ever. But if there will be dark days when you do end up feeling that way, I hope that this locket will remind you that you aren’t.”

“Lorcan” she rasped, her throat tight. Elide was struck speechless. 

"Whatever pain and nightmares you face tomorrow or in the coming days, I want you to hold the heart and remember that the pain is temporary. Your parents' love for you and _my_ love for you will always remain."

Her mind was completely scattered as she scrambled for something—anything else to say.

“It’s too much.” she murmured, her voice weak.

Elide must have took forever to say something more and her face must have shown how overwhelmed she was because Lorcan was already frowning, starting to worry that the gift was a mistake “Too much? I could take it back, have the picture removed—”

But his panic was cut short when Elide threw her hands around his neck and pulled him down towards her. She sobbed into the crook of his neck while reciting a litany of _thank yous_ and _i love yous._

Lorcan exhaled in relief, beyond glad that she seemed to love his gift, and held her. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her back and kissed the top of her head as she wept. 

When Elide's tears have subsided and her mind was clearer, she pressed her lips against his neck, then trailed kisses from his neck going upward to the back of his ear, his temple, then his lips. “I love you, Lorcan. So much.”

He leaned in to kiss her “And I, you.”

“Lorcan, really. I don’t know what to say. I can’t put to words how much I love this. Thank you.”

He wiped away the tears from her cheeks and smiled “You’re welcome.”

Elide’s fingers traced his face while she smiled fondly “I think this is the sweetest and most romantic thing you’ve done so far. You rendered me speechless for a while there.” 

“I like how you said ‘so far’” he laughed softly, his fingers playing with her hair “like you know that I’m going to romance you again.”

“After that speech you gave me about how much you love me, i now know how whipped you are. I’m not going to expect anything less.” 

“I’ll make it my life’s mission to top this and to top the next ones that top this. Prepare yourself to be romanced.”

Elide smiled widely then pulled him down to meet her lips once more.

She kissed him softly, lovingly, letting her kisses show how much she loved him when words failed to describe what his gesture meant to her. He kissed her back with the same gentleness, loving the soft feel of her lips against his. His hands gripped her waist as he positioned himself above her, while also being mindful enough not to move her other leg.

Lorcan’s tongue grazed her lips, asking for entrance, which she granted. Her hands combed through the strands of his hair as she deepened the kiss, which caused him to moan against her mouth. She bit down on his bottom lip, knowing well that it drew out a primal part of him that always had him pinning her down and having his wicked way with her.

But instead of him doing what she expected, he pulled away from their kiss, moving his lips to leave kisses against her jaw then her neck. He murmured against her skin "We have to stop."

“Don’t stop.” she demanded, breathless. Goosebumps rose on Elide’s arms when he sucked on the sensitive skin of her throat. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of his lips on her and his hand moving from her waist up to cup her breast.

Her fingers worked to unlace the strings on the front of her dress when his hands grabbed hers “Don't.”

She shook his hand away and continued unlacing her dress.

“Elide, love, it’s taking all my restraint to say this but we can’t.” he gritted out as he sat up.

“Why?” Elide asked, confused and huffing out in frustration “I want to show just how much I love you and your gift.”

He laughed, despite how painful the strain in his pants was “I already asked Yrene about this. She said it’s safer to abstain.”

“What?” she demanded, eyes wide.

“I asked her if sex was safe while the healing procedure began. She discourages it for the first week as a precaution. We might get too caught up that we end up hurting your leg by accident.” he explained, apologetic.

Elide blinked, not believing what she was hearing. _An entire week?_ “But I won’t use my bad leg. It’s still propped here look.” she motioned at her leg which was indeed still elevated on the pillows. “Being married to you has made me more flexible, I’m sure we can find a position and rhythm that’s safe.”

Lorcan’s eyes darkened at the mention of her flexibility because she has indeed become more adaptable and adventurous when it came to their physical relationship. But he tried to reign in the fire that was going through his body and let reason win over the lust that was starting to cloud his brain. “Elide, I love how much you hate this and that you’re determined for us to make love but I’m sorry. Let’s listen to Yrene’s advice please. Unless of course you want her to give another sermon again.”

“But I’ll be lying down, all you have to do is take me! My leg will be fine.”

“Elide, I want you to think back to all of the times I had my way with you.” he said, his voice like gravel as memories of their lovemaking came to mind “Even when you were just lying down, I’ve always left you in a state where your legs are weak and trembling. So I’m afraid that we can’t do this yet as to not interfere with the healing of your leg and foot. Okay?”

“A week?” she dead-panned after a while.

He nodded “More or less. It depends on how your leg progresses.”

She stared at him for a beat, waiting for him to say he was kidding and go back to ravishing her. But he just stared back at her, his hands clenched in fists at his side.

“Fine.” she said eventually, her brows still furrowed in frustration which made Lorcan laugh.

“You should sleep now, you had a long day. I'm sure all that crying made you tired too.” Lorcan said then leaned in to press a chaste kiss to her lips. He went to lie down beside her “Good night.”

Despite how hot her body still felt, Elide held the heart pendant and found herself smiling “Good night.”

Lorcan reached over to blow out the candles on the side table, feeling the exhaustion of his day weighing down on him already.

As he lay on his side and watched Elide and listened to the steady breathing of his wife, she whispered “Lorcan?”

“Hm?”

“I want to be wearing nothing but this necklace when you ravish me next week.”

The exhaustion that he started to feel earlier was instantly gone. 

Lorcan groaned then stood up to go to the bathing chambers. 

Elide smiled knowingly when she listened to him dump water on himself.

"I'd gladly help with that, just say the word." she called out teasingly "I love you."

"You'll make up for this next week." was all he said.

"I'm looking forward to it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i meant for this to be wholesome fluff but alas it just had to take a naughty turn over at the end because i know!! that this couple!! is also!!! kinky!! i'm manifesting a TOG novella where we aren't deprived of elorcan smut!!!
> 
> anyways i know it's taking me forever to post an update w Manon but i'm so drained from work that I can only manage to write cutesy stuff. that also why i didn't go straight into the healing again because it really takes up emotional and mental strength, which i honestly do not have as of the moment. BUT I PROMISE! I will do my best to address the Manon situation & continue Elide's physical healing aspect of the story in the next chapter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness happy 4k hits!!! I’m beyond elated by this milestone. I’ve mentioned this multiple times but this fic is my escapism and I’ve been projecting a lot of my own grief and heartbreak here, so it means so so much that a lot of you are reading and enjoying this! I hope that this story has also provided an escape for you, made you reflect on your own healing journeys, and / or inspired you in any way. 
> 
> Big thank you for those who have made me feel extra loved through the comments! I feel like I’ve gained new friends because of our interactions ❤️(s/o to dayana_cahill_fray_chase i feel like we are dear friends already 🥰). I do hope I get to talk to more of you because I’m seriously trash for elorcan and I don’t have friends who read TOG so I’m just here releasing my feels to strangers on the internet haha.
> 
> Anyways, to celebrate the 4k hits, here is a longer than usual chapter (with 4k words lol) that features our two queens !!!

The strong winds were whooshing past Manon, blowing her hair in all directions, her body was stiff from fear and her throat felt like it dropped to her stomach. 

Manon was falling. 

She didn’t even know where she was falling _from_ or what awaited her at the bottom since she didn’t look down.

Panic was rising in her chest, making it more and more painful as she gasped for air. Manon reached up her hand desperately, trying to get a hold of something, _anything_ to stop her body from plummeting into oblivion.

As she flexed her fingers, a warm hand reached out to grab her—abruptly stopping her fall. She gasped as she was dangling and being yanked towards whoever was trying to pull her up. 

“I have you” Asterin said, grunting as she tried her best to pull her back up. Manon squinted as she looked up, not believing that she was hearing her second’s voice “Grab my arm, Manon.”

“Asterin?” Manon breathed.

“Grab my arm!”

Manon nodded then clutched on to her cousin, groaning as she was being dragged upward, toward safety. 

“Hold on” Asterin gritted out, using all of her might to clutch on to her. Asterin dug her heels harder on the ground, pulling Manon’s weight with everything she could. As she pulled and pulled, Asterin lost her footing for a second which caused her to lurch forward and lose her balance. 

Both Manon and Asterin yelped when they stumbled towards the edge. 

Luckily, Sorrel and Vesta were quick to pull Asterin back and keep her steady, while the rest of her witches reached out to Manon’s outstretched arms and pulled both of them back to safety. 

Manon was gasping for air, her heart thundering in her chest as she fell back on the grass. She took a few seconds to look up at the night sky, taking the time to steady her breathing. The endless feeling of falling put her into quite a state of shock that she couldn’t find her voice.

Asterin kneeled down beside her, out of breath too, and reached out to touch her shoulder “Are you okay?”

Manon blinked at her and nodded, still grappling for words as she took in the face of the cousin and the eleven other faces staring back at her. 

_Asterin, Sorrel, Vesta, Faline, Fallon, Edda, Briar, Thea, Kaya, Linnea, Ghislaine, Imogen._

All of them were looking at her both in relief and uncertainty.

“What happened?” she managed to say in between gasps “Where are we?”

“We don’t know. We just saw you falling and we had to save you.”

Manon’s brows furrowed in confusion as she studied them, their features, and how they all looked equally as confused as she did in the moment. 

“Thank you” Manon said eventually “for saving me.”

Her second’s lips quirked upward “It’s so rare that you say thank you. I’d like to savor this moment.” This led to the rest of the thirteen nodding and smiling in agreement. 

It was instinctive for Manon to snarl. She hated being made fun of even if it was just lightly.

“There’s the Manon we know.” Sorrel said, laughing “We’ve missed you, Wing Leader.”

_Wing Leader?_

Manon knew that she was their wing leader. It was what they called her as a form of respect, just like how she calls Asterin her second, and Sorrel her third. Manon enforced ranking because it brought out obedience and respect. It reminded people of their place.

But Manon didn’t understand why she felt a strong wave of emotion as she heard the title Wing Leader. 

She almost felt sentimental? Or was nostalgic the right word?

As if she hasn’t been called Wing Leader for the longest time. 

The twelve must have read the conflicting emotions and confusion on her face which led them to look away. But Asterin remained kneeling beside her, smiling apologetically “We apologize, _Your Majesty_. We still can’t quite believe that you’re a Queen now. It seemed just like yesterday when you were our Wing Leader.”

Manon’s frowned “But I am your Wing Leader.”

“And you always will be” Asterin said softly then exchanged a look with Sorrel “But you’re a ruler now, with a greater purpose and much greater responsibilities. We’re proud of you, Queen Manon.”

Suddenly, Manon gets hit by the realization that Asterin and the rest weren’t truly with her, that it was impossible that she was seeing and talking to her thirteen. 

This was just a dream. 

Grief struck her as her memories came flashing through her mind. 

She remembered the last time her thirteen were together— fighting together in Orynth, Asterin punching her in the gut hard enought to leave her immobile, the twelve racing off atop their wyverns to fly towards the towers...

The yielding.

The field of blood and flowers.

The entire year of ruling the Crochans without them. 

_Live, Manon. Live._

Manon closed her eyes, bringing her knees close to her stomach so she could curl up on the ground and ignore the fresh wave of pain that racked through her body. 

They weren’t here. This wasn’t true. 

They were gone. 

They aren’t coming back.

She couldn’t decide if this was a dream or nightmare. On one hand, Manon was glad that she was able to see the faces of her thirteen clearly once again. She missed seeing them, being with them. There were times when she tried to think of their names and their faces only to feel immense guilt as some of the faces of her witches blurred; forgetting the intricate details of their features.

After the guilt, the agony of realizing that they were dead always set in. 

They were gone. The faces she can see now are just figments of her memories.

Perhaps this was torture, karma for all those years of killing and cruelty. She was being tortured by being presented a glimmer of happiness only to realize that it isn’t real because her twelve witches were already dead. 

“How could you?” Manon gritted out, her throat constricting.

“How could we what?”

The rest of the witches gasped and backed away in surprise as Manon sprang to her feet and tackled her second to the ground, grabbing her by the collar of her witch leathers and forcing her to look her in the eyes “Don’t play dumb. How could you do the yielding? Without me? I was supposed to do it! I was supposed to be with all of you!”

“We don’t regret what we did” Asterin said calmly, used to Manon’s outbursts.

Manon raised her fist, ready to hit her second’s face but Sorrel stopped her hand.

“Even if we could turn back time, we would have done the same.” Sorrel said softly.

Vesta nodded and took a step forward, the other witches following “We would do it again if we had to.”

“Why?” Manon roared, baring her teeth. Her hand twitched to claw at them, to make them feel any sort of pain, to make them hurt the same way she did as the one who got left behind. 

But she kept her fists closed, her iron nails biting into her own skin.

“You know why, Manon” Ghislaine said, the eldest and probably the wisest among them “We did it for you and for a better world.”

“For me?” Manon scoffed then released her hold on Asterin so she could stand up “I planned to go and do it myself. I didn’t ask you all to do it.”

“You’re the last Crochan Queen, Manon” Asterin reminded her as she stood up and faced her “The witches need a ruler. It was only you who could bring peace between the witch kingdoms, and you were successful in doing so.”

“Not only did you unite the witches but the people of Terrasen also respect you.” Imogen said.

Manon snorted “They respect you twelve, not me. It was all of you who sacrificed yourselves.”

“You fought alongside them, gathered the crochans to fight with them” Asterin reminded her “The humans and your own kingdom respects you too, more than you know.”

“If that is true it’s because they fear me and have no choice but to respect me since I’m their Queen.”

Asterin smiled “You are their Queen _because_ they trust and respect you.”

“How would you know that? All of you have been gone for a year. You weren’t with me in The Wastes, you didn’t see me struggle to do my duties and face witches who questioned me.”

“We were there when the Crochans declared you as their Queen” Asterin reminded her again, moving forward to hold her cousin’s hand “You’ve always shown that you were a great fighter and ruler. And even after everything, we’ve always been with you, Manon.”

Manon didn’t say anything, didn’t give any acknowledgement to what she said. That was some sentimental garbage that she couldn’t accept. They were gone. Manon has never felt so alone and lost. 

Even if they claimed to have been with her all this time, it didn’t bring her any comfort. No one rode beside her anymore when she soared the skies, she had no one to confide in about all her uncertainties of being Queen, and she had no one to share her memories with, no one who knew her as much as they all did. 

But Manon didn’t let go when Asterin held her hand. In fact, she revelled in the feel of her skin against hers. She looked down at their joined hands, not believing how real it felt. Her second gave her hand a squeeze and whispered to her the same command she gave her a year ago before they did the yielding _“Live.”_

Manon flinched then held her chin high in refusal “No.”

“Live, Manon.”

“No. Not without all of you.”

“Our sacrifice would have gone to waste if you refuse to live your life.” Asterin said, sadly. 

“That’s easy for all of you to say, you were the ones who left. You didn’t get left behind. You aren’t the ones who have to piece yourself together.”

“We know…and we’re sorry that you have to face this new life without us. But you aren’t alone, Manon.”

“So many others need you” Sorrel said softly behind Asterin “just as much as you need them.”

“I don’t have anyone.”

“Abraxos” Vesta challenged.

“Glennis” Fallon chimed.

“The crochans”

“Elide” 

“Dorian” 

The mention of The King of Adralan’s name made Manon snarl and retract her iron nails. 

“Oohh touchy subject is it?” Thea crooned “Are you sure you wouldn’t miss seeing his handsome face? I definitely do.”

Thea’s lover, Kaya smirked “You’ve always hated men, Manon. The King must be excellent in bed if you’ve kept him as your pet this long and haven’t killed him.”

“Dorian is a good man. They worked well together too. Manon cares for him as he does for her” Ghislaine said, knowingly. 

“Shut up” Vesta said, rolling her eyes at the witches. She smiled apologetically to Manon “What we’re saying is you still have others who love you. Allow yourself to be loved by them. You deserve it.”

“Manon” Asterin spoke, trying to revert the focus back to what they intended for her to hear “I know you’re hurting because feel like you lost us. But even if you feel that way, know that we are with you. It may not be like how it was before but we’re here nonetheless.” 

Manon remained silent for a moment, looking at each of their faces.

It’s been so long since they’ve been together, so long since she has heard their voices. She didn’t even mind Thea and Kaya’s teasing because it all felt so familiar and she didn’t even realize how much she missed all their bickering.

Manon wasn’t able to hold back her tears anymore.

She wept and finally let out a long cry that was building in her throat for a while—for months now actually.

The was the first time she allowed herself to sob that hard ever since they yielded.

“We will always be with you” Asterin whispered reassuringly, holding Manon’s face between her hands as she cried.

Manon’s vision was still blurred from the tears, but she tried her best to look at Asterin, to study her face once more because she didn’t know when she would be able to see her again.

“We’ll be here” her cousin whispered, pointing to her head. “And here” she motioned to her heart.

Manon just nodded then wrapped her arms around her cousin. 

Asterin held Manon as she continued to weep, Vesta following suit, then Sorrel. Soon, all of them were huddled together in an embrace. As they held each other, they smiled as they said unison: “We are The Thirteen. From now until darkness claims us.”

= = = = = 

Manon groaned as she felt something nudge her persistently. She flopped down to her stomach and buried her head under to keep the light from shining on her face.

She felt a nudge again.

“What?” she growled, refusing to open her eyes. 

Manon let her hand move across the ground where she was lying down and she opened her eyes when she felt grass along her fingertips. She suddenly remembered the events before she fell asleep and dreamt of the thirteen.

Dorian and her on the field. Tackling him on the ground. Then flying away on Abraxos, leaving him behind. Before sleep took her, she told her wyvern to bring her somewhere they can sleep. 

Manon pushed herself off the ground and took in her surroundings. 

She was definitely not in Adarlan. 

She looked around and studied the green field, the flowers that bloomed all over the planes—

_Orynth._ She was in Terrasen. 

Abraxos brought her to Orynth, to the field where she and her thirteen last fought together—where the twelve yielded. 

Manon felt raw and vulnerable again in that moment. As if it wasn’t enough that she dreamt of her witches, but Abraxos decided to take her here too. Manon’s chest and throat felt tight and heavy once more. As she fought back the tears that started to form on her eyes, Abraxos nudged her arm with his snout and whined. Manon reached to rub his snout to comfort both of them and noticed that he had something in his mouth.

Abraxos put the flowers he picked on her open palm—twelve flowers for the twelve witches who she loved and lost, and one flower for Narene, Abraxos’ mate.

Manon studied the flowers then wrapped her arms around her wyvern's neck.

She couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a mate. Abraxos lost his and yet he remained a steady source of love and comfort to Manon, knowing well enough how much she was hurting. Manon kissed the top of his head “I love you, Abraxos. I know I may not tell you that often, but I do. I love you.”

Abraxos nodded then nuzzled his head against her, mewling soft sounds.

“Thank you for bringing us here” she said, stroking her hands against his scales “I know I've been avoiding this. I didn't want to visit yet, I didn't think I was ready. But I needed this, and I know you do too. You miss Narene.”

Her wyvern just nodded his head and whimpered.

“I miss my thirteen too” she said out loud, and for some reason it felt liberating to do so. She didn’t even realize that she was crying until Abraxos licked her tear stained cheeks. She fought the urge to cringe and bat his mouth away from her, knowing that it was a sweet gesture meant to comfort her.

“You’re my best friend, Abraxos” Manon said softly “I often wish that you could talk so you could prattle nonsense to me while I listen. I love talking to you.”

But Abraxos just looked at her with sad eyes, showing the hurt and pain he felt—which reflected what she was feeling too.

“I dreamt of them just now” she whispered “Did you dream of Narene?”

The wyvern moved his head up and down, nodding.

“I’m sorry” Manon whispered, her voice full of anguish “I should have tried to stop them or I should have joined. I should have fought to follow them—”

She stopped and cleared her throat when her voice broke. “I’m sorry that you lost your mate. I’ve been so selfish...I never even asked you about it.I couldn’t. I didn’t want to—”

But Abraxos cut her off with a soft growl, as if telling her to shut up. Manon laughed quietly then went back to rubbing his snout “Okay, I’ll keep quiet.”

The wyvern sat back on the grass, staring at the field of flowers before them. Manon understood that perhaps he just wanted to have a moment of silence to remember and pay respect to the mate who he lost. 

So Manon figured that she’d do the same. She sat down beside him, leaning on the crook of his neck as she held the twelve flowers that Abraxos picked for her. As she counted the flowers, she chanted their names in her head once again: _Asterin, Sorrel, Vesta, Faline, Fallon, Edda, Briar, Thea, Kaya, Linnea, Ghislaine, Imogen._

“From now until the darkness claims us.” she whispered, tears falling down her face once more.

= = = = =

Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galathynius tried her best to ignore the knocking on their chamber’s door. 

Rebuilding Terrasen and running the kingdom has barely given her time to herself, so she made it a practice to schedule day offs at least once or twice a month. During these day offs, Aelin allowed herself to remain in bed the whole day and do absolutely nothing. Well, _almost_ nothing, since Rowan always accompanied her during day offs. A bed with Rowan in it would be a waste if she ignored him and slept all day.

“If we pretend we’re sleeping he might go away” Aelin whispered against her husband’s neck. Rowan smiled and gripped her hips, pulling her on top of him so she could straddle him.

As Aelin brought her lips to his, the knocking became louder and more persistent.

“Aelin! Open up! You have a visitor!” Fenry shouted at the other end of the door.

Rowan growled when his wife’s attention went to the door and flipped her over so he was on top of her. He nipped her lips then kissed his way down her neck then her chest then murmured against her “May I remind you that it’s your day off. Today is all about you.”

“Hmm” she hummed, her eyes closing as Rowan’s nipped and sucked on her skin “You make a valid point. Let’s ignore him until he walks away”

He chuckled as Aelin gripped his shoulders then wrapped her legs around him, pulling his body closer to hers. She let out a soft gasp as she felt him against her and--

“I know both of you are awake! You’d hate me more if you found out who was here and I didn’t inform you.” Fenrys whined, continuing to knock on the door “I’m giving you guys twenty minutes to put on some clothes and meet with your guest. I’ll lead her to the throne room where she can wait.”

Aelin and Rowan stared daggers at the door then sighed. Aelin put her hand on Rowan’s chest to push gently push him off from her “Let’s go, it might be urgent.”

But his hand clasped around her wrist and he bent down to place a long and searing kiss against her lips. Rowan pulled away, a wicked gleam in his eyes “Fenrys gave us twenty minutes, right?”

Aelin smirked “Yes but I also have to bathe and dress up which takes at least fifteen minutes. So if you’re suggesting we do what you want to do under five minutes, I want you to rethink your plans.”

He sighed “You’re right. I am always thorough with my work so five minutes isn’t going to give us justice compared to the hours I have planned.”

“Delayed gratification” she said with a smile, patting him on the shoulder as she stood up and ignored the burning desire she felt. Aelin was curious to see who their guest was anyways so she decided that Rowan and their bed can wait.

Twenty minutes and a bath later, Aelin and Rowan walked down the hallways, anxious to meet with their guest. As they passed through one of the windows, Aelin stopped dead in her tracks as she saw gray scales blocking the view.

“Abraxos?” she gasped as she recognized the wyvern, then ran towards the doors that led to the throne room.

When she pushed open the doors, Manon was seated on the throne.

“I must say this is a pleasant surprise” Aelin started, sauntering towards her “I didn’t know you missed seeing my beautiful face so much that you travelled all the way here to see me.”

“Well met, _Your Majesty_ ” she smirked, eyeing her damp hair “I apologize for interrupting your day of rest.”

Aelin waved her off “I wasn’t doing anything interesting anyway, _Your Majesty._ ”

This made Rowan raise his brow at her _You weren’t doing anything interesting? I’ll make you eat your words later._

Aelin gave him a sultry look _Eat my words? I’d rather have something else in my mouth-_

“Disgusting” Manon said, rolling her eyes “You’re worse than the Lochans. At least Elide is civilized enough to try and refrain from eye-fucking her husband in the presence of others.”

“Oh, you've heard from Elide?” Aelin said, suddenly concerned at the mention of her dear friend “We received a letter from her and Lorcan days ago. I know that she has been planning to have her leg healed by Yrene eventually but the urgency of the letter made us worry that something happened.”

“Her injury got worse last week, the pain became intolerable for her.” she explained, her face turning grim “I visited her in Rithfold. Dorian is accommodating them.”

“How is she?” Rowan asked, worried for Elide and also for Lorcan—knowing well how overattentive and overprotective he was towards his wife. He knew this must have also been difficult for him.

Manon shook her head “It’s been very difficult for Elide. I stayed with her during one of her sessions with Yrene. It’s as bad as you can imagine. She’s doing her best to remain strong but she also isn’t really herself now...She’s beside herself with anguish.”

“What do you mean?” Aelin frowned. 

“Aside from the obvious physical pain—which looks agonizing by the way, she’s also been facing more personal issues.” 

“Oh no” Aelin murmured, her hand on her chest. She looked up at Rowan “I wish we could go and check on her. I want to be there for her.”

Rowan rubbed her back comfortingly “No one’s stopping you if you really want to. You are Queen after all. You could take a few days off to visit Elide.”

“That’s why I stopped by. I figured that it would definitely make her feel better if you came. She misses her parents...Perhaps you would bring comfort since you knew her mother.” 

“Oh, Elide.” Aelin murmured quietly. She thought of her scheduled meetings for the entire week and tried to mentally picture if they could be rescheduled. Perhaps she can since she was already able to meet with most of the ruling families of Terrasen’s cities the past weeks anyway. There were also no immediate or urgent matters she needed to attend to for the next few days.

“If it helps you decide, you can think of it as an extension of your day off” Rowan whispered “I’m sure you would also love to see your friends. You’ve been working so hard, fireheart.”

“You can ride with me on Abraxos to save on travel time. We can be in Rithfold in a day and a half.” Manon offered, still seated at her throne.

Aelin nodded, already convinced. She faced Rowan “How about you? Will you be coming with us?”

“I want to...but I think I need to stay behind. In case of emergencies.”

“Fenrys and Vaughn will be here. I think they can manage a few days.”

Rowan smiled “Since you’re practically begging me to go with you, fine.”

“We could also roast Lorcan’s ass while we’re there” Manon mentioned as an afterthought “He and Elide had a big fight before I left. It wasn’t pretty.”

This made Rowan frown and Aelin smile slyly “Let's go to Rithfold then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Manon's part was sad but ya'll...the biggest tragedy is Abraxos losing his mate. Out of everyone, he deserves love and happiness the most!!! That soft innocent baby!!!! I get sad whenever I think of Abraxos living his life knowing he lost Narene 😭 i may or may not have cried while thinking of Abraxos 😭 a moment of silence for our favorite wyvern. 
> 
> On a brighter note, yay we're going to have most of the squad together in Adarlan. I'm excited!!! I can imagine so much banter, name calling, threats and everything else in between.
> 
> *also i just wanna share that I've been planning to create another fic. I want to explore the fight elide and lorcan had in the flashback in chapter 7 or 8??? The one where elide said she felt stifled. anyways i'll still decide if I should work on that simultaneously with this or if i should finish this fic first before I start on that. it will all depend on my brain capacity.
> 
> Anyways, let me know what you guys think 😊 As you know, I love talking to you all in the comments.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled so much to finish writing & editing this chapter. At this point, I'm too exhausted to proofread this to perfection so please bear with whatever grammatical / typographical errors are in here. I honestly lost all fucks. 
> 
> To make up for my lazy proof reading, this is a slightly longer than usual chapter :) Hopefully that evens it out.

Elide was in a very affectionate mood the next morning. She woke up earlier than Lorcan—which was rare, and she did so by peppering him with kisses and running her fingers through his hair.

He was so damned lucky. 

Lorcan remembered how much he used to hate careless touch before, how he’d always draw a line between him and his past lovers when it came to touching outside the bedroom. Even a small and innocent act of someone placing their hand over his used to make him flinch and close himself off instantly.

But now he couldn’t imagine _not_ touching Elide. He never realized how deprived he was of affection growing up and now he felt so damned lucky that his wife was such an affectionate person. Now that he knew how beautiful it was to feel love through simple touches, he felt that he had to make up for the centuries he had without it. 

Elide’s hugs and kisses were his favorite thing and it amazed him how she gave it so freely. Holding her hand was always so comforting, her playing with his hair relaxed him, and it was complete bliss whenever she curled up against him when they read and slept together.

So as Elide pressed her lips against his neck and cheek so early in the morning, he purred in delight. 

“Good morning” he smiled against her “I could get used to waking up to this.”

“Mmmmm” she sighed contently as she burried her face against his chest.

As much as Lorcan wanted to lay in bed and have his wife continue to shower him with affection, he knew that Yrene would arrive soon.

He wrapped his arm around her as he sat up slowly and let his fingers brush through her hair “Let’s get you ready for your session. Yrene will be here in a while.”

“Okay” she said then pressed her lips against his. 

Lorcan watched her like a hawk as they ate breakfast and got dressed for the day. He was worried that she might be nervous to face another day of healing, another day of enduring pain. But Elide didn’t show any signs that she was anxious. She didn’t do or say anything that expressed dread or fear. 

In fact, she seemed calm. 

He wasn’t sure if it was genuine or if she was just hiding how she felt. 

But Lorcan tried not to think too much of it yet. If she seemed fine, then it was probably because she was fine. He didn’t want to stress about nothing.

When Yrene arrived not much later and asked how Elide was feeling, his wife smiled sweetly “I’m good, thank you.”

The healer smiled in surprise, not expecting her cheery mood “Does the pain in your foot feel any different from how it was yesterday?”

“It’s still painful, a bit sore. But nothing I can’t handle.”

Yrene smiled again “That’s good. I hope you were able to relax and enjoy your day yesterday.”

“Thank you for letting me have a break. I needed it.” she said then blushed as she remembered how mad Yrene was at her “And I’m sorry for hopping around yesterday...I won’t do it again.”

“Let’s hope not, for your sake and mine.” 

“Tsk tsk” Lorcan shook his head jokingly at Elide, obviously still amused at how the healer scolded her the day before.

Elide rolled her eyes at her husband’s teasing and settled against the bed frame as Yrene moved around the room to prepare her things. 

“For today, I’ll focus on strengthening your bones and making sure that they regrew correctly. I won’t be doing any invasive procedure for this but it’s still best if you are unconscious while I work on you. Is that okay?”

Elide nodded.

“Today won’t be as painful since I won’t be making incisions or breaking any bones. If all goes well, the pain will be more bearable when you wake up.” Yrene said.

Lorcan exhaled, relieved to hear that Elide’s pain would be lessened.

Elide also seemed to be relieved to hear this from the deep exhale and smile she gave. 

When Yrene handed her the tonic, Elide took it with no qualms. She grimaced as she swallowed the thick liquid, trying her best not to gag. 

As she leaned back against the pillows and waited for the effects of the tonic to take place, her left hand drifted to her chest to hold her necklace, while her right hand reached for Lorcan. 

“I’ll be here” he reminded her then kissed her hand “I love you”

She gave a small smile “I love you” 

It wasn’t long before her body relaxed and her eyes closed. 

When Elide was already unconscious, Yrene bent over and cupped her propped up foot between her hands. 

“She seems to be in a good mood” Yrene said softly as she held Elide’s foot and sent a rush of her magic to wrap around it. “I imagine she had a good day yesterday.”

“She did, as did I. I enjoyed watching her get scolded at” he said, a smile tugging on his lips again “Elide often does the scolding so it was a nice change.”

Yrene laughed “I hope she didn’t take it personally. I take my job seriously which makes me very strict with who I’m healing. Chaol knows how stern I can be. He experienced it firsthand when I healed his spine.” 

Lorcan nodded, understanding.

“I was just so worried when I saw the swelling, I thought I did something wrong with the procedure. So when Elide confessed that she stood up and hopped to go to the bathroom, I was livid.” she admitted, her brows furrowed as she focused on Elide’s foot “We saw how difficult it was for her to endure the pain and it’s only been a few days. If her injury worsened, she’d have to endure it all over again.”

“I know...I was frustrated too but I couldn’t get mad at her. Not when we just made up and not when she looked how she did when I found her in the bathing room.”

“How did she look like?”

“Distant” Lorcan said, his free hand clenching and unclenching “Frail.”

“I see.”

There was a long pause before either said anything more. Yrene could already imagine Elide’s emotional state during that time, if the past days gave any indication. And she knew that Lorcan was already on edge from worry over her. 

So she decided to change the topic.

“I’m actually surprised that she’s in a good mood today.” Yrene started, smiling knowingly “I’m guessing it has something to do with that necklace she is holding onto. That wasn’t there the past days.”

Lorcan nodded “I gave it to her last night. It has a picture of her with her parents in the locket.”

This made Yrene pause to look up at him “That’s a very thoughtful gift.”

He shrugged.

“I’m sure the gesture and the meaning behind it means the world to her, especially after how hard the past few days have been. She told Manon how much she misses her parents. Grief can be so overwhelming that it can consume a person whole. But to add that grief with physical pain too?” Yrene shook her head and sighed.

Lorcan remained silent for a while, allowing Yrene’s word to sink. 

“Keep doing what you’re doing.” she said softly, after a while “Being here for Elide, encouraging her, reminding her of how much she is loved is a good way to help her remain strong.”

It felt unusual for Lorcan to hear someone reassure him that he was on the right track. He often felt so out of depth with expressing his love towards Elide. He has always been so careful with navigating their relationship because he didn’t want to mess things up and lose her like he almost did before. So having an unbiased third party telling him that he was doing the right things comforted him, more than he ever thought. 

He just wanted Elide to feel the same amount of love and happiness she brought into his life.

“Thank you, Yrene.” Lorcan said solemnly.

Lorcan was also starting to realize that he was starting to like the healer. She was a friend of Elide who he didn’t just tolerate like Manon and Aelin, but he actually liked. Yrene was someone whose opinions he was starting to trust and respect.

He’s been worrying so much the past days over Elide’s health and wellbeing and Yrene has been there to reassure him that everything was going well. She was very comforting in nature and was also kind with her words. Lorcan didn’t feel like he had to defend how he showed his love to his wife, unlike the two bitch queens who always taunted him for every little thing he did. 

Lorcan and Yrene remained silent for the remainder of the session. He watched every movement of Elide’s body—the rise and fall of her chest, the slight movement of her head, and even the movement of her closed eyes. He wanted to read if she was in any distress while unconscious, to look for any signs that she might be in pain. 

The entire time, however, Elide looked serene as she slept. Her hand was still holding his.

Yrene took the whole morning to continue healing Elide’s bones. She closed her hands around her foot and sent a surge of her healing magic onto Elide. 

When it was already noon, the healer was visibly drained—she was sweating, her breaths were shallow and her hands were trembling from exerting herself for hours. She finished up her work then slumped against the poster of the bed when she finished.

Lorcan poured tea on one of the cups and offered it to her.

Once Yrene drank the tea and let a few minutes pass to catch her breath, she stood up and carefully examined Elide’s foot one last time. When all was well, she told Lorcan that her healing was a success and that they can have the remainder of the day to themselves so Elide could continue to rest.

Before she left, Yrene gave Lorcan the usual list of instructions on what to do and not to do. She also reassured him that she would be back in a few hours just to check on Elide, and that he is free to call for her should the need arise. 

When she left, Lorcan remained beside his wife. He didn’t want to move his hand away, which was still holding hers, because he didn’t want to wake her.

Elide remained in a very deep sleep and hardly stirred the whole day.

Lorcan eventually had to leave her side to stand up, stretch, and to also eat something. But he didn’t leave the bedroom, not wanting his wife out of his sight. 

When the sun was starting to set and Elide didn’t wake yet, Lorcan started pacing anxiously. He wasn’t sure if it was normal for her to be asleep this long. He was also worried that she hasn’t eaten or drank anything since breakfast. 

Yrene arrived soon after he called for her.

“She hasn’t woken up yet” he whispered, nervous “Is that normal?”

“It’s completely normal because the tonic I gave her had a sedative and because her body is tired from the stress of recovery.”

“But she’s so still. She didn’t even stir the entire time!”

Yrene raised her brow “So you’d prefer that she was thrashing or crying in her sleep?”

“Of course not” he grumbled “I was just...preparing myself for the worst—nightmares, distressed crying, screaming, or anything that would be similar to the first few days.”

Yrene gave a sympathetic smile “You told me that she hardly got any sleep the past days because of her nightmares, am I correct? So there’s the sedative in her system, her body is undergoing recovery stress, and there’s also the fact that Elide hasn’t slept. Her mind and body is just exhausted, Lorcan. She just needs rest.” 

Lorcan exhaled “Okay, you’re right.”

“Remember when Elide saved your life in Anielle and brought you to me with your insides spilling out?” she said “You were unconscious for _two _days. Elide was beside herself with worry too and kept visiting your room to check on you, waiting for you to wake up.”__

__“I get it. She’ll wake up. I’m just overreacting.”_ _

__“You’re funny, Lorcan. At first, you went feral when Elide was distressed and crying. Now you’re worried because she’s sleeping calmly.” Yrene shook her head, amused “Just relax, okay? I’ll let you know if you should be concerned about anything.”_ _

__He narrowed his eyes at her, but the tension in his body eased “Fine.”_ _

__= = = = =_ _

__It was already the morning of the the next day but Elide still didn’t wake up from her sleep._ _

__Lorcan and Yrene decided to try and wake her just so she could have something to drink and eat._ _

__Elide was still groggy when Lorcan assisted her in sitting up. Dark circles were starting to form under her eyes and her lids looked heavy. She was disorriented for a while, her mind and body adjusting after the very long sleep she had._ _

__Lorcan tried coaxing her into a conversation, just so he could see how she was feeling._ _

__“Are you still tired, love?” he asked gently “You were asleep the whole day yesterday.”_ _

__“Mhm”_ _

__“Does anything hurt? Or is everything okay?”_ _

__Elide forced herself to open her eyes to look at him and smile “It hurts a bit but I’m okay, just sleepy.”_ _

__“Okay, you can continue to sleep after you eat.” he whispered then leaned in to kiss her forehead “Will it be okay if Yrene continues healing your foot?”_ _

__She nodded._ _

__“Are you sure? It’s not too painful? Yrene can continue tomorrow if it hurts…”_ _

__“No, it’s okay. I’m okay” she said softly, her hand reaching to hold his “I promise, I’m fine.”_ _

__“Okay” Lorcan replied softly, then motioned her to the food set in front of her._ _

__But Lorcan ended up spoon feeding her because she couldn’t even find the energy to hold her own spoon and bowl. He didn’t mind, of course. He was surprised that he actually liked taking care of her like this. If she wasn’t groggy and disoriented, his wife would have definitely smacked him and told him that she was very much capable of feeding herself._ _

__Elide’s eyes were still drooping as she ate her breakfast, her head moving from side to side as she chewed slowly. If Lorcan wasn't filled with worry, he definitely would have found the sight funny._ _

__After Elide finished with her meal, Lorcan stood up so Yrene could check her vitals and examine her foot once more. Elide’s was already starting to fall asleep as Yrene checked her breathing and pulse and the healer had to gently wake her up again just so she could drink the tonic in preparation for their session._ _

__Lorcan didn’t think Elide needed to drink it since she didn’t seem to have trouble falling asleep but Yrene told him she needed it for the pain. So Elide drank it._ _

__When she was fast asleep once more, Yrene went over to where her foot was propped and let her healing magic wrap itself around her foot once more._ _

__

__= = = = =_ _

__

__It has already been three days since Manon left and Dorian finally decided that he should stop longing for her to return._ _

__It was futile to hope that she would come back. She made it clear when she said she will never show herself again if he didn’t back off. And he told her that it was fine with him because he’d rather have her open and broken than whatever front she was trying to keep._ _

__Dorian meant what he said but it didn’t make her leaving hurt any less._ _

__He supposes that it’s for the best. Better that she was clear with her decision and feelings so there would be no misunderstanding between them._ _

__Even if he didn’t explicitly tell her how he felt, it didn’t matter. He believes that his actions spoke volumes and it was clear to everyone but her how much he really cared for Manon. Not once did she react positively to his attempts to get closer to her, to make her feel cared for._ _

__Manon has made it clear that there’s nothing between them outside of their physical relationship. If he thought otherwise then he supposed that it was his own fault._ _

__“Mother would be so pleased” he grumbled to himself._ _

__Georgina Havilliard made it clear from the start how much she despised the idea of her son with a witch and almost fainted at the knowledge that Dorian was involved with Queen of Witches. His mother kept on pestering him about having to choose someone _proper_ for a wife, so he could have someone to rule beside him. They needed to present a strong front to the people, especially in a fragile time like this where the kingdom was still healing from the effects of the war. _ _

__This was why Georgina Havilliard frequently sent her son a list of different names—unwed ladies who came from noble, influential, and wealthy families._ _

__Dorian was just grateful that his mother and Hollin made themselves scarce around the castle. They were still grieving and were also traumatized after knowing what happened to the former King of Adarlan. As sad as that was, it made it easier for Dorian to avoid his mother pressuring him to choose from the list single and available ladies._ _

__For a year, Dorian has declined all his mother’s efforts in finding a proper lady he could wed—knowing well that none of them would even compare to who he wanted to rule beside with._ _

__This put Dorian in a sulking mood for the remainder of the day._ _

__After his meetings with the council men, The King of Adarlan retreated to his bedroom to bury himself in another book only for Chaol to come pounding his fist on the door._ _

__“Chaol, it’s the middle of the night and I’m tired” he called, not taking his eyes from the book in front of him “We can discuss work tomorrow.”_ _

__But Chaol ignored him and went barging inside the room. Dorian rolled his eyes and put down the book he was reading “What?”_ _

__“We have more guests”_ _

__“Guests? I don’t—”_ _

__“Just stand up and let’s meet with them downstairs.”_ _

__Dorian blinked then found himself scrambling from his bed and running alongside Chaol down the hallways and to the main entrance._ _

__Dorian didn’t know who he was expecting to see on the entrance of their castle but it sure wasn’t Aelin and Rowan._ _

__“Aelin” he said in surprise, a smile already forming as she ran towards him and enveloped him in a hug._ _

__“Dorian” Aelin said affectionately as she hugged him. She pulled away quickly to look at him “I’ve missed you so much. How are you?”_ _

__He smiled “Eternally tired but handsome as ever.”_ _

__“Ugh, tell me about it. We’re both exhausted but devastatingly beautiful royals.” Aelin said then turned around to look at Chaol who was standing at the side, giving a shy smile. Aelin motioned for him “Chaol, come here. I need to hug you too!”_ _

__Chaol hesitated, eyeing Rowan—not sure if being territorial was still a thing with him. But he was relieved to see that the fae male had an easy smile on his face. So Chaol went closer and let Aelin pull him in to join her and Dorian’s embrace “It seemed like it was years ago when I was here as your Champion, Dorian. And you, Chaol, were the Captain of the Guard that always had a stick up his ass.”_ _

__Dorian laughed “I can’t believe it’s just been two years. It feels like a lifetime ago.”_ _

__“Those were simpler times” Chaol said, smiling now too. “Simple but dull”_ _

__“Both of your lives have been so dull before me, I know.” Aelin said jokingly then pulled away “I’m sure Rowan can relate. He spent centuries living a dull life. I’m glad I swept in and saved him from turning into an old man. His hair is literally white! That’s what he gets for being a grumpy old fae.”_ _

__“I think we all had simple lives before you went in and added chaos, Fireheart.” he said, a smirk playing on his lips “And my hair’s not white, it’s _silver._ ”_ _

__This made Aelin roll her eyes and stick out her tongue at him “Buzzard.”_ _

__Dorian cleared his throat “Do tell us why we are being graced with your presence. What’s the occasion?”_ _

__“The Lochans wrote to us before they left and I wanted to check in on Elide.”_ _

__“Of course” Dorian nodded “Elide and I are dear friends already, I’m sure she would be glad to know that you went all the way here for her.”_ _

__“Oh how is our darling Elide? I’ve been worried about how she must be doing.”_ _

__“Yrene just finished with Elide’s session for the day. Both of them are resting now.” Chaol said._ _

__Aelin nodded “That’s good. I can check on her tomorrow since it’s already late. Lorcan would bite my head off if I interrupted their sleep. Plus, we’re exhausted from travel so I’d like to eat then go into a coma for at least eight hours.”_ _

__“Of course, I’ll have a room made for you and have food sent.” Dorian said then excused himself so he could make the arrangements._ _

__When Dorian was out of the hall, Chaol’s brows drew together as he eyed Aelin and Rowan “I noticed that you don’t have any horses or a carriages with you. How did you get here?”_ _

__“Oh, Manon brought us.”_ _

__“ _Manon?_ ”_ _

__“Yes, she was in Orynth then she dropped by the castle to update me on how Elide is doing.”_ _

__“She was in _Orynth?_ ” Chaol blinked “Where is she now?”_ _

__“She left the moment she dropped us down.”_ _

__Chaol pinched his forehead “She left? _Again?_ ”_ _

__“Chaol, you’re repeating everything I’m saying.” Aelin said._ _

__“What do you mean ‘again’ ?” It was Rowan’s turn to frown in confusion “Was she supposed to stay? We just assumed that she needed to head back to The Wastes.”_ _

__Before Chaol could reply, Dorian was already walking towards them with a smile on his face, oblivious to what his friends were talking about. Chaol caught Aelin and Rowan’s eye and gave them a look as to say not to mention anything about Manon to Dorian._ _

__Understanding dawned upon the royals which made them look sadly at the King._ _

__“What?” Dorian asked._ _

__Aelin shook her head “Nothing. I just see some grays in your hair.”_ _

__Dorian frowned, his hand touching his hair self-consciously._ _

__

__= = = = =_ _

__

__When Manon dropped Aelin and Rowan off so they could be welcomed at the entrance, she had Abraxos fly to the side of the castle where she knew Elide and Lorcan’s room was. She didn’t plan to prolong her stay any second more but not saying goodbye to Elide didn’t sit well with her._ _

__When they reached the balcony that was attached to the Lochan’s room, Manon jumped off Abraxos and landed swiftly on the marble floors._ _

__Before she could knock on the doors that led to the bedroom, it already swung open._ _

__“What are you doing here?” Lorcan seethed “It’s the middle of the night! And couldn’t you have knocked through the main door?”_ _

__“This way is easier.”_ _

__He rolled his eyes “We aren’t entertaining guests now, Elide is asleep. And even if she were awake, I doubt she’d be eager to see you since you left without saying goodbye.”_ _

__“Aw. Did you miss me?”_ _

__“Don’t even think this is funny. Elide was upset that you left abruptly” he hissed._ _

__She waved him off “I brought her someone as an apology. She’ll be glad to know that she has more visitors.”_ _

__“Who?”_ _

__“You’ll see. They’ll probably drop by your room first thing in the morning.”_ _

__“They?” he asked, his eyes wide “How many are there?”_ _

__“Good night, Lorcan” she said then went to jump back to Abraxos. “Send my regards to Elide.”_ _

__“You’re not staying?”_ _

__She raised her brow, challenging him “Is there anyone in this castle who is as important to me as the witches of my kingdom?”_ _

__Lorcan was silent for a few seconds, his anger starting to rise at the witch’s tone and words. He knew how dear Manon was to Elide. It would crush her if she heard what she just said. His wife would also be very upset when she finds out that Manon came back only for her to leave without saying goodbye again._ _

__And Lorcan was no fool. He didn't need Elide's gossip to know that there was unresolved tension between her and the King of Adarlan. The moment they found out Manon left, he knew it was because of whatever it was that she had going on with Dorian._ _

__“You know what I’ve learned, Manon?” Lorcan started, then leaned casually against the door “Putting others at arm’s length may seem easier. But at the end of the day, the regret of choosing not to love is much worse than the possibility of losing a loved one. It’s much more painful to not have loved at all.”_ _

__“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Have you even lost a loved one?”_ _

__“I fell in love and married Elide even with the knowledge that she’s human. I realized that I’d rather have a few years full of love with her than live a cold and lonely life for centuries more. It scares the rutting hell out of me thinking that she will grow old and die one day but it’s something I’m willing to face if it means I get to spend whatever amount of time we have with each other.”_ _

__It was Manon who was silent this time. But she composed herself quickly then narrowed her eyes in him in warning “And you decided to tell me this because?”_ _

__Lorcan rolled his eyes “You’re a Queen with a century’s worth of experience. You’ll figure it out.”_ _

__And with that, he went back to the bedroom, closed the door and left Manon alone on the balcony._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok now that I have a general outline of events of how I plan the story to end, I'm estimating that this will be done by Chapter 25. It's still subject to change, of course, because I get so many ideas sometimes and I end up writing things that weren't initially part of the first draft. I just go with the flow basically, I just use the draft as a guide but I'm also flexible with what my brain comes up with last minute haha.
> 
> I decided to share that with yall since I wanted to let you all know that this fic is (probably) nearing the end. I just dont want to edit the chapter numbers and write x / 25 lol. So yeah :)
> 
> (((also for those who are waiting for acosf and saw the cover reveal...pls let's discuss. we need a support group. lol. )))


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Once again, it felt like forever for me to finish a new chapter but this time it was because it was a challenge to prioritize and arrange the scenes I had planned because there are more characters now. This makes me appreciate SJM more because she's so good at writing stories w a huge ensemble of characters, all while making all of their stories interesting to the reader. Respect.

Aelin was glad that she got the long hours of sleep that she wanted, after days of travelling in the skies on the back of Abraxos. 

When she roused from her deep sleep, she already felt more energized than how she did the past days. Rowan was already up, of course, his fingers moving up and down her arm. 

One look at each other and both of them were already scrambling to take off their clothes and were all over each other in a minute. Both of them were _frustrated_ since they didn’t get to finish what they started in their bedroom two days ago since Manon arrived in Orynth. It may have just been two days but it seemed like forever. It was such an effort to travel beside each other in close proximity but not have the freedom to touch each other or grant any sort of relief, since they had someone else with them.

Aelin and Rowan were sure that Manon could sense what they were feeling the entire time so they did their best not to make it awkward for all of them. Thankfully, the Queen of Witches didn’t seem to be in the mood to shame or tease them about it. In fact, she remained in a brooding silence for most of the trip. 

They spent an hour in the early morning finishing where they left off, their bodies a tangled mess in the sheets. 

When Aelin and Rowan were both satiated and finally decided to leave the bed, they bathed then got dressed quickly so they could join Dorian and the Westfalls for breakfast. 

“Good morning” Aelin greeted as they walked through the entrance of the dining hall. Her attention immediately landed on Josefina who was seated on the high chair beside Yrene. Aelin let out a pleased sound then ran to the baby.

“Hello Josefina” she cooed when she bent down to tickle her cheek. The baby’s eyes widened as she studied the new face before her. Her face was pinched in concentration as she observed Aelin. The Queen of Terrasen smiled and cooed at her encouragingly which made Josefina smile back and reach out her arms, asking to be carried. Yrene gave an encouraging nod to her.

“Look at you, such an adorable and beautiful girl” Aelin said, smiling widely as she bent to pick the baby up to hold her in her arms. 

Yrene laughed then looked at Chaol “Look how happy our daughter is. She found someone new to give her attention.”

“Another person who is going to be wrapped around her finger” Chaol said with a smile, pride in his eyes as he watched his daughter make a new friend.

“You’re like me then, Josefina. We’re both beautiful and we love attention. Aunt Aelin will definitely spoil you.” Aelin cooed, tickling her sides “Thank gods you look like your mama, you’re so pretty.”

Dorian, Yrene, and Josefina giggled at that while Chaol coughed.

“Aelin’s kidding” Rowan told Chaol apologetically, seeing the frown starting to form on his face “Josefina also looks like you.”

“You should see Josefina when she cries! That’s when she looks like Chaol the most. They have identical frowns.” Dorian joked, laughing. 

Chaol sighed then mumbled against his coffee “It’s so early in the morning and all of you are already making fun of me.”

“Don’t worry, it’s because Lorcan isn’t here. Once we’re all in the same room, Lorcan will be at the receiving end of all my jokes.” Aelin said waving him off then put Josefina back down on her high chair. She sat down beside the child, and Rowan took the seat opposite hers, beside Chaol. 

“I’m glad you were able to join us. I recall you saying that you planned to be comatose this morning.” Dorian said once they’ve started eating.

“Sleep is overrated.” _Especially when you have a bed and a Rowan in it_ , she didn’t say.

“Well even if it is, I hope that you were able to rest well. I’m sure you needed it after your travel” Dorian said then frowned as he realized something “You know, I don’t think you mentioned how you got here last night. Did you ride on horseback?”

Aelin and Rowan looked at each other then looked at Chaol quickly “Um we walked.”

“You _walked_? All the way from Terrasen to Adarlan?” 

Rowan rolled his eyes at his wife _Walked, really? You’re a much better liar than this._

Aelin gave him a look _His question took me by surprise!_

Chaol cleared his throat “Didn’t you tell me last night that you hitch-hiked? Your horses weren’t feeling well and you didn’t want to bring a carriage as not to announce your presence—”

Aelin nodded then picked up the story “Yes so we decided to walk for the first few hours. It’s a sentimental thing. We wanted to spend time with one another outside of the castle for a change.”

“But then Aelin immediately regretted the decision since she started complaining that her foot was aching even though we’ve just been walking for an hour” Rowan added, trying to act mildly annoyed as he pretended to recall the fake memory “So we had to stop by an inn so she could rest.”

“I was not tired! It was really Rowan who insisted to stop by the inn because he couldn’t take his eyes off of me” Aelin scoffed, then gave a wink to Yrene “He may be a King but he really is just barbaric in nature.”

Rowan narrowed his eyes at her then extended his leg under the table to playfully kick Aelin’s foot. She kicked him right back.

“Anyway, when we stayed in the inn, that’s where we passed by a group of men who were selling their horses. So we paid them so they could bring us here.” Rowan finished. 

Aelin nodded “Yes and here we are.”

Both Aelin and Rowan smiled at Dorian, trying to see if he bought their lie. 

“Okay, I see.” Dorian blinked “Well, it’s good that your trip was uh interesting and that you got here safe.”

“I think it’s very nice” Yrene also said “I have no doubts that both of you have been drained from running Terrasen. I’m sure a few days on the road was a good way to take your mind off of things for a while.”

“It was actually. Gods know Rowan and I need a break” Aelin said. 

She was thankful to have felt the thrill of the wind whooshing past her as they travelled on Abraxos. Court life has kept her busy and feeling fulfilled, yes, but the paper work, long meetings, and routines had a tendency to make her days feel dull. A part of Aelin was worried that Rowan felt the same and must have missed his life in Doranelle. But he never really gave her a reason to worry about that. Rowan was very helpful when it came to helping the citizens rebuild Orynth. “Aside from being here for Elide, I also realized that I wanted to see all of you too. I’ve missed you all so much.”

“We have missed you so much too” Dorian smiled widely “And since you mentioned that you need a break, then a break it is we all shall have. We can plan something fun for all of us to do.”

Chaol raised his brow at this “I think we all have different ideas of what fun is, Dorian.”

“Though Dorian’s excitement appeals to me, I agree with Chaol” Aelin said “What I consider fun is getting into fights. What Dorian considers fun is flirting with everyone and Chaol’s is probably saying one swear word.”

Both men were about to object but Yrene immediately interjected “There’s also Elide and Lorcan who we have to consider. Need I remind you that Elide is still bed-ridden and can barely stay awake long enough to maintain decent conversation? I doubt your ideas of fun can include them.”

“I know, of course I’m going to be taking them into consideration with whatever it is we are going to plan” Dorian said “We’re older now, more mature. I’m sure we can plan something fun that doesn’t have to be crazy.”

“Good luck with that” Aelin said with a snort, then turned to Yrene “Speaking of Elide, I want to go check on her this morning. What time do you usually visit her?”

“I check in with her after breakfast. You can come with me after this.” she said with a smile “But I have to warn you that Elide’s body is still recovering from the stress, so she’s either going to be in deep sleep or awake but groggy and dissorriented.” 

Rowan frowned “Is everything alright?” 

“Yes, so far things are going smoothly. Much better than the first few days.” Yrene explained “You just have to understand that when you show yourselves later, Elide would probably be too tired to notice you, much less have a conversation with you. She can only manage to stay awake for an hour at most.” 

Aelin nodded “It’s okay, Rowan and I just want to check on her. You and Lorcan can just fill us in with how the past days have been for Elide and how the next days are going to be .”

“May I come with?” Dorian asked “I wasn’t able to visit again because of my schedule, but I’m free this morning.”

“Sure, maybe seeing all of you might liven her up a bit. Hopefully she’ll have more energy to stay awake a bit longer to talk since Lorcan has been anxious for days now.”

Aelin chucked softly “When is he not, though?”

= = = = =

“I can’t believe I’m still here” Manon muttered to herself as Abraxos flew her back towards the castle in Rithfold. She already told herself that she would be heading back to The Wastes once she dropped off Aelin and Rowan. But something did not sit well with her last night. She hated the disappointed looks both Lorcan and Abraxos gave her when she said she was going back, that she didn’t plan to say goodbye to both Dorian and Elide.

Manon initially didn’t think it would matter since surely they had lives of their own, other pressing things that occupied their mind. She assumed that Lorcan would even rejoice that she was leaving, maybe that was why his reaction and words the night before bothered her. 

Of course she would never admit it but she felt guilty when Lorcan brought up how upset Elide was about her sudden departure. It made Manon recall Elide crying out for her family, clearly upset by how much she misses them. 

It felt wrong to leave Elide like that, while she was still reeling for the loss of her family while also being physically vulnerable. Manon felt exactly the same way. Even though she wasn’t injured or dealing with physical pain, the strong wave of sadness and longing she felt for her thirteen was strong enough for her chest and throat to hurt when she thought of them. 

She thought that the visit to Terrasen with Abraxos would give some sort of closure for her but after that dream she had, she felt as lost as before. If not more.

Manon decided that if she felt that unsettled by everything then perhaps she could stay in Rithfold for a while. If only to be there for Elide for a day or two and so she could properly say good bye before she went back. Anyways, Manon wouldn’t know when she would be seeing Elide again because of both the physical distance and because of their busy schedules as Queen and Lady. 

As for Dorian...she didn’t even want to untangle that mess of emotions just yet. She’ll deal with him when the situation calls for it. 

Manon didn’t want to pass through the entrance because she was certain Dorian had given words to the guards to call for him once they see her or Abraxos. It was too early in the morning to deal with him so she had her wyvern fly through the back part of the castle, the side which had the least guards roaming around. 

She had Abraxos fly to the balcony that was connected to the room where the Lochans were staying, then jumped off so she could land on the marble. 

Manon knocked on the balcony doors to announce her presence then strode in when no one opened it for her. 

She turned her attention to the bedroom, where Elide was still lying in bed, fast asleep. 

As she walked towards the bedroom, Lorcan appeared out of nowhere and shoved her against the wall. He had his arm against her throat, blocking her airways. It was instinctive for her to retract her nails so she could press the iron against his forearm. 

Lorcan winced when her nails dug on his skin and his eyes widened when he realized that it was Manon who he had pinned to the wall. He let go of her immediately and his posture relaxed, but his frown remained.

“You must have a death wish, entering our room like that” he gritted out “I could have killed you.”

“I knocked.”

“Yet you still entered quietly through the window. I thought you were an intruder, I would have killed you on sight.”

“I would have easily stopped you before that happened” Manon rolled her eyes then brushed past him to sit on the sofa across their bed “How is the witchling?”

“I thought you said you were leaving last night?”

“Well, I’m here now. Deal with it.”

Lorcan raised his brow at her then smirked “You felt guilty.”

“Shut up or I’m leaving.”

“I don’t think you will because you’d feel bad for leaving Elide and Dorian.”

Manon retracted her iron claws again, this time in warning. 

Lorcan raised his hand in surrender. He moved to sit on his side of the bed and reached over to hold Elide’s hand. 

“What happened?” Manon asked, reading the worry and longing on his face as his thumb traced circles against the her skin. 

“Yrene says everything’s fine. Elide’s just been...sleeping so much. It’s been like this for two days. She hasn’t talked to me for longer than five minutes and can barely stay awake to eat.”

“Is that normal?”

“Yrene said so because of the tonic and it’s also her body’s response to the healing.” 

Manon nodded “So what are you worried about if all is going well?”

“I just...need to hear her say that she’s okay. I need to see it too. Sleeping is neutral. I don’t know if everythings fine or if something is wrong.” he said, tense and agitated.

Manon would have made fun of him for how fussy he was being. He was obviously thinking way too much into it, making himself stress over nothing. But she saw that the worry in his face was genuine. It was obvious that his worry was stemming from the fear of losing Elide. 

Perhaps she would understand what he was feeling if something bad like this happened to someone she deeply loved, like how Lorcan loved Elide. 

She tried to picture Asterin. If it were her cousin who was injured like this and was unconscious for a long period of time, Manon could definitely see herself going feral. 

Suddenly the image of an old and frail Dorian filled her vision. Manon could picture his once dark hair, white like hers; his deep blue eyes turning foamy; and his handsome face becoming filled with lines and wrinkles that came with old age. This old Dorian was on the bed, his body shaking from the cold. His wracking cough was loud enough that it became painful to listen to. He was shaking so hard, struggling to keep himself warm. 

The unwelcome image brought out a different kind of pain and rage to Manon. She closed her eyes and tried to erase what she imagined. She never wanted to see that again. 

“Elide will be fine” she found herself saying “Your wife is a fighter, that I know.”

He looked down at Elide once more then gave a small smile “She is.”

Before Manon could ask Lorcan something, Elide stirred slightly in her sleep. 

Both Manon and Lorcan’s eyes were on her, trying to gauge if she would wake up or go back to sleep.

Elide’s fingers twitched then lightly queezed Lorcan’s hand “Lorcan?”

“Elide” Lorcan said softly, breathlessly then let his fingers brush back the strands of hair away from her face “I’m here, love”

Lorcan sagged in relief as her eyes fluttered open and looked at him “What time is it?”

“It’s around nine in the morning of the next day. You were asleep the whole day yesterday.” he said “Do you want to eat breakfast?”

She closed her eyes again but nodded. Elide put her hands on the bed to push herself into a sitting position. Lorcan helped her by reaching over to carefully reaadjust her foot on the pillow. 

Manon stood up swiftly to reach for the plate with food placed on the table, then sat down on the foot of the bed—in front of Elide. 

“Manon? Elide blinked at her in surprise then rubbed her eyes “You’re back”

“I am.”

Elide’s brows furrowed “When did you arrive?”

“Just last night”

Elide studied her through her lidded eyes then pursed her lips. Manon chuckled then offered the plate of food to her.

Lorcan reached for the plate then settled it on her lap. Elide picked a few grapes then popped them in, enjoying the sweetness that filled her mouth. She kept her gaze on the food before her as she ate quietly.

“I’m sorry” Manon started, reading Elide’s silence “I didn’t mean to leave without notice”

“Where were you?”

She sighed then leaned against the post of the bed “Terrasen.”

This made both Elide and Lorcan look up in surprise. Apparently Manon didn’t have to explain why since understanding swept over Elide’s features. The Lady reached over to place her hand on Manon’s leg to offer comfort “How was it?”

Manon gave a sad smile, hoping that was enough to convey what she was feeling. She wanted to talk to her about it but Lorcan’s presence was holding her back from doing so.

Thankfully Lorcan was able to read the room because he kissed Elide’s cheek then told her he’d go and call for Yrene. 

= = = = = 

Dorian was glad that Josefina wasn’t fussy in his arms. 

He loved Chaol’s daughter dearly and was very much fond of her but she didn’t seem to return his affections. Whenever Chaol and Yrene tried to leave her with him, even for just a while, she would always end up thrashing and wailing in his arms. Dorian would result to using his ice magic or invisible hands to distract or entertain the child but the tricks grew old on her quickly. 

So when Josefina was in a pleasant disposition during breakfast and spent time playing in Aelin’s arms after eating, Dorian wanted to maximize her good mood so he begged Aelin and Yrene to let him carry her next. 

So Dorian was very much happy that Josefina’s cheek was now resting on his shoulder while he carried her. All of them were now walking up the stairs, on the way to visit Elide in their chambers. 

When they reached the hallway, their steps faltered when they saw Lorcan walking towards them. 

Lorcan stopped in his tracks and stared blankly at them in surprise. 

“Good morning Lorcan” Aelin greeted with a smirk “Miss me?”

His brows furrowed then looked at Rowan, as if waiting for an explanation as to why they were here. 

“So you’re the visitors Manon was talking about” Lorcan mumbled under his breath “I should have known.”

Dorian froze, not sure if he heard the male correctly “Did you say Manon? She’s here?”

“She’s inside, talking to Elide.”

His hold on Josefina tightened slightly as he processed what he just heard. 

_Manon was here. She came back._

Dorian was certain that if Manon set foot in the castle grounds, his guards would have informed him immediately. He gave them the order days ago. But since no one told him anything, he knew it was because she made sure that she wouldn’t be seen.

Manon was avoiding him. 

The hope that just started to bloom in his chest immediately died when he realized that she went back only for Elide. 

He felt Chaol and Yrene cast a worried glance at him so he distracted himself with their child in his arms. He let his invisible hands tug on the soft curls on Josefina’s head and smiled when she giggled.

Rowan walked towards Lorcan and put his hand on his shoulder “How are you and Elide?”

“She’s awake now and eating her breakfast” he said then exhaled “I suppose that’s good”

Yrene smiled then moved towards their door “That is good. I’ll check on her and see how she’s doing.”

As the rest of the group made to follow Yrene through the door, Lorcan blocked their path and crossed his arms “All of you plan to go inside?”

“Well we’re certainly not here to sweep the hallway.” Aelin said.

He narrowed his eyes at her but remained where he was, blocking the door “Elide’s been tired the past days. I don’t want her to feel obligated to entertain all of you especially if she wants to sleep.” 

“Then maybe you can just tell her that she has visitors” Rowan suggested, before Aelin could make a retort “If she wants to sleep, then we can come back later. But if she is wants to see us then we can stay.”

Lorcan stared at Rowan then looked at the rest of them, contemplating. 

Dorian cleared his throat “I’d like to think that Lady Elide would be glad to know that her friends came all the way here for her.”

Aelin nodded “We just want to see how she is doing. We love her too, you know.”

Lorcan stared at them for a few seconds. He then sighed and moved away from the door, motioning for them to go in. 

Dorian knew that Manon would be inside and yet he wasn’t prepared to see her sitting so casually beside Elide. His breath hitched as he studied her. Manon wasn’t wearing her usual witch leathers, she was in what looked like leather pants and a white loose tunic. Her beautiful white hair was down and all he wanted to do was comb his fingers through them.

She was still breathtakingly beautiful even in ordinary clothes. She still looked so regal with her aura and how she carried herself.

There was a flurry of gasps and pleasantries exchanged between everyone. Elide was obviously surprised and pleased to see Aelin and Rowan, if her wide eyes and tears were any indication. But Dorian didn’t move his gaze away Manon.

She must have felt him staring because her eyes landed on him. 

He hated how couldn’t read her, her golden eyes not giving away what she was thinking or feeling. Granted, she never really was an open book to begin with but he has gotten better at reading her tells over the last year. But right now, he couldn’t read her at all. 

The noise in the room slowly died down which made Dorian look away from Manon and bring his attention to the others in the room. Elide was already looking at him, no doubt reading the whirlwind of emotions on his face. But the Lady didn’t say anything and just offered a small smile.

“I’m glad to see you’re awake, Lady Lochan” Dorian said, trying his best not to look at the witch who was beside her “I hope you like the surprise.”

“I do, I love it.” she exclaimed with a smile then looked at Aelin and Rowan “Thank you for coming, I truly appreciate it. Even though it was unnecessary for you to go all the way here, I’m glad nonetheless”

“I was so worried when we received your letter. I needed to see how you were doing” Aelin said, walking over to the bed so she could embrace Elide. 

Lorcan growled then stepped forward, his eyes watching them carefully, making sure Aelin didn’t hurt Elide by accident. 

“I just want to hug my friends, Lorcan. Don’t be rude.”

Aelin smirked at him, her arms still around the Lady “Yes, don’t be rude, Lorcan.”

He rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. Though Dorian could have sworn that Lorcan’s body was less tense now, probably relieved that Elide was happy. 

“Thank you too, Manon” Elide continued “I also appreciate that you came back and brought them with you.”

“Consider it as my apology for making you upset.”

Dorian frowned at this and faced Aelin and Rowan. 

He saw both of them, along with Chaol, flinch. They didn’t return his stare, and actively avoided looking at him.

They _knew_ Manon was here. _She_ was the one who brought them here. Why they lied about it, he wasn’t sure. But Dorian knew it was not a coincidence that he was the only one who wasn’t aware of this fact. 

“I’m glad to see that you’re doing well, Elide” Dorian said, trying to reign in his annoyance as he felt everyone’s worried stare on him “Unfortunately, I have a meeting with my council in a while. So I’ll leave you all to it. Excuse me.”

“Dorian” Both Aelin and Chaol said softly.

He gently pried Josefina off from his shoulders then placed her in her father’s arms, avoiding Chaol’s pleading stare. 

Dorian strode off and left the room without giving a glance to any of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOoOoh so angsty.
> 
> After rereading the chapters I've written so far, I just realized that the manon x dorian situation feels so slow burn. I'm sorry manorian fans. But don't worry, I like the draft I've written so far for the next chapter. Hehe. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think :)


	21. Chapter 21

“I need you to take deep breaths for me, Elide” Yrene said, soothingly.

Elide’s laboured breathing and moans filled the room, each cry she let out made either Lorcan, Aelin, or Rowan flinch. Manon was the only one who remained calm along with Yrene, knowing that there was already enough worry filling the room. 

Aelin was seated on a chair beside Elide’s bed, allowing the Lady to squueze her hand, her knuckles turning white, as Yrene’s magic probed her foot.

After Dorian left and everyone was finished exchanging pleasantries, Yrene needed to do her routine checking in on Elide’s foot to determine if all was well before she moved on to work on her ankle.

When Yrene carefully examined the bones she regrew, she found that some of her healing magic unravelled—for a lack of a better term. Some of the smaller bones that she healed during the first few days were starting to grow brittle again. When Yrene sent a surge of her power to strengthen the bones, it resisted her magic. As if the bones were pushing back, not wanting to be soothed and healed. 

Elide gasped both in surprise and in pain when she felt the tug, the resistance. This made everyone in the room stand up on instinct. Lorcan was already beside his wife, his hand holding hers as Yrene explained what happened and that she had to tend to bones immediately.

“What?” Lorcan barked in disbelief.

He knew that he was anxious the past days for a reason, he knew there was something not quite right. But Lorcan still tried to reign in his temper and his panic as he listened to the healer’s words. Lorcan couldn’t understand how Yrene’s work suddenly came undone. She was the best after all, so he wasn’t expecting any missteps or miscalculations.

“This injury is a decade old. I may be an excellent healer but I’m not a god. My gifts are limited.” Yrene explained patiently, not at all affected by his outburst “Healing isn’t always linear. There will always be some sort of setback but we just work through it.”

“But it is still curable, right? Elide’s injury can still be healed?” Aelin inquired. 

“Yes. The injury just needs to be dealt with the same level of stubbornness its currently presenting.” Yrene said, frowning as she probed Elide’s foot “I sometimes try to think of injuries as living things. The more complicated the injuries are, the nastier the process to heal it. It’s already familiar with the host’s body, and has created a life for it there. Removing it completely will not be as easy.”

“This is my wife we are talking about” Lorcan said through gritted teeth “I don’t appreciate you talking about her body as if it was some disease infected host.”  
Yrene cast him a glance “It was an analogy.”

“Can you work on it now?” Elide asked softly, cutting off their discussion. Her calm exterior completely contrasting Lorcan “I don’t want to delay it further. It might worsen if we wait.”

The healer agreed with her and has been exerting all that she could in tending to those little cracks on her bones.

It has already an hour since Yrene had her hands wrapped around Elide’s foot, letting all of her magic soothe the brittleness in her bones. Elide rejected the tonic that was offered to her, not wanting to succumb to another endless sleep. She knew that this kind of pain would no doubt make her retreat again to some dark part of her mind that caused her terrible nightmares. Elide wanted to avoid that, and she figured that seeing the faces of her loved ones would help make the pain bearable. 

But Elide quickly realized that it was naive of her to think so because the moment Yrene’s magic flowed through her body, she couldn’t focus on anything else aside from the sharp stinging pain on her foot that didn’t seem to end. 

She didn’t even realize that she was thrashing and crying out until Chaol eventually had to excuse himself and his daughter because her sounds were starting to distress Josefina. 

“Take deep breaths for me, Elide” Yrene said once more, bringing Elide out of her thoughts. 

“There, that’s it” Lorcan encouraged gently—she completely forgot that he was beside her “Breathe in then out.”

Elide forced herself to inhale then exhale slowly, rythymically. She repeated the steady movements, trying to ease her trembling. Her grip on Aelin’s hand was getting tighter and tighter but the Queen remained as calm as she can, gently soothing her with hushed words. 

She felt another painful tug on her foot, as if the bones were pushing back. But Yrene’s magic pushed right back, forcing its way onto her body. This made Elide clench her jaw.

She closed her eyes then tucked her face against her shoulders, feeling how sticky her skin was from sweat.

Elide wanted to cry out more, to thrash until the pain went away. Tears were already threatening to spill down her eyes but she didn’t want to frighten everyone more so than they already were. So she bit her lip to keep from shouting. Even if the thin layer of the skin on her lips already broke. The moment she tasted blood on her mouth, she finally let out a sob.

Lorcan’s hands held her chin then let his thumb open her mouth so she could stop biting her lip. He pressed a clean towel against the skin where she bit herself. Lorcan was chanting the same thing to her softly “It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay”

“You can sleep, Elide.” Aelin said gently, her other hand gently brushing away the tears that started to fall down her face.

Elide looked at her through lidded eyes, but couldn’t find it in her to reply. She could only manage a short shake of her head.

“You can sleep, we’ll be here with you.” Lorcan now said.

Even if she wanted to, Elide was fighting against it. She knew well enough what would happen if she fell asleep again while in pain. 

“You can, Elide” Yrene said, pausing from her work to look at her “Think of happy memories. Try to remember when you were at your happiest so it’s the only thing on your mind.”

“Happy?” she managed to repeat weakly as her eyes started to droop again. She turned her head to look at Lorcan. He kissed her hand and ran his thumb against her palms soothingly.

Elide tried to focus and recall when she had been the happiest.

The past year has been so full of love and joy, how could she choose only one? 

She would have chosen the night when they won during the war. Aside from triumph they all felt after defeating Erawan and Maeve, it was also the night when Lorcan asked her to marry him. Well technically, he made her ask him. Regardless, she was filled with such light and it made her all the more excited and hopeful for her future. She would be spending it with Lorcan, whom she loved. 

But as Elide recalled the happiness that day has brought them, they also lost Gavriel—one of the kindest and patient males she’s met. He was so kind to her and everyone in the cadre that even Lorcan still grieved for him until present. Elide’s heart ached further as she remembered that Manon also lost her twelve witches during the war. She still remembers the pain and emptiness in Manon’s stare a year ago. It seemed wrong for her to be completely rejoiced by that day given the many losses and sacrifices.

So Elide thought of another happy memory and chose the time when they first arrived in Perranth, not quite believing that she was finally home. With Lorcan. But that happy memory was also tainted with the devastation of seeing her city in ruins from the aftermath of the war. 

She wanted to cry in frustration. Was there no happy memory she had that didn’t have any sort of negative feeling attached to it too? Every time there seemed to be a glimmer of hope and happiness it almost always came with a price.

As Elide struggled to think of something happy to distract her with, her eyes landed on her hand which was dwarfed in Lorcan’s. He remained holding her hand in his, his fingers tracing patterns on her skin to soothe her. The silver band on both of their fingers drew her attention, the sight tugging something in her heart. 

How about her wedding day? She recalls how blissful that day was. She smiled to herself as she remembered walking down the aisle, seeing her soon-to-be husband waiting for her at the end of the hall. Elide knew how much Lorcan loved her, and she has told him and shown him countless times how much she also loved him too. But when they exchanged their rings and their vows, when they announced to Terrasen of their promise to love and cherish one another, Elide was overwhelmed once more of the love she had in her heart. 

Never in her years growing up in that tower did she ever dream of loving someone this much and being loved in return. During those times, she already gave up her desire to have any family of her own—not wanting to have anyone else be taken away from her. Her only dream then was to be free and to move to the farthest place from Erilea where she knew her Uncle would never get his hands on her. Elide didn’t even let herself be naive enough to think she’d one day find someone who she would love so much that she would spend the rest of her life with.

She came so far, truly. Both she and Lorcan did. 

So Elide chose to recall their wedding day as she tried to ignore the persistent painful tugs she felt on her bones. She tried her best to remember the complete joy she felt then, how giddy it also made her to see Lorcan smile so much. She always told him how younger and handsome he looked when he smiled, _truly_ smiled, and it was very much plastered on his face when they were wed.

Even Fernys and Aelin’s teasing that day didn’t dim his mood. 

Everything about that day was absolutely perfect. 

And when the ceremony and festivities were over, and when they were _finally_ alone in their room, Elide will never forget how Lorcan couldn’t stop kissing her as he murmured the same words over and over again with such tenderness _my wife, my wife, my wife._

The last thing Elide felt before she fell asleep was Yrene’s magic pushing its way to her bones, finally breaking through the resistance.

= = = = = 

“It’s always been like this?” Aelin asked eventually when Elide was finally asleep.

Lorcan looked exhausted, still worried. He nodded grimly.

“It wasn’t as bad recently” Yrene murmured, still focused on healing “Elide was calm yesterday and the day before. It was only bad the first few days when I worked on the bones of her foot.”

“Yrene had to break them apart and regrow them” Manon explained from the couch where she was seated “It looked like torture. I honestly don’t know how the witchling endured it while she was awake.”

Aelin raised her brow at her “Why are you still here?”

Manon mimicked her expression and tone “For the same reason you are”

“I meant _here_ , in this room, when Dorian left obviously upset. Aren’t you going to go after him?”

Manon looked at her, bewildered “Why? He said he had a meeting.”

“You couldn’t even tell him that you arrived? I don’t know what happened between you two but this is his castle so the least you could do was let him know you were here.”

Manon narrowed her eyes at her, but chose not to reply. If she learned anything about Aelin Galathynius was that sometimes, or _most of the time_ , it was better not to engage with whatever she liked to spew unless you were in the mood for verbal sparring. Which, Manon realized, she wasn’t in the mood for now.

“For a group of busy royals with kingdoms relying on all of you, you lot sure do love melodrama” Lorcan snorted.

“Says the male who looks close to tears everytime his beloved is in any sort of pain” Aelin countered “You must have been a joy to be around this week.”

“I’m sure I was more pleasant to be around than Whitethorn when you left him in Doranelle. He was a cranky and pissy bastard when you were gone.”

Aelin turned to looked at her husband and winked “You couldn’t stand being away from me even then, could you?”

Rowan sighed “I wasn’t aware that this visit required us to insult each other.”

“I’m starting to see that insults are the norm when it comes to all of you” Manon said “Excpet for Elide, of course. I don’t know why she is friends with all of you.”

“If all of you aren’t going to keep quiet, I’m going to ask you all to leave.” Yrene said, her voice firm as she paused from her work. The stern look she gave sobered them immediately. 

When the rest of the group didn’t say anything else, Yrene continued, her hands starting to tremble from the effort she was exerting.

= = = = = 

Dorian spent the remainder of the day on the field, studying the ruks and how they interacted with one another.

Most of the ruks were growing bigger and bigger as the weeks passed. He was lucky that the castle had an expansive field that was big enough for them to stay and roam around. But until now, he still hasn’t figured how to train them and to get the winged creatures to follow his orders.

He has kept in touch with Sartaq, Khagan of the Southern Continent and former commander of the northern armies, who offered a lot of insight on how to best care for the ruks. But with the distance of their lands, their exchanges have been minimal due to their letters often arriving months later than when it was sent. 

So most of the time, Dorian and Chaol were just making decisions based on trial and error. Which sounded like fun but was actually hell. They had numerous scratches around their bodies to prove it.

Dorian’s invisible hands held onto pieces of fresh meat and dangled it towards the ruks. The birds’ attention closed in on the food and all of them drew closer to him. He’s been wanting to teach them how to wait for him to set down the meat before they could eat it, but they never did. The ruks always bit the meat off his hands then flew away from him. 

He wasn’t surprised when they did the same just now and sighed in frustration as he watched the birds move to the other end of the field, gobbling on the meat he was just holding. 

“I see that you’re putting your magical hands to good use” an amused voice said behind him “Though I’m surprised to see The King of Adarlan getting blood all over his fine clothes just to feed some huge birds.” 

He glanced at Manon from the corner of his eye. She was leaning against the garden shed, her hands crossed in front of her chest as she studied the ruks. He looked away quickly. 

“I’m the only one who can feed them. The guards are terrified to get near and they have every reason to be. They can be vicious.”

“Hmm” she said thoughtfully then stalked towards him “Do the ruks have riders already?”

“As I said, everyone’s afraid to be near them. So I’d imagine that no one would volunteer to ride them until they’re trained.”

“The first thing you need to do is have your men choose one ruk each” Manon said “They are easier to train once they have a person who commands them, someone the creature can trust and a rider who trusts them in return.”

This made Dorian turn around and look at her “Was that how you and Abraxos met? You were assigned to him?”

“I wasn’t assigned to him. I chose him and he chose me.”

“How did you choose eachother?”

Manon didn’t say anything for a while, trying to best word it out. “Abraxos wasn’t one of the options I had for my mount. He was just a bait wyvern because of his small size and overall lack of cruelty” she said then gave a low laugh as she recalled this “I was about to get killed by one of the wyverns who I was vying for but Abraxos and I took that rutting traitorous worm down together.”

The corner of Dorian’s lips tugged upward “Abraxos is smart. He knew you were someone worth helping. I bet he considers himself lucky and proud that his rider is now Queen.”

“I’m the one who is lucky and proud to have him.”

He nodded, a part of him wanting to genuinely smile at how sentimental she sounded. If that were even possible. “So you want me to line my men up and make them choose which ruk they want to command? Determine which one they have any sort of attachment or bond with?”

“Good job, princeling.” she said “Though I know it’s easier said than done but it’s a good start.”

Dorian still kept his gaze on the horizon, watching the ruks and sun that was starting to set on the horizon. Sunsets were one of his favorite views because there was something relaxing about watching the sun slowly disappear while the sky gradually become dark. After a long and busy day, he found comfort in watching the sun set each day.

But in that moment, even with the ruks flying around and the sun setting, they paled in comparison to who wasbeside him. It was an effort to keep his gaze on the skies and not on _her._

Manon made it clear to him what she wanted—or what she _didn’t want_. So Dorian decided that he wouldn’t be doing or saying anything that would jeopordize whatever friendship they had now. If she even considered him a friend. 

He wondered if he would get used to this. He wanted so much more from her while she didn’t seem to want anything to do with him. If he pushed Manon with whatever he felt, he would lose her. She’s made that crystal clear. But if he allowed himself to be kept at arm’s length...Dorian wasn’t sure how long he could endure it. This thing between them was a stalemate.

The air was already pregnant with silence so Doriam cleared his throat, his gaze ahead “I’m heading back, I wish to sleep early. ”

Manon nodded then toed the dirt in front of her “I’ll check on Abraxos first then Elide again.”

“So you’ll still be staying?”

“Yes”

He crossed his arms and shrugged “That’s good, I suppose. Lady Elide was upset when you left abruptly.”

“So I’ve been told.”

Dorian spared a quick glance at her then brushed his hands on his pants “Well... I’ll leave you to it then. I’m sure Lady Elide is glad that you’re staying.”

As he started to walk away, Manon called after him “How about you?”

Dorian paused on his tracks, his back still to her “What about me?”

“Are _you_ glad that I’m staying?”

This made him turn around to look at her. Everything in her posture and stance told him that she was uncomfortable. She was stiff, her arms crossed in front of her defensively. But she was looking him in the eye and she didn’t avert her gaze as he allowed himself to study her face.

Manon was so beautiful. _Gods_ , if only he could—

“I don’t see how it matters” Dorian said then shrugged “Excuse me, I’d like to head back.”

Manon didn’t say anything else as he strode off and went back the castle. 

He felt the witch’s eyes on him the entire walk back.

= = = = = 

Manon was lying in bed, in one of the guest bedrooms, unable to get some sleep. It irritated her how her mind never seemed to shut up when she was alone. She was thinking too much. It could very much lead her into insanity if she didn’t know how to pull herself out of her thoughts. 

Ever since her visit to Terrasen, she hasn’t been able to get a good night’s sleep. Every time her eyes were closed, she saw her thirteen. She could hear Asterin’s voice and her last words to her clearly.

_“Live, Manon. Live.”_

Something about that command has haunted her for a year but it was much worse now. She felt her cousin’s disappointment at her refusal to do what she asked in her dream. The idea felt ridiculous since it was just a dream and it was in no way truly her cousin but she still felt as if she was letting them down. 

Why did she feel as though she was letting them down?

Manon gave and gave so much of herself despite the fact that her family was taken away from her. She has done everything to make sure that their kingdom would be rebuilt and that ties between all witches would be strengthened. Of course she was aware that with rebuilding and reestablishing a kingdom, they still had a long way to go. But small steps were still progress. All were still adjusting and making the best out of the aftermath of the war but everyone was already in a much better place than were they were from a year ago. 

Despite Manon’s difficulty to start a new family with the witches in The Wastes, despite feeling like she wasn’t worthy of the position and power entrusted to her, Manon still managed. She did so much for her kingdom, poured her waking hours into rebuilding and helping the witches settle into their new lives. And Manon did all of that without _them._

So why does she still feel like something was missing? Like she was still doing something wrong?

“Gah!” Manon groaned then threw her pillow against the wall in frustration. She reached out to grab another pillow and threw it to the opposite end of the room. Her iron nails retracted and it took everything in her not to tear the sheets to shreds. So Manon kicked the blankets off from her body then stood up to pace around the room. 

She clutched on the strands of her hair and massaged her temples, feeling her head ache along with her chest. Why was her chest aching? Her hand clutched her chest as she felt it tighten, making it painful for her to breathe. Surprise filled her as she felt her cheeks damp from the tears that were running down her face. 

Manon stormed out of the bedroom, needing to be anywhere but alone with her thoughts. 

As she walked along the long hallways, she found herself getting closer and closer to the hall where she knew Dorian slept. 

Manon has never been inside his room. Of course he has invited her multiple times to see his room or to spend time with him inside but she always declined, feeling like she was invading his privacy—an intruder in his safe space. Manon also knew that her presence there would raise certain expectations from him and everyone else who would see her go in and out of his chambers. 

But damn it all, she just wanted some damned rest. And all she could think of was how much sleep she got when she shared a tent with Dorian over a year ago despite the fact that they were in the middle of a damn war. 

Dorian’s presence was always oddly comforting when he wasn’t being preachy and smug. So Manon padded along the hall that led to his chambers.

When she was finally in front of his door, she raised her fist to knock on the wood but paused just when her fist was about to make a sound.

What if he was already asleep? Or worse, what if he sends her back to her room?

Well, Manon supposed that it would be fair, considering how she lashed out on him days ago just because he wanted to know how she was doing. She did leave him alone on that field then disappeared for days only to hide from him the moment she went back. 

If he laughs at her face or dismisses her completely then she would understand. But Manon decided to at least try. 

She knocked on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I managed to post a new chapter! 
> 
> I know I joke a lot about not having brain cells but it really did feel that way for the last two weeks (or month actually lol). I couldn’t write anything for days and I always found myself fast asleep whenever I attempted to type anything lol. 
> 
> My writer’s block is so bad that I chose to write the chapter note first before finishing anything. Yes, the note that you are reading literally now is being written by me as I stare at my laptop and couldn’t think of anything to write. I have NO THOUGHTS, NO IDEAS, ZERO progress. And yet, here I am writing an end note, pretending like my brain managed to get shit done. I blame work and burnout. 
> 
> Update: since you guys are reading this now then it obv means i managed to write and publish a new chapter so yay good job, self! I spent 10 days staring blankly at my laptop then 4 days typing so much stuff. Scorpio season really be doing its magic!!!


	22. Chapter 22

It wasn’t uncommon for Dorian to be staring up at the ceiling late at night. Ever since the war ended, he found that he struggled with falling asleep easily despite how physically or mentally exhausted he was. He’d tried everything—reading at night, meditation, filling the room with lavender and so on, just so he could relax until he fell asleep. 

It would work at times, but most of the times it didn’t.

Closing his eyes and succumbing to sleep has made him see images he wishes he could bleach from his mind. He has seen the face of his father contorted in rage demanding someone to their death. Sometimes he sees his _true_ father—not the valg infected King, when he apologized to him then sacrificed himself to lock the keys. 

As if his confused feelings toward his dead father wasn’t bad enough, the thought of him always led to Sorscha, his former love, struggling as his father instructed the guards to have her beheaded. He saw it all very clearly, the pool of blood on the marble with her body lying on the ground, her decapitated head a few inches away—

He shuddered.

That image was always the worst. Dorian often found himself paralyzed in terror when assaulted by the memories of the dark and thick blood spilling on the floor, seeing the glint of the blade as the guard held it high, then hearing the _thud_ of Sorscha’s head, then not being able to do anything.

Those memories had Dorian waking up in cold sweat then scrambling to the bathing chambers to retch.

Thankfully those nightmares weren’t as frequent anymore. But when they did occur, he always felt the same vulnerability as the first time it happened. 

So for the past year it was routine for Dorian to lie down in bed, stare at the ceiling then read a book if he was feeling restless. When worst came to worst, Dorian was desperate enough to walk late at night to the Westfall residence just to talk to Chaol or watch over Josefina. Seeing and being with them always calmed him down much so that he has fallen asleep over at their place multiple times already. 

He wishes that he wasn’t so dependent on the Westfalls but it’s not like he could get that comfort from Hollin or his mother. Both of them were too traumatized from what they heard happened to their father that they refused to talk about anything about the war, and have sequestered themselves in their room. Dorian isn't even sure if they know of his role in all that has happened during the war. He supposes it’s best for their sanity if they were ignorant of him staying in Morath, plotting with Maeve then leaving the place in shambles. 

Dorian was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling as his thoughts drifted to the conversation he had with Manon earlier.

A part of him was relieved that she was talking to him again, that she wasn’t hostile like how she was the day she left him on that field then left for Terrasen. Manon was just acting like nothing happened. It was a good thing at first but he eventually realized that he was disappointed that she didn’t bring it up, that she didn’t seem to want to deal with that sort of conversation again. 

Dorian wanted for them to talk about it, to confront all that needs to be said between them. 

He has lived his life holding back his tongue, not voicing out what needs to be said in fear of his father. He used to be a coward who chose to turn a blind eye to everything, choosing to keep silent even if everything in him wanted to roar out what he thought and felt. 

Dorian refuses to be a coward again. The next time he sees her, they will talk. Manon’s temper be damned. 

Before he could think of how he planned to talk her, he heard the faint sound of footsteps on the down the hallway. 

He bolted upright then squinted in the dark as a gentle knock sounded from the door.

Dorian opened the door to the sight of Manon was looking up at him, her eyes heavy-lidded and red-rimmed, her hair disheveled as if she was just tugging at it. She was in the same clothes she was wearing the entire day. 

“Manon” he said in surprise then rubbed his eyes “Is everything alright?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” 

He nodded in understanding “Me either...”

“Can I come in?” she asked, her eyes darting behind him, assessing his room in the darkness. 

Dorian opened the door wider then moved to the side, gesturing for her to go inside. 

Despite how tired she and unsure she looked earlier, she strode into his room as if it were hers. She moved around the room, inspecting every detail. She tilted her head back her eyes taking in the large space, the high ceiling, then the tower of books piled up one end of the room.

“Your room is so much bigger than mine” she said absentmindedly.

“Well, I _am_ King” He said with a shrug “The room I gave you is the best among the guest rooms though.”

“I like this room better.”

“Even with all the mess?” he asked then gestured towards the different books, papers, and random objects strewn around the room.

“I like the mess” Manon said “I can’t handle things being too...perfect. Clean.”

“Likewise.”

Manon stared at him for a beat, her eyes not leaving his. Dorian felt heat rushing to his cheeks as the witchling didn’t look away. But he met her stare, feeling the room closing in on them even if they were a few feet apart.

As he studied her face in the moonlight, he just realized how tired she looked. Her eyes looked heavy, as if she’s battling exhaustion. When he squinted in the dark, he also realized that the corners of her eyes were still damp, as if she had just been crying before she came here.

Dorian took a step forward, not knowing why exactly, but he just needed to be closer—

“I’m going to sleep here.” 

He blinked at her in surprise as she moved to one of his dressers then rummaged through his clothes “Are you kicking me out of my room?”

“I didn’t tell you to leave” she said then brought out one of his longer and loose tunics, then held it up “May I?”

He nodded. 

“I’ve always invited you to stay here whenever you visited. You declined every time” Dorian said, looking away as Manon started to undo the laces of her top “It’s not like we haven’t shared a tent before.”

Manon didn’t say anything, but he heard the rustling of her clothes which meant she was still changing. He forced himself to keep his attention on the other end of the room and not on Manon’s shadow, which showed each movement that her body was making. 

Thankfully, Dorian noticed some of his books which were on the floor so he bent to pick them up then placed it back on the desk. When he was done, he heard the rustling of the sheets and a soft creak that came from the bed. 

When he turned around, Manon was already lying down, her her body curled against one of his pillows.

Dorian tried to calm his heart which was starting to beat faster as he walked back to his side of the bed and settled beside her. When he was lying down on the bed, he curled up on his side so he was facing her.

Manon, having felt his movement, turned over so that she was facing him too.

“I’m sorry” she said after a while. _For the hurting you on the field, for leaving you behind, for hiding from you when I got back_ , she didn’t say.

But Dorian understood, knew that she wasn't really good with expressing herself and it was already considered a miracle that she was apologizing. So he nodded “Thank you...I’m sorry too, for pushing you. I just wanted—”

“You don’t have to explain, I understand” she said softly “I don’t like talking about them or thinking about them too much. It hurts.”

“I know” he replied then gave a deep sigh “I know exactly what you mean.”

“You do?”

“I’ve lost someone who I loved too, you know.”

Manon’s brows furrowed “I thought you hated your father.”

“A part of me still does but it’s more complicated than that” he said then looked down at Manon’s hands which were propped under her head “And I wasn’t talking about my father.”

Manon didn’t say anything for a while then yawned, her breath fanning his face. Her eyes started to droop but she managed to whisper “Let’s continue tomorrow. I’m tired.”

Dorian nodded, grateful that she acknowledged that there’s more to talk about and that she still wants to talk more tomorrow. Does that mean she’ll be sleeping here with him again? 

Before he could let his excitement over the prospect of what tomorrow entails get the best of him, he tried to focus on the fact that Manon was beside him, trusting him enough to fall asleep in his presence. 

“Good night, witchling.” 

“Good night, princeling.”

Both of them stared at each other for a while, drinking each other’s features, neither saying anything for the rest of the night. 

Dorian forgot if it was him who fell asleep first or if it was Manon, but what he did know was that it was one of the calmest sleeps he has had in a while. 

= = = = = 

“The damage done to the ankle is more complicated than I thought” Yrene said, her brows furrowed. It was early in the morning of the next day and they were already starting it with such _wonderful_ news. Elide wished that she slept in during the morning so she didn’t have to deal with this. 

Yrene’s hands and magic felt around Elide’s ankle, ignoring her wincing “Broken bones and torn ligaments...left untreated for years”

“I thought we knew this already?” Lorcan asked, tense.

“There’s also these abrasions that the chain has left on your skin...” the healer murmured absentmindedly as she probed deeper, examining all that was needed to be examined. 

The mention of the chain made Elide recoil, as if feeling the heavy weight of the metal clamped around her ankle again. She bit her lip as she tried to shake away the memories of her moving around Morath while being chained.

Yrene looked up at her in surprise, her face apologetic “I’m sorry, Elide. I had to be thorough to make sure I wouldn’t miss anything.”

Elide merely nodded in response, her heart pounding as she prepared herself for Yrene’s verdict.

“The ankle will be a much more complicated process to heal because of the combination of broken bones and the amount of ligaments that are torn” Yrene said, facing Lorcan “The more ligaments involved and the worse they are torn means the injury is severe. Add that with the fact that this has been left untreated for a long time.”

That didn’t sound good. 

Elide closed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath. 

“What are you saying, Yrene?” Lorcan asked, his voice filled with dread. As if he, like Elide, was already expecting the worst. 

“I’m still going to do my best to heal your ankle, Elide. Thankfully my abilities can increase the likelihood of the healing procedure to progress. But...” Yrene paused then looked away, clearly trying to think of the best way to explain whatever she needed to say “I need you both to consider that there is a possibility that the injury will not be fully healed.”

Silence filled the room, the information sinking in. 

It felt weird, feeling a roaring in Elide’s mind despite it also being very much blank at the moment. Perhaps this is what they meant when they say that silence was deafening. 

Eventually, Lorcan’s warm hands found hers but she refused to open her eyes. She didn’t want to look at Lorcan yet, in fear of her breaking down again if she did.

“How big of a possibility are we talking about?” Lorcan asked Yrene, his voice surprisingly gentle.

“Right now, I’d say about 30 percent.”

Silence again.

“Of course it’s subject to change depending on how things progress and how Elide’s body will react to the treatments I’ll be doing” Yrene said “I’m confident in my skills and powers but I think it’s fair that you both know that there is a possibility of the injury not fully recovering, no matter how small that possibility is.”

Lorcan nodded “What will be the procedure?”

"I’ll be doing the same thing with what I did with her foot. I’ll be making an incision on the ankle so I could break down the broken bones then I’ll regrow them.” she explained “The only difference is the additional procedure which requires me to remove the damaged ligaments and replace it with tissue to grow a new one its place.”

“Then why is there a risk? Why the possibility of it the injury not getting fully healed?”

“Like I said, the injury is intricate and complex because of how long this was left untreated and the fact that there are multiple parts that are damaged. It’s not just one bone and one torn ligament, there are multiple ones. I have to make sure to heal and correct each one individually and also get them to work as a whole again.”

“How about the pain...How bad will it be?”

This time, Yrene gave an apologetic smile towards Elide “I’m afraid it’s going to be the same as before. I’ll be giving you a tonic of course, but you’ll definitely feel the pain when you wake up. And it will take a lot of getting used to.”

“And even after all the procedures, we will have to work on learning how to walk properly again. We’ll be doing exercises for your foot and ankle and that process will also be a bit painful...Not _too_ painful, but it isn’t completely painless either.” Yrene explained.

“Okay.” Lorcan said, then brushed his hand agains Elide’s cheeks “Do you have any questions you want to ask Yrene?”

Elide opened her eyes slightly, just to look at the healer “What’s the worst case scenario?”

“Elide—” Lorcan started.

“I want to know.”

Yrene looked between her and Lorcan “When broken bones and ligaments are left untreated it can result to two things. The first is one is they remain broken, with no chance to heal at all. The second one is there is a chance for them to get healed but it takes longer than usual to do so, with the risk of some complications.”

Elide nodded, taking the time to absorb the information. “You said earlier that there’s a possibility of it not getting _fully_ healed. So if it heals partially, what would be the end result?”

“That will all depend on how your injuries will respond to my healing” Yrene said “Partially healed could mean you can still walk around but for a small amount of time only, or it could mean you can still walk but can’t do strenuous activities, or you’ll be dependent on tonics and vials I’ll give you for movement and maybe even a cane. Nothing is set in stone, of course, but those are the likely scenarios _if_ the injury won’t heal completely.”

“Okay” Elide said softly “Thank you”

“Do you still have any questions? Would you wish to start today or do you want to sleep on it first?”

“Can you give us a moment please?”

Yrene nodded then stood up to leave the room “I’ll be right outside. Do you want me to call for Aelin or Manon?”

“No need, thank you.”

Yrene nodded then left, closing the door gently behind her. 

“Elide” Lorcan whispered then settled beside her on the bed, wrapping his arms around her.

She clutched onto him, her mind a now a whirlwind of emotions “Thirty percent isn’t that big but it isn’t small either.”

“I know” he said, his hand rubbing her back.

“Lorcan, I don’t know what to feel, what to expect. I—” she paused, her voice wavering “I thought I wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore I…”

“It’s okay, let it out.”

And just like that, the dam of tears unleashed itself once more “I thought I was enduring the past days so everything can be better. I don’t know how I’ll take it if I feel more pain only for me to never walk again.”

“Don’t say that” he said “Yrene didn’t say anything about never walking again.”

“But she did say that I might be dependent on tonics and a cane! That’s almost the same thing, Lorcan. I’ll be an invalid.”

“We’ll worry about that _if_ it comes to that. But it won’t do us any good if we assume the worst will happen.”

“I know, it’s just—It’s only been a week, Lorcan! It’s just been a week but it feels like forever” Elide cried “Now I have to go through the same thing again, knowing that there’s a possibility that things aren’t getting better.” 

“I’m tired, Lorcan” she whispered, so soft that Lorcan wouldn’t have probably heard it if it weren’t for his fae senses “I don’t know if I can still do it”

Lorcan held her, hugged her tighter as she continued to weep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is so sad. Healing stories always make me emotional. It's so hard to read about it and much harder to write about it. Idk why I chose to do this, especially as my first multi-chapter fic. 
> 
> I’m really sorry for projecting my shit onto you, Elide. I love you and I’ll give you a happy ending I swear. Honestly, I just want to get this fic over with so I can just write tooth-rotting fluff and / or shameless smut next.
> 
> Also, If you find some errors with the medical info I gave, I apologize. I tried my best to google and watch vids but yeah I’m not a medical professional haha. But I will link the main sources I based all the info on! :) 
> 
> Sources:  
> https://www.midatlanticorthonj.com/blog/dangers-of-bone-fractures-if-left-untreated  
> https://nyulangone.org/conditions/nonhealing-fractures-in-adults/diagnosis  
> https://gotoortho.com/torn-ligaments/  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9AiVkA4YG4&t=243s  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkEPXKwx1HY&t=131s


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayy it’s my bday tom so my bday gift to myself is to upload this chapter so that I could finally cross this off my to do list haha. 
> 
> This is chapter is elorcan heavy so I hope you enjoy the equal amounts of fluff and angst here (because I certainly did)

Lorcan wished that he possessed magic where he could transfer emotions and feelings to others so Elide wouldn’t have to experience this. He would gladly take the brunt of the pain of all his wife was going through. 

He was glad that he convinced her to take the entire day to rest, to collect her thoughts and feelings, and to talk to him. Lorcan knew she would regret Yrene working on her when she was still very much upset and reeling. 

Once Yrene left their room, Lorcan held Elide in his arms for a quite some time while she cried and expressed her frustrations about the small chance of Yrene not being able to reverse the damage done to her foot. 

Lorcan always knew that there was a possibility of her injury not fully healing. He was a strategist which meant he had to assume all possible outcomes—no matter how bad they were, and think of other courses of action. Despite this, hearing Yrene say it and speak it into existence threw him off. It upset him more than he expected considering he already knew it a possibility.

Lorcan supposed that perhaps he had been too hopeful. Ever since they’ve made it out alive of the war and ever since he’s married Elide, it had made him see that perhaps there was some goodness in the world. That there was a reason to hope that things _do_ get better. He has considered himself very lucky for everything that he has right now and he just assumed that luck would extend to Elide’s healing.

Aside from that, Lorcan also didn’t want to dwell on the likelihood of Elide’s injury not fully recovering because he knew how hopeful his wife was about it. Despite how nervous she was for the procedure, she was so eager to finally be rid of the difficulty and pain. 

Lorcan has tried to let go of his anger towards Vernon, who was already dead. But seeing Elide crying or in pain never failed to whet his anger. It made him wish that he could resurrect the man just to torture him again. 

“Before meeting Yrene, a part of me already accepted that I was going to have this forever” Elide said, her head resting on his chest as her tears subsided “But ever since Yrene told me that she could heal me, that everything could go back to normal...that possibility brought out hope that has never left me since.”

“I want it so much. I've already pictured myself running and moving around with ease. But now…” she trailed off, her fingers twitching restlessly against his chest “That dream felt like it was within reach before. Now, I’m scared that it will just remain a dream- one that I’ll never get to experience.”

“What is it that you fear...if it does come to that?’ Lorcan asked, tentative. He wasn’t trying to be pessimistic, especially when it came to Elide. But he just wanted to understand how she was processing things.

“I...I feel like I’m always going to have some part of Vernon on me. Like I’m not fully going to move on since whenever I look down at my foot or feel pain, all that I will remember is how he refused to let an eight year old heal, how he put heavy chains on my injured foot, how he locked me up and kept me away from the world.”

His ancient heart ached to hear that. That Elide still felt Vernon’s presence despite the fact that he was dead and that they’ve made sure to wipe all traces of him from Perranth. Her injury was always going to be a cruel token for surviving his inhumane ways. That wasn’t something they could easily erase. 

Lorcan’s hold on her tightened, his fingers running down soothing strokes down her arms “You’ve moved on from his cruelty though, love. Haven’t you? You’ve been so happy and content the past year. Tired—yes, from all the rebuilding, but you’ve told me how fulfilled you feel for helping people have a new start to their lives. You’ve never let his actions stop you from living your life and from helping others do the same.”

“I know” she said softly “I know, it’s just...It’s an effort to do so when he still haunts me sometimes. I guess I was hoping that it would be easier to forget him if I didn’t have a physical reminder.”

Lorcan knew this, of course. He has seen how she tried her best to ignore the pain, ignore the injury as if acknowledging it meant letting Vernon win. Even if she tried her best not to affect her, her unconscious mind says otherwise. 

He has woken up to her trembling and crying out in her sleep a few times over the past year, knowing damn well what the cause of her nightmares were. It was instinctive for him to always hold her and comfort her but it was a challenge to do so when she didn’t like to be touched when she had nightmares of Vernon or Morath. Instead, he has learned how to bring comfort by coaching her with her breathing and by guiding her thoughts back to the present.

“I know it is difficult to move on and be happy with our lives when our past still haunts us” Lorcan said, evenly “But choosing to wake up everyday and just _trying_ to not let the bad times win is already a victory. We just have to take things one day at a time.”

Elide nodded in agreement then sighed “One day at a time.”

“I got that from you. You told me the exact same thing a while back.” When he too had woken up from his own nightmares of Maeve, of Elide dying, of Perranth going into flames...

“I know. I’m just too upset to really appreciate my great advice.”

Lorcan pressed his lips against her head “It’s okay. What else upsets you?”

Elide was silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts. For a while, Lorcan thought that she wanted to drop the conversation already, and was ready to let her sleep again when she continued. 

“Aside from the pain, I was also looking forward to having the limp gone. I could manage without all the fussing and pitying glances people throw my way” she mumbled “I don’t like feeling weak, like I can’t do anything on my own. I’m perfectly capable of doing things, I’ve managed my whole life without help.”

Ah yes, of course. Almost everyone back home felt inclined to offer Elide help in almost everything she did. From walking up and down the stairs, making her bed, to helping out with the chores, all the members of the household always made sure to offer that they do it instead. As well intentioned it may be, this always led to Elide’s cheeks turning a dark shade of pink from embarrassment and indignation. Lorcan, Nox, and Finnula were the most persistent when it came to fussing over her which has led Elide to bicker with them endlessly about it. 

“People either pity me or underestimate me because of my injury and I’m sick of it” she said, sullenly “I am _more_ than my injuries. My past shouldn’t define who I am. But having people treat me differently makes me think that they can’t see beyond my damned limp.”

“Perranth loves and admires you so much, Elide. I’ve seen it in their eyes and I’ve heard how they speak of you. You’re strong, you are a great leader and a very loving person. Those who underestimate you are just a few bigoted fools and I say to hell with them. They don’t matter.” Lorcan said with passion. He was, after all, the one who was the most proud of her “As for the fussing, well, I’d like to think that it’s just how the people show their love and concern for their Lady.”

Elide snorted “Of course you would think that. You’re the fussiest of them all. They probably take their cues on how to fuss from you.”

“Then we can assign you more roles in the physical aspect of rebuilding. Remind me to make you carry all those big logs of wood or sacks of bricks the next time we help rebuild houses.” Lorcan teased, trying to ease her mood “You could join my training too. If it makes you and your pride feel better, I won’t go easy on you and will train you like how I did with Rowan and Fenrys.”

Elide gave him an amused look “Meaning you’ll just snarl at me then call me a bastard while you beat me to a pulp?”

Lorcan tried not to flinch and scowl at the image of him laying a hand on her “I am a great teacher. Why do you think Rowan and Fenrys are so good at fighting and using their powers?”

“Maybe because they were already good to begin with?” 

“Ha! Why do you think I was so grumpy before I met you? I was surrounded by a bunch of grumpy dramatic brutes who had no discipline with their bodies and magic whatsoever. I had to tolerate them for centuries.” 

Elide finally laughed at this, to Lorcan’s relief, then leaned up to kiss his cheek “Okay, fine. You’re a great teacher. I would know since you did teach me how to read and write.”

“Oh, I can’t take most of the credit there since my student was already very smart and hardworking to begin with” Lorcan said then pressed his lips against hers. She let out a small laugh against his lips then kissed him back. The familiarity of their teasing made him realize how much he missed the lightness of it. The past week has been so heavy for Elide and he was relieved that he could still bring a smile to her face despite the circumstances. When Lorcan pulled away, he studied her face to see if there was still any lingering sadness in Elide’s eyes. 

“I feel a bit better now” she said softly, meeting his gaze “I’ll just rest today...I’ll tell Yrene that I’m ready to start tomorrow.”

Lorcan nodded “I’m here for you, Elide. No matter what happens. You know that, right?”

“I do” Elide said then looked up at him to give a small smile.

He bent to kiss her again “Do you wish for Manon or Aelin to be here with us tomorrow?”

Elide thought about it “They can come before or after Yrene’s session. I just want it to be you for the entire procedure.”

Lorcan nodded “What do you want to do for the rest of the day? You can read, or eat more, or go back to sleep again.”

“I think I’ll sleep for a while...I can read later.”

Elide pulled away from his embrace and settled against the pillows, her body curling up on the bed. Lorcan watched her, to make sure that there were no traces of distress on her features. 

He was relieved when she easily fell sleep after a while. 

When Yrene came back a few hours later just to check on Elide, Lorcan was upon the healer in an instant “Explain the bond that ties you and Chaol.”

Yrene jumped in surprise, her hand flying to her chest “The bond? Um our marriage?”

Lorcan scowled “The bond. How your magic is tied to his ability to walk.”

“I’m assuming you’re asking to see if you can do the same for Elide” Yrene said eventually, when her heart finally relaxed. She took a seat on one of the chairs in the sitting room then faced him “What happened to me and Chaol was beyond my powers, it was a special case.”

“I just want to know how it happened in your case. I need to know if it’s possible. If there’s a way that my magic can be tied to Elide to heal her injury.”

Yrene considered this “It took months for me to heal Chaol’s damaged spine. But because of a Valg attack, he took a fatal blow to his entire back to save me. It unravelled all the months of hard work we put in and he was dying already… I don’t know what happened exactly but my ancestors and all the past torre healers helped in healing him. The price was that he was bound to me. Chaol can move and walk just fine if my power is at it’s fullest. But when it’s not, it directly affects him too.”

Lorcan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose “So it wasn’t you who did the binding?”

“I’m sorry, no. I wouldn’t know how to do such a thing, either way.”

Lorcan exhaled in frustration “I thought there was a way that I could tie my powers permanently to Elide”

“How about the _carranam_ bond? The one Aelin and Rowan share.”

“The bond is only for fae. It’s also very rare and can be dangerous to test out.”

“Have you discussed all this with Elide?” 

He shook his head “I just thought of it earlier and I didn’t want to give her false hope if it wasn’t possible anyway.” 

Yrene nodded then gave him a sad smile “Elide didn’t take it well, did she?’

“She took it well enough considering how hopeful she was that she didn’t even consider the possibility of this not working.” 

“I’m sorry” Yrene said eventually “I’m still doing my best to make sure all goes well. I just didn’t want you two to be blindsided even if it is just a small possibility.”

“A small possibility is still a possibility” Lorcan said “Atleast to Elide, that’s how it looks like.”

“To be fair, there is always a margin of error in any endeavor.”

“I know.”

“What did she decide then? Does she still want to push through?”

Lorcan sighed “Yes, she said she can start tomorrow. She’s sleeping now.”

“I was thinking...maybe Chaol could talk to her. I’m sure out of all of us, he would understand most what she is feeling.” Yrene said, biting her lip “Chaol was in a really dark place when he was injured, I could hardly stand him then. I do not wish for Elide to experience all the negative thoughts and emotions that my husband was dealing with during that time. Elide is strong but pain can be a vicious thing, it makes even the strongest bow to it. She needs as much people to support her.”

Lorcan nodded, grateful and relieved that Yrene offered. He has seen trained warriors retreat into that darkness. He has seen his trained men devoid of any feeling after experiencing a war, after getting severely injured, or after they’ve experienced a death of a loved one. That void of sadness and emptiness Lorcan felt from them made it unbearable to witness even if they were mere acquaintances to him. So the idea of Elide retreating into the same kind of darkness...it terrified Lorcan beyond reason. 

He needed all the help he could get to avoid that from happening to Elide “Thank you, Yrene.”

= = = = = 

The feeling of being well-rested brought suspicions to Manon which made her bolt upright from where she was lying down. 

She squinted against the light hitting her face directly then scanned the room she was in. Realization dawned upon her as she recalled where she was and who was beside her.

When she took a nervous glance to her right, she was relieved to see that she didn’t rouse Dorian. 

He was still curled up and facing her side, his dark hair tousled over his cheeks, blocking his eyes. But from the calm and steady breaths he made, Manon didn’t need to know that his eyes were closed and that he was still fast asleep. 

Manon smiled to herself as she studied Dorian looking so...unkept. 

Even before he was King, he always looked so clean and polished. From the way he styled his hair to the way he dressed and carried himself. Now, he looked as normal as he ever did. Like he was just a regular man. 

As if on cue, the King of Adarlan gave a soft snore—to Manon’s amusement. 

Before her laugh could wake him up, she stretched her legs to the side then carefully stood up from the bed. She padded over to the adjoining bathing chambers where she planned on taking a bath.

When Manon stepped out of the bathing chambers, feeling clean and more awake, Dorian was already up, changing out of his sleeping attire and into his usual pants, tunic, and vest. 

“Good morning” he greeted her, taking in her wet hair and the robe she covered herself up with “I wish you woke me up when you did.”

“I didn’t want to disturb you.” 

He eyed her warily “So you didn’t leave me asleep to sneak out on me?”

“I wouldn’t have taken a bath and still be here if I wanted to avoid you.”

This made Dorian smile a her “Good.”

“Good.” she said back then walked towards his drawers so she could rummage for something clean to wear. She wasn’t in the mood to walk back to her room to change anyway.

"I trust that you slept well?" he asked 

"I did. You?" 

"I did too." 

Manon nodded, pleased to know that fact. But since she didn't know what to say she just settled with "Good." 

“You’ll have clothes brought here in a while” Dorian told her after a while “I already had someone get something for you to wear. I figured that you didn’t want to walk down the hall in just my tunic or in that robe. It might cause a riot.”

“Hmm if that’s all it would take to cause a riot in here then I’m curious to see what would happen if I walked around naked.” 

Dorian blinked at her, his eyes moving down her body quickly then back up to meet her eyes “Chaos would definitely ensue. But I wouldn’t mind, of course.”

“Charming” she said, a knowing smirk already tugging at her lips. 

“Manon” Dorian said, more serious and slightly apologetic this time “I have to attend to meetings in the morning and afternoon. I’m afraid I cannot be with you for the day.”

Manon nodded, trying to swallow the twinge of disappointment she felt “Of course”

She was planning on continuing where their conversation left off last night. But of course, Dorian had a day ahead of him planned. She should have expected it since she was a ruler too after all. She knew how hectic one’s schedule could be, how demanding it was to be in charge of a kingdom. 

“Try not to look too disappointed” Dorian teased. 

But when she didn’t say anything teasing back, he walked towards her then tentatively reached to hold her hand in his “You can stay here again tonight...if you wish.”

Manon looked down at their joined hands “I’ll see.”

“Okay” he said softly, then jumped in surprise when there was a knock on the door. He pulled away to see who was knocking, then came in a moment later with a deep red coloured dress in hand. 

She raised a brow at the dress “That isn’t mine.”

“It is now” he said then handed her the dress “Only if you want it, of course.”

“I don’t wear dresses...I only do when there’s a ceremony in The Wastes”

“Oh” Dorian said then looked away “I suppose you can wait here while I go to your room to get your own clothes.”

Manon’s cheeks heated at the prospect of him rummaging through her things and her room. She grabbed for the dress in his hands “Don’t bother. I’ll wear this now, I’ll just change afterwards.”

“Are you sure? Really, it’s no problem, I can go--”

“It’s fine.” she said with finality then turned around so she could disrobe and change. 

Dorian cleared his throat which made her look at him over her shoulder “I’ll uh...go ahead now. I don’t want to be late...I’ll see you this evening.”

“Good bye” she said and watched as he closed the door behind him.

= = = = =

Lorcan woke Elide at noon since their lunch has arrived. 

They ate side by side, in silence, like how they did when they were both tired after a full day of meetings. But the silence was comforting, the presence of one another was enough to make them feel at ease. 

“You slept well” Lorcan started, watching her “Do you feel well rested now?”

“I do, actually.” she said, then eyed him as she wondered what Lorcan did whenever she was always asleep. Since she has been sleeping _a lot_ recently.

“What did you do when I was asleep?” Elide asked him.

“I talked to Yrene for a while, she just wanted to check in on you. I told her that you’ve decided that you’re ready to start tomorrow.”

“Did she say anything else?”

“She said that Chaol might drop by to check on you later or tomorrow.” Lorcan said, hesitant. He studied her, as if trying to gauge her reaction.

Elide raised her brows at this. Why would _Chaol_ need to check on her? They haven’t been able to talk at all that much in their stay so far. Elide wasn’t even sure if they had any sort of meaningful conversation the past year. 

But as she thought of it, Elide realized that she was going through the same thing he had before. Chaol had been severely injured, unable to walk, when he was brought to the continent to be healed by Yrene. 

Lorcan and Yrene probably thought that he could give some insight or bring some comfort to her. 

“Will that be okay with you?” Lorcan asked when she hasn’t said anything. 

Elide nodded “Yes, it’s okay.”

Lorcan’s shoulders sagged and let out a breath in relief, to Elide’s amusement. Before she could tease him about how ridiculous he was for being nervous to tell her that, she realized that Lorcan was probably feeling very unsettled by all this too. 

He was always worrying about her safety and well-being, and now he had legitimate reasons to worry because of what Yrene told them. Lorcan was likely stressing over her own fears and how she was taking in all of this. He’s probably been feeling as distressed as her but was just trying to remain calm for her sake.

Elide reached out to touch his arm “I know you’re anxious about all of this too and I appreciate that you’re trying to remain calm for my sake. But I’m fine, really. Don’t worry too much about me. I was just...taken by surprise earlier.”

He got a hold of her hand and kissed it “I’m always going to worry about you, it’s my duty to make sure you’re alright. I don’t like seeing you cry.”

“I feel better now.” Elide reassured him , looking into his eyes for him to see how much she meant it “I’m still nervous but I’m trying to remain hopeful. I’ll be okay.”

Lorcan scooted closer so he could cup her face in his hands. His fingers brushed back the strands of hair from her cheeks then gave her a soft and chaste kiss.

“Promise me that you won’t give up” he whispered against her lips “No matter what happens, say you won’t lose yourself.”

Elide’s brows furrowed in confusion at the desperation in his voice “Lorcan, you’re making it sound like one of us is dying—”

“Promise me” he said again, his eyes pleading “Please.”

“I won’t give up” she whispered back, her eyes not leaving his “I won’t lose myself. I promise.”

Lorcan kept his hands on either side of her face, his eyes still on her “I am with you always. Don’t forget that.”

“I know” Elide reached up to trace her fingers against his lips, something she always found herself doing when she wanted to kiss him “I’m always with you too.”

A knock on the door made her pull away from Lorcan in surprise. She must have looked disappointed to have been interrupted since her husband gave her an amused look “Don’t worry, we can continue where we left off later.”

Elide’s cheeks heated as she sat up higher on the bed and brushed her fingers through her hair to make her look somewhat presentable. 

Lorcan stood up to let their visitors in.

“Aelin” Elide said in surprise “Rowan”

“Good afternoon” Aelin greeted with a smile then settled at the foot of their bed, while Rowan stood a foot away. “Don’t look so surprised, we’re here to see how you’re doing.” Aelin said then reached out to hold Elide’s hand “We passed by Yrene this morning when we planned to visit you but she told us that you went back to sleep. She said to return in the afternoon to check on you.”

Elide flushed “Oh...I’m sorry. You could have just knocked earlier I would have gladly talked to you.”

“Don’t be silly, you need your rest.” 

“How are you feeling, Elide? Yrene told us about…” Rowan trailed off, since Lorcan glared at him in warning.

“I’m fine, thank you” Elide said, her voice even “I was a bit upset earlier but I’m okay now. I was tired too so it probably affected my mood.”

“Lorcan and Yrene told us how much you’ve been sleeping the past days and yet you’re still tired?” Aelin asked, her brows raised “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

Elide’s heart felt like it stopped in her chest. The wind that was blowing through their windows suddenly died down too. She looked at Lorcan from the corner of her eyes and saw that he too, was still, his eyes wide. 

_Pregnant?_

Was it--? No. It can’t be.

But as Elide thought more about it…

She counted back to all the times she and Lorcan have been intimate recently and tried to calculate in her mind if it were possible. Lorcan has always been physically expressive of his love—to Elide’s utmost delight and pleasure. Given how _frequent_ their couplings were...it wasn’t completely unlikely.

If it were true, it would explain so much. The crying, the nausea, the sleeping…From the stillness coming from Lorcan, she knew that he was probably realizing the same thing. Yrene told her that those were all just symptoms from the pain she was undergoing but what if she just didn’t realize that perhaps she was pregnant? It wasn't uncommon for healers to make mistakes sometimes.

 _Oh gods._

“I was kidding” Aelin said after a while, interrupting Elide's mental spiral “That was my attempt to lighten the mood.”

Elide and Lorcan’s attention snapped to the Queen which made her raise her hands in surrender “Okay, that was probably a bad and ill-timed joke. I’m sorry.”

When Elide and Lorcan still couldn’t find it in themselves to say anything, Rowan cleared his throat “If both of you are that concerned, I can tell you with certainty that you aren’t pregnant, Elide. I would be able to sense it.”

“Me too” Aelin said then gave an amused look to Lorcan “And Lorcan would have sensed it too, obviously. Especially given how attuned he is to your body. I assure you that if there was life growing inside of you; two fae, a demi-fae and a skilled healer would have known immediately.”

This made Elide huff out a nervous laugh “Of course.”

Lorcan too, let out a shaky breath but didn’t say anything. A frown was already starting to form on his face.

“I know that it was a bad attempt to lighten the mood” Aelin said after a while, since none of them were saying anything “But judging by your reactions, I was able to give a good distraction, wasn’t I?”

Lorcan threw one of the pillows in her direction and snarled _“Get out!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL so that answer's a lot of your questions and assumptions about Elide being pregnant. We will have that day one day. But today is not that day :) 
> 
> = = my real end note starts here, i'd appreciate it if you read it pls and thanks = = 
> 
> I apologize for posting this later than usual. We didn’t have electricity and internet the past days. The state of our country (Philippines) has been chaotic recently with the typhoon and flooding and the ever unreliable incompetent government. Thankfully, my family and I are safe even though our city and its surrounding cities were submerged during the flood. We were just lucky that the street of our house (and our house itself) is elevated. 
> 
> Unfortunately, majority of our brothers and sisters have not been as lucky. A great deal of Filipinos are reeling from the loss of their belongings, their houses, and even their loved ones. To make this all the more worse, this is happening DURING A PANDEMIC!! WHICH THE GOVT ISN’T ALSO DOING MUCH ABOUT!! 
> 
> I have been filled with anger over the inaction of those in power for the past days (hell, for the entire quarantine lol). It’s the masses who are making more of an effort to help one another instead of elected officials. 
> 
> I know most of us fanfic readers and writers are here for escapism and the last thing you probably want to read is about depressing shit happening over in our country. But it would mean so so much if you extended any help you can to those who were affected by the typhoon in the Philippines.
> 
> If you want to offer help by donating you may do so through:  
> Paypal: kayanatin.ph/donate  
> (Kaya Natin is a non-profit NGO in the PH that has been very proactive in rescuing and helping victims. Out of the many donation drives, I trust this one the most because of their transparency of how much money they receive and where it goes.) Of course you can also research other institutions or NGOs that collect donations if you want. 
> 
> If you prefer to donate through gogetfunding you can also try this: https://gogetfunding.com/ulysses-relief/
> 
> Anyways, that’s it for now. Thank you for taking the time to read my rant, I needed to let it out because me and a lot of fellow Filipinos are very much saddened and angry about all this.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did yall miss me? No? Okay 🥲🤡
> 
> Anyway, as always, I make up for my late uploads with a _slightly_ longer chapter. So here it is and enjoy! :)

The sun has already started to set when Dorian ended his meeting with the council and advisors. Having to listen to old men talk about business ventures and trade routes in Adarlan for hours was a guaranteed way of making him want to sleep. 

Chaol must have felt the same way too since he tried to catch Dorian’s attention multiple times during the meeting, hoping that he could offer any sort of distraction. Perhaps that was also Chaol’s way of trying to gauge if Dorian was still was mad at him for yesterday since he walked out when he realized that everyone except him knew that Manon was back. 

Dorian avoided Chaol’s looks throughout. He hardly even said a few words to him. 

After a few hours of listening and debating with the rest of the room, everyone eventually reached a consensus to the issues that were at hand. Dorian was filled with relief then immediately called for the discussion to be adjourned. 

As Dorian waited for the council to leave the room, Chaol lingered where he was seated and cleared his throat as the room eventually cleared out. 

Dorian spoke first, before Chaol could say anything “Why didn’t you tell me Manon was here?” 

“I only knew that she was the one who brought Aelin and Rowan” Chaol explained “I didn’t know she was staying.”

“You could have told me.”

“What good would it have done? You were moping for the past days. I didn’t know if Manon planned to stay or show her face to you. If I told you she was here only for her to leave again, you’d go back to moping.”

Dorian sighed and looked away, knowing that Chaol was right. 

He knew, of course, that Chaol was coming from a place of concern. But it didn’t make it any less annoying. 

Even though Dorian never discussed with Chaol or anyone, how much he cared for Manon, he was sure that his best friend knew it all this time. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” Chaol said, rising from where he was seated so he could approach Dorian “I just didn’t want you to get hurt again.”

“You motherhen, you.”

“I’m always here to protect you, Dorian. Whether as your best friend or as Hand to the King.” 

Dorian wasn’t able to stop the corner of his lips lifting “Maybe that’s why your daughter dislikes me so much. Josefina must see me as competition to her father’s dedication.”

“I’ll make sure to appear as an uncaring friend whenever she’s around then.”

Dorian laughed at this—to Chaol’s relief. 

Both didn’t like it when there was tension between each them. They were best friends, they’ve been there for each other since they were children. 

In order for their fights and disagreements not to last long, they made it a habit over the years to be frank with one another, so they could move past whatever it is that was bothering them.

“I understand why you didn’t tell me but I don’t appreciate things being kept from me” Dorian said seriously, going back to their topic “Anything that concerns me or Manon, you tell me immediately.”

“Understood.”

Dorian nodded, accepting his apology from earlier “Anyway, all is good now. There must be something in the air today since both my best friend and my witchling apologized to me.” 

“Manon apologized?” Chaol’s blinked “Who would have thought?”

“Don’t start” Dorian warned him “I’m still...uncertain with where we stand. In the meantime, don’t act any different around her and please tell Yrene not to meddle. Manon and I are still on shaky ground.”

Chaol nodded and hesitated before asking “Does that mean what you’ve finally admitted to yourself what you feel for her?”

“I’ve known it for a while...I know what I want. Manon just isn’t ready to hear it yet.”

“Do you think she is…” Chaol paused, considering the right word “ _capable_ of it?”

Dorian frowned, not liking where the conversation was going “You think she isn’t capable of a relationship or a union?”

“She’s a witch, Dorian. A ruthless killer. I know you’ve been sleeping with each other for gods know how long but it’s only been just that, has it not?”

“Celeana was an assassin, someone who you also called a ruthless killer. That didn’t stop you both from falling in love with each other once upon a time.”

Chaol’s nostrils flared slightly “Celeana was human and Aelin is human at heart. A witch is a different story.”

“Witches aren’t incapable of love or emotion” Dorian said, irritated “Manon’s still grieving for her thirteen. The pain she’s experiencing for more than a year is proof of how deep she feels things.”

“The thirteen are witches though. They protect their own kind, not humans or fae. It would explain Manon’s protectiveness over Elide since the Lady does have some witch blood in her. It could just be some territorial instinct rather than actual care or concern.”

“She loves Abraxos. He’s a wyvern with no trace of witch blood in him. ” Dorian countered, wanting to prove his friend wrong “Not to mention, Abraxos is the exact opposite of the threatening and dangerous creature that she pretends him to be. Yet, Manon loves him and coddles him as if he were her child.”

Chaol opened his mouth to argue once more but Dorian cut him off “Are you hearing yourself, Chaol? Why are you so convinced that she is someone who isn’t worthy of our trust? Manon saved me. She helped in the war. She helped in bringing peace to Erilea. If Manon wanted to slaughter me and damn all of us to hell, she had a year and plenty of opportunities to do so!”

Dorian didn’t realize that his chest was heaving and that his fists were tightly clenched, reigning in the ice that threatened to form on his fingertips. Chaol seemed to notice his restraint too since his gaze went to his clenched hands. 

“I’m sorry” Chaol said eventually, after a moment of silence “I meant no offense. I’ve always been cautious of others but it’s unfair for me to distrust her when she hasn’t given me reason to.”

Dorian nodded curtly and tried to let his breathing go back to normal. When he felt more in control, he unclenched his hands and said in a low voice “I care for Manon. Deeply. I would appreciate it if you respected the fact that I did.” 

Chaol straightened, his expression sober “I do.” 

“I just wished you would see beyond the fact that she’s a witch—that you would see what I see.”

Chaol’s brows furrowed slightly, looking like he wanted to say more. Thankfully, he decided to let it go and sighed instead “I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt because of how highly you regard her, Dorian. I trust you. Since you seem to trust her then I suppose I could try.”

“Thank you” Dorian said, grateful that they were _at least_ ending their conversation on a lighter note. 

Chaol offered a small smile then gestured for the door “I was planning to check on Elide. I thought that I might speak to her about how she’s doing.”

Dorian nodded then walked over to where Chaol was standing so they could leave the room together “I’ll come with you.”

= = = = =

Elide was glad that Manon went to visit her soon after Lorcan made Aelin and Rowan leave the room. The Queen of Witches in a deep coloured red dress was a stunning sight and a pleasant distraction from the awkward tension that Aelin’s joke left she and Lorcan in.

It wasn’t like Elide was against the idea of getting pregnant. She was open to the idea of having a child, but she just saw that as something for the distant future. She didn’t plan for it to be too soon, when she was still so young. Aelin’s joke scared her because she was far from ready.

Aside from that, Elide didn’t even know if it was something Lorcan wanted. 

What bothered her though wasn’t only the fact that she wasn’t ready for it but also Lorcan’s reaction to the idea. He went as still and speechless as her. Did he react for the same reason as she or was it _horror_ that had him freezing? 

Elide couldn’t believe that they never discussed whether or not they wanted children in the future and it made her feel so naive. Finnula would have scolded her about how important it is to discuss future plans or dreams with your spouse. She was sure that children was a topic so basic, something that a married couples should have already talked about in the early stages of their relationship. 

What would have happened if Aelin wasn’t kidding and Elide was actually pregnant? What would she have done if Lorcan didn’t want anything to do with the child? 

Her thoughts and worries were easily spiraling out of control, so Elide tried to distract herself by spending a good amount of time complimenting Manon and the dress she wore when she came in. Manon ignored her teasing at first by trying to ask about how Elide was doing. But the Lady of Perranth dodged all questions about her then proceeded with her teasing. 

Manon deflecting any questions and compliments about the said dress was so funny to Elide, and it also made it easier for her to focus on something other than the incident earlier. 

Thankfully, Lorcan just kept silent the entire time.

“If I wanted to be ogled at, Elide Lochan, I would have just paraded around the streets of Adarlan naked.”

“I was just saying how lovely you looked. I’m sure you’re used to compliments.” Elide explained, then smiled playfully at Manon’s second statement “And I’m sure Dorian wouldn’t mind if you did.”

“That’s it” Manon groaned then stood up from her seat “I came her to check on you but I see that you’re doing well enough. I’m leaving.”

“Wait” Elide said “Don’t go. I’ll stop my teasing.”

Just as Manon was about to give a retort, there was a knock on the bedroom doors that had them all look up in surprise. 

Lorcan rose from the bed immediately and went to open the door.

Chaol and Dorian walked inside the room, the latter had his eyes immediately falling on Manon in pleasant surprise. 

Elide could have sworn his cheeks turned a light shade of pink as he took in Manon. Despite the blush however, he tried to keep his expression neutral. The corner of Manon’s lips tugged upward in amusement, as if aware of Dorian’s reaction. 

"Lady Elide" Chaol greeted then cleared his throat “I just wanted to drop by and see how you are doing.”

“Yrene did tell me that you planned to visit” Elide said with a smile “Thank you for checking in on me.”

“Everything is still going well I hope” Dorian offered, tearing his eyes away from Manon to look at her expectantly.

Elide’s smile faltered a bit. 

It seems that the King wasn’t aware of Yrene’s news. From the look that Manon was giving her, Elide realized that both of them didn’t know.

Chaol looked at Elide apologetically then faced Dorian “You can go ahead, I was planning to speak to Elide for a while.”

Dorian looked between the two of them, trying to understand what was happening. 

“What’s wrong?” Manon demanded, her golden eyes assessing Elide's body- trying to see if she was in pain.

“Nothing, I’m fine now.” Elide said. 

Manon turned her attention to Lorcan.

“I’ll walk you and Dorian out” Lorcan said, his eyes telling them that he would explain when they left the room. 

Manon narrowed her eyes at him for a moment then regarded Elide once more. She only looked away when Dorian gently put his hand on Manon’s shoulder and gestured for them to leave the room.

"I'll be back to check on you tomorrow" Manon told her firmly then faced Dorian-whose hands were still on her shoulder "Let's go." 

Before Lorcan led both royals out of the room, he went to Elide to kiss her cheek and ask if she wanted privacy with Chaol or if she preferred him to be with her.

“I’d like to speak with Chaol alone” she said and smiled at him reassuringly 

Lorcan nodded then left the room along with Manon and Dorian, closing the door behind them.

When they were alone in the room, Elide sat up straighter on her bed as Chaol took a chair and brought it beside the bed and sat down.

“I’m going to be honest” Chaol started, smiling to himself “I’m feeling quite shy.”

Elide laughed at that, relieved that she wasn't the only one “I can say the same. We never got the chance to really talk before.”

“I regret that that is the case. Yrene tells me such wonderful things about you. I believe Dorian is also now quite fond of you.”

Elide felt her cheeks heat at the compliment. Until now, she never really knew what to say and how to react when someone said something nice about her. 

“Then I hope that we can be good friends after this” Elide offered with a smile. She hoped that Chaol did like her. It would be awkward if he didn’t since she and Yrene were such good friends now. 

“I’d ask you how you are feeling but I think you’re tired of everyone asking you that.” Chaol said.

“You’re right” she saod “I know everyone’s concerned but it gets tiring having to explain how I’m feeling again and again. Especially if the feeling isn’t something nice.”

‘I agree” he said then leaned back against the chair so he was seated comfortably “If you want our conversation to be a bit different, you can be the one who asks questions. I’ll be the one to answer.”

Elide’s brows lifted in pleasant surprise. She loved getting to know people and ask about their lives. There were a lot of things that she wanted to know about Chaol and she certainly preferred talking about him rather than herself “I would really like that.”

Chaol just made a gesture with his arm, signaling her that she can start asking questions.

Elide started started asking the easier questions first. Like what his favorite things were, what he loves about being a father, his favorite things about Yrene, and how he and Dorian became friends. Chaol answered them all with ease, and with so much openness that Elide didn't expect from him. Chaol Westfall always struck her as a reserved and quiet man. She didn't expect such emotions from him as he talked about himself. But she supposed that it was because he was talking about the people he loved. Everyone always talked about their favorite people with such happiness. 

“Was being Hand to the King something you saw yourself becoming?”

Chaol cocked his head thoughtfully “Not really. I was Captain of the Guard before this. I knew that I wanted to serve and protect Dorian and Adarlan for as long as I could. But I never really thought that I would be honored with this great responsibility.”

Elide nodded, absorbing his answers. “Do you miss being Captain?”

“Yes and no” he said, considering his answer “I do miss it because being Captain reminded me of much simpler times. Me and Dorian were new into adulthood, we still had all this energy to do a lot of things and still mess around. His and my responsibilities weren’t as heavy.”

“But even if it were simpler back then, I think my life lacked meaning. I was blindly loyal to a Valg-infested King, I was away from my family, and the only person I truly loved and cared for was my mother and Dorian. But now I have Yrene and Josefina—my own family, my mother and brother aren’t away from me anymore, I have a job that is more fulfilling because the King I serve is one who loves and cares for his people.”

Elide found herself nodding in agreement, understanding the need for her life to have meaning and purpose. She was happy that her responsibilities as Lady also made her feel fulfilled—like what she was doing _actually_ mattered because she was able to reach out to people of Perranth and actually get to help them. 

“I agree about what you mean about feeling fulfilled” she shared “Before being a Lady, a big part of me felt powerless. Like I always had to rely on luck and the mercy or pity of few to survive. I don’t want to feel that way again nor for others to also go through that...So I do my best to make sure I help the people of Perranth in any way and as much as I can.”

“Then I can tell you right now that you are a great leader” Chaol said, matter of factly “I’m glad that both Terrasen and Adarlan have rulers and leaders that truly care for their people.”

Elide didn;t know how to feel with that assessment so she gave a small smile instead. She never truly saw herself as someone who led people. She was just someone who offered kindness and mercy to others since it was very rare these days. 

“Is there anything that you could change in your life right now?” Elide asked, going back to the question and answer bit they did. She supposed this was also her way of segueing to what she really wanted to talk about. She just hoped it was subtle enough and not too intrusive. 

Chaol seemed to consider his answer again, his eyes looking up as he thought of his response “As of now, I believe that I have everything that I want. What I wish I could have changed though was how much anger I held towards others and myself.”

So Chaol told her bits and pieces of what happened over the past years; how Chaol left his home and how his father stripped him away of his titles, how his father kept his relationship with his mother and brother estranged, how he resented Celaena, or Aelin—for who she was then for leaving him and falling in love with Rowan, and how he got his injury and how much he hated and pitied himself for his inability to walk and fight like before.

Elide suddenly felt overwhelmed by how much he was sharing about himself. She felt like she hasn’t been friends with him long enough to be privy to all of the things he was disclosing. She felt grateful though, that Chaol chose to open up himself to her, especially since she knows that his intention is for her to also come to terms with her own past and insecurities. 

If Chaol was someone she was close to and if she weren’t bedridden, she would have hugged him in thanks. As she listened to everything about his life, Elide found that he and Lorcan had their similarities. Aside from them having more stoic personalities, both of them weren't proud of their past and yet they try their best to make up for it by being better than how they were before. 

“It means so much to me that you’re sharing all this” Elide told him softly “I know how difficult it is to relive parts of ourselves that we are not proud of. But I’d like to think it takes so much strength in character for one to realize and own up to past mistakes.”

“It’s not easy to talk about” Chaol admitted “But in a way, I guess it also serves as a reminder for me of how far I’ve come. From there, I can say that I am proud of who I am now.” 

“I’m glad that you feel that way...Not everyone can say that about themselves.”

He nodded, face solemn. 

“Did you ask me that question expecting my answer to be that I wished I didn’t have my injury?” Chaol asked.

Elide suddenly felt her cheeks heat. She wasn’t as subtle as she thought then. “I didn’t mean to offend you or imply that it’s something to be ashamed of.”

“No need for that, I’m not offended.” Chaol laughed “I’m actually surprised that you didn’t bring it up the first chance you got.”

“Of course not...I actually wanted to get to know you.” Elide told him, and she meant it of course. 

Chaol smiled at that “If you want to get to know me then perhaps you’d like to hear how I got through it?”

Elide nodded.

“I realized not to put so much of my self-worth on trivial things. We are more than what we can or cannot do.” Chaol said simply “I hated my injury because I felt like I lost a part of my identity. Being Captain of the Guard meant everything to me. Not being to walk on my own, not being able to fight made me believe that I was nothing. I believed that I had absolutely nothing to offer Dorian, Adarlan, and everyone else for that matter.”

“I’m just lucky that I met Yrene when I did. She helped me so much and not only with the physical aspect of my healing. She also helped me come to terms with everything about myself. I've accepted who and what I am—all the good and the bad. ”

Elide smiled, thinking of Lorcan and how much his confidence in her has never failed to improve her perception of herself when others doubted and questioned her.

“I guess that’s what I wish to leave with you. I won’t give some preachy speech on how your injury is a part of you and that you should learn to love it, because trust me, I’ve always disliked that sentiment. It feels too simplistic.” Chaol told her "I've come to realize that my mistakes, weaknesses and flaws do not define who I am. So my injury or my dependence on Yrene's magic doesn't make me insecure at all."

"Thank you, Chaol” Elide told him "I really appreciate it." 

He nodded and smiled “Did you still want to ask me any more questions or do you still have things you wish to talk about with me?" 

Elide found herself smiling as she shook her head “You’ve already told me everything I needed to hear."

= = = = =

“Elide?” Lorcan asked tentatively when they were lying in bed, both unable to sleep despite how late it already was. 

“Mmm?”

“Can we talk about what happened earlier?”

This made Elide turn her head to look at him.

Even in the dark, with just the moonlight shining through the window, she was able to make out the hesitation on his features “About what Aelin said.”

Elide froze, realizing what he meant. She took a deep breath, hoping it would steady her heart which was beginning to pound faster. Elide didn’t know why she was nervous. She has never been nervous when it came to Lorcan. She loved and trusted him completely. But the topic of kids, for some reason, has never been brought up between the two of them in the year that they were married.

At first, Elide thought that it was possibly because of how busy they have both been with rebuilding and reestablishing their lives, but now she was starting to think that maybe Lorcan was avoiding the conversation the past year.

Since the conversation was long overdue, Elide mustered up the courage and propped herself on one hand so she could face him “Let’s talk.”

“Do you want to have a child?” Lorcan finally asked, his eyes studying her face in the moonlight.

Elide bit her lip then nodded “I’ve never had a family growing up so it’s something I wish to have. You are family, of course, but I want to experience raising and loving a child too.”

Lorcan nodded, understanding. 

His face remained thoughtful and expectant, as if he was waiting for her to elaborate more. But Elide already said she wanted a child, so what else did she have to say? She didn’t feel like she had to justify or convince him about what she wanted. 

Despite usually being able to read Lorcan’s tells, Elide couldn’t seem to read him in that moment. She didn’t know if he was happy with what she shared or if he was disappointed with the revelation. 

Lorcan has spent centuries as a honed warrior. Having a child of his own was probably the last thing that he wanted. The responsibilities of becoming a parent must have been something so foreign to him that he would be completely uncomfortable with the idea.

Dread started to fill her body, but she still forced herself to ask “How about you? Do _you_ want a child?”

“I do” Lorcan said, no hesitation in his answer. This made Elide’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Really?” Elide gasped in disbelief “I hope that you aren’t just saying that because it’s what I want.”

“Of course not” he said, frowning “You don't believe that I want a child with you?”

“I didn’t even know you wanted a child at all!” Elide said, slightly exasperated “All this time, I was thinking that you were horrified with the idea."

Lorcan sat up and faced her, his frown deepening "Why would you think that?"

"Your life was never really domestic before me. Also, your reaction earlier convinced me that you wanted nothing to do with a baby."

"Is that what you thought? That I was horrified at the idea of you pregnant?"

Elide shrugged then looked away.

"Elide" Lorcan said and laughed softly "I was shocked. I should have known Aelin was shitting us but I fell for it anyway. But it doesn't mean that I was _horrified_."

Elide studied him, to see if he truly meant it. When she read the sincerity in his eyes, she exhaled in relief and sat up to wrap her arms around him.

Lorcan laughed again, amused at how relieved Elide was then kissed her forehead "I've been thinking about it for a while...for months now actually. When Yrene wrote to you after she gave birth and shared everything about Josefina, you kept on talking about it so excitedly. That's when I started imagining what would happen if it were you who got pregnant. I couldn't help but wonder how our little one would be. How would our child look like? Would it be a boy or a girl? What will be its personality? Will he or she inherit my powers? Your courage and spirit?"

Elide reached out to cup his cheek with her hand, her heart wanting to burst with happiness that her husband wanted the same thing as her, and just as much as she did apparently. 

Lorcan kissed her palm then continued “I spent so much time thinking of all the possibilities when it came to our unborn child and it was then that I realized that I do want to have one. That it would be a great honor to raise a family with you.”

“You never told me” Elide said softly, at a loss of what to say because of how genuinely surprised she was “I had no clue.”

“You never brought it up” Lorcan said, a bit sheepish “I also didn’t want to pressure you with the idea. I know that you were enjoying life now that you are free. I know you are still adjusting to your new life as Lady. A child was the last thing on your mind and it would be an added responsibility to your many tasks.”

“You’re right about all that” Elide told him “As much as I love the idea of being a mother, I don't think I'm ready yet. I’m still in the process of adjusting to everything while also trying to enjoy my life right now. I love that I could finally do all the things I’ve always wanted to do.”

“I understand, Elide. It would be your decision and on your time” Lorcan said earnestly “Even if you decide later on that you don’t want to have children, it will be fine by me. I love you and you are more than enough.”

Elide kept her eyes on him the entire time and saw how much he meant everything he was saying. That only made her love Lorcan so much more than she already did and it further solidified the fact that she would love to start raise own family with the male beside her. 

“I would love to have a child of our own one day...in a few years perhaps” Elide told him after a while “I still want to explore the world and what it has to offer. I want to learn more things, find my own talents and hobbies while we continue to help rebuild and make Perranth a better place.”

Lorcan’s smile widened at that and he leaned in to kiss her “I’ll help you and cheer you on as you accomplish all that.”

“When we have settled in our home and when this world is a much better place than how it has been the past years, then that’s when I will be ready to start trying for a child.”

Lorcan nodded “One day then.”

“One day” Elide said, smiling back at him. 

“We have the rest of our lives to plan for that anyway” Lorcan assured her then leaned in to kiss her as his fingers traced the exposed skin at her neck and the top of her chest.

Elide relaxed under his touch, sighing in content as his fingers continued tracing her skin. She pulled away from his kiss and tipped her chin so he had better access to her neck. Lorcan accepted the invitation and leaned down to press his lips against her throat, his kisses trailing down to her chest.

When Elide's body was becoming tense with anticipation, Lorcan paused from his ministrations “Now that I think of it...I'm excited to see you pregnant with our child.”

“And why is that?” Elide rasped, staring down at him and wishing he would continue.

“Your breasts will swell beautifully along with your belly” he mused then grinned mischievously, his fingers drawing circles against her skin “They’d be very sensitive too.”

Elide felt her cheeks heat as she gaped at him “Lorcan!” 

“I’ve also been told pregnant women are ravenous...both for food and for sex” Lorcan said, his smirk turning devilish and his voice guttural “I’m looking forward to taking good care of you, Elide. I’ll make sure to attend to _all_ of your needs.”

"What a gentleman you are, Lord Lorcan.” Elide said, rolling her eyes despite feeling the heat from her face move down along her body as she thought of how _attentive_ Lorcan was.

“I bet you’d still refuse all kinds of help offered to you and you’d go on waddling adorably with your round stomach while you insist that you’re fine.”

“I bet your protective and territorial instincts would be on overdrive” Elide said, knowing without a doubt how much fussier Lorcan would be “You’re going to drive me nuts with your fussing. As if all the hormones, vomiting, and bloating isn’t enough to make the ordeal difficult. The thought is suddenly making me dread pregnancy.”

”It will be your choice of course” he reminded her once more, his expression losing the playfulness from earlier “Whether we have no kids at all or multiple little ones wouldn’t change how i feel for you.”

“‘ _Multiple?_ ’” Elide’s gasped, eyes widening. How many children did this male plan to have?

“It's not unlikely. I wouldn't be surprised if we ended up with our own cadre of children given how frequent our couplings are" Lorcan said, smirking "I've made you quite insatiable, haven't I?”

Elide stuttered at the frankness of his scandalous statement and she felt her cheeks heating further. 

Lorcan burst out into laughter at her reaction but tried his best to stop when Elide smacked him _hard_ on his arm.

“How dare you say such things to a Lady.” 

“Was I wrong?” he challenged, his tone teasing “As if you don’t enjoy yourself immensely.”

“Your mouth is so filthy.”

“But you love me and my filthy mouth”

“Insufferable” Elide muttered then hit him again, this time with a pillow “I’ll make sure to give you a hard time when you do get me pregnant.”

“I have no doubts that you’d make me _hard_ , love. You always do.” 

Elide groaned and faced away from him then closed her eyes “Good night.”

“Good night” he chuckled, then scooted closer to wrap his arms around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not gonna lie, I’m losing my will to finish this fic...But I’m still trying!!! I’m here posting a new chapter!!!  
> I just had to reread everything from the start just so I could gain back some momentum and for continuity purposes. But all that did was make me cringe at some errors I found in my own writing lol. I wanna edit everything again but aint nobody got time for that. 
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts! If you have comments on how this is doing so far or if you have ideas or suggestions on how you want this to end, by all means, please share. I’m sorry I’m being lazy, I know. I do have an outline of how I envisioned this to end BUT I’ve been stuck in a rut because of work and I’m struggling with making a smooth transition to the resolution of this fic. Just two more weeks until Christmas break, so hopefully I could finish everything by then!!! I JUST WANT TO WRITE SHAMELESS FLUFF AND SMUT AFTER THIS!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a while! Hello! Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays! As promised, a purely manorian chapter! This part is happening simultaneously with Chaol and Elide’s talk from the previous chapter.

“I hope Elide will feel better soon” Dorian said, as he and Manon walked along the hallways.

Lorcan told them very briefly about the possibility of Elide’s injury not healing when he ushered them out of the room. A few sentences was all Lorcan could manage to say before he turned around and closed the door on them. 

Yrene had just told the Lochans the news the night before. Dorian could only imagine how upset Elide must have felt. Lorcan was also clearly worried for Elide since he kept watching her like a hawk. As if he were preparing to lunge at anyone or anything that would distress or harm her. 

“She ignored me when I asked how she was doing” Manon sighed “She just kept teasing me instead. I should have known she was deflecting.”

Dorian wanted to point out that Elide might have wanted a distraction too, that she probably wanted to joke around to take her mind off of things. 

He also wanted to remind Manon that Elide not wanting to talk about how she felt was exactly what Manon has been doing to him for more than a year now whenever he asked her how she was doing.

But he refrained from saying anything.

He didn’t want to ruin the truce they were on since the night before. And frankly, Dorian was looking forward to Manon spending the night with him again. He wasn’t going to sabotage that by angering her. 

“Teasing?” he asked, confused as to what Elide could have teased her about.

“About the dress. She’s never seen me in one.”

“Ah” Dorian wasn’t able to help it as his eyes quickly travelled down the dress appreciatively “You do look lovely in red. Adarlan colors suit you well.”

Manon snorted.

“I mean it. The deep shade of red brings out the gold in your eyes.”

Manon shook her head at him then turned her gaze on the floor as they walked side by side along the hallways. She remained silent all throughout.

Dorian stole another glance at her “You’re worried for Lady Elide, aren’t you?”

“She doesn’t deserve the pain she is in now” was all Manon said. 

“Truly...The same could be said for a lot of people and yet a lot are also suffering” Dorian sighed “Life can be unfair.”

It was Manon’s turn to look at him “I was just talking about Elide and yet you found a way to make this conversation more depressing.”

“It’s the truth” he said with a shrug “It’s something I keep at the back of my mind so I’d always be reminded to be a compassionate ruler.”

“I have no doubts that you are already” Manon said, which surprised him “You’re very selfless.”

Dorian’s blinked in surprise at the compliment.

“You care so much that you put yourself at risk to help others” Manon said simply “You’d willingly risk your life for your friends and for a cause you believe in.”

It was Dorian now who was silent, contemplative. 

He never really considered himself selfless. He believed it was what what was expected of him, what he owed his people since it was his responsibility as King. A part of Dorian also felt like he had to atone for all the evil that his father— or _Valg infested father_ , had put Adarlan through. 

If anyone was to be described as selfless, Dorian thought that it was Aelin who deserved the title. After all, she was the one who was raised to be a pig for slaughter. No matter how much the idea hurt and angered her, Aelin was willing to forge the lock and die for peace in Erilea. 

Manon was also selfless and willing to help others. Her uniting the witch kingdom and taking on the responsibility of Queen was proof enough. Dorian knew without a doubt that she too would have sacrificed herself a million times over, if it meant saving her twelve. 

But Dorian knew it was not something she wanted to hear. So he kept his thoughts to himself. 

“You don’t agree with me” Manon said, noting his silence. 

“The same can be said for everyone who fought in the war” He shrugged “and Aelin’s more selfless than I am.”

“I wasn’t making any comparisons. I was just stating that you are.”

“Well, so are you, witchling. You can be caring and compassionate when you want to be” he said, carefully making his words casual. He did not plan to elaborate on all that Manon has sacrificed to help bring peace. Particularly the twelve witches she lost in the war. “And I mean that as a compliment. Not some statement that implies that you’re weak.”

Manon wrinkled her nose “I wasn’t aware we were turning this into an ass kissing contest. Am I now expected to compliment the deep shade of blue that your eyes have?”

“You were the one who started with the complimenting. But thank you, I have been told my eyes are the loveliest shade of blue” Dorian said, while batting his lashes at her “I’m glad you agree.”

Manon just arched her brow at him, obviously not impressed.

Dorian couldn't help but laugh even as she narrowed her eyes at him 

“Since we’re both clearly uncomfortable with receiving compliments, let’s talk about something else.” Dorian decided. He wanted to hear more from her anyway and was hoping that she was in the mood to share more things about herself. 

“I hope that your friend won’t upset Elide further” Manon said suddenly “If he is going to talk to her, it better be something worth hearing.”

“My friend?” Dorian looked at her in confusion then quickly realized who she was talking about “You mean Chaol.”

She nodded. 

“Chaol is very insightful. He is also great best friend to have. I am sure Elide will find that she is in good company.”

Manon grumbled “That statement may be biased.”

Dorian stopped in his tracks, realization hitting him “You don’t like Chaol.”

He immediately tried to think of all possible reasons why Manon didn’t like him. 

But then Manon didn’t really _like_ a lot of people. 

True enough, that was her reply “I don’t like a lot of people, princeling.” 

“What don’t you like about Chaol though?” 

She faced him, her forehead creasing “He always looks at me like he is poised and ready to kill.”

Dorian stared at her, waiting for her to give other reasons. But when he realized that she was serious, he wasn’t able to stop himself from smiling in relief “I thought you like it when men fear you?”

“I do” she conceded “but I also appreciate it if my life isn’t being threatened either.”

“Between you and Chaol, I’m sure it would be you who would emerge victorious if it came to that” he mused “But you two don’t have any reasons to attack each other so you wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

“Obviously” she muttered then retracted her iron nails for emphasis. “I just wish he didn’t look at me like I was some horrendous creature.” 

Dorian nodded, sobering quickly. He was equally surprised and relieved that Manon was telling him something that bothered her. Even if it was something as small as not liking how Chaol reacts to her, it meant a lot to him. Whether or not it was her intention to share something personal, she still did and Dorian was grateful. 

He wasn’t able to stop himself when he extended his hand and rested it on her arm “If it makes you feel better, Chaol and I had a discussion earlier. I told him how much I respect you and like having you as a friend.”

Manon frowned at this, probably not liking the idea that she was being talked about. But Dorian continued before she could cut him off.

“Chaol has been my best friend since I was a child. He was also the former Captain of the Guard—which makes him fiercely protective and loyal, but sometimes to a fault. So I do apologize if he has ever made you feel unwelcome in our company and in Adarlan.”

Manon rolled her eyes “It’s okay, princeling, My ego is hardly wounded.” she said then gestured for them to continue walking.

“I just wanted you to know” Dorian said casually, keeping up with her steps “I enjoy having you here. I didn’t want you to think that you aren’t welcome.”

“Let it go. Unlike you humans, I don’t take things personally.” she said “Anyway, the way Chaol looks at me is probably also the same way I look at Lorcan, after all.” 

“Ah yes, never a dull moment when you and Lorcan are in the same room.”

Manon huffed in amusement, almost a laugh but not quite. This made Dorian realize that it was the closest thing to a laugh he has ever heard from her recently.

 _Has he ever heard her laugh?_ He thought to himself.

Suddenly the idea of Manon smiling was burned in his imagination.

If she looked so damned beautiful even with her usual disinterested expression or scowl on her face, then how much more if she was calm, relaxed, and _happy?_

How would she look like if she did laugh? Would she be the type who held back her laughter? Or is she the type who would throw her head back while she howled without a care in the world?

Any of those options seemed irreconcilable with the Manon he has come to know over the year but Dorian believed it was not impossible to see that happening.

He would like to witness it. 

Dorian got so distracted by the idea that he didn’t even notice that they were already in the wing that led to his chambers. Both of their steps faltered once they got closer to his bedroom door, and they stopped when they reached his place.

He raised his brow at her, silently asking her if she wanted to come in. 

To his surprise, Manon reached over to push open the bedroom door and strolled inside. Again, walking inside with confidence and familiarity. As if the place were hers. 

He watched Manon from the threshold as she settled against the plush red couch in the sitting room and crossed her legs, making a show of her long legs as she did so. 

When she looked at him and found him staring, she smirked then brought her hands to the laces on the top of her dress.

Dorian cleared his throat “You said last night you wanted to continue our talk.”

“We can talk later” Manon said, keeping her gaze on him as she unlaced the upper part of her dress, easing the tightness of the top.

Dorian knew that she was well aware of the combination of her actions and words, and how it affected him. They’ve spent countless times memorizing each other’s wants and needs in the bedroom that they already knew how to get a certain reaction from the other. 

Just as Manon was about to push off the sleeves of her dress from her shoulders, Dorian finally got his legs to work and went inside the room then closed the door behind him. 

He leaned against the wooden doors and forced his eyes not to trail any lower from her face “What are you doing, witchling?”

“I’m undressing” she said innocently “This dress is quite tight around my breasts, is it not? I’m not comfortable in it.”

“And what would you be comfortable wearing?”

She gave him a saccharine smile “Nothing”

Dorian cursed himself inwardly when his eyes eventually followed the movement of Manon’s fingers as she finished unlacing those top of her dress. Her hands were working slowly, dragging out the process of undressing herself. When the top part of her dress became loose, her fingers lightly trailed the skin along her neck and collarbones, slowly making its way down to her chest. He resisted the urge to kneel in front of her take the time to worship her body. 

All their previous couplings have always been hard, fast, and full of need. The moment either of them felt the need to have the other, they just went and _took._

It was Dorian who always seduced and initiated. He took delight in memorizing the things that drove her crazy with desire, and loved to tease and rile Manon until she caved and ravished him. 

But it was Manon who was seducing now. 

And she was taking her gods damned time doing so. 

Damn him, Dorian was enjoying it immensely. Everything in the world suddenly went still and all he could hear was the pounding in his ears and his breathing. All he could focus on who was in front of him and what she was doing.

Manon reclined further against the cushions and let out a sigh when her hand cupped her breast through the red fabric of her dress that was now loose on her. Just as she uncrossed her legs and slowly parted them, Dorian closed the distance between them and reached for the hand that she used to caress herself, and pinned it down on the cushions with his right hand.

Gold eyes blazed at him but she didn’t push him away. She just eyed him as he brought his left hand to her cheek, his thumb grazing her cheekbone then tucking the loose strands of her hair behind her ear.

As he studied Manon, her golden heavy-lidden eyes and parted lips, Dorian’s instincts screamed for him to _take_ and to make sure they lost themselves in pleasure.

But some part of his mind clung to the smile and laugh that Dorian imagined her giving him earlier. Then he recalled their closeness from the night before. The comfort he knew they both felt when they were lying on his bed talking then eventually falling asleep. 

Dorian didn’t know where he summoned the self-control from but he found himself leaning back and moving a step away from her, despite the ache and tightness he was starting to feel in his pants. He cleared his throat and looked away “I’ll give you a moment so you can undress and change. Let me know when you are done.”

He forced his legs to move and walk away, not allowing himself to see, or taste, or _ravish_ any of part of Manon. 

Not until she heard what he has been wanting to tell her.

= = = = = 

She was going to kill him.

Manon really considered killing him for a split second. Or at least, she tried to think of the best way to hurt Dorian enough to make him feel what she felt in that moment.

But the strain in his pants told her that he wanted her too and that it was probably taking a lot on his part not to give in. Manon was sure that was torture enough.

This has been the second time she has been denied now. What was Dorian’s problem?

The first time was when she tackled him on the field days ago. His refusal then was understandable because she only wanted to use pleasure as a distraction, as a means to avoid talking to him. But now, she just wanted him. He clearly wanted her too but he still pulled away.

Manon watched Dorian as he walked to his bathing chambers and closed the door behind him. She narrowed her eyes at that door, as if trying to summon some other force to break down the piece of wood that divided them.

But when Dorian didn’t emerge from the room and was _truly_ giving her space, Manon huffed then yanked the dress off of her.

If she was going to be denied then she will make sure that Dorian would regret it.

She folded the dress and draped it along the couch, along with the undergarments she was wearing. When she was completely naked, she sauntered towards the large bed, plucking one of the books that was on the floor on the way, then sat on the side where she slept the night before. 

She lay against the pillows, loving the cool and soft sheets on her skin then brought up the blanket sheets up until her stomach. Her chest was completely exposed, save for her long hair that barely covered her breasts.

The book she was reading was resting on her legs which allowed her to scan over the words written on the page. Manon never really understood what it was about books that Dorian was so taken with and she was reminded of how unexciting it was to read as she did so while waiting for him to emerge out of the bathing chambers. 

A few minutes later, Manon heard shuffling on the other side of the bathing room door and saw it open slightly. She kept her gaze down on the book, staring blankly at the page as Dorian peered from the door and walked back to the bed.

She hid her smirk when she felt him still and heard his intake of breath when he neared, noticing that she was indeed wearing nothing beneath the blankets. 

Manon predicted that Dorian would either lunge to her like a starved man or he will have his invisible hands pin her beneath the bed as he crawled over her. 

Heat was already starting to spread to her core as she waited expectantly for either of those possibilities.

But Dorian did neither. 

Instead, he settled down on the bed beside her and eyed the book she had on her lap “What are you reading?”

“A book I picked up on the floor”

“Oh” was all he said when scooted closer and leaned towards the book—which brought his head near her naked chest. Manon sucked in a breath when his mouth was inches away from where she wanted it to be. But Dorian cocked his head away from her to read the cover of the book she had on her lap “You’re interested about the geography of Adarlan?”

“Yes it’s all so interesting” Manon groaned in frustration then threw the book to the end of the bed “I’m looking for the closest brothel is in this city. If you aren’t going to pleasure me, princeling, I might just go and look for pleasure elsewhere.”

Again, Manon expected that he would see that remark as a challenge that will make him lose control and throw himself at her. But just like earlier, he didn’t end up doing what she expected.

Dorian just gave her an apologetic smile “You’d find that there are no such places here in Rithfold and the rest of Adarlan. I made sure of it over the past months.”

Now _that_ , got Manon’s attention “Why?”

“The ones who fought with us in the war are mostly people who have been used and abused. Both men and women whose circumstances were unfortunate enough that they were forced to sell their bodies or be taken advantage of…I’m honoring my friends by making sure there are no such places that would continue to use people.”

For what seemed like the millionth time in her stay, guilt bloomed in Manon’s chest for not anticipating how her words or actions could have been seen as insensitive. Hurtful, even.

She bit her lip and looked away as she felt her cheeks heat.

“I believe Aelin has also been doing the same in Terrasen” he said “She made sure to eradicate all kinds of businesses that sold people like they were livestock. No more slave trading, no brothels…”

“I’m sorry” Manon found herself whispering “I didn’t mean...I don’t see you and humans as objects to be used.”

“I know” Dorian said “Again, I know you can be caring and compassionate when you aren’t trying to push others away. But thank you for apologizing still.”

Manon gave a stiff nod of her head then turned away from him, making sure to pull the blanket higher to cover her body. She stared at the window, trying to distract herself from the guilt and embarrassment she felt. Thankfully, her back now was to him so Dorian couldn’t see her face.

She wanted nothing more than to leave the room and crawl into a hole or even fly back to The Wastes. However, she didn’t want to excuse herself because it would make her look like a coward. 

Plus, she was rutting naked. 

Here she was, intending to drive him crazy with desire. But she just ended up making a fool of herself. 

Manon debated saying or doing something more horrendous just so Dorian wouldn’t have a choice but to force her to leave the room. But she couldn’t find it in her do or say anything. 

She was at a loss, completely having no idea on what to do. 

That feeling of being lost and uncertain reminded her too much of how she felt the first few months as Queen. 

She didn’t really know any of the Crochans. She didn’t know how to rule. She didn’t have any of her twelve to help or guide her. 

Sure she had Glennis, but they didn’t really know each other well. Not the way Asternin and her thirteen knew her. It took a lot of adjusting to open up to her Glennis.

Abraxos and Dorian were the only ones who were familiar in Manon's life for the past year. She knew what to expect with them, she knew their dynamic.

Manon hated that she felt like she was navigating uncharted territory in everything with her current life as a ruler. And now her dynamic with Dorian was changing too. They used to be all about pleasure and euphoric release. Of course there was mutual respect on their ends but what they had always just been physical. 

Dorian might have started out as a distraction and as a means to release tension but Manon has also has come to realize that she enjoyed his presence. She started to crave his company just as much as she did his body. She thought that nothing would change even if she did like and care for him. They knew what they were to each other.

But for some reason, she can’t help but feel like her dynamic with Dorian was changing.

During her entire stay so far, they haven’t had sex. Or even done anything close to sexual. She has initiated it. Twice. And Dorian turned it down both times.

Not once had he denied her over the course of a year. 

She already had enough feelings of doubt and uncertainty from her new life, she just wanted something _familiar._

Manon clenched her fists tightly, not minding that her iron nails have retracted and that it was starting to break the skin of her palms. 

“It’s okay really” Dorian said, probably noticing the shift in her mood. He scooted closer and put his hand on her shoulder “I'm not upset. I also wish to explain why—”

“Shut your mouth, I’m trying to sleep.” she cut him off immediately, mortified at the realization that he was going to explain why he didn’t want to sleep with her.

“Manon” Dorian tried again, much softer this time.

As she was about to snap a retort at him, horror filled her when she realized that her throat was tight and tears were starting to form on her eyes. She froze, not wanting him to realize that she was crying.

Damn it. Damn it all. 

When she failed to turn around or say anything, Dorian removed his hand from her shoulder and sat back against the pillows. 

He was silent for a moment and Manon thought that he decided to go to sleep until he asked “Have I ever told you about my name? How I was named Dorian?”

If it weren’t for her damning circumstances, she would have laughed at his attempt to distract her. But since her throat was still constricting, she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even give any acknowledgement to what he said even if she was interested and listening to the distraction he was trying to give.

“Apparently, that was my father’s name. He didn’t even know.” he continued “Erawan made sure to wipe everything from my father’s memories when the valg inhabited his body. But when I was born and he held me, that was the only time he remembered his name. So he named me Dorian, after him.”

Manon blinked in the darkness, surprise filling her. 

No wonder Dorian’s feelings were so complicated when it came to his father. On the one hand, it wasn’t really his father who did all those horrible things. It was the valg who had so many killed, who was so intent in conquering all of Erilea through all means possible.

But at the same time...so much death and pain was done. Dorian lost that healer of his to that valg infested King. She knew that the anger he felt towards him was a challenge to let go and it probably felt easier if he had someone to blame.

“Who told you?” she managed to ask, relieved that her voice was steady. 

“Erawan.”

“He could have been lying.”

“What he said was true” he said, decisively “I demanded him to tell me. Right before we killed him.”

Manon kept silent, her back still against him as she took in what he shared. 

After a while she asked “Why ask Erawan about your father at all? I thought you hated him.”

“When Aelin and I tried to forge the lock, my father— my _real_ father, was there. He took my place so I wouldn’t have to sacrifice myself.”

This made her turn around to look at him, not understanding “What do you mean sacrifice? You were going to die?”

He nodded “If my father wasn’t there to take my place, I probably would have...It was the cost of forging the lock, remember?.”

Manon kept her eyes on him, her frown deepening at this. She knew the risk, knew that it was Aelin who planned to do it. But she didn’t know about Dorian volunteering to help.

How come this was the first time she’s heard of this? 

As she recalled all the events at the end of the war, she realized that she was too consumed with grief when it was all over. When Dorian and Elide found her at the end of everything, she hardly said anything to them.

“Is that why you don’t know what to feel about your father?” She dared ask “Because he was able to redeem himself in the end?”

“Was that act enough to redeem himself though?” Dorian shrugged then gave a sad smile “Or the better question is, was he even supposed to redeem himself in the first place?”

“What have you decided?”

“I still don’t know.” he said, sadly. 

Manon kept her eyes on his chest, watching the steady rhythm of his breathing as she considered his words. “I now understand why you have mixed feelings towards him. At least with my grandmother, I know that she really was selfish at her core. She cared for nobody but herself. It’s easier to reconcile whatever conflict I have in my mind where she is concerned.”

“No part of you misses her?” he asked

“I don’t miss her...I guess it’s just the idea of having a family that I miss.”

Dorian nodded “I understand. I feel the same way.”

“We’re such a sad lot” she said, sighing “Do tell me if I start to become as miserable as Lorcan. That will be just disappointing if it came to that.”

Dorian gave an apologetic smile “You might be disappointed to hear this but even if Lorcan may have a scowl tattooed on his face, I’ve seen him laugh and smile around Lady Elide… I find that he can be pleasant to be around with given the right circumstances.”

She narrowed her eyes at him “You’re saying I’m worse than Lorcan?”

“You’re unhappy, Manon” he said, quite serious this time “Miserable, even.”

“I’d imagine that is how anyone would feel after losing their family.”

“I know, I can’t even imagine how painful and difficult it is for you. But how do you cope? Surely there must be some things that you do to help you feel better?“

If he spoke to her with the same frankness months ago, she would have probably ripped him to shreds. But the way he asked her in that moment wasn't accusing nor condescending. He was genuinely concerned. She supposed that's what made her reveal where she was just a few days ago. “I visited Terrasen."

Dorian went still beside her, his breathing the only noise Manon could hear. Dorian knew of course that she was in Terrasen, since she was the one who brought Aelin here. But understanding flashed through his eyes, knowing what she meant. She was in Terrasen to visit the field where the witch towers once stood— to the place where her thirteen yielded.

“Was that your first time to visit?” Dorian asked eventually. _Ever since the war_ , he didn’t have to say. 

Manon nodded.

“How was it?” He asked, tentative “How did you feel?”

“I hated it” she said instantly “but...it wasn’t completely unpleasant.”

Dorian raised his brow, waiting for her to explain.

“Being there brought back the memory, all the pain and the longing. I hated it.” she said, her voice low.

“But, I saw them...I don’t know if it was just a dream or if I they somehow made a way for me to see them. But I liked that I saw their faces again and felt like I was with them” she said, feeling her throat clench as she recalled her twelve hugging her before she woke up “I miss them.”

Dorian reached out to clasp her hand in his, his fingers squeezing hers in comfort “I know.”

“You miss your healer too.” Manon said, wanting to talk about something else.

He nodded “I do, but not as much as you miss your twelve. They were family.”

Manon sighed but didn’t pull her hand away from his, finding comfort from his warmth seeping into her skin “What do you do when you miss her—your healer?”

Dorian blinked at her in surprise, caught off guard by the question. 

“If I do miss Sorscha, I just let myself think of her” he started “I take the time to remember her and pray to whatever gods there is that she is at peace wherever she may be.”

“That sounds oddly devout of you, princeling.”

“What else can I do, really?” He said with a smile, though it did not reach his eyes “I already have a lot of regrets in this life, I do not wish to add more salt to the wound by regretting that I didn’t have time with her.”

Manon kept her eyes on him, studying every emotion that passed through his eyes as he talked. She sees the sadness and longing there but it wasn’t as strong as she expected. As if he had no more lingering anger or hurt and has already accepted what has happened.

“How about you, witchling, what do you do when you miss them?” He asked when she didn’t say anything for a while.

Manon wanted to look away again, to turn around and tell him to go to sleep. But Dorian’s hand moved from her hand and held her chin to look at him.

“I rage” she said eventually, not at all ashamed to admit that. It was what she knew took the edge off. Aside from sex. “If I can’t keep myself busy and if they are all I think about, I rage and tear things around my room or ride Abraxos until the early hours of dawn.”

“Did you do that when you visited Terrasen?”

“No.”

Dorian paused, studying her in the moonlight “Do you wish to do any of those now?”

Manon felt her throat constricting once more, a sob wanting to escape. So she nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took long. I had so many deliverables to meet before Christmas break so that I could have a stress free break lol. Anyways, we made it to Christmas!!! Despite how stressful work from home or studying from home has been to all of us, we have made it this far!
> 
> Merry Christmas! May you all have a day filled with love and joy with your families and loved ones.  
> But for those of you who are alone because of lockdown or whatever reason it may be... I'm sending yall virtual hugs!  
> I hope this fic makes you happy today, because all of your comments from the previous chapters really made my day (I'm looking at you MermaidCoffee whose sweet comment made me cry lol).


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this me posting another Manorian chapter just 4 days after I posted the last one??? WHY YES IT IS!!! ALERT THE MASSES I FOUND THE WILL TO WRITE !!! This one is for all of you who Manorian trash, happy new year indeed!!!
> 
> BTW it is 1am here so i apologize if there are errors, ill edit them first thing in the morning lol good night!!!

Dorian closed his eyes, holding on tight to Manon’s waist as she had Abraxos make a sudden dip downwards. The cold wind was blowing past them and he felt like he could easily be blown away by the force of the night air.

The speed at which she is making her wyvern fly was definitely terrifying enough for Dorian to tighten his clutch on her, and frankly he was getting ready to shift in case he fell off. 

When Manon said that she either raged or rode Abraxos to distract her from her sorrows, she wasn’t kidding. No wonder she did this when she was extremely sad. The thrill (and fear) he felt was all consuming. 

His heart was racing in his chest and all he could hear was the pounding in his ears. But the warmth coming from Manon was grounding him. 

Despite how difficult it was for him to refuse Manon’s advances earlier, Dorian was beyond relieved that they were still able to spend time with one another. He was so scared that he made her feel embarrassed or humiliated even if that wasn’t his intention. Thankfully, Manon didn’t leave him or attack him like she did days ago on that field. 

He replayed their discussion earlier in his head. _Gods_ , that was probably the most Manon has shared to him about any of the things she has felt, especially about her thirteen. 

Dorian considered it a success and a blessing that their talk didn’t end in flames. 

Despite the fear of falling from the sky as Abraxos was still plummeting down, Dorian found himself smiling against Manon’s back.

As if sensing his fear, Manon’s shoulders started to shake from amused laughter then commanded Abraxos to slow down and land on the nearest field. 

“Thank you” he shouted against the wind.

“I don’t want you hurling your guts on my back.” was all she said.

Relief filled him as Abraxos made his wings flap slower and in a more sure and steady rhythm as they neared a field that bordered Rithfold.

And when they finally landed, Dorian removed his trembling arms around Manon’s waist and unceremoniously climbed down of Abraxos, needing to feel the solid ground beneath him. 

“You okay, princeling?” Manon chuckled.

He nodded, his legs shaky “I don’t know why you enjoy that. I feel like my spirit has left my body.”

She shrugged then jumped to the ground, landing beside him gracefully “I told you. I do that when I feel too much. It’s a good way to clear my head.”

“How often do you do this?” he asked, still panting slightly.

“It’s not hard to guess.”

Often, then. He didn’t need to ask how often to know how bad it was.

“So” she started when he didn’t say anything in reply “You made me leave your bed and wear clothes for this. What do you have planned?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love you naked and in my bed” He said, smirking despite him still recovering from their ride “But you said earlier that you didn’t get to rage when you were in Terrasen.”

“And?”

“I’m sure you must still feel overwhelmed since your trip there and you haven’t been able to release it…”

“I rarely get to release it.”

He nodded “Then you may do so now...if you want to, of course.”

She narrowed her eyes at him “Now?”

He nodded again and gave a sheepish smile “If you want to rage and tear things apart you can. If you want to physically fight to get it out of your system then I’ll be here. If you want to scream or cry or just _feel_ , it’s up to you.”

“And what makes you think I’ll follow your command?”

“I’m not commanding you or making you do anything. We can go back to the castle if that’s what you want. Or we can continue riding Abraxos until dawn.”

She raised her brow “Even if it makes you want to hurl?”

“Even then.” he said, and meant it. He would support anything that Manon wanted to do in the moment. As long as it meant that she would release whatever emotions she had kept inside her for so long “We can do whatever you want to do.”

Manon narrowed her eyes at him once more as she considered his words. 

She eventually sighed then sat down on the grass and leaned her back against Abraxos’ body when the wyvern lay down on the grass “If you expect me to start crying all of a sudden, princeling, then you’ll be disappointed to know that it doesn’t work that way.”

“I know” he said and laughed under his breath as he sat down beside her “I just wanted you to know that you don’t always have to keep the pain to yourself. It’s healthy to let it out.”

“Let it out?” she mused to herself. As if the idea were so foreign.

Both of them didn’t say anything for a while. They just sat beside each other, admiring the view of the horizon while listening to the soft rustle of the leaves as the wind blew around them. 

When the wind fanned her long hair in his direction, it made Dorian turn his head turn to look at her. 

The light coming from the moon made her hair look like it was glowing. Like it was a halo around her face. Her usually pale skin looked radiant too under the lighting they were in. He itched to run his hands through her hair and tuck it behind her ear. Or for his fingers to brush against her skin and hold her in his arms. 

But he knew she would snap at him. Or bite his hand off. 

So Dorian kept his hands to himself. 

Manon’s gaze remained fixed on the horizon, at the moon that was shining so brightly in the night sky. Even if she was just beside him and spoke to him just minutes ago, Manon eyes suddenly looked distant—as if her mind was far far away. 

From the look on her face, Dorian instinctively knew what was on her mind.

“I told Elide a few days ago how I look up in the sky sometimes and find myself waiting for them to fly back to me. As if I’ll see them racing atop their wyverns to meet me” She said sadly “I forget that they’ve been gone for a year.”

Abraxos brought his head closer to them, so he could rub his snout against Manon. She pet her wyvern’s head absent-mindedly, not tearing her gaze away from the sky.

“I understand...there are times when I expect to see my father when I enter the throne room, only to remember that he is gone and that I am King” Dorian said softly “It’s difficult to process loss, and more so to accept it.”

“You know what I’ve learned, princeling?” she started, still not looking at him “I thought that nothing would hurt more than the day I watched them yield. But what I felt then isn’t even _close_ to the pain I feel everyday. When I have to go on with my life without them.”

Dorian felt the truth and the pain to her words that had him letting out a breath, as if what she said pained him. He reached out to hold her hand, something he’s always found himself wanting to do. He squeezed her hand in comfort, to help ground Manon. To be a physical anchor so she won’t be too overcome by her sorrows. 

“I’ve felt the pain of loss double when things feel normal...when things slowly fall into place for others while you feel like your chest is gaping wide open.” she continued, looking down at their entwined hands “It’s a different kind of pain when I soar the skies and find myself looking behind me to check if Asterin is behind me just to realize that she isn’t. When I enter a crowded room and scan the faces looking for Vesta or Sorrel or anyone of them only to remember that I won’t ever see them.”

Manon paused to clear her throat. And it was then that Dorian started to see her eyes glistening. She closed her eyes to hide from him, which made two streaks of tears spill down her cheeks.

Dorian brought his thumb up on her face to wipe away her tears, then put his hand on her back to soothe her. 

Manon continued, despite how tight her voice was now “Even when I’ve walked in on different lovers over the past year... I’ve always automatically assumed it was just Thea and Kaya being disgustingly in love. Of course, it wasn’t them. It was never them. And it won’t ever be them.”

This time, Manon opened her eyes to look up at him, her tears flowing freely now. As if she knew there was no point in holding it back anywmore. “They are everywhere I go, I see them in almost everything. In everyone. Even if they aren’t and never will be here.”

Abraxos whined and nustled its head on Manon’s lap, as if distressed that she was upset. The wyvern then licked her hand, trying to bring comfort to her too. 

“It’s not fair!” she gasped out suddenly, her voice angry now as she pulled apart from Dorian so she could look away and wipe away her own tears “I didn’t even want this life, not without them by my side! And yet, that was Asterin’s last words to me. To _live_. To live my life without them. As if I could actually do that!”

“I know it’s difficult” Dorian started, his voice wavering mostly from sadness but also a bit from fear “But you’re living, Manon. You’ve been ruling for a year now, despite them not being here. You _can_ do it, you _are_ doing it.”

She turned around to face him, her eyes wide with anger despite the tears that continued to fall down her face “You said it yourself in your bedroom earlier, Dorian. I’m _miserable_. I didn’t even deny it because I am! I may have survived the war but I’m not _living_. I don’t know how without them! _I don’t know how!_ ”

With that, she pushed herself up from the ground then ran towards the edge of the field they were on.

“Manon!” Dorian called, panic seizing him as he ran after her, in fear of what she was planning to do.

Abraxos also quickly moved to beat her to the edge, wailing at his rider who already made her way to the cliff.

Just as Dorian was about to reach into his power to seize her, Manon fell to her knees and let out a wail. 

= = = = = 

Manon didn’t know how long she had been wailing at the top of her lungs.

All she knew was that she cried.

And screamed.

Then cried some more.

Her throat was already starting to ache by the time her loud cry turned into muffled ones. Then her muffled cries turned to sniffles.

She closed her eyes as she panted out of breath, then blinked away the remainder of the tears that have filled her eyes.

Abraxos whined as he pushed her away from the edge, until she was a safe distance away from the cliff. Her wyvern surrounded her, wrapping her around its body and its wings as he nuzzled his snout against her cheek. 

She didn’t even bat him away when he licked the tears off from her face.

“Abraxos” she heard Dorian call. This made the wyvern pause from its licking to look in the direction of his voice “May I see her?”

Abraxos continued licking her cheek for a while then later on disentangled himself from her body. He moved to the side as Dorian ran up to her then pulled her into an embrace.

“Manon” he whispered against her hair as he held her. Manon waited for a reprimand or his condescending preaches, but he just whispered her name once more and kept his arms around her. 

The feeling of being held that way was odd. So unlike the passionate embraces they often found themselves in. 

But it was surprisingly comforting. She felt safe.

It reminded her of the feeling when her twelve embraced her when she dreamt of them back in Terrasen. 

Manon found herself bringing her arms around Dorian, embracing him back as she rested her cheek on his chest.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you” she said eventually, her voice muffled by how tightly she was pressed against him “I just needed to...let it out”

“It’s okay” he reassured her, his fingers brushing through her hair “It’s okay to let it out.”

When Manon pulled away, Dorian held onto her arms so they were still facing each other. And it was only then that she saw that his eyes were glassy and she could hear his heart beating wildly in his chest.

“Princeling” she said, using the playful nickname she called him, to let him know he didn’t have to worry “I’m fine now. It’s okay.”

“Manon, I am here for you always. I hope you know that” he said, his eyes piercing into hers.

“I do.”

“I know you are in pain and you feel that you cannot do it. But I am here for you, to help you, to listen to you, to be whatever you need. Do you trust that I mean it?”

She frowned at how serious he was being but nodded all the same “I do.”

He sighed in relief “We are here for you. Abraxos is here for you. Glennis is there for you, so are the rest of your Crochans. So are Elide and Yrene, and the rest of the court. You aren’t alone. Let us be there for you.”

Manon bit the inside of her cheek but nodded “Thank you.”

“You aren’t alone” he whispered once more, as if wanting the thought to be ingrained in her “We are here for you. We all care for you.”

“I know, Dorian.”

Satisfied with her answer, Dorian released his hold on her then asked tentatively “Do you wish to go back? Or do you want to continue flying?”

Manon looked at him then at the field surrounding them. For some reason, she did not want to leave just yet “I still want to stay here...with you.”

Dorian looked at her in surprise but quickly recovered by gesturing for her to have a seat on the ground. Just like how they were seated earlier. 

She sat down on the grass, Dorian following suit, then Abraxos moved behind them once more so that they can lean against him. 

“Can I ask you something, princeling?” she asked, wanting to break the pregnant silence. She also wanted to talk about something else before Dorian could spew any more emotional crap. 

Dorian nodded and faced her “Of course.”

“You said before that you lost someone you love and that you didn’t mean your father” Manon started “What happened...to your healer?”

Dorian took a deep breath but didn’t look away from her “Her name was Sorscha. As you know, she was a healer who worked in the castle.”

“How did you meet?”

“Sorscha healed me when I wounded myself. I had just discovered my powers and I didn’t know how to control them” he said, smiling a bit to himself. Manon’s attention went to his lips because of that damned smile. “She was the healer who saw to my wounds. Sorscha’s perceptive so she found about my powers. She promised to keep it secret and to help me learn more about it.”

Manon nodded, interested. She then blinked away when she realized she was staring at him too long. She tried to focus on trying to picture this Sorscha instead.

“Did Yrene know her?” she asked.

Dorian shook his head “I wish she did. I wish Sorscha went to Antica and found the Torre instead. She wouldn’t have died if she stayed there.”

Manon’s brows furrowed in confusion as she tried to understand what he meant “But you wouldn’t have met her if she were in Antica.”

“Atleast she’d live. I wouldn’t have her death on my hands.” 

“But wasn’t it your father who…” Manon trailed off after seeing Dorian’s eyes darken slightly.

“Yes, it was my father who had her beheaded in front of me and my friends” he gritted out “But I didn’t do anything to stop it.”

“You _couldn’t_ do anything” Manon corrected him “I’m sure that the valg living in your father would have made sure that he got what he wanted. If it wasn’t your Sorscha who he killed it probably would have been Chaol.”

Dorian winced at that. 

Manon knew how much he loved his best friend after all. 

“This Sorscha of yours” Manon said slowly, as if trying to gauge his reaction “Describe her to me.”

He looked at her with curiosity, probably wondering why in the world would she want to know about Sorscha. Thankfully, he didn’t ask her. Manon herself didn’t know why exactly. She was just curious. 

“Physically, she looks a bit similar to Yrene. They’re both from Fenharrow so they have the same brown skin, brown and curly hair. Sorscha was beautiful.” he paused, then studied her. As if to see if she was still listening “For her personality, she was shy, a bit reserved. But she was very warm and open—easy to like. Since she was a healer, that means she was smart and perceptive while also having that nurturing quality about her.”

Manon nodded, the corner of her lips tugging in amusement “How did you take it then, when your best friend married a healer who looked so much like her?”

To her surprise, Dorian laughed “I am beyond happy for Chaol. I love him so much that his happiness is mine. A part of me was jealous at first, of course...that his healer was lucky enough to make it out alive of the war, while I barely had time with mine.”

“Do you still feel that way now?”

“No” Dorian said quickly, as if this was a truth he had known for a while now. He kept his eyes on her as he said “Like I said, Chaol’s happiness is mine. I love Chaol and Yrene as family. I won’t resent them or the universe for their love and happiness.”

“How noble of you” Manon murmured, not at all sarcastic “So you aren’t attracted to Yrene then?” 

“Yrene is a beautiful and amazing woman but no, I do not see her as anything more than a dear friend and sister” Dorian said, a blush forming on his cheeks “The love I have for Yrene is familial. I see her as a sister just like how I see Chaol as a brother.

“Interesting” Manon said then quickly added “I didn’t mean to imply anything...I was just curious.”

Dorian laughed again which made the corners of Manon’s lips tug upwards. 

“If you haven’t noticed, I’m attracted to a certain witchling with golden eyes and white hair” he whispered, playfully “She also happens to be a very strong and fierce Queen.” 

Manon rolled her eyes at him. But deep down she also wanted to sigh in relief at the flirtatious banter. 

This was something she knew, something that was familiar to them. 

Before she can reply, however, Dorian cleared his throat then immediately changed the subject “Since you asked me a question, can it be my turn to ask you one?” 

She looked at him warily “It depends on what you wish to know.”

“Why are you so curious all of a sudden?” he dared ask “Just earlier you were talking about your witches then soon after you ask about Sorscha. You’ve never asked about her before.”

“It’s probably the same reason why you haven’t brought up my thirteen until a few days ago. I know you wouldn’t be comfortable talking about it.”

“So what changed? Why ask me now?”

She cocked her head and squinted her eyes, considering the question “Like I said, I’m curious. And I thought that this was what you wanted...for us to talk.”

“It is what I wanted” he said softly, smiling “It is rather pleasant, is it not?”

To her surprise, Manon found herself agreeing “It is actually...I like talking to you.”

“Likewise, witchling.” 

He smiled at her and she wasn’t able to do anything else but smile back. Both of them didn’t look away, their eyes remained on each other.  
“Thank you” she whispered “for today”

“Thank you too” he whispered back, his voice soft and low. Like a gentle caress. “for trusting me to be here for you”

It was then that Manon realized how close they were all of a sudden. They were still seated on the ground but their shoulders and legs were touching. During the course of their talk, their fingers inched closer to each other, close enough that her hands were almost entwined.

Her face was so close to his that she could see his long lashes brushing against his face as he continued to look at her.

As if coming to the same realization, Dorian’s eyes widened for a second, quickly going over her face. But then Manon’s breath hitched when she saw his gaze drop to her lips too.

“Do you still want to rage or scream?” he whispered.

Manon shook her head slightly “No. Not now.”

Dorian nodded and brought his hand to cup her cheek. Manon leaned in to his touch and tilted her face upward. His thumb traced circles on her skin as it inched closer to her lips. 

When his thumb traced the corner of her lips, she felt tingles spread throughout her body. Manon held in her breath as she became taut from anticipation.

Her attention went to back to his lips which were now parted, his breath fanning across her face.

Dorian whispered, his voice a bit shaky “May I kiss you, Manon?”

Manon nodded and closed her eyes as Dorian cupped her cheek then leaned in to press his lips softly against hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve read my previous authors notes and ramblings, I’ve mentioned that this fic is just me projecting my own grief and thoughts onto elide and manon, but yall!! This chapter made me cry so much while writing it. Probably the same amount as the chapter where Manon dreamt of her thirteen when she visited Terrasen. If only I had a Dorian to help me through my shit!!! But damn, I guess us peasants just have to deal with our pain alone then. 
> 
> Thank you so so much for those who have enjoyed this fic and to all who left kudos and comments. I appreciate you all <3 <3 <3 I wish you all a happy new year! I’ll see you with a new chapter on 2021!
> 
> (Update as of Feb 13, 2021: Hello friends! I don't even know if people will read this but I'd just like to give an update because this is the longest I have ever gone without posting. Rest assured, I will be continuing this the soonest my schedule will permit and when I have brain cells again. I'm still currently swamped with work and I'm also reviewing for a board exam so its been taking up a lot of my time and brain juice. Anyway, I miss writing this and interacting with yall so hopefully I can post a chapter soon. Anyways, that's it for now. I just wanted you all to know that I'm not dead and I'm not abandoning this fic yet lol.)


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